


When You're Strange

by TiernyWho



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Headcanon, POV Multiple, Romance, Slow Build, Smut, Swearing, non-canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-21
Updated: 2014-07-27
Packaged: 2017-12-27 06:07:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 42
Words: 110,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/975333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TiernyWho/pseuds/TiernyWho
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My deep turian love seems to have caused this to happen. Spanning all three of the Mass Effect's, not hinged on exact canon but might dabble a bit in it.  Might be more characters involved or maybe not depending.  I really have no idea where this is going (sort of) there is an ending but her getting there will be a rough ride.   You have been warned.  Regular updates on Sunday's.  </p><p>Bioware owns all characters I am just running around doing crazy things.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Spectre

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pre-Eden Prime Shepard shares a moment with Nihlus and muses on their unconventional relationship.

Flipping a few toggles she tapped the display. Reading over the numbers, she lifted and pressed a couple more toggles feeling the Mako lift as the thrusters activated and burned for half a second before settling back down. The readout blinked and gave her more numbers. Pressing the display and toggles the Mako began to cool down. Reaching up she stretched and rolled her neck. This was the one spot that felt all right. It was quiet, no one asked questions about her diplomatic style or yanked her out of rack time at ungodly hours to see how quick she could react to stimuli. It was a safe haven, at least until she was found out and someone ruined her fun. Sometimes even on a military ship you needed to be away from people. This was likely one of those signs that she shouldn't have joined the navy if she hated people this much and in such close quarters, but well she did like her job.

 

Grinding her teeth a bit she took a deep breath and held it counting backwards from five. At one she she let her breath out in a loud huff and felt her shoulders slouch a bit. Sometimes it was nice to pretend not to be military rigor. She sat there for a long moment eyes closed taking slow shallow breaths. Click click. At first she thought she was hallucinating hearing the noise, but then she heard it again.

 

Serious? The one place she had been sneaking away to, the one place that felt comfortable just letting it all go and he found her. Son of a bitch! Her anger surged, but she sat there waiting and listening. Would he speak first or try an attack or try something stealthy. Calmly she waited, poised and coiled ready. “Good, you are learning.” She didn't know what she was learning only that no where was sacred and it seemed that hiding from the turian was not an option.

 

“Nihlus. Only took you a week to figure out where I was hiding out. I'd ask if you were getting slow but that might be over stepping my bounds.” She smirked at the comment loving to rib the turian, if she had a witty repartae she ensured she used it lest find herself wishing she said the witty remark earlier.

 

“Well this is a little more discreet then the engineering room sub-basement and no one asks too many questions if it is moving or odd noises are coming from within.”

 

She smirked and opened her eyes to see the Spectre looming close by the passenger seat.

 

“It is a bit tight quartered, but it will have to make due.” He pressed the Mako's doors and the vehicle hissed closed. Lifting from the seat slightly she turned to look at the turian, if it were not for his eyes and the colour of the lights he wore he'd be lost in the darkness of the Mako. Moving from the pilot and co-pilot gunner spot she slipped between the seat and stood across from Nihlus that smirk still on her lips.

 

The vapid distaste between them had been genuine at least at the beginning with the turian doing all he could to annoy the living day lights out of her. Of course this was the whole reason she liked him. Him being in her way, or always looming over her. Maybe if he hadn't been a Spectre, maybe if he hadn't been turian but her attraction meter had always been a little off. While all the girls mooned over the pretty jock guy with muscles she was sitting in the back of the class mooning over no one. She never found anyone to be particularly attractive. At first she thought it was just her, maybe she just liked looking at girls more.

 

The other likely point was that she was clueless, at least in her younger teen years she was. She tended to be completely and utterly unable to tell someone was actually interested her. It wasn't like she was super pretty with her plain, very straight brown hair, it wasn't like she was super tall or had any real handling of academics. She saw no reason for someone to find her attractive and months after someone stopped pining for her she would overhear something and be attracted to that person but they were long since done being interested in her.

 

No her attractive meter had always been on the bit more of the odd angle. She liked looking at girls but couldn't figure out if one liked her back in that way or not. Of course it didn't take her too long to figure out she was attracted to girls that had no interest in her or in being with girls. Plus there was the fact she loved flirting with guys and hanging out with them. Nothing against her own gender, but some girls were just hard to figure out. Being around guys was easier. She found that her interests were more along theirs, she would far prefer sitting around watching some sports game then shopping or doing odd atypical girl like things that she never seemed to like doing.

 

Plus she was a huge flirt. It wasn't like she was trying to lead people on, just happened to be her way and while most guys got all the wrong signals everything worked out in the end. Once they figured out she was only being flirty for fun and because it was a thing she did they laid off hitting on her and she was fine. Oh sure she had her share of interactions, but they were short and more a way to blow off steam. Sometimes, very rarely her wires were on the right wave length with someone else and their interaction kindled, then burned hot and intense and then faded away. Just the way things tended to be. Besides there was always duties and missions that tended to end things quick.

 

It likely should have been her first clue when the first turian she ever met she nearly drooled all over her tablet and tripped on all her words whenever they were around. She had seen turians before as a youth and teenager, but this one she couldn't find words to describe why she was so enamored. She found herself shy, unable to flirt like she did with all the other guys. Instead she drew introspective watching from a far distance and adoring his mandible, taloned hands, the way of their walk. This was likely her first crush and she never got over him, not fully at least and not for a while. Of course no one ever knew about her crush, she had seen the teasing some of the others girls got and kept quiet. No sense betting ousted of the one place she felt comfortable just for liking someone that happened to be a different species.

 

Maybe she wasn't meant for normal relationships. Who in the army was? She didn't know one relationship that survived the long haul and the strict rules about fraternization seemed to keep things under wraps unless you wanted to be going through certain hoops with the brass. Just too much trouble. But maybe it was that human relationships weren't her thing. No it was the standard relationship dynamic that didn't work for her and not many saw it her way.

 

Nihlus wasn't her first turian. After her initial shyness rubbed off from her first crush she knew she couldn't let another opportunity pass her by. Exploring sexual alternatives outside your species can be different, she did a lot of reading and watching some very explicit turian porn that would make even the brashest krogan blush. Her first time was not perfection like all the video's, she had to do a lot of teaching and by the end she left feeling a bit more frustrated then actually satisfied. Since that time she had some progressively better encounters.

 

The turian Spectre had never been on her radar, but then again her radar was sometimes slow to recognize something. Unlike most of the crew she wasn't phased by the turian stalking around and inspecting everything. This had been a joint turian/human project and it made sense all those involved wanted to make sure that everything was running well, what she couldn't figure is why the turian was like a bad shadow she couldn't get rid of. At first she had not even noticed she was being followed. Clueless. She just figured he kept going to the places she was heading. But then she overheard someone mention it and immediately she clued in something was up and decided to test the theory.

Once she knew she was being followed her shadow was more an annoyance. He was there watching standard drills, looming outside the bathroom, following her to the crew quarters and even there during meal times. She remembered the frustration building and his very presence in even her peripheral vision was driving her insane. After a very exhausting and rough drill of a dead drop in the Mako, the rest of the crew had already gone up to change and she was just finishing with the Mako. Her head was throbbing and something told her she was being watched. In the shadows of the shuttle bay she could see him lurking there.

 

She wasn't in the mood for him and his lurking and had just about enough. Pretending she was heading to the elevator she waited for his predictable motion to follow her. Like clockwork he moved, she could almost feel his movements as he walked across the bay floors. As the door swished before her she caught his movement behind her. One, breathe in – two, breathe out. Then as she moved to step into the elevator, her hands dropped one of the data pads from her hands. The motion caught the turians glance and gave her enough time to whirl and fling the second one at his head and pivot herself to lunge at him.

 

Bringing her one arm up she kicked at his leg as she pushed him back. Her actions caught Nihlus off guard until this moment they had existed nicely, she feigned not noticing him stalking her or she really hadn't noticed. There was nothing about how she behaved recently to say otherwise but the attack shocked him. He lifted his arm up to flinch against the attack of the datapad he hadn't prepared himself for her to other attacks. Her style seemed like any other jar head, but this one meant she could think outside the box. He took the kick to his leg and felt a bit of his stance waiver as he countered her punch.

 

Within seconds they were trading blows. She took advantage of the initial surprise to get in a few lucky blows but afterward it was all parry, dodge and landing blows where the other didn't expect. They jostled back and forth on the bay floor until she just said fuck it and charged in. Bringing up her one arm she bull rushed the turian and skidded him back up into the Mako. Her teeth clenched in anger. But he then reversed the pin and had her face planted against the side of the Mako with her one arm behind her back.

 

Using his superior weight, height and size he crushed her there against the vehicle. “Are you done yet?” His voice hissed in her ear but her blood was still boiling refusing to give up the fight even though he seemed to have the advantage at this point. Grabbing her other hand he forced it above her head.

 

She still growled and lashed against the hold, but he had a firm grip. “Give up.”

 

“You first.” She sneered her mind reeling and trying to come up with a counter, but there wasn't one. At least not one she saw until she decided to pivot her hips and rock them against the turian. He pushed harder against her but she just groaned gently.

 

“Oh yea, harder.”

 

She could tell he didn't like that. He tried to stop her hips from moving in that provocative way as he pressed his legs harder against hers. “Give it up human.”

 

“Harder.” She growled through her clenched teeth, there was a lot of pressure on her chest, but she decided at that point to moan low and guttural.

 

“Oh yeah Nihlus harder.”

 

He didn't get it and was perplexed why her words were turning deeper, more sexual. He knew enough about humans to know the sounds she made were not usual for fighting. His one hand loosened a bit from his grip when she moaned again and she took the opportunity to slip her hand above her head from his grasp. Swinging her elbow in she caught his side and used her head to smash it back into his face.

 

Now it was his turn to be her captive as she pinned him to the floor of the cargo bay. She couldn't get the whole of him under her, but with her legs over his chest she stopped the upper body from leaving the floor for now. “Give up?” She asked but knew the answer.

 

For several minutes they continued like this, one getting the upper hand and then the other finding an out. Then somewhere she couldn't be sure it was less about fighting and getting her aggravation out and had slipped to something else. It was likely her fault that it descended quickly into something else when she decided to clamp down on a particular sensitive part of the turian neck, usually it would have caused a human to wince in pain instead she got a completely different response. There was something that should have told her clamping down on a neck was a bad idea, it wasn't like she never been with turian and didn't know the sensitive spots. But she was looking for leverage not an open door to sex, it wasn't her intention. Then again how many times had she said that before?

 

She heard the guttural moan and felt his pelvis almost instinctual lift up and push against hers. Her head was brushed aside and mouth plates nipped at her neck. She shouldn't have liked it, but she did, she always did. It was why she liked being with turians, their ideas of erogenous zones seemed to work for what turned her on. No human guy would give her the right type of neck love that she so enjoyed. Hands were pinned above her head by one hand and she felt the first clasp of her armor come undone.

 

Sighing between heated breaths, she slipped her one hand free from his grasp and began to unlock the clasps on his armour. Turning her head she licked the spot she had bit and felt his response more then heard the soft sub-harmonics bristling with need. Armour skidded across the floor, dropping fast as hand and talon pushed them out of the way. Nihlus got her chest plate off first and slid his taloned hand up her side and brushed against her breast before grabbing it roughly. The next few minutes they spent parrying and countering as armour dropped to the floor.

 

She thought of it now, how they got here. One wrong bite and they had been circling each other ever since, trying to find a discreet and out of the way place to hook up from what had been accidentally started. She thought for sure they had found a good spot in between the engine room and the cargo hold. It was tough to get into but provided privacy and the engine running made noises harder to discern, of course that was when only she was going down on the turian and not the other way around. She couldn't help it if his roving tongue tended to make her want to scream out. Military life and hooking up in such a life meant learning to muffle moans and cried of passion – it was the only way anyone got around the regs. Well she wasn't really breaking regs with Nihlus. The Alliance head yet to right a book on regs in dealing with outsider military forces, so why should they hide. She knew why.

 

For turians there was a lot that hinged on their honour as soldiers and their decorum in public. Even sometimes behind closed doors a turian could not stop holding that mask they were always forced to wear. She understood too well, but that didn't mean she did not want to express herself when it came to orgasms. The last time they had nearly been caught, now they needed a new spot and she was tasked with finding it since she nearly blew their cover, they were supposed to be pretending to hate each other after all.

 

Nihlus stepped forward, his motions quick until he backed her up to the wall of the Mako. His hot breath on her face as he lurched low to nip at her neck and she was quick to give his access. Her hands went up to the armour clasps and began to undo each. It made sense for her to be in casual army gear, but Nihlus pretty much couldn't dare be seen without his armour on. The minute he dressed casual there would be shame associated with it. There were a lot of strange turian customs she had learned over the years, but she found each one had their own strange customs and opinions regarding sex. Some were timid, some were commanding, some were loving, some were rough. Nihlus liked his control. He liked having it and displaying it and she didn't mind his need for control. But he also liked losing control and being dominated. It was a strange combination.

 

The chest piece slid to the ground with a clunk but by now his hands hand brushed down her one side and had undid the clasps of her pants and was pushing his taloned fingers deeper into her pants while the other brushed gently up and down her side. His face plate roved up and down her neck sending chills down her back as he nibbled along a familiar but erotic path. Her hands forgot their true purposed for a bit and she let them hang on the clasps basking in the motions of his hands. That was until he growled a bit in her ear and she noticed she hadn't relieved him of his lower armour. This she took her time in relieving it, if only to frustrate him a little longer.

 

A wide taloned finger slipped down further into her panties rubbing down to her clit and back up. The fabric of her pants didn't exactly give his larger hand a chance to maneuver much lower. When the last leg piece of armour was removed, her hands were left to their own devices. Their first encounter had been fast and needful, getting it on in the cargo bay came with its own set of risks of being discovered. She had certainly helped him get his release, but she was left with the unfortunate task of being left to ache until they could find something a bit better.

 

Running her fingers up to his mandibles, she began to trace their length. The response was almost immediate. He thrust toward her in his under suit as her fingers laced through the mandibles and brushed along the sensitive part of his head. The deep groans she could feel through the face plate as he nibbled down over her chest. Arching her back a little she gave him a bit more leverage as he roamed lowering biting a bit through the fabric. With a deft hand he lifted the shirt off of her exposing her soft skin to the cooler air of the Mako. Gooseflesh popped up all along her body before a warm breath swooped down to nibble through the fabric of her bra. Grabbing at the back of his head a little roughly, her hips raised and pushed against his feeling the bulge between the combined fabric they wore.

 

Pivoting her hips she altered her position so that now her back side was against his front. For a moment Nihlus was confused as the change of position until her felt her ass brush against his waist.

 

“Like this.” Was all she said and he understood. Pressing her hard against the Mako's wall his one hand dipped to drag her pants from her hips. Setting his mouth against the nape of her neck where it met the shoulder he heard a soft but low moan. The harmonics he could feel and it bristled his own arousal. Nipping lower her then dragged his tongue against the area and felt her shift, pushing against him as she moaned again. He had never known humans female to enjoy this, but he knew from the start this one was different, on a different path and under his tutelage for the next couple months if not years. Yes he could get used to this.

 

He could feel her slickness between his taloned hands, his nails were sharp so he minded himself to not digging them too deep into her flesh. Bruises and scrapes she could likely get away with as everyone saw that they sparred openly in the cargo hold, but long scratches in tender places, the bite marks that likely couldn't be covered by simple sparring he knew to keep to hidden places. While he would enjoy marking her as much as he could, it did not injure his pride he could not do so. It was more then his pride and honour on the line if they were found out. Plus he hated to be removed from being her mentor when things were just starting to get interesting.

 

Rubbing his finger along her clit and into her slit he could feel her moans and felt her hips rise and fall to his ministrations. Pressing hard into her back he clamped down on her shoulder blade and listened as she cried out a bit in pain and ecstasy. He knew to watch his bites. The wrong type of bite at the wrong time and she would switch off. He learned that quick when he bit in at her calf once and suddenly all the arousal she had turned to placid indifference. Her history should have told him to watch the pain delivery. After what she had seen on Mindoir, what she experienced first hand he knew that her mind could blank out the pain, that she could go to a place and push beyond it but there was nothing there in that void of not feeling.

 

Thrusting against her hips he helped relieve her of the silk panties she so liked to wear. He never understood her fascination with them and the light bit of lace some had, but he supposed she couldn't be all tough and hard as stone. The rest of his under clothes vanished quickly with her squirming against his hand as he continued to lick up and down her back while the other hand held her upper half very firmly against the wall of the Mako. Her back was arching under ever touch, responding to the nips he left closer to her neck. She was certainly a strange one and it had been easy to tell she had been with other turians before him. Her hands knew all the right places to touch, the tender zones and every odd spot she must have stumbled upon in the past. It also helped that she had long gotten passed reacting adversely to turians.

 

Positioning his length between her thighs she could feel her pelvis rock against it. The needy little moans hitching in her chest and through her breath. She was so close, he could feel it now. Her pelvis was rubbing hard against his finger at the front and his length between her thighs. Grabbing her hair in his other hand he growled deep into her ear letting the sub-harmonics reverberate from his chest to her. 'Not yet', he chided voicelessly and removed his hand from her mound. He could hear the whimper and then slipped his length along her slicked entrance. She moaned and began to grind her pelvis again as his other hand lifted and trailed it way up her tight abdomen and to her pert breasts. She wasn't asari made, but she had enough where it counted.

 

It wasn't long before she was at the edge again her body rocking hard against his length, dipping to stimulate her clit. She was panting and the taste of her sweat was sweet against his tongue. In one thrust he embedded himself into her, his hand moving from molesting her breast back to her engorged clit. Hefting her up, he pounded into her slowly at first listening to her ragged and pitched moans. Of course he didn't realize at this angle the stimulation for him was far greater. Her ass planted against his pelvis rocking back and forth. It was mind blowing and the slaps of their flesh beat out a rhythm in his ears.

 

She was quaking under him. So needful, pinned hard against the Mako wall and then he pulled out from her. Now it was her turn to growl, but he only smirked. It was her punishment for losing the discreet place near the engineering room. Her task would be to clean and sanitize the next location if she wanted to have him again.

 

Turning her gaze back to him, he could see the smoldering need there mixed with indignation and anger. Batting away his arms she whirled, the whole of her body displayed for his view. Her slick thighs rubbing gently as she moved. Growling she came at him, took him off guard and he found himself pinned against the opposite Mako wall to where she had once been pinned.

 

“Want to play games do we?” She sneered, but her hand was already at his length, brushing her fingers along it like it was her personal toy. Bending low, he wasn't sure her plan but when her lips secured around him he suddenly realized this may have been a bad idea. He suddenly understood the words blow job and why the men of her species seemed so into it, it was glorious. The slickness of her mouth taking him as whole as she could, teeth gently rubbing against his length, her tongue swirling around his tip. He was going to lose his mind if not more if he didn't put a stop to it and fast.

 

Pushing at her shoulders he disengaged himself from her mouth his cock twinging in desire and need. Grabbing at her roughly he forced her up and pushed her back to the Mako wall. Hefting her pelvis up he impaled himself into her and heard her moan. Her legs wrapped gingerly around his waist using the hold to leverage herself up and down his shaft. Her lips were all over him again fingers running up through the mandibles and over the tender parts of his head.

 

He kept thrusting, rubbing his pelvis hard against hers until he heard could hear her breathing driving fast and short. Then he felt her clench and scream out. He kept thrusting riding her as the orgasm took her places, just as he thought she was ebbing her muscles tightened again and he lost himself. Damn her and her sneaky human ways. Nibbling gently at the flesh of her neck he continued to thrust slowly even after he was spent just to hear her scream again and lose herself a second time. Smirking with pride he gingerly let her down and watched as she collected herself on wobbly legs. When she bent to grab her panties he gave her ass a swift slap which illicit-ed a yelp and groan.

 

His clothes were easy to find and he snapped his armour back into place as she began to dress and gather the cleaning supplies. He waited the right amount of time, at least to get the scent of their lovemaking out of the air then left the Mako barking some order about cleaning up the mess she had made. Back to hating each other again.


	2. Fallen, but Not Forgotten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takes place before arriving to the Citadel after the Eden Prime mission ME1. Shepard faces the coffin of her lover Nihlus Kryik and what his death means.

Her fingers slid along the cold, metallic surface of the coffin. There was a void of feeling where there should have been something, a normal person would have felt something, she wasn't sure how she felt. Angry, sad, confused, betrayed, cheated? All of the chances to process Nihlus' death had been stolen. When she saw him laying on the ground shot in the back on Eden Prime, she did not have time to react. It was all about catching Saren – getting to the beacon before it was too late. So much for that being a success. Her chance to be alone with his body was stolen by the beacon and the images it had slammed into her mind taking 15 hours from her.

 

Right now she felt nothing, a part of her mind urged her to mourn, to cry while another part hinged on anger her fingers itching for something to throw or her throat choking on a scream. She knew she should feel something, anything. Her lover – yes she supposed he was that. They never really talked about what their secret meetings meant and she was a bit glad there was no definite label slapped on it. Labels meant definition – locking it in and there were already enough labels she carried with her during her service. Butcher of Torfan. Colonist. Bitch. Ruthless. It was nice not having a label attached to their run ins, it was nice to have it accepted as is. Internally she felt they would have collided eventually if the 'accident' hadn't happened.

 

She knew from experience that turian ships were far less regimented than the Alliance ones. There were no regs stamped in place saying hook ups couldn't happen. Not that Alliance regs could stop a hook up – but the reports and hoops you had to jump through if it was found out could be monstrous. After all that there was the segregation and sometimes even re-assignment.

 

Being with Nihlus meant skirting the regs. It meant keeping things secret and there was a bit of a thrill in wondering if today would be the day they got caught. To her it had only been hours ago she found herself giddy (not at the prospect of being considered for Spectre status), no she was giddy Nihlus would be around longer. With Nihlus as her mentor it would mean more time together, time that could be stretched for missions or training if they wanted. She felt certain Nihlus would drag out the mentoring, likely just to piss off the Alliance and she thought partly to enjoy his new stress release partner. And she had to admit getting off the ship would probably be one of his main tactics to get them away from prying ears and eyes.

 

Now it was all gone. The pretending to hate Nihlus, the secret rendezvous, the anticipation of there being a next time – everything gone. She had dealt with death before the military – her parents, friends, boys she flirted with and those that got beyond first base. So many she watched die, slain by Batarian slavers. By the time the Alliance got to her whatever she vaguely remembered witnessing had changed her. The nightmares would never vanish, but she learned quickly how to muffle her cries and screams. After Mindoir death was not as traumatic, she lost nearly a whole team under her command just to get out alive. Military life meant accepting death as a possibility. Sometimes she had heard in a report or overheard random gossip of a one night stand or lover that had lasted longer that had died. Of course none had died before they were done with each other. And maybe it was that shock that kept her from being able to process his death.

 

The services had already been held for Jenkins and Nihlus, the victims of the failed Eden Prime mission. She wondered oddly what they had said about Nihlus as no one said much about the brutality of his death. Already she had bumped into Doctor Chakwas, Alenko and even Williams who all lamented the death of Jenkins. Jenkins so keen to see action and get into the fight. He was such a bright, young marine barely touched by the rigors of the job. Everyone felt his loss – not her. Instead she felt enraged no one mentioned Nihlus, the turian had been as much as an unknown as Jenkins. But she supposed Jenkins was mourned more because he was social-able and human. He wasn't a moody turian skulking about. Jenkins made friends easy and had a rapport with the crew. Nihlus on the other hand had been introverted and sat alone, ate alone. Nihlus rarely spoke and just watched everyone but mostly her.

 

Her eyes lifted the Mako, less then 24 hours ago Nihlus was still alive, still her secret lover, still knew ways to make her toes curl and fuck her, still the one she felt she had the most in common with. Gone and nothing to remember him by, no sweet memento to remind her they existed. Her eyes jumped back to the small crate that now held all of Nihlus' personal effects. Once they got to the Citadel the Council would take the body and crate under custody. Opening the crate slowly she saw the small case of medals on top, the clothes neatly folded, armour was stored in a different compartment. She shifted through the items trying to find something, anything that she might be able to take without anyone noticing.

 

Her fingers caught on something as she pushed and prodded through his clothes and personal effects. Pulling on the shirt she up ended others and cursed herself for being such a klutz in his belongings. Bringing the shirt out into the light she she searched for the hem that caught her hand. Rolling the cuff of his shirt sleeve she caught one of her honorary service pins tucked in. It was one of her pins she would have never noticed missing and it was so innocuous that no one would even question it. Heck the only way she knew it was hers was the rough etching of her initials on the back. This has been one of her first pins, something she once took pride in and wanted it to be hers and hers alone. The pain she felt that he had taken a token from her, it sent her mind spinning. How long did he have this? When had he taken it? What did it mean for him to take it?

 

Groaning she smoothed her hand over the shirt and folded it nicely back into place. Rearranging the items she disheveled she came across a small tin. Opening the tin she found small pins like hers. Pushing her finger over them there was an older pin, rusted a bit at the edges and nicked. Picking up the pin she quickly palmed it before putting the tin back. As she finished rearranging the clothes, she could feel someone behind her watching her now. Her money was on the male biotic that had been giving her longing looks for quite some time. She had a feeling he was attracted to her – then again sometimes she was wrong.

 

Standing up she turned and found Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko respectfully waiting. She swore she could feel the desire radiating off of him and it was a little hard not to feel a bit overwhelmed by it, but maybe she was just sensing things due to her own emotional issues.

 

“Alenko.” Smoothing her hands over her shirt and pants she passed the pin into her pants pocket, he had missed her furiously riffling through Nihlus' effects or he would certainly be giving her a different look. “What can I help you with?”

 

His dark eyes raked over her quick and the simple, rough sigh from his lips before he spoke sent a shiver cascading from her stomach through her. Pulling herself out of the depths of plunging too deep into a sexual delusion, she crossed her arms underneath her chest.

 

“Just wanted to see if you needed anything Commander?”

 

They were all waiting for her to give the final command to make their way to the Citadel. It was effectively leaving them buoyed in space until she made the call and she hadn't been ready yet.

 

“No, thank you. Just – needed to make sure everything was in order before we head in.” It was an easy lie to make and she had always been good at it. Sighing, she untangled her arms, her fingers brushing against the coffin.

 

“Last we need adding to this failure is something being stolen or mistreated.”

 

Shifting from the coffins she looked back to the Mako for a second before heading toward the Lieutenant.

 

“The crew, the Council, heck even the turians have to know you didn't cause this. No one could have figured in the geth or Saren.”

 

She harrumphed a little. “Some how I have high doubts about that.” Gesturing a little to the elevator Kaidan fell into step next to her as she continued to walk across the bay floor.

 

“Well no one here blames you.”

 

Her mind shifted wondering if his voice had always been that gravely – surely she would have noticed. No her mind always blotted those things out. When she arrived on the Normandy it had been about orders and scheduling routine drills. Then in had come Nihlus into her life even though he had been there since day one. Just another oblivious moment and it likely would have continued had she never overheard someone's comment. So why was she noticing things about the Staff Lieutenant now? Was it the loss of Nihlus or just her own self made delusions to get through the grief somehow.

 

The elevator was slow to arrive and she could feel him standing particularly close, she could feel him running hot and the buffet of that heat touching her right arm and part of her back. She hated the silence that hung, the wordless things going through her mind.

 

“So how was the service for Jenkins?” She really wanted to know what was said about Nihlus but she still had to carry that bit of her false dislike for him.

 

:”It was nice.” The elevator opened and he let her enter first before following. Once the doors swooshed closed he continued. “Sad though. Jenkins was a good soldier, a friend.”

 

She nodded agreeing to the statement, in her peripheral vision she could see the movement of his jawline, muscles moving, the five o’clock shadow giving him that rugged look. Damn it! What was wrong with her? Was it her need to bury the fact she felt nothing by feeling something for someone else or was it more her temptation to skirt around the rules as much as possible? She wasn't sure.

 

“Wish I could have been there.” It was only the standard reply that she could think of that wasn't some heartless quip about how soldiers died. She didn't want to mention that just before his death that she had encouraged him to get into the fire fight after all that was what the Doctor was there for. It was all fun and game until someone dies. Sighing lightly, she could feel his closeness in the elevator, so much for dashing those lusty thoughts.

 

The elevator opened up on the CIC, giving her a chance to move away from the extreme heat of the Staff Lieutenant and what it had been doing to her on the ride up. Plus the elevator conversation had been too quiet and his heated stares were beginning to make her a bit nervous. Stalking out of the elevator, she loped around some analysts standing close to the elevator going over heat emissions check while waiting. Time to face the music.

 

* * *

 

There was a pain building at the bridge of her nose that was arcing back and throbbing with the front of her head. The Council had pretty much scolded them and laughed in their faces over the debacle on Eden Prime. They blamed humanity for being dumb enough to try to colonize in the Traverse and not having enough back up. The meeting went even worse when Saren was called forth on the accusation of killing Nihlus and being in league with the geth. Their witnesses statement was shot down and when Anderson started talking about her visions she knew it was a lost cause. Until she had more proof it was all circumstantial evidence.

 

Now she was on the hunt for the young turian C-Sec officer she had bumped into before her disastrous meeting with the Council. So far each of the leads had her running all over the Citadel. First to some information broker volus, then to a club more her style. Unfortunately meeting with Harkin had just made her head throb more and she was half tempted to smash his face in or just start drinking herself into a stupor. It also didn't help that every other person she ran into seemed to ask her for help or lamented enough to cause her to step in while all others just blissfully walked on. By the time she hit the upper markets the throb was now battle drums beating at the front of head.

 

Slowing the walk down she paused at a spot where they could see the whole Citadel before them. So many people. There was no way C-Sec could keep track of them all. She could only imagine the fights or other crap a C-Sec officer might have to go through. The conversation wound its way back to the Council meeting and the way humanity as a whole was treated. What wasn't there to like? She voiced her thought out loud only to get an odd response from the Lieutenant – did he just comment about what wasn't there to love about her? For a moment she thought she heard him wrong until Ashley voiced that she would walk drag. Smirking a little she stepped back a bit, for once her radar might be right. But first things first, she needed to find that turian and see what information he had.


	3. What Shapes You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard finds the pressure of being the first human Spectre and thrust in command a bit daunting, her mind circles around her past and how she got to her present circumstance.

No one had ever told her how lonely and utterly isolationist command would feel. Granted she should be used to the feeling by now, but it seemed enhanced some how. It wasn't like she had never been in command before, but there was always someone she reported to. Being a soldier in line meant having comrades to speak to, to confide in. Now though there were very few she could openly talk to without over stepping some type of boundary. The spotlight was firmly on her shoulders and the decisions she would make may very well shape the future of humankind. It was a heavy burden and not one she cared to carry. She hated the spotlight, no not hate just she was not used to being the center of attention or really on anyone's radar. The spotlight was not something she was comfortable with, it was not a place she dwelt in and preferred more to be in the back of the class then at the front with the reigns.

Her slight comfort of being just a soldier was snatched away, she couldn't just blame a decision on a snap judgment and know someone above her would be ready to back the play or take the hit and bring the reprisal down. She was on her own, truly and all that she would do would not only shine a light on the Spectre's but humanity as a whole. Sighing, she could feel the tension in her shoulders wondering how this had all happened, she wasn't a model soldier she wasn't a model of anything really. Had this been why Anderson had been pushing her to take an interest in the crew? He knew about her being tapped for Spectre training, but had he seen this development as an option? She knew one day she might get command, maybe her own ship but that seemed a future goal she saw but didn't bank on. Her track record was not a shining beacon of all a soldier should be. But this, this felt like stealing or cheating. It wasn't right, this should be Anderson's and yet the Alliance was quick to sweep him aside to give her a ship and crew. Heck even one of the Admiral's - Rear Admiral Mikhailovich had accused the Council of stealing the ship and crew. He was incensed about the banking of credits on a fool errand ship when there could be another frigate in the fleet. Now the Normandy was far from the fleet and out of the Alliance clutches.

 

Beyond her rooms doors she could hear someone laugh loudly and the more rambunctious chatter of the dinner time crew. Her mind swirled wondering why she felt such a lonely pang, she should be used to being on her own by now. Everyone she knew intimately was gone. She had suffered through awkward holidays in the years between Mindoir and enlisting. The soldiers that rescued her had taken pity on her and often invited her to Christmas dinners or New Years jubilee's, but the holidays always felt strange no matter how much they tried to make her feel like part of the family. Some even would send her gifts on her birthday or send her a message. Still she felt she was the outsider intruding on someone elses happy moment. Part was due to all that she lost and part of that stemmed from her own remembrances of family get together's and how awkward she had felt during them. She did not belong and that had been a feeling she had long carried even when she had a family.

 

She was as many people would call her – strange or weird. There was nothing atypical 'girl' about her. The small colony life was not for her, nor was farming or working on the land. Life in the colony – she hated it. She saw herself being able to do so much more and stifled by the lack of options. But what options did she hope for beyond the colony? She never knew exactly what she wanted to do once she was old enough to make the choice. Space, history, law – these were things that attracted to her but there were some things she could care less about. Space meant learning science and she could barely keep her mind together on knowing why the periodic table was important. History was sitting through all the boring human stuff and not on other cultures or a deeper past. Law- she had no thoughts on being a lawyer or a public defender and like it or not there were not a lot of options beyond being a cop in one fashion or another. But she did know she had no desire to live in the colony beyond 18. 

 

Only problem for her was that there were very few opportunities that she could reasonably grasp. Her grades were fairly average mirroring her dislike for some subject versus others. The farm did not draw in enough money yet and her family certainly would not have the funds to send her off to school. There was the deferred education program but it meant service and being tied to the Alliance and wherever they stuck her. She mused taking out a loan to fund her college but still had no mind made up on a subject. Everyone else around her had a clue on where they wanted to go and a good 80% of her classmates would be taking on jobs in the colony to continue the growth. Where she excelled in in school there were very few real world applications and not a lot of money in them. It certainly did not help that her family was pushing her to make the right choice and stay on the farm and in the colony.

 

Sometimes she felt she was born into the wrong family. She certainly had her doubts of being a real child of her parents from a young age. Sure she could see parts of her mother and father on her face, but they were less drastic then her siblings. Her older brother had their father's height and eyes, her older sister the patented curly hair, blue eyes and nose of their mother, even her younger siblings had sure markers of their parentage. Some said she looked more like her mother, but she did not see it. She did not see any similarities and the fact that she was less like her siblings grew with age. Maybe it did not help that the Shepard household was not all sunshine and rainbows as many believed. 

 

No one knew the type of abuses she suffered under foot, the constant verbal abuse and put downs and the veiled passive aggressive jabs at her failures. Her parents had no issue in parading around her failure to be like other children her age and other girls on the colony. Her inability to be like her older brother the star athlete, charming and on the fast track to a bright career was announced loudly when she brought home substandard grades. She knew she could never live up to his status and it disappointed her parents when she dropped out of aerial gymnastics and stopped playing in sports. It wasn't that she did not enjoy the sports, more it was the pressure she felt from her parents to succeed, to be perfect and win medals all the time that sent her fleeing from them. She just wanted to have fun, but there was no fun in sports – it was meant to build character, instead the fear itself drove her to near self harm just to get out of them. Once she could she left them behind she felt free to a point. 

 

But she was never free from anything. She would never escape her older sisters shadow with her pretty signature Shepard curls who was popular and participated in events. Her sister the perfection of her parents who loved to wear skirts, cook and had top grades in all her classes. Sometimes she wondered if they were really living in the 22nd century and not an era more suited to the 21st century. But her parents were old fashioned and they still dragged their brood of five children to the religious center every Sunday. All for her to feel more guilt and shame as someone droned about God and all the sins she had already racked up by just existing. Unlike all the others she felt no sense of ease or comfort during the sermon. All she felt was guilt and pressing judgment for not being more religious. 

 

She tended to be unlike her whole family and her dreams were among the stars. Quietly she hoped to be an acclaimed writer, she had always enjoyed writing and some of her stories had even garnered some buzz in the community. If she did not have a chance to be studying Space, Law or History her career as a journalist may well take off. There were some teachers that saw a good journalist career ahead of her if she could break out of her shyness, they saw good things for her. She wondered oddly what they would think now, would they think her real talent wasted? Stuck now in the military with the eventual rise if she didn't piss off everyone and their mother first. The quiet, unassuming colony girl once a string bean of a thing that come grade school she sprouted up and out. Her growth into a young woman made her more uncomfortable then she already was and the stares from the student body and colonists made her uneasy.

 

There was no freedom for her in the colony, not at school, not at home and certainly not in the religion center. Even now years later there were so many struggles she still had to overcome. She never saw herself as beautiful or alluring, how someone could see that she had her doubts. The criticism of her mother and the stares haunted her. Her awkward and rather strange point of view made everyone misunderstand her- something that continued even now. Freedom would not come for her until the slavers came and changed her life – for the better she was never certain. The relief at having no family, nothing to go back to felt liberating and at the same time she felt guilty for dreaming of an escape, dreaming of their deaths only to have it happen.

 

Surely she should not have risen through the ranks as she did. Some how she saw pity and maybe some veiled thoughts that she might go somewhere with her career. Again people that saw something great in her, even if she gave them nothing particularly good to see. But really she saw no fathomable reason to go above her station. Yes she had grown comfortable and complacent in it, but the feeling of her tense shoulders seemed to prefer the existence of not having to worry. Besides she had too much attitude and was so widely misunderstood she would likely be Commander for life at the rate she was going. There had been a time when she had tried to explain Torfan to some people those she thought would understand her reasoning’s. It didn't matter how she told it, most generally believed she was cold-hearted and twisted.

 

That wasn't how she saw herself, maybe just a bitch but not down right heartless. She had cared what her choice had meant but no one seemed to want to care her reasons, but it didn't matter now. The past may still haunt her, may make her doubt and generally be a bit awkward in conversations except when she was yelling or posturing. Her past shaped her and the struggles, decisions, worries, regrets they made her who she was today. Yes she regretted and she understood the pain behind that regret, but it helped her – made her feel a bit human even when she felt so oddly inhuman.

 

Pushing her thumb along the edge of the small pin she wondered what had possessed her to take it. What was the sentimental factor? It wasn't like they were serious and yet rubbing her fingers along it gave her comfort in some small way. She still missed him, dreadfully now more then ever. She wished he was around to help guide her and get her through this. He would have found a way to drag her out of her mopey internal thoughts, he would have pushed her to keep going to not let the weight and expectation drag her down. Maybe she would be out there, still a soldier and among crew members listening to the stories of the day. She certainly wouldn't be hiding out in her room that had once been Anderson's – the smell of him still lingering in the air. This was a subdued, intimate place and she felt as though she were trespassing on something taboo. 

 

She could almost hear Anderson telling her to get up and go out into the mess. She might not be the best conversationalist but she should show the crew she had a divested interest in them and their backgrounds. For once she might have to learn to make a conversation. Sighing she dropped the pin in her pants pocket, when she brushed her hands over her pant she could just feel it there a bit of comfort helping her in her role. Tonight maybe she would sit and talk with Garrus or Ashley. She knew she spent a bit too much time around Kaidan and it was starting to become a bit of an obsessive habit. It certainly did not help she had such ease with him, facilitated by her flirting and his ability to open up subject matters which led to questions. She noticed Garrus tended to keep to himself a lot and she wondered if he regretted his choice to suddenly leave C-Sec and follow her on some mad hunt for Saren.

 

Ashley, she knew fell in with most of the crew and tended to vanish or be scarce the second she got too close to Kaidan. She wondered how long that had been going on for as it was only recently she realized on Kaidan's affection and the correlation of crew members quickly vanishing from sight. There would need to be something done about that. She really should not have let them do that and more importantly continue to do so once she noticed. Regs were after all regs. But even she knew that if someone was being discreet enough no one was going to say a thing. It seemed so weird there were these strict regs and yet people would turn a blind eye. Almost made the regs seem a bit useless.

 

Sliding out of her room she rounded the corner to head for the kitchen and some food. The mess drew a little quieter as she passed by and it made her conscious of her own presence. She could not get used to the fact that she might be the reason behind hushed voices and altered personalities. But she certainly couldn't beg people to treat her as a regular soldier there were still ranks and order to follow and some were more by the book then she was. Hopefully in time her command style might foster a looser rapport and get people to be more themselves and less the soldier they pretended to be. Those that she caught the eye of she nodded to, but was trying to make a conscious effort not to look for Kaidan. But willing her brain to do one thing while her eyes looked for him was a task hard to fight. Taking a deep breath she tried to calm herself and not be sucked into the same pattern. _This is what get's you in trouble Shepard, you find someone, whether they are like minded or not and you latch on._ It wasn't healthy, but she supposed not many of her relationships were very healthy. Fingers brushed against the slight bump in her pocket and she remembered Nihlus and the way they came together. 

 

Queuing up in line she waited for her turn. She had learned enough from Anderson to know that this might be the most genuine non-verbal way to say she was still a part of the crew. He had mentioned to her that if others saw you getting in line and waiting like the rest it instilled a bit of common place. There were so many quirks Anderson had that she had adopted as her own. She knew it was silly to wish to be back as a soldier, she couldn't turn the tide now and even if she disgraced herself people would still see her as the Commander.

 

Grabbing the tray she stepped in line to get her usual nighty rations. Commanders didn't eat better then the crew, well except for off hours and downtime, but certainly not in front of them. Wheeling around she made the short walk back to the mess to find a seat. Most of the larger crowd had already dispersed likely shoveling down the food to get in a few extra minutes trolling on the Extranet or snagging a bit more rack time before the lunch shift was over. Immediately her eyes caught on Kaidan's hair and she took one step forward before remembering her earlier scolding to herself. Unfortunately, he turned his gaze to her at just the right time that their gazes met.

 

“Hey Commander, we've got a free seat over here if you'd like.” True to his word there was a seat and she could feel her own neck and face get a bit warm. _Pull away, pull away._ Shifting her eyes around she saw Garrus on his own at the other table and shook her head.

 

“Thanks Lieutenant, I think I have found a spot.” Quickly she tore her eyes away before she saw him get dejected or question her further. Shifting her feet she made a straight bee line for Garrus feeling the looks of the crew on her. Fuck she hoped this wouldn't get her into a spot where Kaidan started pouting, surely he understood her need to be social with the rest of the crew. Right? Growling she decided if he got all mopey about it she would tell him where to go and how to get there. She did not have time for that type of needy reassurance relationship.

 

Plopping down in the seat across from Garrus she sighed and the young turian looked up seeming startled. 

 

“Commander.” 

 

She smiled to him, she lifted a fork and poked at the food a bit that was nestled on the tray. “Garrus, hope you don't mind?”

 

“No, no not at all. A bit unexpected, but – well.” She sighed glad she wasn't the only one who felt entirely outside the spectrum when it came to speaking.

 

“Good.” Fuck now what was she supposed talk about? Should she ask why it was unexpected? Had the secret not so secret rumour about her and Kaidan gotten around to even the non crew members. Damn it, why couldn't she think of something witty or try small talk even if she loathed it.

 

“So – uh Commander-” She looked up to Garrus and met his eye realizing that maybe she didn't have to make small talk at all. A small smile spread on her lips and she found it matched with flaring mandibles and a gape in his mouth. Maybe it wasn't so bad that there would be no conversation between them right now and was glad Garrus understood or seemed to. Smirking she dug into her meal and enjoyed the silence.

 


	4. The Merchant Prince

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the events of Noveria, Shepard decides to indulge a little and spends a night with Lorik Qui'in.

The bundle of nerves ached, a dull throb of need and she moaned as the long finger dipped low causing her pelvis to lift up in wanting. How could she have gotten so bad that it has come to this? No, she knew why and it had been entirely her fault. As much as she wanted to blame it on the other party she knew she had been the true enabler. If she had only been more conscious and forced herself out of that assured comfort. If only she was more confident and not fearful of the reprisal of her actions. If, if, if. Fuck she had always imagined herself strong, sure that the next tough decision she wouldn't screw it up like Torfan. But she had been needy and greedy. She was so lost, so unsure of herself and her command she latched strongly onto Kaidan.

 

So far her approval rating was a bit sub par. She had already been reamed out for destroying some Prothean ruins even though that really hadn't been entirely her fault and then the Council had gotten snippy when she saved the Rachni. She saved a race from annihilation and still that got her nothing. So as much as she wanted to be far away from Noveria there was a proposition she certainly couldn't turn down. Well she could have but the discussion with the Council left her with the urge to punch something. Getting drunk on or off ship felt like poor decorum and she had to admit Lorik's note and offer was a little more enticing. She wasn't sure if it was a game or a sincere offer until she arrived at his personal apartments above Synthetic Insights. Giving the crew leave and heading there looked like she was finishing some business with the turian.

 

A small part of her felt like she was cheating on Kaidan, but damn it, it wasn't like they were exclusive or anything. Yea they talked a lot and flirted a bit too much, but she talked and flirted a lot with Garrus - but it wasn't the same. For starters she knew where she stood with the turian and knew with utmost certainty that he wasn't interested. He never gave her any signs he was interested. Not that she had been trying to get him interested, but her flirting always led her down a lot of wrong roads or it was misinterpreted. Plus her few flirting techniques fell flat and she learned quickly just to steer clear lest she make things more awkward then they were. Besides conversation with Garrus was what it was and never anything more. She liked the turian and he was certainly enthusiastic enough to sit working on the Mako just to get a tenth percentage more power or fire power out of it. He also endured long Mako trips without a single complaint.

 

Which only led her back to her predicament that she would like to blame Kaidan for. If watching him work under the muted lights of the Normandy wasn't pure sex she didn't know what was. The broad shoulders moving carefully as he worked on cleaning his guns. Sometimes she would watch him for a few minutes, catch the sight of muscles flexing and moving beneath Alliance issued fabric. She would stare at the not so clean shaven face, the cleft chin that she would often want to touch. She damned him nine ways to hell but really it was her own damn fault for enabling the lusty thoughts to continue. 

 

It was her own fault for the charged sexual tension, if she had done what she had set out to do maybe it wouldn't be so bad. But no she shared long glances, 'accidental' brushes of fingertips or feet against legs, she took him too often on missions and selfishly divested too mush time being around him. It was getting harder to pull away from him even when the conversation had run it course. Maintaining decorum was getting tough when her thoughts kept running over what it would feel like to have his hands on her, lips against hers. The tension she felt aching for release was certainly not helping matters. So when the offer was put out there she felt a bit guilty, but the minute Lorik put his hands on her those thoughts vanished. Of course they were back now telling her how much of a slut she was for not just waiting it out. But it was certainly too late now. She was nearly on the tip of release and while the guilt lingered the need over rode all sense.

 

The bundle of nerves tensed, the timber of subharmonics echoing in the air and vibrating off of her. With a burst the nerves came undone, her eyes closing as the shudder slipped up and over her body. For a split second she could see Nihlus beyond her closed eyes and in a sigh she thought was for herself said, “Oh Nihlus.” just as she felt him slide smoothly into her. 

 

Shit that wasn't private. For a moment there was a pause as he leaned over her, still buried deep in her as her orgasm still sent pings of release rocking through her. Then came the first pull out and thrust and she thought maybe he didn't hear her, but when she opened her eyes the mock smile was plastered on his face, deep amber eyes looking at her as he pulled out and then slid back in. 

 

“Nihlus – huh would have thought you might have said that human male or that young C-Sec agent.”

 

She could feel the embarrassment creep up her cheeks flushing her face and neck, her face obviously giving away who might be the one on her team she was most interested in. The mood suddenly warped and changed and yet he still slid out and back into her taking her embarrassment in stride. She had no words.

 

“There had been a rumour swirling he had a new paramour after his falling out with Saren.”

 

The words shocked her pulling her a little more out of the sensual roll of his hips against hers.

 

“What?” She huffed out, finding it a bit too erotic the way he pushed into her like she said nothing at all.

 

“What are you asking what to – the rumour of the new paramour or his falling out with Saren?”

 

“Both.” She muttered trying to keep a part of her concentration on the conversation and keep moving her body. She had always found talking a bit distracting during sex and usually once it started it was hard to keep both going at the same time. But Lorik had just said something that intrigued her and she wished to know more. 

 

“Ah, I forgot you humans have such jaded views about relationships.” He pressed into her again and she found herself moaning, his plates rubbing along the sensitive bundle of nerves. Leaning low he licked along her clavicle and another sigh came out.

 

“What do you mean?” She was honestly curious as the amount of turians she had into bed should have certainly schooled her on their behaviour or thoughts on sex more then what she did know. 

 

“Oh the idea of one partner for life, your ideas on love.” He grunted a little when her hand found purchase on the small bit of his waist grabbing at the sensitive area, her other hand busied itself raking down his one side. “Love, lust, blowing off steam sometimes mean the same thing for a turian. Just because we blow off steam with one person does not mean we love our bond mate any less. There are – damn it woman.” He growled out as her fingers dug into the sensitive plates at the waist.

 

Smirking a little she could feel his heated glare as he pushed into her now with a little more urgency and moments later her actions led Lorik to her neck being nibbled and licked away. This felt too good.

 

“The new paramour was a rumour – didn't figure Nihlus one for the human persuasion. Although, I can see why he might be taken in.”

 

She felt her cheeks flush at the compliment. People kept telling her not to sell herself short but it was still difficult to see what others saw. Years of verbal abuse taught her one thing and pulling herself out of that mindset was a tough road. But she had in the last couple of weeks heard the exact compliment from more then one person. It felt a bit unnerving and awkward. Suddenly Lorik grabbed her and using his size and strength shifted them on the bed so now she was riding him. The pressure against her sensitive nerves rolled up as he bucked up into her, blunt taloned hands grabbed at her breasts squeezing them gently as fingers swirled to bring her nipples to a hardened peaks. Bucking her hips against his she could feel that intense feeling climb again.

 

* * *

 

_Yes he could see why Nihlus had been interested. She didn't seem the type usually hung up on labels and her acceptance of his offer had been unexpected but most welcome. Seeing her swaying above him, hips moving with need he could see why someone might be enamoured. She wasn't like many other females, he could see bits of shyness in her, guilt maybe that flashed in her eyes and yet just as quickly as she looked emotive she could pull up a wall and be as blank as a piece of stone. She was certainly a force not to be trifled with, he just wondered if she knew that. She held herself with a calm and steady demeanor, she did not walk proud – except when there was a goal that needed to be achieved. She knew her way around words, heck she conned him into testifying and now he was the damned Administrator of Port Hanshan._

_But here where masks were unveiled quaking in his hand she seemed so small and meek. Her face angelic as the orgasm swept over her, turning hard lines and frowns to perfect shudders and lips that demanded to be kissed. He would have to make it a point to put her on his list, he would enjoy a second visit if she had time. It certainly helped that she was so wet for him when she came up, obviously looking for a quick release. Stupid humans. The human male in her group was missing out, but he understood there were rules on the Alliance ships and their silly rules on getting to know a person before sliding into bed with them._

_True he liked to know who he stepped into bed with but there had been a few times he never got a name or just barely got one. It was his life and after his testifying stint his rating among his own kind would surely rise. This woman could raise his rating more if anything got out. But that might not be the best thing to blab to everyone as she was the discreet sort and would likely kill him if anything went beyond his bedroom suite. Besides she had a mission and the Alliance would likely keep her all to themselves if she was ever done with her mission. He also had a sense that she had feelings or cared for the human male in her group and there were doubts that she would be back unless things fell through with the human. Which was a good possibility as unlike some other humans she wasn't quite vocal about what she wanted between the sheets. It might have been good for him then that he was good at following the sighs and moans when he touched her or the way her hips moved against his fingers and mouth. So maybe he would get lucky again, although, with her he had his doubts._

_He did wonder as they curled together spent if there had been more between her and Nihlus then what was vocalized. Saying another's name during sex was never good from what he read, but he was willing to over look the misstep if it gave more fodder to the rumours. He had forgiven her the slight of saying another's names and delighted a bit in her embarrassment, but he never asked her whether there was more then the rumour mill contained. Need always overrode his curious side and what she didn't offer he didn't probe. There was more to her file, more she didn't speak of and hid from others, there was something lingering behind those eyes that made him wonder what else was on her mind or swirling in her thoughts. He had a feeling she might be one of those types that would be interested for a while until the interest or the emotional attachment waned. He wasn't sure though, she was not like the human females he usually dealt with. Near the morning she asked to use the shower and he obliged her request by joining. After she had cleaned up there was a curt good bye as she made her exit. Sex with the first human Spectre, he'd have to put that in the record books somewhere._


	5. Troublemaker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the events of Noveria, Garrus ponders some things about Shepard.

_She doesn't like me._ He chanted the mantra internally to himself every time she was near. The mantra ticked in his mind every time she crossed her arms in front of her chest and jutted one of her hips forward. He thought his time with C-Sec gave him the gambit of behaviours, attitudes and quirks of humanity, but the Commander seemed to take everything he had learned and turn it on its head. Her behaviour, her quirks, just the way she said things were completely odd and weird. It was enough to make him doubt his assured mantra. She made him throw out everything he knew about human behavior or he started making addendum’s such as humans only flirt with people they were interested in – except Shepard. 

 

He had to believe his addendum’s were true as she used the same tone of voice and laugh with almost everyone else. At first he thought it was just to throw everyone off, but he started to catch on that this was just her way. She was either very confident or preferred to keep everyone in the dark. He almost wanted to say it was likely bits of both. The Commander was anything but predictable. She would laugh at he oddest things, things that were usually considered disturbing or outright odd. He thought she was just trying to cover up for being uncomfortable but he realized it wasn't that. She just found disturbing things more comical. Maybe it was her background being a survivor of Mindoir, then going through what she did on Torfan. Or maybe it was something else that made the disturbing just not phase her the same. _She doesn't like me._

 

There were so many times he felt right about his mantra and Shepard – he thought he knew it all. Then she'd do something and it would smash it all to pieces. He stopped expecting her to do the expected. Even when he went prying into some of the listed accomplishments the Alliance had posted he found nothing to predict her and he disliked it. People had rhythm's, routine. Even in the Alliance there was so much routine just built in surely she must have adapted somehow. Or maybe she was just good at just skating by, going unnoticed even when she was going against the rule. 

 

She wasn't like Ashley or Pressly with their more xenophobic views about aliens being given free roaming on a prototype ship. Her views didn't match Kaidan's – the wary acceptance of others, towing the line with the rules and regulations. All the other variables of the crew he noted and observed Shepard hit one small section but not the rest. It was confounding and made the mantra harder to chant in his head. He had been half tempted to just break with convention and ask her, but there was some intimidating quality she held that kept the question at bay. Besides even if she were just being flirty or overly friendly at least she was still talking to him, making him feel like part of the crew. Whereas, if he blurted out the question hoping to squash his uncertainty it may lead to being passed over for missions or less chat time. And even though he wasn't a great conversationalist, she made it worth it.

 

_Just admit the fact you like her Vakarian._ He sighed at the small voice in his head and conceded that maybe against his better judgment the respect he had for her was morphing into something more. So maybe those long nights heading to the next location he would catch her prowling around and he wished one night she would stop and finally see him. There were a lot off thoughts that surged to his head. Things his mind latched onto and played over and over in his mind. _She doesn't like me._

 

He saw the difference between who she really liked and who she saw as a friend. His visor give him a plethora of data no file ever could like heart rate, heat signatures, vitals, stress levels. He might not be able to read her face but the things his visor told him were enough to give him his credence. He saw the change when she spoke to others, but he based his mantra on her reaction with Kaidan. Even before he had heard the whispers he had noted the looks shared, the flush of her cheeks when their fingers grazed or brushed, the change in her heart beat when they talked. He noted her reactions were not quite the same with him and so his mantra continued. _She doesn't like me._

 

He was envious of Kaidan, even if he had no idea how to deal with her being - well her. She toned down the flirting a little since the initial few missions, but her demeanor did not help him. Sure he had dealt with his own share of curious human women making a pass at him, but something about the way Shepard did it was, well different. He didn’t have enough fingers to count the number of times she slipped in a sexual innuendo or teased him in some manner. Her eyes always held this mischief that was almost daring him to make a move. Damn her and her weird human ways. _She doesn't like me._

 

He saw a change in her after Noveria it was a subtle change, but he noticed that she seemed more introspective, more drawn to herself. She wasn't coming around laughing and teasing Wrex or being playful with Ashley. If he had to put a finger on it he'd say she and Alenko had finally done the deed, but the way the Lieutenant looked at her he had his doubts. Sparks still flew between them but the intensity seemed to be muted on her end. He wondered if it was the aftermath of Noveria sinking in 

 

In his gut he thought she was going to destroy the Rachni. Her method with most things outside the Normandy had been rough, rude, negative, intimidating. Some called her attitude bitchy – a strange human term but he found her attitude more like his old drill sergeant, rough to show no sign that there might be a gentle or kind side or even something more then just the facade they wore daily. It was a mask that she wore and wore well, but he knew now there were several sides to her, but very few saw who she really was. He noticed some people went with the side they saw and most never thought that she might be more. 

 

It had been the first time down on Noveria where he didn't see that side to her and wondered what had compelled her to stay her hand. He could see the strain of the mission on her. It was a flash, when the frown shifted and the exhaustion set in her eyes. She never gave a complaint even though each system she hopped to hoping for a clue to find Saren left her with more work then less. The Alliance was quick to send her out on missions where there seemed to be one issue or another. And as much as she growled and spit a bit of venom she was still a good soldier, still felt obliged to help even if their mission got delayed. 

 

He could tell the delays were grating on her and the crew. Each system up popped the Alliance to cry about some bomb they lost or beacon downed or missing ship. He had a feeling she might lose her cool once and tell Admiral Hackett where to shove it. He wasn't sure what the term meant but he had heard it enough from the crew grumbling as up came another snag in their mission. She should have just told Hackett where her mission was and that he was putting her behind with all this petty stuff about biotics kidnapping some Chairman or a military Major becoming like a cult leader. It seemed so little against the bigger picture and the praise she got was so half hearted. Were she turian they certainly would not have stopped her along the way to her goal just to get some petty thing out of the way. No, they would have understood the need for her to continue on with the mission and sent someone else. But he supposed that was where humans differed to turians.

 

Watching her now, eating alone, he could see the slouch in her shoulders.  He wished he knew a way to brighten her day. Kaidan always had something witty or had a way to draw her out, but even now the biotic looked a little lost for words as she had chosen to sit away from everyone including him. It was a clear sign she wanted to be alone and most people were steering clear of her. He wondered what laid heavy on her mind, what made her slouch. Was it the feeling that Saren was always too many steps ahead of them? Or had words been shared between Alenko and her? H _a don't get your hopes up there Vakarian._ Shaking his head he returned back to his meal but really wondered if there was a way to say something and get a glimpse of her smile if only for a moment. _You are fool and she doesn't like you._

 

 

 

 


	6. Incidents and Exchanges

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This spans the time frame of post-Virmire to pre-Ilos. Story contains some switching of points of view and music to voice some events.
> 
> Shepard is finally going to get the support she deserves? Kaidan watches the Commander swim. Finally the two get together.

Finally, they were listening. After all this time someone was taking her seriously. It meant she hadn't lost Ashley for nothing, that all the stops and all the horrors she saw might finally come to a head. Sighing she had Joker plot in a course for the Citadel as their next destination. Wearily, she moved down from the system map and headed to the doors leading to the lower levels. She really should check in on the rest of the crew, the loss of Ashley – it reverberated through the ship. Inside she should have felt guilty, she should have felt something for loosing another crew member. Fuck she had almost lost Wrex over the whole mess. It had been an act of fate she had been able to talk him down. Made him see reason that letting Saren get away with the genophage cure would shackle his people and make them slaves.

 

One loss, one gain. She lost Ashley and should have felt more. But she had barely known the woman, she found her abrasive and her views on aliens a bit backward. Now as she looked back on Ashley she saw a woman she never knew well enough. Her mind had been so wrapped up in Kaidan, in how she felt for him, their secret moments together even with everyone around them. She had never divested enough time in Ashley, never got to know her more. Maybe if she knew Ashley more she might not have thought of how easy it was to condemn her to death. She hadn't even thought twice about who she was going to save. It didn't hurt when they ran for the Normandy, she didn't feel regret. She should feel regret.

 

_Hey, don't write yourself off yet_  
 _It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on._  
 _Just try your best, try everything you can._  
 _And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away._

_It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride._  
 _Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright)._

_The Middle – Jimmy Eat World_

* * *

He watched her slice through the water with long, sharp strokes, her legs kicking furiously. Nearing one end she flipped around and changed the stroke, propelling herself to the other end. Her moves were so elegant, fluid. She belonged to the water that much was evident. He saw her face change even at a distance. He could see the hard lines shifting, smoothing out almost like she was working out all her frustrations in the the swim. The frustration of the Council's refusal to lend aid and condemning her at every move, the frustration against the Alliance for locking them down, forcing them to be more behind their target and catching him. Maybe the frustration at him? He shook his head not sure. Sometime he felt so close to her it hurt when she stepped away and then other times she seemed a thousand years away the harshness making him ache for her gentler side. He knew there was more to her, she never said a word but there were things she was keeping from him.  

 

_I cannot take this anymore_  
 _Saying everything I've said before_  
 _All these words they make no sense_  
 _I find bliss in ignorance_  
 _Less I hear the less you'll say_  
 _You'll find that out anyway_  
  
 _Just like before..._  
  
 _[Chorus:]_  
 _Everything you say to me_  
 _Takes me one step closer to the edge_  
 _And I'm about to break_  
 _I need a little room to breathe_  
 _Cause I'm one step closer to the edge_  
 _I'm about to break_

_One Step Closer – Linkin' Park_

* * *

**The Incident and Afterward**

 

_And I would be the one_  
 _To hold you down_  
 _Kiss you so hard_  
 _I'll take your breath away_  
 _And after I'd, wipe away the tears_  
 _Just close your eyes dear_

 

_Possession – Sarah McLachlan_

 

 **They hated every part of me**  
Expect me to forget it  
They tried so hard to bury me  
But I survived it every time

Convicted of every crime  
Silently doing time  
But when I get outta here  
I wanna make it clear

Vengeance is mine  
Vengeance is mine, mine, mine  
To forgive is divine  
But vengeance is mine, mine, mine

Vengeance is Mine – Alice Cooper

 

* * *

 

There was something wrong with her. She felt assured by her own crazy that she was accepting it as fact. Her body and some subset of her brain accepted it was working of its own accord and pulled her through the motions. She knew she felt something for Kaidan – but was it truly something more than lust? She remembered how strong the flames of desire had been for him, she could taste the sweet need and ache between her legs. She thought she had sated herself or pushed it out of her mind when she took Lorik up on his offer. She felt she could think clearly afterward. But it didn't last. The slow build started and she felt the need for him calling. Her mind went to places – thinking of his lips or hands on parts of her body and it seemed after the mess of Feros the intensity only dialed up. She only wished she had caught her flirting short with Liara instead of things coming to a confrontation.

 

She hadn't meant to lead the asari on, but there she was causing trouble again. She remembered Kaidan mentioning Liara was interested in her but she figured it was nothing but admiration. No, she knew she was partially guilty for being a horrible tease and likely giving the asari the wrong idea. And oddly her attraction meter had considered Liara one night and then is was gone. Everyone claimed to love the asari, but she was always different then the norm. While everyone was drooling all over the asari her eyes were on the turians. All sharp lines and colony markings on their face. She felt more in tune with the turians, that some how she felt she would fit rather well in their society. She was never a good human. _Shepard you are a hot mess of issues._

 

_2am; where do I begin,_  
 _Crying off my face again._  
 _The silent sound of loneliness_  
 _Wants to follow me to bed._  
  
 _I'm a ghost of a girl that I want to be most._  
 _I'm the shell of a girl that I used to know well._

_The Lonely – Christina Perri_

* * *

She had been sitting at her desk not really reading the data and then he came in. His voice drawing her out of her thoughts, out of where her mind roamed and dwelt. Standing, she felt the pull toward him, the yearning and the need fired up, coiling warmth in her stomach. Her heart fluttered wishing he would just stop thinking, stop holding back and just pull her into his arms. _**Stay with me.**_ It was all she needed to say and she drew him close. The soft way he touched her, wide fingers grazing her cheek as if the mere touch would shatter the illusion and find himself only dreaming this was happening. She pulled him closer, wrapping an arm over his shoulder and drawing him into a kiss. The kiss she had longed for since she noticed him, since they had started flirting and she wondered what his lips would feel like. A soft tingle slipped along her lips and she felt this type of energy roll over her. God that felt wonderful. Breaking the heated kiss she opened her eyes and met his lidded gaze. His hands were planted firmly on her back one at the back of her head, the other at the small of her back stroking gently with firm but sure strokes. Her body felt on fire and she leaned in again pushing her lips against his.

 

Her fingers dipped low along his side eliciting a moan from him as her finger fished under the hem of his shirt and brushed against flesh. She could feel his need for her brushing against her thigh as he shuffled them toward her bed. The feel of him there – so hard, her hips pivoted grinding a bit against him. Fingers pulled at fabric and she was quick to relieve him of his shirt through heated kisses. His skin, just as she imagined. Muscles flexing or twitching under the the delicate touch of her fingers. The edge of the bed pressed against her legs and they fell together a mess of limbs and heated kisses broken. Righting themselves she felt his intense stare and for a moment they held it, feeling his hot breath warming her lips. His fingers smoothed along the line of cheek bone and flared to brush a strand of hair from her face.

 

She couldn't stand the stare it shone on her too deeply, too intently so she moved her head and their lips met again. His hand skating down her side as the other wrapped around and rustled through her hair. Clothes came off slowly, his steady hands drawing out the touches and making her moan and shudder at each pass of his fingers. His lips trailed over her jawline, nipped at her ear before trailing hot kisses lower down her neck. When his lips found her breasts she felt for sure she was done. The energy that crackled around him when things got intense. It was glorious. Her own skin prickled, lifting in goose flesh and re-igniting the fire burning at her core. Fingers raked against his skin, slipping through his hair and playing gently at the nape of his neck.

 

Her body wanted him. The ache between her legs strong now. She thought it was lost, but here in his arms she was alive in this moment. The torment she held, the pain underneath slipped away. His lips smoothing along the soft flesh of her breasts, suckling gently and drawing her nipples to peaks. So gentle, so slow. She wriggled against him, the need so deep. The wetness pooled between her legs and the dark images faded. Soon she was left in her panties and his clothes gone. She felt assured he did so on purpose as his fingers ghosted lower and lower making her moan into the kiss. Fingers slipped beneath the band and her hips rose, one leg wrapped around him so eager.

 

Fingers slipped lower and a shuddered sigh escaped as he brushed against her clit and down to her awaiting folds. The energy surged around him again and she moaned as it tingled against her the bundle of nerves crying for more. His fingers slid up and then back down. Her hips rising and falling, each pass she pressed harder urging his fingers to slide into her. She moaned into his shoulder, lips brushing along his neck until she found the sensitive spot between earlobe and neck and flicked her tongue out. His hips bucked and she could feel his hardness against her thighs as a finger delved into her awaiting folds. She groaned hard, his thumb circling her clit sliding long and then short strokes as he pushed a second finger in.

 

Her lips suckled at his shoulders. Please Kaidan her body was saying and the last vestiges of her clothes slipped off. Their bodies crushed closer and yet he still stroked her, bringing her hips up and down in fluid motions. The tightness bundled in her core, her stomach clenching, body going stiff then slack. Biotics flared when she captured his earlobe in her lips and the crash happened. She moaned low and soft, her whole body rigid and then crash. The waves hit her and she forgot how good it felt to have such a release. The energy surged again before he entered her and he grunted as her walls clenched around him still riding out the waves of pleasure.

 

Arms flexed as he thrust into her, looming over her. Fear rose and she choked it down. The thoughts she chased away and wanted nothing more but to bring him to his release. She pivoted on the bed, pushing him down on the sheets, his eyes closed and she watched the biotics spark as she started to ride him. Fingers slipped over her skin, wrapping around her breasts as she rolled her hips. Her fingers drew lines up his abs to his chest and back down. He bucked a little stronger and she met his need digging into his sides with her thighs. She rode him until he could no longer hold back and the energy surged around them dislodging items on her night table and pushing items on her desk. The energy crackled against her inner folds and she came again in a shuddering mess. Why had no one told her about biotics? She clenched hard against him riding on his orgasm and hers.

 

Slowly he brought her down to kiss as their bodies still worked out the last bits of their release. Her thighs and body ached for more and she still bucked even as he pulled from her. Kisses consumed them and then it all died down in heated breaths and smiles. He nuzzled his head into her shoulder and she stroked his hair with lazy fingers. Her hips rolling when he put a leg between her legs. She wanted him again, but she could feel the exhaustion of their exploits also calling. His breath against her neck sent shivers down her spine and she was moaning weakly in the haze of sleep. Fingers found their way to her needful center and she peaked a third time after the third stroke. Maybe she wasn't broken after all

 

_How? How could you tell someone that you were not strong enough? How could you make them believe that you were not the one to believe in. How do you tell them you are afraid, weak, broken. How can you tell them you are sullied, unworthy. She had been close to revealing all her secrets in the post-coital bliss. The soft way he made love to her, his warmth she soaked up. She nearly cried twice, but held the tears and the pain. Instead she muted the pain to moans, she needed his desire. She need to know she was beautiful in someone's eyes, that no matter her past she may be someone to adore. As sleep came she promised herself she would tell him everything when everything was over. When Saren was stopped she promised that she would tell him even if it meant he never loved her again. The fear rose, but she steeled herself. For once she wanted to be honest and get all the burdens off her chest._

 

 

 

 


	7. Conversations with the Dead and the Rebirth of Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard talks with a lost and dead companion, Ashley Williams before the last moments of her life play before her eyes.
> 
> A rebirth, but not the good kind.

“I – I don't think I'm good at this.”

 

“At what?” Ashley leaned forward, part of her face black and charred. The smell of burnt flesh and death clung to her. She couldn't keep the deep gaze the woman held with her and shifted her gaze away.

 

“At relationships. I don't think I'm supposed to be in them.”

 

“Why do you think that Skipper?”

 

“Because I am not a very good human. I just don't think I'm supposed to be with someone for the long term.”

 

“Please elaborate.” Ashley's voice cracked and she could almost feel the smug smirk on the woman's partially dried, bruised and burnt lips.

 

“Well – before I became an orphan I thought I would be married one day and maybe have children. Since then everything has changed.”

 

“How so?”

 

“I don't envision weddings anymore. I mean it would be nice but its is not a thing that would need to happen to define the next step in my relationship with someone. Seems such a hassle for a glorified party and I just don't see myself in white.” Sighing she dipped her head down and raked her hands over her face.

 

“Sometimes I think I'm better off single. I've been in one long term relationship and it didn't work out. It is always the same with me. At first I'm all hot, I crave the person like a bad drug and I want to be around them all the time. Then eventually when that wears off and I am just done with them. I'm not even sure I feel love for a person, maybe it is just lust and feeling that passion someone else might have for me, I just absorb. Then afterward it is a seething hate – maybe tolerated like. Things a person does start to grate on my nerves and I want to strangle them. Sometimes I think of them dead just so I am out of the damned 'committed relationship.' I'm just not a good person to live with others – don't ask how I got through being crammed in barracks with tons of people for years on end. But then if I think about an open relationship I realize I couldn't do it. I'm a jealous and needy person. To me I might be able to sleep with a person but sex and attachment are very intermingled in my head. Trying to not feel something might be hard. I'd likely make a worse lesbian. I mean not that I've never been interested it is just – the women I find attractive would not consider batting for the same team.

 

“Do you consider yourself bi-sexual?”

 

“Yes- No. I don't know. I find both attractive. I'd rather look at a female naked then male. I mean a nice sculpted male – so jaded. But females there is something about them that is alluring and mysterious. But I tend to have more relationships with guys. I've had a total of one real same sex relationship and it was over before it really began. Honestly I just don't know what I want. I almost find it comforting to have a distance relationship, see the person for a couple of hours a day and then poof they disappear until the next day. That type of relationship though will never happen, not on an Alliance ship where you are going to either seeing the person all the time or they are light years away. But truly long distance relationship would never work for me, maybe because I find someone attractive at least once. Also there is finding camaraderie in those your closer to versus someone light years away. I just – I just don't know . Maybe I have seen myself so alone for such a long time having to share just isn't in my mindset.”

 

“And children?” The question almost sounded mocking.

 

“I don't know. Sometimes I think that's what I want and then I think of my life now, how having a child would change my career and the freedom I think I have. That it will change my life to the non-existent life I think I have now. That it will change friendships, friendships I don't even know I have anymore.”

 

Ashley stayed silent, elbows resting on her knees, fingers steepled together. The tips of her fingers were charred and burnt along with parts of her body that she could see in the dim light.

 

“There is a short list of people I consider friend and I've watched them all slowly float away from me. The further they get the less I feel about the changes. I see them and there is a part of me angry that I'm not as close to them as they feel to me. At the same time I feel this calm inside and realize fighting the change will only speed the process. If I kick and growl it'll only push them further and faster and I've already accepted that I've lost them.”

 

“So why are you here?”

 

“I'm afraid.” The words tumbled out and the minute they were out she felt the tightening in her chest lessen a bit.

 

“Of what? That you like Kaidan? That you chose him over me because of your petty lust?”

 

“No-yes. I am afraid of what is going to happen if after it is all said and done, we get together and it doesn't work out. He's a subordinate and a part of my crew. What if it is just lust all over again and nothing more – something to work out the stress?”

 

“Again Skipper? Have a bit of a habit do we?”

 

She sighed hating to be interrupted but it was helping draw out the issues she held.

 

“Back after Mindoir there was a guy on the station I was on. Someone had introduced us after dinner, he was a bit of my guide helping me out. He was nice and kind. I wanted him. I was still young but I wanted him. We flirted for a while and then started dating. I forgot about trying to have a normal life and everything revolved around him. He was my first and I wanted so much to be with him, to marry him, to have his children. Still stuck in my old ways. I stopped staying in my room and stayed in his. Eventually he got something bigger so the two of us could live together. Some people didn't approve, but I didn't care. I still had school and therapy to finish up. I found a part time job helping out in the local shop. I didn't want to work in the shop forever but it was something different. Eventually though the lust and passion I had for him died. I'd come back to our place and realize it was a mess. I got so angry but never said a word. I kept everything quiet, fearful if I said a word it would ruin our relationship. Apparently, bottling the anger wasn't any better. I broke it off before things got too far like being engaged or married. I was alone for a little while before I just enrolled in the military. I didn't know what I wanted to do with myself. And I wasn't really alone I had someone waiting in the wings for me that I chatted with. And it was me wanting someone all over again.”

 

“So I wonder – after Nihlus am I just repeating myself? What if I am just using him because I am lonely and he's a gateway to others. What if I do like him and just trample all over his heart? I do that too did you know? Oh yes. Anyone nice enough to me and I crush them. Someone who wants me, who loves me for who I am and wants to be with me all the time. It is too smothering and I just crush them to bits. On Mindoir there was this guy – I liked him at first. I was too shy in class to speak to anyone and he was the first I really said something to. He was nice to me and introduced me to his friends. We dated and I liked him and then something switched off in my brain. I didn't want him anymore. It might have been because I was crushing hard on another guy a couple years older then me that I had met in the after school drama class. All the girls wanted him and when I got him I was out of my mind in love. Then we were over, I wanted him so bad and it was over. I started dating people I knew were interested in me, including my ex if only to prove I was over the other guy. I used them to mask my pain. I alienated a lot of people during that time, lost friends and didn't care. I knew I was leaving the colony after school and didn't care.”

 

Taking a deep breath she fidgeted with her hands.

 

“And then the attack came. How much of a horrible person do I have be to be glad it happened? That I dreamed of it happening!”

 

“Do you feel guilty about surviving the attack? For being that survivor?”

 

“Yes damn it! I hated everything. My parents, my family, that colony. And yet I loved them too. I felt guilty for hating them. I should have loved them and instead I was more angry at them. I was angry at them for not just loving me the way I was. I was angry at myself for hating them. I wanted to ask them why they couldn't just love me, why did they treat me so badly.” She could feel the tears flushing to her eyes and tried to choke them down. “I wasn't perfect in their eyes. I knew I would never be perfect and instead of accepting that I loved myself I hated myself. They made me hate showing emotion, it was weak and when they wanted my emotions I faked it. I faked being happy until I had everyone convinced. Everyone says I haven't changed that is because no one knows who I am. I pretend and no one is the wiser. No one asks the real questions and I just let them believe whatever they think they know.”

 

“Is this what you fear? Are you afraid Kaidan might see your weakness and hurt you?”

 

“Maybe. Sometimes I know I am being false around him and I just want to be me. Fuck the “she's always a bitch” mindset. I want to show him I can be sad, I want to tell him when he pisses me off, I want to be brave. And I am afraid I'll hurt him. He's the type to trust implicitly, to be so in love and I fear I'll never feel that same intensity for him. I fear I'll never feel that for anyone.”

 

“What about Nihlus. How did you feel about him?

 

“Shit I don't know. I've never felt like that before. He's the first that just knew how to touch me. Why can't I just tell someone what I want in sex? Why can't I just open my damn mouth and tell them. I'm not this shy I promise. Fuck I am just messed up.”

 

“What would you say to Kaidan if you could?”

 

She gulped the pain lancing in her chest, she felt the tears burning in her eyes and running hot pain down her throat as she choked them back.

 

“I'd tell him about the attack, about Mindoir, about my family. I'd tell him how much I think I love him and how scared I was. I would tell him – I would tell him what happened during the lock down. That the great Commander Shepard was weak. That five men died at my hands because I wanted vengeance for what they did to me and afterward I felt hollow, less then what I was. That in time I was honest with him. The pain of what was done washed away the more he loved me and I would want to thank him for being patient enough with me when I couldn't tell him what I wanted. And I'm sorry – I'm sorry I died before I could say a word.”

 

“ _Commander Shepard. You have been found wanting, you have been found weak. The punishment for all your crimes is death and pain._ ”

 

* * *

 

 _Pain lanced strong through her whole body, every nerve on fire. If she could scream she would have. Instead her mouth couldn't open. She couldn't even feel her teeth clenching against the pain. What was happening?_ The last thing she remembered was space, fire, the hiss of her oxygen being depleted. Her heart was hammering hard in her chest. She tried to stay calm as her hands groped for the part that was broken, trying to find a way to save herself. The blast had blown her clear from any wreckage to use as a life line. Far off she thought she saw the glint of life pods carrying them far away. The stars had been her companion for a long time. They had called to her since she was young, urging her to explore and find herself place among them.

 

She loved the stars. She would go on space walks just for the joy of feeling completely weightless, to feel the cold arms wrap around her and urge her to dance. Space, like water was her haven. They called to a part of her and brought tranquility to her mind. The doubts washed away, the fears, everything she held melted. A wrong slip and she could be dead, she knew this. And yet the fear of death did not stop her from doing this, it only made her dance more worth it. Unlike the dance floor, her moves were fluid, strong, purposeful. She didn't have an audience snickering at how her elbow bent or the odd pivot of her hips. Her anger seethed all the time when they made fun of her. No one, except maybe the dancers hired had been properly trained. How could people judge so strongly? How could they be so hateful so in need of their own self worth that they would bring another down?

 

She stopped really trying to dance. When she wanted to her movements were always jerky, struggling against what she really wanted to do. The proper part of her said the way she moved now was more in line with how she should behave and the other part growled knowing she could do better, knowing that if she just let go she could be free. But she had never let go, had she? She had clung to her past and all that had happened. She had let the hate and anger for everything carry forward. She had been stunted by that hate, she had been stunted by her own self-doubt, her belief that she was worth less then she was.

 

Warnings were going off in her helmet telling her she only had so much air left. Calm. But the calm did not come. Her hands were frantic all over her suit searching in desperation. Pieces of the wreckage blurred by and she could feel the oxygen sapping out of her helmet. The pain on her chest, the urging for air that screamed in her brain. She was choking and dying among the stars. Her own body felt the tugging of the planet below, she was ensnared in it's gravity now. Gasping frantically, her eyes watered desperate for air but finding nothing. The next moment she breathed in there was nothing and everything screamed. Her chest was on fire, a weight so strong she could hardly focus and her brain argued wondering where the air was. A icy hand settled over her, in those final moments she saw the stars and then it was dark.

 

_Now, now. Where was she? Had she survived the fall? Had a pod landed on the planet and saved her? Voices were like a dull thrum in her ear, that is if they were voices. She couldn't really focus on anything as the pain seared higher. Maybe the Alliance had recovered her and were operating, had her partially paralyzed. Stupid fools. When she came to she would give them a reaming about their carelessness and not just knocking her out. Paralyzing her never worked, she still felt the pain. Found that out the hard way when she broke her arm celebrating her N7 designation and they couldn't put her under._

 

 _Something sharp slid deep in and her mind registered the pain. She still couldn't scream or make a motion to tell them to stop. When she got off the table she was going to hit the doctor in charge. The dull crunch of reset bone, something drilled in. The voices were getting agitated. Was someone finally_ _noticing she could feel this? No. The pain came again and she remembered the voice from her dream, the one who passed judgment on her. She was meant to feel this pain – it was being done on purpose._

 

_**Will you carry this too?** The soft voice mocking her. This was her test maybe? Or what she deserved. She had never been a good person in her life. She hurt people, she used people, she was not a good soldier, tossed the book out the first time things got rough. She punished people for what had been done to her, she carried anger and guilt around with her, she was unforgiving and unkind, she didn't trust anyone, she didn't love. Or had she? Maybe she had and then her heart was broken and she never found the pieces to put it all together again. She had never told Kaidan all that she wanted to. She had promised she would tell him and then the time never came. If I see him again. You'll what? She didn't know exactly, but she promised again she would find a way to tell him, even if it was just in written word._


	8. Wake Me Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard is revived, but is it a test, a trick or something far worse? Revelations are dangerous and knowing the truth does not make things better.
> 
> Homecomings are never quite what you hope, much to her chagrin.

“Shepard. Your scars haven't healed. You need to get up. The station is under attack.”

 

The pain throbbed making her hands shake even as she shook the bits of sleep from her aching body. She had heard the words attack and instinctively she was moving without thought. Her eyes saw a symbol on the wall – not the usual Alliance markings but maybe this was a special hospital not exactly flying under Alliance colours. An attack could mean anything and she was ill-equipped with just some standard issue clothes. Someone had taken the time to dress her, at least she wasn't in some paper thin gown with her ass hanging out. Rising slowly, her mind flashed to the last moment she remembered – which was her lungs burning and searing with pain. Deprived of oxygen she choked and then her world went dark. The memory made her realize how cold the room was, the shivers slipped down her spine but the the voice was at her again telling her to get up.

 

The voice didn't sound familiar but the rocking and shuddering of the place told her the voice was not lying about there being an attack. Unless this was a test and then such things could be faked or rigged. Jostling from the table her legs felt like rubber as her feet found purchase on the floor. Her hands still skittered and shook. **Shake it off Shepard** _._ But each movement reminded her of the pain of surgery. How long had she been under and yet not truly? The voice urged her to move telling her someone was trying to kill her. Where was Kaidan? He wouldn't leave her in some R &D lab or fix-it hospital. But he could be clear across the station or maybe off of it. The attackers could have lured him away. Or this could all be a horrible test and he was forced to watch on the sidelines. Either way she knew she needed to push everything down and start moving. Flexing her fingers she pulled open the locker, gear just for her. This must be a test. Why would they put gear here for any other reason?

 

It took her a little longer than average to suit up. Her fingers stumbled and caught on seals, her arms and legs still felt alien as if they had never moved before. The memories of her last moments still chased her but she swatted them away. **Calm down, get to Kaidan**. The rest would be explained later. Grabbing the gun, she checked it over quickly realizing it was out of clips. The feeling that this was a test was becoming more and more a reality. Someone was likely watching her her, testing to see how she reacted to stimuli or how she would hold under pressure. Good old Alliance deciding that they would forgo the simulators and rehab and go straight for the jugular. This must be some tucked away Alliance place.

 

Miranda's voice told her someone was trying to kill her. A ploy to get her invested in the scenario? She didn't know and just let her body pull her through everything willing her brain away from the things lurking there in the darkness, the sound of the drill, the feel of something being placed on bone. She shuddered at the thought and then the door exploding bringing her right out of the memory. Club the doctor later Shepard, time to get moving as they really weren't fucking around. Get to Kaidan.

 

She moved, ducked, vaulted, shot. Everything seemed to be working fine for her and she wondered how much it was costing the Alliance to shut down all these rooms and corridors, to make it look like people had been shot and were dead. This was some extravagance just to test if she was still soldier ready. Maybe she had been hurt more from the no air and plummeting to a planet. She didn't know the reasoning, didn't care she just wanted to be done and see Kaidan again. So she shot at some more mechs, timing her shots and then – it was like a spark went off somewhere she wasn't sure where but she was right in front of the mechs. What the fuck? How the hell? She didn't have much time to think as she was being shot at, her shields dropping quick. She knew she had been in cover just moments ago waiting to time her shots and then she had thought how easy it would be to just have this over. Something was wrong. Her stomach twisted and she back pedaled grabbing the worst type of cover before she righted herself and moved to get to something better.

 

Even her mind felt strange there was a tingle in her fingers and between her brows. She took out the rest of the mechs but she felt something strange in the back of her mind as she gathered more clips. Something deep, deep in the pit of her stomach told her she had been altered in some way, that she wasn't the same anymore. Had they used experimental tech maybe? She couldn't see herself being the soldier they'd bank money on an experiment – unless she had been so far gone that no one would see the harm. Her mouth felt dry. This didn't feel like a test anymore and she wondered if she was really fighting toward her freedom or to a cell?

 

* * *

 

 

She had been out for two years? Two years how was that possible? Of course the painful torture had felt more like she had been under for ten years and yet her brain only thought it was mere days, a month at most. Jacob kept talking but her mind was pulled in different directions. She was trying to assess all she knew from what she was picking up from Jacob. Not Alliance – so did that mean a black operation, something off the books? Two years, she was rebuilt – so that would require money. There was no way someone would green light that on the Alliance end at least not on the books. Someone would have made deals, but who? Anderson? Hackett? She had no family to think of. Kaidan? She wondered if he would even have the resources to pull that off. But someone wanted her alive and that sick feeling she had when she realized she had been changed somehow dug in a little deeper. Confusion racked over her. The symbol. The symbol on the door should mean something. The image was stuck in her head, the name tied to the image just a hair brush away from knowing and yet she was still pulling a blank on the name. Starts with a C. Corvith, no not that. Carthage. No not that either. Cerces? No.

 

So she started asking questions, who was the voice she was talking to before she ran into him? Miranda team lead on her reconstruction. Then she started to rattle through the questions, each leaving her with more questions then answers. When she asked about Kaidan, Jacob told her he was still with the Alliance, but not here. So where? What had happened to her? Who had done this? Everything tensed and she felt her mind tell her that she should be wary. This was no test, at least not one she was liking right away and the more she learned the more she wished she didn't know. Everyone she knew thought she was dead. That thought lingered in her mind and it made her realize that whoever was behind this was not a friend of the Alliance. Now if only she could remember the name tied to that symbol.

  

Sometimes – maybe ignorance is bliss. If Jacob hadn't told her who reconstructed her, who brought her back maybe the shake that lingered in her hands would have gone. But no matter what she could not take back the knowledge and the sheer revulsion she felt. Her skin crawled in a thousand new ways she wasn't sure she could ever clean. Cerebus. She felt sick at the very mention of the name remembering what they did with the Rachni, the geth, the Thorian creatures. Everything they had put their hands on had gone bad and now they had their hands on her. They had put her back together, took two years and billions of credits if she remembered the log she heard correctly. 

 

She wished she had a frag grenade to toss. Instead she had been altered, changed. She was no longer the soldier she remembered. They had thought it would be sweet to give her biotics. _I'm a damned vanguard._ Still kept her need to be in the front lines but gave her a bit more ompf. She didn't need ompf, she needed – she needed a damned shower and a fucking scrub brush. But nothing would ever chase this feeling away. Her skin, everything was not her own at least not anymore. So her hands kept shaking when she didn't have them clenched or when she didn't sit on them. All the taste in her mouth was covered with the bile she kept choking down. How bad would it be if she just opened up her omni-tool and sent out a distress call? Would it even get anywhere or would Cerebus block it from going anywhere? 

 

* * *

 

 

Why didn't she go with her gut? Why had she not gone with her initial thoughts of shooting the two Cerebus people in front of her and running? She considered stealing the shuttle and running away. But who would listen to her distress call? She didn't know where she was or how far from the friendly zone she was. Would the Alliance come or think it was all some huge hoax? Commander Shepard back from the dead with enough Cerebus tech to buy a small planet. Even if they believed the story of being brought back would anyone believe she wasn't their lackey now? 

 

Every instinct in her body told her to tell the Illusive Man where to go and how to get there. The Illusive Man implored her to see things his way, but all she saw was a reason to run. But what if he was right? The sick rolling part of her stomach still said flee. Flee before they get their claws into you. You don't owe them, you didn't ask them to spend billions of credits on you. There was no reason to revive her at least no good one that she could see. Yes she might have done some heroic things but it hardly lined up to all the other things she was condemned for doing. 

 

She should have followed her gut. The deep pit she felt herself falling into only seemed to yawn a little wider when she agreed to check out Freedom's Progress. She couldn't ignore the fact a colony might be under attack. Before her death there had been some rumblings of colonies disappearing. Everyone said slavers, so why did she feel it was more then that back then? Now the sinking feeling of that truth was back. Miranda had passed her some energy bar, but just looking at the logo on the bar set her stomach turning. She could barely keep down the water she was tentatively sipping waiting for the moment she would feel sleepy or less like herself. 

 

Miranda claimed to have brought her back as she was, but she knew this wasn't true. The truth was she had been changed and she didn't know how far the little tweaks had gone. Was she really herself? Was there really no control chip? There was so much she felt uncertain about and it chilled her to the core. Even being suited up her legs and arms felt cold and no matter the movement or rubbing nothing brought the warmth back. The further she went with Cerebus she felt she tumbled down the rabbit hole If she found purchase could she ever climb out or was she doomed for life?

 

Seeing a familiar face felt good even if that familiar face couldn't come with her. God she wished Tali would have said yes. She really wanted to ditch the Cerebus goons as quick as she could. Heck she would take a starving varren over the two, but if she had to choose one she really wished to get rid of it would have been Miranda. The woman unnerved her a bit too much. She kept noticing how Miranda watched her just at the edge of her peripheral vision. If she thought before that she was being evaluated, she felt it more now then ever. 

 

* * *

 

 

Standing in front of the mirror she took a long hard look at herself. The old scars from Mindoir were gone, her skin felt baby soft except for the parts where the glow and cracks showed from her implants. She still wasn't healed fully, that would take time. Time she obviously did not have. Two years gone from her life. Two years under the knife, being rebuilt. Bone, sinew, muscle all being regrown. Passing a finger over the lighted scars she wondered where the improvements ended. Where had Miranda stopped her upgrades? She felt out of control, first agreeing to the Illusive Man's proposal to check out Freedom's Progress – now she was agreeing to find a way to stop the Collector's. Her gut told her that Cerebus hadn't changed that no matter the song the self interest was there just secretly veiled. And yet she said yes. She could not deny that it was no longer small little towns on back water planets going dark it was whole colonies. Thousands of people just gone. Like Mindoir. Could she really turn her back on the truth and let others suffer?

 

Sighing she took stock of herself, same plain brown hair, same brown eyes. Eyes people saw as heartless and cold. Fingers slipped down over her flesh, the tender sensation raising gooseflesh all along her body. Her fingers still felt cold and shook. The cold was never chased away. Even under the extreme heat of the shower there was a chill that settled in her bones that would never go away. She had been dead, maybe at peace maybe not. But she had accepted her fate in those final moments and died knowing the life she had may not have been the best but it was hers. Now she was given it back and wasn't sure if it was really a gift or something horrid from a nightmare. The same old question still lingering in her mind – why me? Was this some sad payback for destroying all their Ce rebus operations while she was on the hunt for Saren? Would she get somewhere and then feel all her ability to move rendered useless only to be tortured and turned into one of their experiments. Technically she already was one. 

 

Turning slowly she looked at the right side of her back and noticed the tattoo she had gotten was gone. Everything from her old life was washed away by the Cerebus rebirth. Maybe this is a sign. A chance to forget, to move beyond. Could she see this as a gift, a true gift? Everything comes with a price. Could she really allow her new life be built by beginning something with terrorists and known to be anti-alien? Her skin still felt slimy ever after she had rubbed most of her skin red and raw. No matter what she was committed now. She agreed to do more about the Collector threat and the Illusive Man promised to find her suitable recruits and any resources she needed. Now she just needed to build her team. If only she could have those from the original Normandy. She would have to look into the possibilities, at very least she had Doctor Chakwas and Joker – they couldn't come on missions but they would in a small part keeping her head from losing itself. 

 

Looking at the dossiers in front of her, part of her felt the urging to get Mordin from Omega and get working on the Seeker Swarm counter measure, there was another part that felt the urgency to get to Archangel – how long could one last against the gangs of Omega. But she went first to the Citadel, she needed to speak to Anderson maybe beg him to take her back into the arms of Alliance, heck anything to get away from the creepy crawly feeling she had every minute of every day with Cerebus. She knew she was being watched everywhere including her cabin. If she was smart enough she would figure a way to dismantle the bugs, the video surveillance and everything else in her room meant to spy on her. Now more then ever she wished Tali had come with her. She could have gotten her to do it and at least give her some respite and a place to relax. Tali was about the only other person she would trust to dismantle the surveillance, if not her maybe Garrus. 

 

* * *

 

 

Standing before Anderson she felt her chances of being saved by the Alliance slipping through her fingertips. The colours she wore now seemed to have damned her on sight. There was nothing to be done. No matter how many times she said she was working with them not for them it did not change a thing. Everyone believed her lot had been thrown, her escape from Cerebus' clutches seemed like it would never be possible now. At the very least Anderson saw that she was doing some good. The Alliance was refusing to believe it was anything more then raiders or thieves in the night. At least he was more understanding then the damned Council. The fools she had decided to save. 

 

She wasn't sure why she saved them now. The Reaper threat forgotten, all that she had strived for with Saren – the truth she revealed swept under the rug. No one believed in the Reapers, it was just some big hoax that had been conjured up by a delusional turian to get the geth to follow him. The attack on the Citadel really a geth plot. The more the Council talked the more she regretted saving their sorry hides. They did not deserve her mercy if this was how it all went down. With no hot head Spectre there to yell at them and show the media the truth the Council could spin whatever truth they wanted. But maybe she could take some consolation prize in the fact her status as Spectre was restored. 

 

She picked up a master thief on her way through the Citadel with the promise of helping her with a heist. Everything comes with a price, but at the very least she had an extra crew member and a reason to bench Miranda. Jacob was former Alliance, he might be working for the wrong team now but he had been the one to tell her the truth of who brought her back. She did not see any agenda with him, still didn't fully trust him but he wasn't gauging her every movement for a report to the Illusive Man later. The fact that Jacob was former Alliance also gained him a few brownie points. She knew he kept his distance during her meeting with Anderson out of respect, he wasn't trying to inch forward to hear more. 

 

Anderson refused to budge on her questions about Kaidan. He was stonewalling her for a reason. She knew he trusted her just not the people she was with and who knows what type of recording devices they had strapped to her armour. First thing when she was done here was to start searching for her own type of armour. If she couldn't have peace in her own damned cabin she could at least know she wasn't being taped in her own armour. There was only so much privacy she was willing to endure being broken. At least the trip to the Citadel was not a terrible bust. Time to replace some of the Cerebus loaned items with some of her own.

 

Sighing she pushed away from Anderson. She wanted to grab him and make him take her to some Alliance holding cell, but that avenue was cut off. Now she could turn her attention back to gathering her crew and she knew where she was going first. Archangel. Yes, she knew the counter measure was important but the chance to help someone in need might make being with Cerebus seem a little less horrid. Maybe her skin would stop crawling, maybe the cold in her bones would go. She was after all reborn. Maybe she could start anew. Taking the taxi back to the Citadel she did a bit of shopping and garnering a few discounts while she was at it. Maybe being a once dead first human Spectre risen from death wasn't so bad. Possibilities were endless. 

 

Heading back down to C-Sec she asked around for Garrus, but her round of questioning got her as far as it had when she asked about Kaidan. No one had seen the turian in at least a year if not longer. She remembered the Illusive Man saying he had dropped off the grid. But how was that possible that even a shady organization didn't have a clue where he went? Maybe he had finally gone through Spectre training and was undercover. She had probed the usual questions among those Spectre's on the Citadel, still no one had a clue who she was talking about. So either he went home and enlisted back into the army, was undercover or... or what? Could he be dead and no one knew or bothered to tell her?

 

She knew asking anyone in the turian command would be futile. She knew his father's name, could message him and say what Shepard? “Hi, I'm Commander Shepard, First Human Spectre back from the dead – do you know where your son is?” That is if the man would even answer her call or look at her message. She remembered Garrus had commented on how much his father hated Spectre's. He had even went as far as to shoot down his sons own chances at Spectre training. But would it really be right to pull him from what he was doing? What if he was doing is good? Maybe this was her test. surviving Cerebus without being corrupted and tainted by their methods. Maybe going alone, having no one that she knew was the ultimate test. If you can make it through the lion's den you can make it through anything. 

 

All this cloak and dagger crap was really annoying her. Why wouldn't anyone speak plain? But the answer to that question was right there on her armour in big bold letters even if it was not. Heck she might as well hold a sign in bright letters with flashing lights over her head and watch how fast everyone scattered. Damn you Cerebus why couldn't you just be some by the books military organization? No, then things might be easy. She might not be a pariah or even shamed by the very association. Once in her ship she plotted a destination to Omega and headed for her room. The trip would give her time to think over things.

 

Even after her conversation with Anderson she still felt the urge to write Kaidan and let him know she was alive. Of course finding the right words to put to a message never came. No matter how she racked her brain over everything she wanted to say she knew the Cerebus thing would piss him off. They had both seen those horrors so how could she justify herself. If Anderson had just told her where he was she could try and make a covert meeting in private. She'd ditch the Cerebus colours and try to tell him what happened, try to make him understand. He had to understand. He had to know she was doing this for humanity. But the words never came, her data pad laid blank with a blinking cursor. Besides maybe her message would never get to him. 

 

She did not trust that Cerebus wasn't blocking her in some manner and would do things to keep her far from those she loved. Heck the dossiers had no one she knew. All just a bunch of thieves, mercs, convicts, and scientists. The dark hole she stumbled into yawned wider and it got darker the further she kept going. Maybe she was a Cerebus tool after all. The thought made her cringe and the cold in her limbs bit into her a little stronger. Rubbing her hands over her arms she grabbed a hoodie and paced the room working to get some warmth back into her limbs.


	9. Finding Archangel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Archangel finds himself near the end of the line until an unlikely face shows up to help him out. Will luck hold out? Or is this only a dream of a delirious turian?
> 
> Shepard finds she might be able to put up with Cerebus if she has someone she can trust.

He was running low on everything, heat sinks, medi-gel, rations, water, stims. Each one had kept him alive for five days, mostly the stims. The stims kept his limbs moving and kept his eyes open. Five days of constantly slinging shots at the enemy with little to no respite had dwindled his supply of stims. There were two shots of stims left and if he stretched them right he might get another day maybe two. Of course his need for everything else might well be his doom. Five days and he was starting to feel it. The muscles in his legs and arms ached from being in one position for too long. His head throbbed and his mouth was parched due to the lack of edible rations and drinkable water. Sooner of later something was going to give out and then he really would be doomed. The stims were not perking him up as long and he had enough medi-gel for a simple injury. **Face it Garrus your time is almost up.**

He was already starting to miss shots. His shots hit but didn't do the damage he wanted to. Mercs were still moving forward, picking themselves up after being shot. He was getting sloppy and he knew it. Soon he'd miss more shots until enough got through to do some real damage. He promised to go down fighting even if he had to fight them all with his bare hands. But that would only work if his shields held out while being shot at and he wasn't overrun. The way the mercs kept coming he more then likely to get lucky once or twice before it ran out. But he saw the caliber of the mercs being thrown his way – the bottom of the rung did most a disservice. Most were not even wearing armour and very few knew the right end of the gun. They had been easy pickings and told him how close he was to drawing out the ring leaders. Now if he could stay alive that long he'd be sure to give them a reason to wish they never messed with him. If he could kill just one of the merc leaders five days and blurry eyes would be worth it.

There was a lull in the onslaught, it gave him a few minutes to stretch out his limbs, grab a piece of ration before hunkering back down. The first few mercs were easy pickings, barely worth the shot to take them down. But then he missed a few as he noticed a well armed three person team vault over the barricade. Cursing he focused on the three person team disregarding the others that were running for him. Sighting the leader he took a sharp breath in. He looked again and felt his heart hammer a little faster . How could it be her? Kaidan had come by C-Sec and landed the news at his doorstep two year ago. He remembered the biotics haunted gaze and drawn face. The man had been a complete wreck, there was no way it was a lie. When the memorial happened even without a discovered body he remembered the sad faces, people clinging to each other as their grief overtook them. His own heart felt laden with grief. Shepard had been a binding force – without her he could see the tethers of friendship fraying away. Afterward Liara tried to keep in contact with everyone urging for get together's. But after the first botched gathering the insistence to meet became less and less.

Shaking his gaze knowing it wasn't her, it was just someone that looked like her. Lining up the shot he looked at her again noticing the same mannerisms, the hard line of a grimace on her lips. The symbol on her seemed different. Her companions both looked strange, a man with a scar around his eyes and another with the same symbol she wore on his chest. Had the mercs convinced her he was some blight to take care of? She'd never team with mercs unless there was someone far worse then them and a good reason. Then he saw her searching gaze, pulling the trigger he watched as she was hit with a concussive round. For a minute her gaze tried to follow where the shooter was. He waited a breath, waiting to see if it was really her. He watched as she started aiming her weapons at the mercs and trudging through the opening quickly. Either he was loosing his mind or that was her and she was back. **Or maybe you are dead imagining this moment as the neurons die out and you think you see her, you wish to see her.**

Groaning he fired at the mercs now focusing on those he could take down and hoping she would take out the others that he neglected to shoot at when he was focused on her. He could hear gun shots, when he looked for her again on the bridge she had jolted forward and was laying waste to the mercs. Cries were being raised, someone shouted she was working for Archangel and that brought a smile to his face. A bit of pressure that had been sitting on his shoulders lightened. Finally a light in the darkness. He could hear a group hacking the door and her yelling at someone to take care of it. Well she certainly had not lost any bite. ' **Just as you remember – fitting for a dead man**.'

If he was dead or dreaming her he would allow the fantasy to progress until it stopped. He wished he could hope neither were true, but seeing Spirits was one of the sure ways to know you were near your end. He hoped that there was some luck in the universe that had pulled off an act that brought her here. The logical side of reality though seemed more accurate. Getting up he stretched and moved a bit before plopping down on the edge of a couch. He could hear the door being hacked, the sound of merc chatter gone and some random grumbling at she tried to get the hack the first time and failed. The enemy was taking a moment to figure out what just happened.

Then in she came like a whirlwind and he took a moment to glance over her to take stock of the changes to her. The scar on her face from Mindoir gone, but now she had these spider thin scars that glowed under the light. Pulling off his helmet he saw the hard lines of her face shift from uncertain to elation. Flinging her arms wide the smile radiant on her lips. She took a step forward almost as if she planned to hug him and then just as quickly she took a step back like she was weighing her choices. She finally went with not hugging but he thought he caught that brief flicker that she wished she had. **Or she really was a Spirit and wouldn't touch him until it was time to take him away from this life.**

* * *

 

Finally, finally she might have some sanity in her land. Finally there was a hand hold in the deep chasm she found herself in. Finally there might be a light, there might be someone to keep her from being sucked in by Cerebus and drowning in their lies. She rejoiced at the reunion and had been tempted to rush forward and give him a hug. She had stopped herself remembering the rather cool reception she had received from the Alliance, from the Council and many more at her resurrection. She knew the the Cerebus colours and symbol made many pull back in trepidation or fear wondering if she was the real deal or a fabrication. It would injure her deeply to see that look of fear or mistrust on his face, but he seemed relieved and she took it as a good sign but wouldn't push a hug or handshake until they got him out of there safely.

Safely that had been goal. Then her elation and her hope diminished the minute Garrus took a rocket to his face. Everything had been going so well – maybe she should have expected disappointment, should not have been so happy to have someone she knew on her team. Someone she knew that would have her six and keep her on the right path, remind her that all the rainbows Cerebus promised came with a price. Now all the regret racked at her. I should have hugged him, I should have told him how happy I was to see him, to know he wasn't dead or somewhere unreachable.

Her mind reeled as she paced, her hands still had blue on them from his wounds. She could remember the choking sound he made, the gurgle. There was so much blood. All her hopes at having a friend dashed or possibly dashed. She couldn't focus on anything else. Miranda pushed her to get Mordin, but there was no way she was leaving the ship without knowing how Garrus faired. A second doctor and scientist might be a boon but she'd never forgive herself if he died while she was away and she would always question if the death was brought on by Cerebus hands. After she had paced for hours outside the med bay she spent her time stalking her room thinking she would get work done. When that didn't happen she picked up the data pads and went to pace in the briefing room.

This time Jacob came by to give her an update, Garrus' prognosis dire. She would need to talk to Chakwas to confirm, not that she didn't trust Jacob. No he proved himself enough to leave her back to him when they headed for Archangel – Garrus, but she'd rather hear from the doctor herself. Sighing she shook her head at the news, her heart sinking lower. When the door opened she expected Miranda back to bother her about their progress, instead in walked Garrus, a large bandage over the right side of most of his face. Her bit of sunshine returned and she felt elated once again. Jacob left them quickly and her desire to leap on Garrus and hug him was strong but something kept her back. Maybe still wary that he might lash at her for being with Cerebus. They traded barbs before he drew away and headed for the main gun to calibrate it. Sighing she felt the weight on her chest lift, maybe something would go right for once.

She felt relieved Garrus hadn't been too alarmed in working for Cerebus. It was also nice that she wasn't being looked at like she carried some disease. Then again she never knew what type of fiddling Cerebus had done to her. Garrus let his shock and concern be voiced, but she let him know the stakes and that neither the Alliance or the Council was moving a finger. His questions died out when she let him know the facts and he accepted that working with Cerebus might be lesser of all evils. Although, it did not seem like such a huge surprise that the Council was being unsupportive. The Council was exactly how they were two years ago, well at least not much had changed in that regard since she had been out of commission. She knew how both the Alliance and the Council operated, their non-committal attitude not a surprise. She should have known this from Mindoir.

The Alliance lamented the destruction and loss but she knew the colony was just like any other colony out in the Terminus. The Alliance promised they would be there and support their colonies, but when shit hit the fan the nearest ship was hours away sometimes even days away. Colonies were not priorities unless they had something of value on them and even then they could be left in the lurch. It was funny how one thing could out trump another in the Alliance's eyes. But usually those important colonies had a small band of soldiers stationed on the planet full time. Any other colony was lucky to have a police force they didn't have to head themselves. The Alliance promised the colony dream far from the strict rule of the core worlds. But the farther you got from the Core Worlds, the chances grew that your quaint little colony life could be set upon by pirates, slavers and whatever other unsavory that swung by. But those looking for a place to call their own took the probabilities in stride. A chance was better then nothing.

She wasn't sure what drove her family to settle on Mindoir other then it being an honest and good life. She knew her own feelings on growing up there and once she left on the rescue shuttle she never returned. There had been rumblings of rebuilding but she knew life there would never be the same. Maybe it was true even of her own life. She had died, but maybe trying to rebuild her life to what it had been was foolish. Her life had never been quite what she thought it was when she joined the Alliance. She had become ruthless in their eyes for the way she handled Torfan. Others that came from career minded families said she was nothing but a Colony brat. Now after Saren some called her the hero of the Citadel or on the flip side she was known as the one who turned her back on her own kind. Like she didn't know what she had done when she made the choice, but everyone thought they could do better – make a smart choice to save both the Council and the fleets. She knew that sacrifices sometimes needed to be made, she only hoped this time she wouldn't need to choose between the one she wanted to go to bed with and the one she never knew.

No maybe instead of falling into the old comfortable mold she should break free, try something new rather then hang herself up on her own comfort level. She couldn't change perceptions of her now but maybe she had a chance to see things in a different light. And if all else failed she would be sure to steal enough info on Cerebus to make the Alliance green with envy and give them a reason to re-instate her. **Yea right Shepard** , she knew one day the Illusive Man would ask her to do something right against her code. When that day came she knew she'd tell him where to go and how to get there. And then there would be no unlimited resources and likely someone on her crew would be called in to dispose of her. So grim and yet so true.

Sighing she knew Miranda would be on her quickly since Garrus was out of the woods to get Mordin and start on the counter measure. Picking up the data pads she decided first to check on Doctor Chakwas and her prognosis of her latest patient. Garrus said he was good to get back into the thick of it, but he had spent a lot time alone fighting for his life. Sometimes you didn't come back from that type of ordeal right away. So, as much as she wanted him on a mission it might not be good to bring him along so soon. But she knew he'd be more than helpful on the main gun and maybe she could get his thoughts on some of the recruits the Illusive Man was throwing her way. Someone easily turn-able or with a sympathetic leaning that might be easy to turn to her side when she finally did tell the Illusive Man where to go. Surely Garrus could handle the task at the very least. Plus there were other things she could do in between any missions like looking for resources and investigating problems no one else was. But first to the Doctor and then Mordin, she would worry about the other things later.


	10. Glimpse of Shepard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garrus catches Shepard in something feminine and re-awakens his crush.
> 
> Shepard finds she might be gaining some ground - or is she?

Stepping out of the main battery, he stood looking down the long hallway and could see only a few crew members up at this time of night in the main mess. Most folks did not have his odd sleep schedule. But he had been running on such a short sleep schedule during his time on Omega that he couldn't find a way to dislodge himself from the act. The nightmares, the memories of Omega chased him in his sleep causing him to shoot up and be suddenly awake. So far no one noticed he had the nightmares. Shepard had probed a little once he was feeling a bit better about the events of Omega, but he had given her the shorthand version figuring she didn't need to know all the details. No, but knowing her she would ask. One day soon she wouldn't take him brushing her off or his short responses. One day she might ask EDI how much sleep he got or if there was anything wrong with him. Then he'd be off her ship as quickly as he gotten on her. 

 

There were things he was still processing. He was still trying to determine if he was actually alive. Every chance Shepard had to touch him, to reaffirm that he was real as she was the tether of reality he was clinging to had gone untouched. His mind still could not wrap around the possibility that he was alive, that he wasn't shot up somewhere lying in a heap on Omega. His head or helmet maybe as someone's hood ornament. But the nagging that tugged on him, that told him he was only dreaming was a small voice. He figured if he was dreaming the dying dream of a wrecked turian that it was a good dream because she was back. She returned from wherever she was and she was alive. In this dream she saved him and maybe gave him a bigger reason to care. He wasn't a human lover, but he saw the dire issue at hand and had nothing more to really go back to. 

 

Sure he could try crawling back home or maybe to C-Sec, but those were just hollow things he could do. He knew eventually the rules, the constraints would get too hard to handle and he'd be right back to doing what he had done on a Omega. Maybe he would just find some place slimier, although, he wasn't sure there was an actual place. Maybe Illium. Nice asari world that pretended to be the Citadel but with all it's secret gangs and places where an unsuspecting traveler could end up lost and never found again. Ilium would at least be a nicer place then Omega. Some real air to breathe in and nice views to look at.

 

No, it was no use. Going back to his regular, anything would likely kill him. He'd throw himself at the wrong thing and end up back where he was. _That is if you are not dead._ He smirked a little at the thought and moved out of the battery and toward the kitchen. Shepard had been good enough to stock enough supplies for him not those sad set of rations on Omega. He was about at the steps leading down when he noticed the master thief Kasumi sneak around from one of the hallways heading to the elevator and then back a bit. Likely back up to ogle Jacob during his morning routine if he was up at this time. Then he saw her wave to someone and paused curious to see what the little minx was up to. When she wasn't looking he moved to the opposite side and peaked his head around to see what the thief was waving about.

 

Slowly and on shaky legs he watched Shepard walk out and begin the slow walk to the thief. No one in the mess could see what was going on unless they came that way and no one was paying him or Kasumi any mind. He noticed how her knees wobbled and her ankles bowed as she walked. Kasumi glanced out and took a look around before pushing Shepard to cross the expanse back to her room. He could see the way Shepard walked, she was uncomfortable in the heeled shoes no matter how good it made her calves and her behind look good. Her shoulders were very rigid and her arms did not sway naturally with her hands clenched in fists. He could see Kasumi look again sighing before she tried to imitate how Shepard should walk. After a few more passes she urged her to try again the gestures just enough for him to understand that the thief was trying to get the Commander ready for the heist job.

 

Since his return back to Shepard's life and ship he had so far been benched. It seemed she conversed with Chakwas before and the doctor thought more rest and relaxation would help him regain his strength from the Omega ordeal. She had wanted to take him to get Mordin, but with some type of flu that could harm him she kept him out but on comms the whole time so even if he wasn't there in person he could at least be there in spirit. _Spirit, there you go again Garrus. Are you trying to tempt fate?_ Maybe so, eventually he would have to break the spell and find out if all this was real or not.

 

Glancing back to Shepard, he realized he had never seen her look so uncomfortable. No matter how Kasumi encouraged her, Shepard walked stiffly like she didn't belong in the dress and heels. Testing his memory he wondered if he had ever seen the Commander dressed up or even out of anything Alliance regulated. The answer was no. She had and still was all hard lines or crisp lines of a uniform. Other then her voice and some outward appearance differences the Commander was never girly or feminine. But surely she must have dressed up before, worn a dress and heels before. Wasn't that some type of human custom to make ones self up?

 

On the Presidium he saw all sorts of people dressed up. Women in extravagant dresses or revealing dresses or any type of fashion that set themselves apart from others. But Shepard preferred to be just as she was – no extras added. Her simplistic fashion actually made her stand out more in his eyes as she refused to fit in to one standard. But now seeing her in the dress, noticing the way the light bounced off the fabric, noticed how the leather dress cinched in at the waist only to bow out at the hips. The sight alone made his mouth go a bit dry. The fabric stretched and fit her form drawing the eyes to her more human assets. How had he never noticed how thin her waist was? Or the soft curves of her hips, the mounds at her front. The dress showed off her long, lean neck – a neck fanned by her downed fringe. Some part of him warned him to stop staring and go back but he was far too intrigued now.

 

He had never seen her fringe down. She had always kept it tightly held back away from her face. But now it was down and flowed to about her shoulder. Not super long, but he caught the shimmer of her fine locks. He had always assumed her hair was one colour dark brown, but when the light hit it he could see other colours. When she shifted her head he caught the red, the lighter brown, the black and the smallest bit of blonde all intermingling with the dark brown. It was fascinating to see such beauty unleashed and allowed free. He wasn't sure what Kasumi had done to sell Shepard on this, but he knew she would go to great lengths to help someone out – even going out of her own comfort zone to do something. It was nice to see this different part of her but he could see the ensemble was missing something.

 

Pulling away from the view he moved back to the main battery, once inside he headed to the small crate with his few belongings. Shepard had been smart enough to notice the crate was his and brought it on board the Normandy without even taking a look inside or he guessed no one was allowed to look without her wrath. When he had stepped away from Omega there were only a few items he still had possession of, one he had always questioned why he clung to it until now. Removing some of his clothes and under clothes he found the bundle still gently bundled in a nice bit of silk cloth. His mind flashing back to the shimmering fringe of her hair and wondering if it felt the same. He'd likely never find out how her fringe would feel in between his fingers, but if he had to imagine it would be like this fabric.

 

Pulling open the package gingerly he looked down to see the necklace and earrings in their small box. He had purchased the items nearly two years ago as a belated birthday present for Shepard. He remembered buying it for her after her last visit to the Citadel before her death. She had come by C-Sec to see what was up and if he was doing anything that he couldn't blow off. He had brushed her off asking her to check back later, but she never came back. She just left and went about her business. It was only hours after she left that he found out it was her birthday that day. When he learned that he cursed himself for not being more forward thinking and checking what day it was or at least saving the date somewhere. He had thought to message her that day asking her why she didn't just tell him it was her birthday. But he had never worked up the nerve to ever ask.

 

The woman that had changed his life and gave him a real purpose in his life and he had just blown her off instead of submitting to her whims. He promised to get her something nice, but well he wasn't sure what the Commander liked. He thought of getting her a sniper rifle but the gift might come across as extravagant or too intimate. Besides he had enough curious gazes and perked eyebrows or flicking mandibles when the topic of the Commander came up. So he pondered what would be right to get the Commander, then he saw something that caught his eye. The colour is what had drawn him to the necklace and earrings in the first place. Silver was a main colour in Palaven and he had seen it before on the Presidium but the style was simple and yet elegant at the same time. He thought the silver would look nice on her, match her colouring more than the gold. _Yea, had nothing to do with the crush you had on her?_

 

He knew his crush had driven him to get her something nice, something un-Shepard. She'd likely laugh at him for getting her something girly, but he was willing to suffer through the teasing just to hear her laugh or get a chance to see her wear the necklace. He tucked the gift away for her in hopes they would see each other again. But the next time he saw her was when her name was placed on a memorial wall and the framed photo of her face staring at them. The memory of how he had blown her off strong in his mind, that had been their last personal moment together. The present laid in his belongings never given and now the opportunity seemed perfect as he wasn't sure if he'd ever get a chance to do so.

 

Folding the gift back up he tucked it in his arm and strode out of the main battery with confidence. Kasumi was done with her guarding or maybe they went back to her room to practice some more. Slipping into the elevator he traveled it up to her floor. Of course once at her floor he had no idea of how to forge forward. He was half tempted to buzz her door but then he would have to admit to catching the display downstairs and busted for spying. Better to leave the gift anonymous and save being tormented by Shepard and her teasing. Placing the package at the door where she would see it if her face wasn't buried in a data pad he turned away and made a retreat back to the elevator. 

 

Internally he knew he needed to stop pining for her. He knew where she stood on the SR-1, his crush on her died down after he moved back to being a part of C-Sec. It seemed so silly too at the time. He had never been big into humans, all soft contours and no big facial markings to distinguish them. But Shepard had been one of a kind and maybe it really wasn't a crush but more a deep respect that seemed like more because of how easily everyone seemed to be in love with her. At least those on her crew. He knew she would never look at him the way she had when she looked at Kaidan. The human biotic wasn't here on her crew but he knew from the questions she asked that Kaidan was not far from her thoughts. Slipping out of the elevator, he swung around to the mess to grab something to eat before diving back into his algorithms. 

 

 

* * *

 

Kasumi had said spending a few hours in the heels would help her get more comfortable for the heist. Why the thief insisted on the damn heels and dress she had no clue. Likely just to watch her struggle in the damn things. Sighing she looked down at the data pad as she walked around her cabin. How could anyone find walking in these things comfortable? Give her, her boots, running shoes heck even bare feet any day. Heels seemed to be a poor choice to be caught needing to run in and they pinched and rubbed where movement might be key. But she needed to pull off the outfit for the heist and promised not to let Kasumi down, especially when it was a bit more personal as to why the heist was happening.

 

Even though she found the outfit uncomfortable and completely impractical, she did have to admit she liked the style of the dress. She had never been a huge fan of dresses, if they were too short she almost always forgot how to sit properly and if it was too long she ended up tripping all over herself. This one though, she liked. She wasn't sure if it was the cut, how it hugged her form, the fabric or the colour that drew her to like it. But even she found her eyes drawn to all of her assets and yet it wasn't so flashy that it made her uncomfortable. In fact it made her feel strong, alluring, dangerous, mysterious and oddly feminine. And she certainly never classified herself ever as being feminine. 

 

The high collar drew the eye to her neck, how long and lean it seemed to be. She imagined fingers at her neck, running down the length brushing strands of hair from the exploration. It may be only a couple of weeks since she woke up, but her body obviously felt the time difference more. Well at least she knew her libido was still working. She had wondered mildly if Cerebus had somehow rewired her brain on the attraction level. Maybe in some way to halt her from being distracted during the mission. She wasn't sure they wouldn't go far for their own reasoning’s to do something. Or maybe her head was still shuffling through being back alive and thrown into the gauntlet that she hadn't even had time to process the other stuff. 

 

She didn't have time to really ponder why she wasn't attracted to people. For her it was always a thing she banked on happening at least once, but so far there was nothing, just nothing. No twinge, no thought, no pull in her core. Neither Jacob or Miranda made her think once about wanting to kiss them. She wondered if it was who they worked for. Maybe it was the Cerebus logo worn with such pride that any attraction she could have felt was uprooted by the sheer revulsion she felt. It wasn't like Jacob or Miranda were not good looking, Kasumi had it right about Jacob's abs. But usually when she ogled someone her mind would go to places like how it would feel to touch or kiss. But none of those thoughts came, none of the desires popped out burning into her.

 

She felt nothing – even when she thought of Kaidan, the desires, his very image and what it used to do to her were vacant. Maybe it was just her way of coping with the truth that two years had passed for him and not her. Two years was a long enough time to get over her death and move on. She still hadn't found the words in which to send him, plus it felt so impersonal. What could she day that wouldn't come off as rude or presumptuous? No maybe it was better to let him carry on with his life and she would carry on in the Lion's Den.

 

Pivoting in her walk she got close to her door and it swished open. She was half a turn away when she noticed it hadn't closed and the door was making that silly beeping noise. Turning around her eyes looked to see what was the culprit and found a bundled item in her door frame. Leaning over she picked up the light package. Turning back into her room she dropped the data pad on her desk before taking a seat with the package in hand. Maybe Kasumi was dropping off some lacy under garments or something to put in her hair. If she got out of the heist still wearing an unripped dress and perfect hair she'd be amazed.

 

Smoothing her hands over the silky material that provided the wrapping of the package. She guessed Kasumi had found something else to add to the ensemble. Slowly, unraveling the rectangular package her eyes were suddenly upon a necklace and earring set as the silk covering slipped from her lap. Unhooking the top plastic holder, her hands reached in to touch the silver necklace and earrings. It was beautiful and just her style. For a moment she wondered if this was a gift from Keiji to Kasumi, she'd hate to wear something that might upset her. But maybe it was nothing like that at all and just something lifted from a Citadel shop. Either way it was just the thing to pull the outfit together.

 

Slipping the gift on she stood up and took stock of herself in the mirror. The scars on her face were healing slowly – Chakwas had said to try to think more positively, think on lighter things and happy outcomes. Ha, the doctor really didn't know her well. But nothing wrong with giving it a try. Anger only got head's turning maybe niceness would get her people willing to do far more. Touching the necklace she smiled a bit, the cold slipping from her thoughts for a minute as she continued to stare at her reflection. Maybe you are not so bad Shepard, but a tiny worm in her mind said otherwise and drove the cold back into her.


	11. Descent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard has been going down a dark path for a while and Garrus is just starting to notice. What happens when one broken person has to help another?
> 
> Post-Horizon

He could hear her anger and frustrations in the sounds of her wrapped hands against the punching bag. She sang a song of pain and hurt, but the sounds also told him of her exhaustion that the energy she held was starting to wane. He wondered how long she'd keep punching the bag, so far five hours had elapsed since she started. She might just drive herself to another five. There was the temptation to just let her do what she wanted – he knew he should just let her work it out and then hopefully be done. But no Miranda had dashed those hopes aside for him. He hadn't expected the woman to ever ask for help and technically she didn't.

 

Instead Miranda asked some vague question about whether he noticed anything odd about Shepard. The question really should have been what wasn't odd about Shepard and he deflected Miranda's attempt to draw him in. Miranda just walked away, but the question needled him. He had set himself to not interfere with whatever process Shepard was going through after the blow back from Horizon. She avoided the crew and he avoided trying to see if she was alright. He knew the answer to the question or thought he had. Damn her for opening a question that made him ask the very same question.

 

After two days of watching her he knew there was something odd. The Commander wasn't eating enough, not for how she threw herself into battle or the fact that she was a biotic now. He remembered both Kaidan and Liara packing away a lot of food after missions. But Shepard – she had a small nibble of something and was done. At first he thought it could be Gardener and the teasings of bad food. But Shepard kept the kitchen well stocked, even found some meals for him and Tali that weren't half bad and kept. No it wasn't that. He checked the video feeds and noted it had been going on for a while. How had he never noticed before? Couple that with her slowly eroding sleep schedule and she was one bad choice from ending up dead on a mission. Her sunken cheeks, dark rimmed eyes – she looked half dead. The Horizon incident only seemed to make it worse.

 

Cursing Kaidan he pulled himself from his data gathering. Shepard had lost the will to fight, to live and Kaidan had just hammered home everything everyone was saying about her. Heck the encounter was long behind them and even he felt the sting of the biotics words. Kaidan had called her a traitor, he didn't let her explain and turned his back from her. Miranda had come to him because he was Shepard's friend and she knew he would find a way to bring her back from that edge. But first things first was getting her away from the punching bag, getting her rested and eating. Maybe the hands off approach wasn't best, Miranda brought him to purpose by a simple question. Too bad the same couldn't be done with Shepard.

 

“Garrus something you need?” Her gloved hands smacked against the punching bag. Her skin was drawn over tight around her muscles and the smell of her sweat was all wrong.

 

“More what you need Shepard.” That got her attention and halted her mid punch. Backing away from the punching bag she looked over to him.

 

“Out of all the people that have come down here to talk to me Garrus I thought you would have kept away.” The sweat glistened on her forehead and clung to the stray hairs near her temples.

 

Snorting a bit he nodded his head. “Almost did, until I noticed you were pretty much trying to kill yourself.” He moved slowly watching her reaction.

 

Now it was her turn to snort. “What? Most of the missions have been a success. We all have come back.”

 

“Barely Shepard. But it's not just the missions it is the after missions.”

 

“Oh what? She's even got you on duty?! What the thousand cameras, audio devices are not enough she has to get my friends in on it too?!”

 

She was lashing out he knew he couldn't take her barbs to heart.  

 

“So you don't deny it.” He was now in front of the punching bag facing her.

 

“Why does it even matter what I do? Maybe this is how all humans deal with the stress of the galaxy resting on their shoulders while everyone around them spies on them or calls them a traitor and expects them to make everything bright as rainbows. Besides how do you know what the fuck killing yourself looks like?” Her anger surged making her biotics flash and surge. The energy crackled a bit over her but it was a dull roar to what it could have been.

 

Letting the air settle he could see the hunch in her shoulders like she was ready to take a swing . “I know what killing oneself looks like. I saw it on Kaidan's face when you died, I saw it on my own when I left C-Sec and went to Omega.”

 

The anger slid out of her a bit and if she pushed for more information he might end up telling her everything if only to get her to open up and relent.

 

“So why spy? For her of all people?”

 

“Because it wasn't spying. It was data gathering and she was the only one that saw what you were doing. I'm your best friend and I didn't even notice until she said something.” He keened a bit hoping she would understand.

 

“So now you have figured it out. Bravo, out of my way.”

 

He stood resolute. “No. Why didn't you try to talk to me? I was your best friend and you couldn't talk to me?”

 

“I tried, you kept telling me you were too busy. I gave up.”

 

He sighed realizing she was right, she tried to come by several times and he had brushed her off.

 

“So why are you here Garrus? Are you here to hold me down and force feed me and get bossed around now?”

 

He sighed wishing he knew what to say to bring her around.

 

“No, but if I have to I'll tell Doctor Chakwas.”

 

“Move.”

 

“No. Hit me if you need to Shepard. Pretend I'm him if it will make you feel better.”

 

She seemed conflicted half tempted, half disgusted by the thought. “Just move Garrus.”

 

“No. Hit me or go find somewhere else to sulk and brood.”

 

Her laugh was cold, high and dry. “This coming from the guy too busy bent over a board to want to talk, who eats and sleeps alone and doesn't want to talk about what happened on Omega.”

 

She was right they were both broken. How did Miranda see this as a good idea? Neither of them were willing to talk about their issues, just hiding it away and trying to kill themselves or forget.

 

“Well I'm barring you from sulking here.”

 

Again she laughed. “Just leave me alone go back to not noticing.”

 

He shook his head. “I can't. We need you Shepard I – I wasn't there the first time you left us. I wasn't there to have your back and pull you out. You died and I wasn't there to make sure you got back safely. This time – I will be damned if I let you go out on my watch by your own damned hands.” It wasn't really what he wanted to say but if he said the truth would it be too much? She was on the brink and pushing something else on her might just break her it two.

 

“Garrus.” She could see the truth in his eyes. That her death may have left a hole for many and her rebirth gave those around her hope that maybe all wasn't so dire in the galaxy. But she needed something to end the pain in her chest, that sunk into her skin and made her want to dig her heart out.

 

“Just pretend I am him. Lay it on me.”

 

Her eyes turned a bit glassy. “I can't. If I make you him I have got nothing left. Your my friend Garrus, if I make you him – I hate him so much right now.” Her lips quivered. “Please Garrus just let me - “

 

Tears started spilling from her eyes, punching the bag and trying to find a way to end it were the only things that kept her moving forward. She had bottled everything, her hate and anger, her sadness and guilt, her love and her disappointment.  After Horizon she pushed herself harder if only to get it over with. Miranda could save the galaxy, she sure as hell didn't want the responsibility. Because sooner or later she would have to choose and she chose herself. Pain lanced up through her and she started to scream and cry.

 

He stood back for a moment afraid he had broken her. The sounds that came from her sliced right through him and to his heart. He didn't know she held such pain, such heartache. Slowly he moved forward being calm and patient driving his sub-harmonics to sooth. Wrapping his arms around her, her held her as she cried and keened. Her skin felt so cold and she shook in his arms.

 

“What have they done to me Garrus? I don't cry – I never cry. What have they done to my brain? Am I even here?”

 

He pulled her closer to him stroking her back absently, hoping some of his warmth might transfer to her. “You are here Shepard.” He felt assured by this, had to be assured by this. The fleeting thought he wasn't here was chased away by the fact she was touching him and he was touching her. He always thought she was the angel come to take him away, that he was only dreaming this. But there was no way he could dream of Shepard in pain, there was no way he could believe she was so broken she was looking to die in battle. “You are still you Shepard. Trust me on this. This is no dream or a nightmare.”

 

In dashing away her doubts he was dealing with his as well. Maybe it was time to come back to the land of the living. How long had both of them lived in the land of shadows waiting for the final hammer to determine their fates? He knew he had, he had pushed her away if only to keep his distance from a truth that was right there. This was reality and Cerebus was going to win if they broke her and made her believe she was a tool they could control. No he knew that faith had to be built, but everyone so far from her past had turned their back on her. Maybe it was time to show her that there were still people that believed in her. He hadn't shown her that, he had been muddling through. Time to smarten up Vakarian, time to get your head in the game.

 

 

* * *

 

“I've got you Shepard.”

 

Simple words and yet they were the calming assurance she had needed. They were the words of a friend calling her back from the brink of her desolation. Not words of a lover or a mentor that only forced reality and its harsh point. She had let Cerebus get to her that much was true. She let the twisted thoughts of not being herself, being tainted and changed get to her. The thoughts burrowed so deep in her skin she could feel it crawling each day. She let herself be consumed by the words of others, she let them decide what she was instead of telling them all to fuck off. Doubt seeped in and everything she thought she knew about herself was questioned. She started to hate herself and in hating punish her existence. Once she started down the slope it was hard to pull herself back up.

 

She still wasn't sure she could do it, but she would be damned if she let Cerebus win. That was where her fight came back in. When her worth came through. Fuck Kaidan calling her a traitor, fuck the Alliance for not standing by her side, fuck Cerebus. She was on her own now. She had been on her own her whole life, she had embraced the Alliance as her family because she had nothing left to embrace. She clung to people, friends like they were life lines, that in being their friend she was made better by it. She had always been alone, she just pretended she wasn't. She deluded herself and when all abandoned her she was left floundering. But she wasn't alone. She had Tali and Garrus, two people more then willing to keep her from Cerebus' clutches. She had herself and her duty to show that she couldn't be beaten.

 

She had gone back on what she said. She knew her life couldn't be rebuilt from what it was and yet she still tried. She set herself up for her own disappointment. Part of her blamed herself, she should have been stronger. She was stronger damn it and still she had been sucked in, she had lost her way. So what did she promise this time? Nothing. Only that she needed to live. She needed to be alive because there was someone just as broken as she was that needed her. He didn't say it but she knew it as fact. He was doing better at trudging through but one of these days he'd really break and she might not be able to save him. Her one true friend in the whole universe, she knew she couldn't lose him. And when it came down to leaving Cerebus maybe she would strike out on her own and do things neither the Council or the Alliance bothered to do. But first she needed to get herself back up.

 

She had to stop listening to the doubting voices and believe again. So what if people called her a traitor, so what if they called her some Cerebus lackey? She knew who she was and why she was doing this. She shifted herself from the hazy land of dreaming and waking that she had been in. How long she had been there she wasn't certain. All she remembered was the dreamless void she fell into and the weight of her eyes during her semi-lucid waking moments.

 

She only vaguely remembered hearing voices and once a bright light flashing against her eyelids. Other moments were a blur of drinking water, eating small bites of food and using the bathroom. Her last waking moment Garrus had brought her juice and helped her eat some eggs and buttered toast. When she peeked her eyes open her usual companion was gone, she remembered him sleeping on the couch when she floated in and out of sleep. He was likely gone to get more food for her or check on the installation of the new gun.

 

Her eyes still felt heavy, but she pushed herself up. She could feel the need for a shower rising the more she moved. Going to the drawers she pulled out some new fresh clothes and a towel. She wasn't sure how long she had been left in her sweaty clothes, but however long was long enough. Trudging up the stairs she headed straight for the bathroom. All of her muscles ached and protested moving, she could hear cracks and creaks as everything remembered how to be upright.

 

When she stepped out of the bathroom everything seemed a bit clearer. Her head throbbed a bit and her muscles still ached – but there was a clarity of mission and purpose she hadn't had before. Everything was in focus, which is how she could tell someone was in her room. It wasn't just the smell of food that gave it away but the she usually had that sense she wasn't completely alone. Raising up from the couches Garrus came to the bottom of the steps.

 

“Hey Shepard, you're awake. I – uh brought you some breakfast if you are feeling up to it.”

 

Smiling a little she nodded her head.

 

“Thanks Garrus. I'm starved actually.” And for the first time she acknowledged her hunger and it didn't make her ill at the thought.

 

He seemed poised to say something and just nodded. “Well I'll leave you to it.”

 

He was near her in two easy steps and if she didn't act now she might not. Reaching out she snagged his arm before he retreated too far from her reach.

 

“Can't you join me? I think there are somethings we need to talk about.”

 

They were stilled for a moment, breath trepidly inhaled, his mandibles moving as he tried to come up with a response.

 

“I should really get back to the gun, it won't calibrate itself.”

 

Hours, days ago he had been like a mother hen urging her to eat, drink and sleep. Maybe her non-lucid self was easier to deal with then how she was now. Tightening her grip she refused to let him run away and not let her deal with this.

 

“Please Garrus. A few minutes.”

 

He was torn between running and likely still concerned she might fall back into old practices. Finally he nodded knowing she would not relent. Seeing his acceptance she let go of his arm and slowly made it down to the couch area and plate of hot, fresh cooked food covered and waiting for her. Sitting down she slid over a bit and patted the seat next to her but instead he chose the furthest point from her. She had a feeling she might have done something to make him uncomfortable near her. Removing the covering from her food she looked down at the spread and picked up the warm bun and split it and buttered it. She'd have to ask where they got the non-reconstituted stuff.

 

“I feel like I should apologize.”

 

“Shepard -”

 

“Garrus, - “ She said halting him from interrupting. Her own voice sounding rough in her own ears. How long had she screamed and thrashed against him? Eventually the memory would com back of all she said and done. She was sure the current apology would do no justice to all she should apologize for.

 

“I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I said something mean or cruel or hurtful. I'm sorry I let things get that bad. You shouldn't have had to babysit me.”

 

“Shepard -” He tried again to interrupt and she halted him again.

 

“No I have to own my issues and my faults. I just wanted you to know that even in whatever state I was in that it is not excuse for what I did or said. And honestly I hope you forgive me, but I understand that I might have laid more on you then I should.” She paused letting the weight of all she said sink in. For a while there was silence and the soft sound of the fish tank in her room.

 

“Does this mean you are done trying to kill yourself?” The question sounded harsh coming from him and she flinched a bit from his gaze.

 

“Yes.”

 

He harrumphed a little and she wondered if he believed her. She'd find out as the days progressed.

 

“Your food is going to get cold.” He lifted from his seat but she lifted a hand to stop him.

 

“Are we okay Garrus?”

 

He stopped to gauge his answer before fully standing up. “Yea – we're okay Shepard.”

 

She nodded slowly.

 

“Good then one day we're going to talk about Omega and what happened.”

 

He stared at her for a moment almost at the point of a rebuttal and then just shook his head.

 

“One day.”

 

“Before we take on the Collector's.”

 

He grumbled a bit but she must have set him with a look that made his argument with her float away or he wasn't ready to argue yet when things might still be very rocky.

 

“Fine. I'll leave you to it.”

 

He was halfway up the stairs when she turned and lifted off the couch.

 

“Oh Garrus – thank you – for everything.”

 

She wasn't sure she got the sincerity out right but she knew she owed him big. He had done a lot for her and she wasn't sure how she could ever repay him. Maybe she'd get him a new set of armour or that new Cision scope. It wouldn't pay for everything but it would be a start. Pushing the roll into her mouth she watched him walk out of her peripheral vision. She heard the door swish open but there was pause in it closing right after him.

 

“Thought I should let you know me and Tali disabled all the cameras, bug and other things in your room. We also disabled them in the main battery and where Tali sleeps. So now you have a few safe areas to be. Have a good night Shepard.”

 

She barely got a chance to open her mouth and then the door swished closed. Had he been in arms length she might have hugged him or tried at the very least. Digging into her food she felt the weight of being watched wash off of her. Cerebus might try to re-bug her room, but she had a feeling Garrus and Tali would be watching out for her. She'd have to make sure she got something nice for Tali. Maybe a new omni-tool or get her some tech to take back to the flotilla or give her some access to Cerebus documents to combat any future attacks. But she need to build up her strength and get back out there. Certainly the crew would have noticed her absence. She wondered if Garrus and Tali had disabled the AI in her room, well only one way to check.

 

“EDI?”

 

“Yes, Commander?”

 

“How long have I been in my cabin?”

 

“Three days, four hours and 25 minutes.”

 

“Thank you EDI.”

 

“Logging you out Shepard.”

 

Three days. She had a lot of lost time to cover – she could see the flashing light of her personal terminal and groaned at the amount of mail, data and other things she'd need to take care of. Devouring the last bit of food she put the tray and other items aside and decided to work on tidying her room. If she could avoid her terminal for ten minutes longer she certainly would do just about anything. She hated to see the disapproving words Miranda had to say about her break down or how they were behind. They still needed to find a way to the Collector's and collect the rest of the team. There was a lot that needed to be done and she just wasted three days. But the thing that had been eating at her was gone or at least silent for now. If it came back she knew how to deal with it. Well into the breach once again.

 


	12. Back to Something

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The memories of when Shepard was a little less herself haunt both Garrus and Shepard. Will they ever get back to normal?

He could hear her voice soft, husky, slurred a bit from sleep.

 

“It would have been you.”

 

“What?”

 

Her soft, fleshy body pressed roughly against his armour.

 

“If you had come to my room the night before Ilos – it would have been you I took to my bed.”

 

Her parted lips flush against his face made his heart race. The admission, the scent of her need among everything else ripped through him. He was glad his embarrassment and arousal were not something easily read on his face. He was glad he didn't flush like the asari or the humans, not that she might have noticed but still he was glad for no outward marker. 

 

He kept himself neutral as much as he could with the way she pressed and puckered those lips of hers. Had she been fully aware and her eyes not still glassed he wasn't sure he would have had the right mind set to turn her away. It was hard enough as it was now, but taking advantage was not something he ever did – no matter how hot or how much of a crush he had. It was easy for him to brush her away, peeling her off of him and putting her back into bed. She fidgeted in his arms and refused to let him go. 

 

He wondered idly if she was really conscious during those moments or not. Somehow he doubted she was really that forward, then again the way she flirted. No he pushed the thoughts from his mind, but every so often a memory would intrude from those days that would threaten his concentration on the algorithms he ran. Damn her and her flexibility, the way her hips pivoted, rolled, squirmed. He could only imagine this was how she was drunk, he had never seen her inebriated to really know. But inhibitions down and Commander Shepard would likely lose whatever verbal filter she still had and acted on whatever impulse she might have. He felt certain she'd never really proposition him. Plus with the Kaidan issue – well it just seemed wrong all around to think about her in any way.

 

There was never a right time to talk to her about how she was those nights and days and he felt a bit embarrassed bringing up something she did that she may not remember. He had been half tempted just to go for it and say something but he never found the right words or the courage. But the more he tried to forget – the more the images intruded and left him in a dangerous place. Damn her. He knew he needed to get over her. The crush he had would just set him back again if she ended up dying or on the wrong end of something. It was no use being hung up on her. So instead he put his mind to another task that chased the memories away, that was finding Sidonis. 

 

* * *

 

 

The memories came like uninvited guests to a party – they were intrusive, embarrassing and spurned a lot of regret. The particular one running through her mind made her groan lightly. She could see her semi-lucid self pushing up against Garrus.

 

“Come on, just a little touch – they are very real.”

 

Her hands patted her breasts while she stood very close to him. She could only imagine how she looked trying to proposition the turian. Taking a bite of food she groaned again and swore she was likely blushing from embarrassment. God Shepard could you be anymore of a hot mess? If there was sand she would bury her head in it and wait until the uncomfortable feeling blew over. No scopes or armour would apologize for that or everything else she did. Of course trying to avoid Garrus might just set him to hovering and checking up on her, thinking she slid back on her promise. 

 

The only problem was that she had no idea what to say to him without it coming out like a string of apologies or a blubbing of words as she tripped over her own embarrassment. But her options were to go talk to him or talk to Miranda. A while back Kelly had informed her that Miranda wished to speak, but she had been mostly ignoring the woman. Now after everything that happened she really wished to avoid her, but she would have to speak with her eventually. Might as well get the reaming from Miranda over, it was at least less uncomfortable than stopping by the main battery to check in.

 

 

Minutes later she stepped out of Miranda's room a little more dazed and perplexed. Rounding the corner she nearly ran into Garrus on her way to pick up something to snack on. Ever since she was back to the land of the living she was beginning to understand Kaidan's need to constantly eat. She flinched a bit as his name passed in her mind. The memories of him were twisted up in her mind, there were still parts that loved him, that missed him, that wanted him and the other side of the coin so angry, so fed up, that hated him. Eventually, in time thinking of him would not cause such a reaction, in time the feelings would go and she'd forget all the hurt he caused her.

 

“Oh hey Garrus.” Simple words and already she could feel the heat rising along her neck, cheeks and ears.

 

“Shepard.” The silence seemed to penetrate the air and she hated the lingering silence between them so she grabbed for the first thing that came to mind.

 

“Uh – how's the new gun handling?”

 

“Good. Still installing some new algorithms and converters, just off now to talk to Tali about the energy fluctuations.” 

 

“Something wrong with the power?” That was odd she hadn't noticed any power fluctuations but she hadn't been all that conscious for long enough to notice much.

 

“Don't know but it's causing some problems with the algorithms.”

 

She shifted around him and headed for the cupboard looking for a quick snack.

 

“Oh.” Usually most of the techno talk went right over her head but she was trying to learn with a little help from Tali. “Well if you need me to speak to her -”

 

“No Shepard. Thanks – but – we're good.” Garrus stepped away as she grabbed two power bars from the cupboard. 

 

“Oh well okay then.” 

 

She could only guess why Garrus was so quick to retreat from her presence and why the conversation felt so awkward. It would figure she ruins a good friendship by being a white hot mess. Sighing to herself she decided to head up and lock in the course for Illium, she still had an assassin and the Justicar to pick up plus there was the information for Liara. Well at least she would be busy on Illium. Once she plotted in the course she grabbed some data pads and did her rounds. Hopefully in her slow circuit she could avoid running into Garrus when she headed down to engineering. She was really going to have to bite the bullet and get over her shame and just talk to him about it. After all they'd been through she'd hate to think her poor conduct might be the reason they could never be friends again.

 

When she didn't see Garrus down in engineering she gave a sigh of relief. Stepping up to Tali's console she could hear Kenneth making some comment about Miranda and her outfit. She wondered how Gabby put up with it or how Tali didn't just throw him right out. 

 

“Hey Tali how are things going?” A small smirk curling on her lips as she heard Gabby admonish Kenneth in the background.

 

“Oh alright.”

 

“Uh oh, what is up Tali? Lay it on me.”

 

The quarian gestured and they stepped away from the console and headed for the more private area near the drive core. Folding her arms in front of her chest she waited for Tali to give her the updated news on what was bothering her.

 

“Well with all the new upgrades you've approved our current system is running at max. I'm barely able to divert enough energy to power the new shielding, let alone the new gun. Any more upgrades and one system is sure to suffer.”

 

“Okay so what do you need?” Last thing she needed was to be heading for the Collector's and have the shielding or the gun fail. Joker would yell loudly if they lost a second Normandy on top of it hitting just a bit too close to home with the memories.

 

“Well I need some new phase shifting power converters, FX 355 cabling -”

 

“Can you send me the list on my omni-tool?” Because if the list was as long as she thought it was she'd never remember half the things she needed to get.

 

“Oh right – yes.” Tali started punching in a few things onto her omni-tool. “Also I'll need to take Normandy offline for a couple of days to install everything and test it out.”

 

“Hmm. Well how about this, we're headed to Illium for a bit and will be docked for a while you can shut her down there. I'll get all the items and you can start to get to work. I should be there for a week, will that give you enough time?”

 

“Yes, yes that should work – but Shepard -” Tali was about to say something and then stopped.

 

She knew Miranda had been running everyone a little hard while she was indisposed, pushing for the upgrades she had sanctioned to be completed by the time she got back into the game. The crew needed to unwind and catch a breather before she started pushing the crew more and more. After this though she would have to watch the crew and make a point of being sure to stagger the missions in between some down time. Once they could hit home to the Collector's there would likely be very little chance of downtime. 

 

“Also, once I am done everything on Illium I am declaring 48 hour shore leave for most of the staff. Some might have to stagger theirs out, but the message about it should be going out soon.” Almost as if on cue Tali's own omni-tool pinged making her chuckle that she remembered that setting. Tali seemed to relax a bit at the words shore leave. Plus the time would give her a chance to reconnect with Liara and maybe get some reports and emails shifted through.

 

“Is that all?” When Tali didn't speak up right away she started to walk away but then Tali cleared her throat.

 

“Sh-Shepard, about Garrus.”

 

She tensed a bit at his name but turned back to Tali figuring she knew the quarian was going to tell her to leave him alone or ask her what happened in those three days she had been a complete mess that required his personal mothering. 

 

“What is it Tali? I can leave him back from the missions if you need him on hand.” She was concerned about Garrus she just didn't know what to do about him. If she pushed too hard he'd clam up and never say a word, but she couldn't let whatever was going on to continue much longer. 

 

Tali slowly shook her head and now had her full attention.

 

“Uh no actually could you take him with you or order him off the ship?”

 

Laughing a bit she shook her head wondering what Garrus could have done to make Tali want him off the ship.

 

“Is he bothering you a bit?”

 

She could hear Tali grumble something along the lines of a bit being the least of it. It was easy to see that Tali was agitated by the reality of a bothersome turian.

 

“If that bosh'tet comes down here about the power one more time I might strangle him.”

 

She shouldn't have chuckled but she did. Nodding slowly she backed away from Tali before she got on her bad side and missed out on the opportunity to learn more from her.

 

“Alright, I'll get him out of your way.”

 

“Thanks Shepard.”

 

“No problem Tali whatever helps you out.” Guess she would have to talk to Garrus after all, at least now she had a topic to talk to him about. Maybe once she got talking it wouldn't be so uncomfortable. Yea right Shepard.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, sorry folks for the delay I had the chapter all queued up just needed to edit, but then had to go out to a family thing and then all the other joys of adulthood and owning your own home. This will likely be the last chapter for the year. I may put out some dribbles and drabbles of things in my head over the holidays, but I shall be back January 5th 2014 with Chapter 13. 
> 
> My brain also thinks it is fitting that I am landing on Chapter 12 as the Eleventh Doctor takes his final bow and 12 days of Christmas or etc. Happy Holidays all!!


	13. Something Changes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard and Garrus spend some time on Illium, a friendship is mending but Shepard starts to feel more.
> 
> Alternating POV

The minute she heard the voice at the bar she groaned a little and swore she saw Garrus smirk a bit in her peripheral vision. Hitting his elbow she wondered what force in the universe allowed this to happen. Someone or something was surely mocking her. Shuffling forward she could hear the asari at the bar getting more annoyed. Well time to step in before someone gets hurt – mostly before Conrad Verner gets hurt. Tapping him a bit forcefully on the shoulder she swore she could hear Garrus stifling a chuckle through a feigned cough, she'd have to remember this the next time they ran into some social situation he was uncomfortable with. Maybe she should drag him over to the bachelor party going on around the corner. Whatever she would find a way to get him back. 

 

Now though she had to get Conrad from the bartender before he ended up with his ass out a window or the owner pressing charges. She could feel the dull throb at the front of her head. Why? What person thought this would be funny? She was going to smack Garrus so hard if this was some how his idea for a bad joke. Laugh it up Vakarian. Tali better be real happy she was getting him off the ship. Plus well right now things felt normal between them and she'd take the headache of Conrad Verner for this small moment. She'd find a way to get him back damn bastard.

 

* * *

 

 

Nudging Garrus a little she tried to remain inconspicuous as she leaned against the wall.

 

“The quarian has no clue.”

 

“What?”

 

“The quarian, just around the corner she has absolutely no clue the turian likes her.”

 

“Wha – Oh – well she's missing the sub-harmonics. If she was a turian he'd be as obvious as that drunk woman draping herself all over that man.”

 

Shepard looked over and saw the woman in question and shrugged.

 

“So how come I can tell?”

 

“Because you are outside the situation and you are eavesdropping, also it's not you on the receiving end.”

 

Perking an eyebrow up at Garrus she looked over at him.

 

“Are you saying I wouldn't know a turian was flirting with me if I was on the receiving end?”

 

Garrus shrugged.

 

“You didn't notice the one at the door.” He shifted his sub-harmonics a bit and shifted closer, “Or the one at the bar.”

 

“You're yanking my chain.” She glanced to the bar and to the door trying to locate the turians in question.

 

“Yanking your what?”

 

“Human saying means you are joking with me.”

 

“No I am not joking.”

 

“Come on. One just said 'Hey'.”

 

“He was saying more then 'Hey'.”

 

“Wait – What?” She looked over to Garrus shocked. “How can you tell? More importantly – why?”

 

Garrus shrugged his shoulders not really wanting to get into the reasons someone might find her beautiful or attractive. No he was trying to pull some distance between his crush and her. It was hard but he could feel the weight of it lifting off him. The crush may never be gone for good, he suspected he would always care for her and have a deep respect for her, but maybe that is where it should end. She's never going to feel the same.

 

“I could tell by his sub-harmonics. There was a tone to them that said more.”

 

She still looked shocked as if she couldn't believe she was attractive in somebody's eyes. The fallout from Kaidan had left her a little less flirty or was it the Cerebus reviving that changed her? He knew she had been more confident before, more sure. Or it was his own ideals being projected onto her. 

 

“You have to teach me!”

 

Garrus shook his head slowly.

 

“Uh no Commander.” 

 

She hadn't even noticed the change in his rumble, although, a female turian nearby certainly noticed. The female looked nice enough, lean, strong colony markings but he wasn't sure he was the type to take an opening like the one presented. Besides what in the world could he say? 'Hey I noticed you checking me out while I rumbled at the Commander – want to go somewhere and work out some tension?' No, he'd be stuck relieving the tension and stress by taking it to the punching bag or doing what he had been doing for the last two years – which was taking care of it himself. Certainly not as enjoyable as having a partner but less messy then some of the alternatives. Anyway, he thought of propositioning the female turian just turned out wrong in his mind, even if might help turn his mind from Shepard. His mind swirled back as she considered his remark.

 

“Why the hell not? It's not like I'm picking up the algorithms. Might as well teach me something I might catch.”

 

Again he shook his head.

 

“I don't think you'd be able to hear the differences, especially not in here.”

 

Suddenly she grabbed a hold of his hand and started tugging him away from the wall.

 

“Come on then lets test out how good my human hearing is. Maybe I'll surprise you.”

 

He tried to struggle against her but she just kept yanking. Damn how did she get so strong? She was certainly determined, more so then when he tried teaching her math. It seemed that ever since she had come out of her problems or self destruction she had been on a mission to learn from each of her squad mates. It seemed a daunting task with just the few people they picked up, with more being added to the roster it seemed impossible. But if she was determined enough like now, she would find a way to keep on task. He just wondered what drove her to this point of learning, was it the fallout or something new?

 

He knew the topics with Shepard were not keeping her attention. It had been bad enough that he seriously considered sticking to things that were universal like gun maintenance or maybe sniper training or well anything other then running algorithms and calibrating. He doubted that teaching her sub-harmonics would go anywhere but her insistence to learn now when there was nothing happening meant having no excuse to get out of it. The whole reason they were even lounging out in the bar was because they were waiting on the asari in shipping to get off her shift so they could head out and get to assassin Thane Krios. Jack had been invited to hang out but the biotic decided to catch some alone time with the Cerebus files. Shepard had let her go but refused to let him out of her sight – likely because of how he chuckled when they saw Conrad Verner again. Damn her.

 

Being pulled along even at his balking and pleading he knew the Commander would not be swayed. Finally he just stopped struggling feeling fairly confident that if she wanted to she would carry him to a more secluded destination to test out her theory she could tell the difference. The sounds of the bar receded and she wove between crowds until she somehow found a quiet alcove off the the trading floor. Only soft murmurs penetrated the spot and it was a bit out of view. Pushing herself flush with the wall she looked over to him.

 

“Okay big guy, lay it on me.” 

 

“Shepard.” He tried pleading but the look in her eye told him she was not backing down.

 

“Come on lets hear it.”

 

He sighed wondering how he could explain to Shepard that there was no way she was going to understand all the nuances of the way he spoke. Having his sub-harmonics and knowing what each inflection meant was just part of who he was, it was something from birth that was not really taught as it was provided in your upbringing as a turian.

 

“Turians use different inflections for who their audience is”

 

“So?” She just wasn't getting it. “Let me hear the difference. How would you talk to me as a friend versus a loved one or even a lover?” She smirked at that last one and he had a feeling she enjoyed his discomfort at this. Sighing he leaned a bit closer even though she still had a firm hold on his arm. 

 

“Shepard I don't even know what to say.”

 

“Well don't you have pick up lines or something?”

 

“Pick up – what?”

 

“You know things you would say to make a female go all wild for you.”

 

He whined as he really did not know what she was talking about. Why do humans have all these weird things about them? Words to make someone interested. Sometimes it was just about relieving stress, but he never had the right words to say. He definitely was not like some of his pals at C-Sec that could say something witty or charming and have girls all over them just begging for a chance to be with them. There was something awkward about how he approached women that led to him striking out more then actually getting anywhere. Plus he really didn't want to be talking in a way to make Shepard go wild, he was trying to get over her not find another reason to be attracted to her.

 

Then a thought hit him and he realized that right now he had the perfect chance to say something to her and it would just be considered part of the experiment. She was giving him a chance to get it all off his chest and her not have a clue about the honesty of the statement. Maybe this would be helpful, give him a chance to voice it all and be done.

 

“I'm waiting Garrus.”

 

Huffing a bit he tried to think of something that wasn't too personal, something that wouldn't give him away. 

 

“You deserve better. You are a hero saving the universe and no one gives you your due.”

 

“Okay now say something that you would say to someone you are interested in.”

 

“Shepard.” He whined again but she was not paying him any mind. There was nothing in his mind that would come out right. He had thought to tell her she was one of a kind, that she made people strive to be better, she inspired people to do more. But then it devolved into him cursing her for dying, blaming her as if she had a choice in her death. If she had survived she would have bullied him into Spectre training maybe even taken him on as a protege. He would have never gone to Omega as they'd be out pursuing other things maybe even dawn on the Collector threat early. But she'd likely still be with Kaidan, still out of reach and unavailable. Pretty much how it was now. He just sighed not certain what to say to her that wouldn't sound like the wounded and scarred turian he was.

 

“Close your eyes.”

 

She smirked a little.

 

“What afraid I might stare you down? Too scared to meet my eyes when you talk all sexy?”

 

He grumbled.

 

“No, just close your eyes or I don't do it.”

 

Sighing she relented and closed her eyes folding her arms across her chest. He waited for a whole half minute before he leaned in closer positioning a hand well above her head.

 

“Do you want to know why turians don't need 'picking up lines?' Because we don't need them. We can tell someone just by the timber of our sub-harmonics how we find them attractive. We barely need to voice a word to make another turian know we are interested. Right now I doubt you can even hear the things I am saying.” There it was done. He said what he could under the tones, how he loved her, how he cared and how sad he was she'd likely never know.

 

 

She was about to speak up when he didn't say anything when she closed her eyes, but then she felt him lean a bit forward. The heat that radiated off him even in his armour drove the chill from her bones. She thought she would always carry the chill with her as some by-product of what Cerebus had done to her. She considered asking Miranda about it. Since she had helped her with getting her sister to safety she found Miranda had significantly softened. At least it was easier to speak with her now and it likely would be best to bring it up in case there was an issue with her implants.

 

She thought being a biotic would make her run a little hotter, she remembered Kaidan always felt a few degrees warmer then most of the other male crew members. Right now though she reveled in the warmth buffeting off of Garrus lulling her into an instant comfort. Then he started to talk, the deep rumble just under his voice carried to her. In the rumble there was something going deep into her, hitting a cord that pinged with her mind. Almost as if on instinct her stomach tightened and her core seemed to suddenly spring to life. Had his voice always been so – damn sexy?

 

The warmth of his breath against her face made her knees a little wobbly and she could feel the warmth rising up on her cheeks. Suddenly her mind was going places that until this very moment it had never gone to. Well she had thought about him once or twice on the SR-1 wondering about the reach of his arms and hands as he bent before the innards of the Mako. How wonderful would it be for him to be bent before her – no stop Shepard. The silence swirled between them after his last word left his lips or plates or whatever. Something hung in the air like an invitation.

 

A part of her considered the invitation, what was the harm? How about losing your best friend, scaring him away, being left without a single person that got you by your side. Her mouth felt a bit dry as she tried to get herself under control. Opening her eyes slowly she kept from locking gazes with Garrus, hoping that she didn't somehow give herself away that she heard his tones, that she caught some meaning behind them.

 

“Hmm you are right I didn't catch a difference there.” She tried not to think about how close he hovered near her. Swallowing she looked around trying to find a distraction from his presence. There was the soft bit of his scent that wafted to her nose. Deep, musky, alluring – damn it Shepard pull yourself together. She almost wished for a distraction and wondered why she had picked some nice little secluded place where not too many eyes and ears could not pry?

 

Her saviour came when her omni-tool pinged and she almost wanted to sigh loudly in relief.

 

“Guess we'll have to find something else you can teach me another time.” Did she speak too quickly? Glancing down she noticed it was a message from the asari that she was off shift in ten minutes. Tapping at the omni-tool she sent the notice off to Jack of where to meet up.

 

“Well time to get us an assassin.” Pushing away from the wall she moved around Garrus and headed for the rendezvous point. She could still feel her heart racing in her chest but she pushed the lingering thoughts down to focus on the mission ahead. She had a feeling that if she wanted to she could easily bring forth his words and the tone of his voice to her head. A voice that made her ache suddenly and groan in equal parts lust and remembrance that he was a friend and likely still had no interest in her. Well at least she knew knew now she wasn't completely changed by Cerebus, there was still her old self turned on by the oddest of things and now she was in lust with someone who she'd never tell if only to save herself the humiliation and the embarrassment. In time she felt assured it would fade, her mind would latch onto someone else and she could carefully keep her momentarily lapse to herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year All! Welcome to Chapter 13.


	14. Across the Bar - Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard takes a bit of R&R on Illium and catches the glimpse of someone across a bar.

She sat in the plush lounge chair looking out to the Illium night sky. The drink she had been nursing for about a half an hour rolled lazily in her hand. Usually she would have had her back to a wall or the window if the wall wasn't free, but she was feeling comfortable, relaxed and couldn't care to be alarmed she was going against all her training. Right now she just wanted to sit and enjoy relaxing, maybe even enjoy this small bit of R&R she had mandated for everyone else and just finally been able to steal a few moments for herself. Besides there was a good reason to celebrate, she had been able to achieve recruiting the assassin and the Justicar peacefully. Well not exactly peacefully, she had to deal with the Blue Suns and the Eclipse mercenaries – but getting rid of them had it's own reward.

 

It was also good helping Liara out. She knew it had been hard for her to let her in, to let her know that she had been the instrument in putting her in the hands of Cerebus. Of course, the alternate choice would have been in the hands of the Collectors and she supposed maybe the lesser of two evils was better, the Alliance certainly wouldn't have done anything with her but let her rest. Now she felt revived and challenged to live again she was rather glad Liara had not gone with that choice. But she could see how much it had cost the once soft and young asari, well maybe not young but the naivety she used to carry had rubbed away under the hard stone of tracking the Shadow Broker down to save a friend who sacrificed himself for her. Now she had a friend as the Shadow Broker, an ear listening at intelligence and willing to help her in anyway defeat the Reapers or the Collectors. She only wished she had more time with Liara, time to invite her on board, but there was an agitated krogan and salarian she needed to take care of and the promise of shore leave. All these people on her team with loose ends, each taking a moment to say good bye before they took on the Collectors.

 

Course finding a way to them might be a task in itself. Just one more thing on the list to do, but she pushed those thoughts away and focused instead on the comfort of her surrounding, the feeling of success and ease. Tomorrow it was back to the grind, but tonight she would be selfish and relax. She invited a few people out with her when she left the ship figuring the down time she promised would be a good chance to get to know more of her crew.

 

Kasumi said she might join up later, Miranda was busy with reports, Jacob was meeting up with some old friends, Tali said she might stop by, Garrus was likely holed up in one of the several suite's she had purchased for shore leave grumbling at her as he cleaned his rifle. She had promised Tali she would keep him from the Normandy even if that meant barring him entry. The list of excuses and maybe's continued. There were those she hadn't invited but for obvious reasons – like Grunt who at his current state shouldn't be around crowds. She also understood Thane and Samara not joining her being new to the ship and still settling in. But- she sighed knowing it was too much to hope for a cohesive and more friendly like group that she had back on the SR-1. She was with Cerebus now and getting the job done was their motto. Sure they didn't have the same strict rules as the Alliance, allowing for new friendships and romances on board but they also didn't encourage the team beyond the job.

 

Maybe it was the bar she had chosen to meet up at. The bar was a little more out of the way and wasn't like all the other hot spots on Illium with the track lighting and deep dance beats. This place had a very different tone to it, almost subdued. The crowd she noticed was older too and had a more diverse mix of the races. Music here was still loud but not to the point of having to yell, there was a dance floor which was occupied by a few people, but this was more a social place then a place to dance away the night. Slouching a bit she watched the lights of the Illium skyline blink, twinkle and turn off.

 

“Excuse me?” A pitched, rumbled female voice broke through her revelry.

 

Turning her head slowly she looked back and saw three turian women standing near each other. The one with bold green markings stood more forward and she guessed was the one that spoke.

 

“Yes?”

 

“We were wondering if the seats were taken?”

 

Looking back out over the crowd she had lost track of time or how busy it had gotten. So far though no one had been brave enough it seemed to bother her. Well at least she still had the ability to scare people off by mood and presence alone. Smirking a little she gestured to the seats.

 

“All yours ladies.”

 

Mandibles shifted and each woman thanked her before taking the empty seats around her. She had chosen the area for its seclusion, the comfy chairs and also the ability to see most of the bar from here if anyone actually showed up. But since no one was showing up there was no reason to hog the chairs. Smiling once to the ladies she pulled further into herself letting the conversation between the female turians wash over her.

 

At some point, she wasn't sure how much time had passed she heard the tone of the ladies change, the thrumming and bit shrill sound that came from their sub-harmonics brought her out of her seclusion.

 

“... Oh that one I would climb in a minute.”

 

Slowly she shook herself out and looked to the ladies first to see where their eyes were indicating to. It had been by accident that she caught the statement and she hadn't meant to eavesdrop, but she figured there were several contributing factors that drew her out. She glanced to where the gazes were trained on and couldn't see who they were talking about. Adjusting in her seat she listened as the ladies continued to make comments. Most of the comments were about the markings, the armour, the height. She could hear the bits of approval and one of the women nudging one of the others to go to talk to the turian in question. Shifting a bit in her seat the crowd moved and through the part she finally caught a glimpse of the turian – well the back of him. One of the women must have noticed she was trying to get a glimpse of the turian they were all commenting on.

 

“What do you think?”

 

“Oh Leeta don't pester the woman.”

 

She heard something else in the sub-harmonics, pity perhaps or sorrow. She probably looked like someone who has just been stood up. Smirking a little she kept shifting her eyes between the one called Leeta and where she last seen the turian.

 

“It's no bother, besides I'm actually curious now.”

 

She saw in her peripheral vision a few shifted mandibles at her off the cuff remark. Snickering a bit she moved her gaze back to the turians.

 

“I'm not a very good female human. I tend to go against the norm. Besides I've dabbled before.”

 

That got her a few more raised expressions and different tones from the females. Leeta seemed to sit forward a bit more, she was the same that had stood forward and asked to take the seats, the one with the bold, green markings.

 

“I thought humans were allergic to us.”

 

She shrugged a bit and smirked.

 

“Guess I'm not.”

 

Although, as she thought about it she supposed she didn't know whether that was still true. Miranda had altered her coding a little bit to bring the latent biotic power she had to the foreground. Plus with her implants maybe she was now allergic, course the only way to test that would be to have some skin to skin and more contact. Her own mind laughed at that, there was no way Garrus would volunteer and while there was an offer given by Lorik since she returned she didn't think she was quite in the mind set to follow through.

 

She hadn't felt the same as she had two years ago, the urge for a quick release wasn't there besides... no she was not going there. No matter how her mind tugged and toyed with her she made it a conscious point not to be lured in too much. Leeta seemed the most open minded of the bunch and didn't even flinch at her openness. The other two shifted a bit and she thought she caught a bit of a jealous rumble off one and an angry vibe off the other.

 

“So since you've dabbled, you have to let us know who is better in bed.”

 

One of the ladies made an aghast sound at the sheer forwardness of the request. The reaction only made her feel a bit brazen and want to talk more. She looked over to Leeta and she swore they shared an evil tempting glint.

 

“Well -”

 

Just at that moment Leeta nudged her to look and she swiveled at the right moment as the crowd thinned and the turian male turned back to face them. The light of the overhead bar lights seemed to cast him in this halo of light and shadow that she swore she heard the other ladies verbally sigh at the sight. Her eyes were drawn first to the fringe, then the streak of blue across what she would call the cheek line, the immovable visor over his left eye, the glint of blue of his other eye. Pushing herself deep into the seat she tore her gaze away before she did something foolish or moaned loudly. Huffing a bit she pushed herself deeper into the chair hoping to disappear. Why did it have to be him?

 

She could still see him behind her closed eyelids, the lights and shadows. When she opened her eyes back up she could see Leeta perking up at her reaction.

 

“You know him?”

 

She nodded her confirmation afraid that using her voice might give her away.

 

“More like she wants to mate with him.”

 

She groaned that her attraction to him was that noticeable and she shrank a little lower into the chair. Leeta was quick to jump in and admonished the angry one and there were high words shared before the angry one got up and stormed off. The jealous one seemed to be torn before bolting up and following the angry one. There were some guttural swears before Leeta reached over to touch her arm. She shifted her hand a bit.

 

“I'm sorry I didn't mean to start to fight.”

 

Leeta looked shocked and sat back.

 

“You understood that?”

 

“Not what was really said but the under tones were a little obvious.”

 

“Huh.” Then Leeta shook her head. “Don't worry about those gitches, they are just jealous you know him and seem to like him.”

 

She shielded herself with her hands again. “Is it that obvious?”

 

“The moan that came from your lips made it a bit obvious. There are too many people here to tell for sure in other ways.”

 

She groaned again.

 

“So come on what's the story?”

 

“There is none.”

 

Leeta wasn't taking no for an answer and probed again. Eventually she sighed.

 

“We work together. I'm his I guess superior.”

 

“So? You're not on a turian ship I gather. But even among our ships that is not so taboo, a little frowned upon.”

 

“It's a bit complicated.”

 

And until a few days ago she hadn't even looked twice at him. Now all she could imagine was his voice that day, the deep, rumbling tones, her neck arching up to allow a place for mouth plates and a rough tongue to roll across her skin which she wished happened but had not. She thought about that moment a lot, her mind turning over what would have happened if he had leaned in a bit more. The sound of his voice, the jokes they cracked easily between each other, the innuendo they shared which had been harmless until now. The innuendo just there that either everyone was ignoring or choose to not participate in. She sighed wondering how she was going to deal with her sudden infatuation.

 

“I don't see where the complication is – well other then the obvious.”

 

She sighed and raked a hand over her face.

 

“The how it would work I'm not concerned with, it is the other things.”

 

“Such as?”

 

She didn't know how to explain her track record to Leeta, how it was always about the physical on her end and usually the feelings she thought she had just waned. That there was a fear she'd start something and break his heart. She knew he was going through his own struggles so why compound them further. Then there was the Shadow Broker intel she had read. That was a whole barrel of guilt laid onto her.

 

“How would you feel if you knew your presence in someone's life made them not excel to their fullest potential? That maybe you made them lesser then what they could be?”

 

Leeta took a moment. “If they meant enough I'd tell them. You never know how something is going to turn out unless you try. Who knows maybe the influence you have on them might actually make them - him better.”

 

She sighed and wondered if that were true, but there were a lot of doubts in her mind. It might be better to work on whether whatever she was feeling for him now was more then a passing fancy, a lust. She didn't want to hurt him.

 

“Besides we worked together before he never showed any interest.”

 

“Hey Shepard – so this is where you are hiding out.”

 

She hadn't even noticed he had moved from the bar and the sound of his voice shook her upright into her chair.

 

“Oh hey Garrus didn't think you'd come out.”

 

Craning her head back she hoped she didn't flush too much as she spoke. She could feel her heart rate picking up a notch and a bit of a nervous sweat form under her arms. What the hell was wrong with her?

 

“Garrus this is uh Leeta, Leeta this is - “

 

“Pleased to meet you but I should go check on my friends. It was nice chatting with you Shepard.” Leeta noticed that until Garrus mentioned it she never got her name. Leeta winked as she passed by and made a gesture indicating how hot she thought Garrus was up close. The gesture only made her chuckle but she shook her head a little as Garrus took a seat next to her.

 

“Nice place Shepard.”

 

“Hmm thanks.”

 

“And no one has threatened you so far?”

 

“The night is still young.”

 

“That is true. Tali should be over with the drinks.”

 

“Ah.”

 

She caught Leeta out of the corner of her eye make some gesture but she shook her head a bit so Garrus didn't pick up on the motion.

 

“Glad you could both make it out. Was about to pack it in.” She remarked loosely.

 

“So early? Where is your sense of adventure?” He chuckled lightly.

 

She laughed a bit. “It is tired and worried about Grunt.”

 

“You'll figure it out Shepard, always do. Plus thought this was mandatory shore leave, time to take a bit of your own medicine.”

 

“Yea.”

 

“So for now we do shots!” Tali exclaimed coming up with a tray of shot glasses each with a different alcohol in them.

 

“I am not drinking all of those.” She remarked easily.

 

“You won't if you've been good.”

 

“What does that mean?” She raised her brows looking to the quarian and wondering what all this conspiracy is all about.

 

“Have you ever played a drinking game 'I never'?”

 

Groaning a bit she wondered how Tali had heard about some old human drinking game. She would like to blame Leeta but she had a feeling this was more Ken's thing.

 

* * *

 

 

“You two should kiss.” Tali flopped out of her arms as they laid her out on the bed.

 

“You should get some rest.” She said as she tried to maneuver the quarian onto the bed more. “Garrus, little help.”

 

They worked as a team getting Tali back to the room even though she had made the task of getting her back rather difficult and at times a bit too intimate when she hugged them close. How Tali managed to get so drunk was beyond her. She had felt for sure that when the game was mentioned Tali was out to get her drunk, but instead it only made her relaxed but not drunk, not even close. Maybe Tali should have phrased the questions better or not picked bad ones that where likely from Ken. Readjusting Tali even as she flailed and continued to make odd comments she looked over to Garrus.

 

“Do you think you could find something for her? You know what is right for a dextro eater.”

 

“Yea, but how to make her eat it or drink it.”

 

“Ask Chawkas and see if she has a clue. Don't worry I'll stay here with her.”

 

Garrus grumbled a bit but left the room moments later.

 

“He likes yoooou.” Tali waved her arms about trying to gain purchase to get out of the bed.

 

“You are drunk and delusional and you are going to get a rupture if you keep flailing like that.” She put a firm hand on Tali's shoulder trying to keep the quarian still while Garrus was out trying to get something for Tali. Of course trying to force feed her might be difficult, they may have to wait until she was a little more sober.

 

“I may be drunk but I'm not del – delu- oh whatever. He had such a crush on you on the original Norman-dy.”

 

“He didn't.” She pushed Tali back on the bed.

 

“He did. No one knew but me....”

 

Could it be true? It was hard to imagine that he had a crush on her and never said a word, so she tried to brush it off.

 

“You – you like him tooooo”

 

“Now you're really talking crazy.” But she could feel the heat on her cheeks betray her. Damn it. She was just glad though that Tali was too drunk to call her out. Grabbing the nearby remote she started flicking through channels until she came a cross some movie Tali was in love with and stopped channel surfing. There was far too much singing and odd characters in it for her to follow, but if it kept Tali quiet and still she would suffer through.

 

 

She felt someone nudge her gently and say her name, she wanted to shove them away but they kept insisting so she opened her eyes to be met with a turian standing over her jostling her. Blue eyes boring into hers sending her heart rate at a dangerous flutter and the flush rising on her cheeks.

 

“What's up Garrus?” Shaking the sleep out of her eyes, she saw the video set still on rolling through the credits of either the movie they had been watching or some other movie as she didn't know the exact time. Her arms, legs, heck her whole body ached from falling asleep in the chair she had brought up next to the bed. “What time is it?”

 

For a moment Garrus stared at her.

 

“What? What is it?”

 

“Your eyes they are not all the way brown.”

 

“Huh? Ohhh, yea. Multi-colour eyes goes with my impossibly straight multi-colour hair.”

 

“I never noticed before.”

 

“Well you've never been standing over me with the lights on. Anyway, what is up?”

 

“I got the food and stuff for Tali.”

 

“She's asleep now so there is no way I'm waking her up. But I'll stay here until it's time to get moving back to the ship, you should catch some sleep while you can. Did the Doc say anything?”

 

“Nothing to help really, just to watch her and get her some food and water when possible. Any injection should be done in a clean room.”

 

“Hmm, well guess she'll just have to do with a hangover tomorrow, although, I might take it easy on her. She deserves it – maybe.” Smirking a bit she looked up to Garrus then reached out and grabbed his hand lightly. The sensation made her heart quicken a little. Pull yourself together Shepard he doesn't like you.

 

“Thanks for the food and stuff. Go on, I'll catch you after shore leave.” Lifting slowly from the chair she straightened out her limbs and did a bit of stretching, but Garrus still wasn't moving or leaving.

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Yea no worries, I fall asleep at the drop of the hat.”

 

Garrus snickered. “I remember.”

 

She smirked but shooed him toward the door. “Not my fault waiting for a pick up in the Mako made me tired.”

 

Garrus laughed out loud and both heard some muttering from the bed, for a moment they stood still and watched until they noticed Tali was not going to wake at the intrusion. Shoving at Garrus she herded him toward the door.

 

“You wake her and I am going to leave you in charge of her.”

 

“Alright, alright.” Garrus lifted his hands up and shifted to the doorway. “Have a good night Shepard.”

 

Her heart fluttered at the look, but reminded herself he did not like her. “Good night Garrus.”

 

He left and she palmed to lock the door. Suddenly, her mind was cast back to those dark days when Garrus took care of her. The sound of her husky voice rasping against his head, her lips sliding along one of his mandibles before he tried to jostle her away. The memory was such an intrusion and made her groan and feel her body ignite under the remembrance. Maybe it was her mind's way of telling her she wasn't allergic to him or just turned on by the looks he gave her, the gentle touches. No. He doesn't like me.

 


	15. Rumour Has It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garrus seeks out Shepard to obtain some help in seeking out Sidonis. He ponders the rumours about the Commander and who she is infatuated with or if Kaidan is still in the picture.
> 
> After Illium and through to the Collector Base.

He felt he would never understand humans, at least never in regards to their rules or fascinations. He never understood the Alliance and the military to place such strict rules on fraternization. Someone had been the first to break the rule and certainly not the last. He felt certain that Shepard was part of a group that fraternized and got away with it. There were likely those seen as less than reputable in the military that were dragged out and their indiscretion put on display as a cautionary tale.

 

It was a dumb rule, one he did not understand. He had heard the humans had passed strange restrictive laws in their past that eventually got overturned when it was realized that people had found a work around or just blatantly broke the law. One day he saw the strict rule of no fraternization lessened or even abolished. Shepard might be the spearhead for that revolution, that is if she ever returned to the Alliance and Kaidan.

 

Going back to the Alliance seemed likely. He couldn't see her striking out on her own, no matter how tempting Jack made it sound. The issue of Kaidan though, he wasn't certain where she stood on that. He had heard whispers here and there about her 'putting him away'. It was a strange term he didn't get the meaning of, but wondered if it had something to do with her cabin. When he had been up there last there had been the picture frame with Kaidan's face in the photo on her desk. Ever since then he hadn't been back up there but now he was headed up and curious about some of the whispers he had heard.

 

That was another thing he could not understand – the whispers. How could a human to someone's face be nice and cheery then once the person was out of ear range they would complain about every fault they had or voice a more angry thought. In turian society it was tough to really hide your dislike for another person, sub-harmonics always giving off the true tone of what you felt inside. Sure some learned how to alter their sub-harmonics to say the same as words, but most were trained very young and most ended up as politician's or ambassadors. He supposed that he dealt mainly with those that could never tell the difference it was easy to be false and have someone not know the truth. Like Shepard.

 

She never knew how he felt, that he felt more for her then was right. He had let his respect for her grow out and become something more. He should have reigned it in, realized she was more into humans then the alien perspective since after all she had turned down Liara. So that was his task. Learning to live and move on fully from her. But the whispers of the crew caught his attention long ago. Back when he spent nearly three days and nights in her room nursing her back to health, enduring her in a differed state, broken. Like him. Some had thought there was something going on between them during that time and at that point he did not feel the need to correct them. It was only when the whispers grew too much that he finally had to dissolve the rumour before it reached some fever pitch that even Joker would start bothering him about it.

 

But the whispers persisted, in the case of Shepard the whispers were about her love life. A point of humanities odd fascinations. It was the same on the SR-1, but most of the whispers were the crew plotting ways to give Shepard and Kaidan more alone time. All of them seemed to conspire on helping their Commander fraternize. Now the whispers were about whether she was interested in anyone on the crew or if she was single.

 

Most of the crew seemed to know about her previous relationship with Kaidan. What most didn't know for sure was whether that relationship was still active. Something he had not pondered since he began to distance himself a little from Shepard. He wasn't concerned about her love life or lack thereof, it would just hurt him too much to be sucked into that vortex again. The distance was to help him move on but there was two things he needed to do. One he had promised to her and one he needed to do in order to bring justice to those who could not seek it out for themselves anymore.

 

Arriving up to the cabin the door light was green and he was about to palm the intercom when Kelly Chambers suddenly came out of the room and nearly bumped right into him.

 

“Oh, hello Garrus. Here to see the Commander?”

 

He could see a small jar in her hand with just barely visible words of fish something on them. He had to guess it was for the infernal tank and the fish Shepard kept in there. Why she kept buying them he wasn't sure other then to maybe decorate the space with something. Such a frivolous waste of resources and yet she still kept things in it.

 

“Yes, I wished to go over something with her.”

 

“Hmm well you can go in.” The yeoman smirked a little before walking toward the elevator. He could see her eyes on him appraising him and he wondered if she was part of the small camp that whispered about him and the Commander. He hated there were rumours out there he couldn't stop. There was a temptation to mention it to Shepard, she would come down hard on those spreading rumours about her or make them so embarrassed they would never want to spread another rumour. Or she might get a bit vindictive and he really did not want to be roped into something just to prove a point. No he would suffer through the whispers and rumours. Eventually everyone would see what he saw that she didn't like him and that was that.

 

Stepping into the room slowly he looked around and felt the need to rib her about conning Kelly into feeding her fish.

 

“Hey Shepard are you getting so bad at keeping animals alive that you have to get someone else to feed them?”

 

She came out of the living room and smirked at him. “Kelly was more then happy to take the responsibility from me and how could I refuse the help after all.” Glancing down to her data pad she turned back to the living room area.

 

“Hmm afraid we were going to turn you into the animal cruelty department if you kept forgetting to feed the fish and let them die?”

 

She laughed high and throaty, “Not going to go for the alien cruelty department first Vakarian? Thought that would be the first bureau you would go to seeing as how I torture you in the vehicles I drive.”

 

Stepping into the room further his eyes scanned over her desk and the pile of data pads, the model ships constructed and put on display and the sudden void of where a certain photo used to be. He moved to the stairs and looked around.

 

Now it was his turn to laugh. “No apparently they won't take anymore complaints about you there, said that was out of their jurisdiction as you just keep saying it is under your Spectre authority.”

 

“Well that is what you get Garrus for agreeing to come along. Did you forget to sign the Cerebus waiver when you came aboard?”

 

Stepping down into the bedroom fully he could see two plates with crumbs of food on the coffee table. Had she been with Kelly previously? He didn't even know she swung that way or maybe she had been with someone else and just forgot to clean up. There were at least a couple of guesses about who she could be with or find of interest. The smooth talking drell and the equally devoted and well in shape Jacob.

 

“That? Oh I thought was paper used for wiping my "butt with" as you humans would say.”

 

This set Shepard laughing again.

 

“Did I interrupt something?”

 

“No, me and Kelly were just finished up.”

 

That sent his mandibles moving but she only shook her head.

 

“Don't get dirty Vakarian, it wasn't like that.”

 

Putting his hands up in a defensive position he looked around trying to see if maybe she had just moved the photo some place else. “Wasn't going to say a thing, just didn't know she was your type.”

 

“You would be surprised who is my type.” Lifting her gaze from the data pad she looked over to him. “So I am assuming you came here other then to tease me about my interests, what can I help you with Garrus?”

 

“Two things.”

 

“Just two? Hmm alright I am listening.” The smirk was set on her lips and he saw her heart rate fluttering a bit higher, likely due to all the teasing and banter between them.

 

“Well I need some funds.”

 

“Sure how much?”

 

She did not even flinch when he asked and he was amazed as he thought she would ask first before just agreeing to just let him have the funds.

 

“Are you not going to ask what for?”

 

She only shrugged. “I trust you Garrus and I don't think you would be asking me for money if it was not something important.”

 

He nodded slowly. “It is.” The extra funds would get him solid intel about Sidonis and where he had hid himself. He hated asking Shepard but the funds he had left certainly would not be enough to pry some lips open.

 

“And what is the second one?”

 

“Access to the Cerebus databases.”

 

“Done and done. Anything else?” Dropping the data pads she moved around and started cleaning up the plates. He still had not found the picture and wondered if she was really done with Kaidan – no it didn't matter.

 

“You know you can tell me if you are with someone. I won't judge.”

 

“Don't believe the rumours Vakarian they are wildly inaccurate.”

 

He shrugged. “Just lending a shoulder if you want to talk about it.”

 

She paused in front of him her heart rate spiking as she got closer and he wasn't sure if it was anger he saw or veiled secrecy she was trying to hide.

 

“No, there is nothing to talk about.” He watched her for a bit longer watching her heart beat dance all over the place and then seem to settle to a higher pitch. She is hiding something and eventually he would find out who she was secretly admiring or if it was still Kaidan. Maybe that was why the photo was gone, she had it somewhere secret so no one would know she still harboured feelings for him.

 

“Besides I believe it is you that needs my shoulder.”

 

His mandibles moved wondering what type of rumour was going on now about him. “Oh?”

 

She moved up the stairs. “Omega? Or did you forget your promise to me?”

 

He shook his head as he started to follow her seeing as how she was making a move to leave her room.

 

“I didn't forget, it is just not the time yet.”

 

She shrugged. “When it is let me know.” Her omni-tool chirped and she just ignored it. When it chirped again, she still did not even glance in its general direction.

 

“Ignoring someone Shepard?”

 

“The Illusive Man. Figured I would make him wait before I contact him.”

 

“He's not going to like that.”

 

“He can kiss my ass.” She smirked. “Sorry, just so far I feel like the guy has been yanking me around. First Freedom's Progress then Horizon. Something deep in my gut says to never trust him and I have a feeling this next thing, whatever he wants to talk about is not going to make me happy no matter how lucrative or whatever.”

 

He nodded in his understanding. “But you can't ignore him forever.”

 

This time her smirk lifted a little higher. “I can certainly try.” Stepping into the elevator he shrugged his shoulders and let the silence sift over them. It was never an uncomfortable silence between them which was nice. Sometimes he felt so awkward not having a bridge to end the conversation or way to carry it. With Shepard it was the camaraderie they held that made the transition from a conversation to silence seem seamless.

 

 

* * *

 

Her hands shook and he could see her heart rate still beating out an erratic beat, she was pacing the floor of the shuttle. They had only seconds to get to the Normandy as the Collector Ship stared to power up. It had been playing dead for some reason, whether it had really been taken out of commission or not did not matter. The ship was the same one that had been chasing her for a while, it was responsible for her death and destruction of the first Normandy, it was the one there to torment Horizon and now this.

 

“I swear -” Her anger was flared up possibly to mask the fear he saw glinting in her eyes. Clenching her fists she hit the side of the shuttle as they made a quick dock before the sudden jumping to FTL. He would not feel any better until they were so far from the damn ship that they could see it coming systems away.

 

“Shepard we are away from it now.”

 

“No thanks to that lying shit head.”

 

Jack just sat smirking at the choice of Shepard's words. The words “I told you so” seemed to be plastered all over the biotics face. And even he knew Shepard had felt wary about responding to Illusive Man right away, she had mentioned she felt he was deceptive and up to something. Now she had just been proven right and the fear of being blasted away by the same ship that had ended her life warred with the anger at the Illusive Man.

 

As soon as the shuttle finished decontamination protocols the door opened to Miranda waiting. Shepard just raised a hand and shot her a look that seemed to sear her mouth closed. “Not a word. I don't want to hear his excuses from you. Get that lying bastard on the comm I have a few words for him.”

 

“He is already on and waiting.”

 

“Good.” He saw her flex her fingers out of the fist she had been holding before putting her hand back into a fist. A part of him warred that he should follow and another side told him to wait and let her cool off before seeing how she was. Right now the emotions were too close and she was likely to snap at anyone or lash out. Since Miranda was tight on her heels he had no envy for the woman and being trapped in the elevator with a severely pissed off Shepard.


	16. Good bye to you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Diverging a bit from cannon. Shepard takes a moment to say good bye to Kaidan.

**Text Conversation between Leeta Cassus and Commander Shepard**

**LC: So, saw you walking off with that sexy turian friend of yours. Anything happen that night?**

**SH: No. Our friend was drunk didn't seem like the right time.**

**LC: You have some twisted ideals or maybe you are a better friend then I.**

**SH: You would have made a pass on him?**

**LC: A what?**

**SH: Made a move, done something?**

**LC: That kind of guy, you bet.**

 

* * *

 

She shook her head a little at the conversation. The turian woman knowing just the right thing to goad her into action. But there was still somethings that needed to be taken care of, somethings she felt she needed to get off her chest, somethings she needed to put to rest. Staring at the data pad for a long time her fingers hovering over the letters, she could feel the words bubbling and finally taking form. It had been so long since she had written anything. The one thing she had always counted on being a skill of hers whether it was good or bad, she had always prided herself in finding the words to express herself like she never could vocally. But the words never came when she wanted to talk to Kaidan. The words never seemed right when she wanted to talk to Garrus or Tali or anyone really.

 

Even in written or typed form the words never came. Now the words were so eager to be free and say all the things she wanted to say. Slowly a finger pressed on a letter, then everything came like a surge of emotion. The tears lingering in her eyes as she poured herself out.

 

_Kaidan,_

_I am not sure if or when you will receive this. Cerebus could block this from getting to you or the Alliance will hold it on their end. Either way, I thought it was time I cleared the air in some way between us. For a long time I did not know what to say or how to say it without unleashing my anger at you. Everything you said at Horizon, it cut to the bone. I thought I meant more, I thought you would come with me and I could explain everything that happened. But nothing I said came out right and you were hurt, something I did not see until later. All I felt was the anger of your words and how it hurt me to hear you say those things._

_It took me a long time to see things from your perspective. To understand all that you were going through, to see a dead love before your eyes decked out in Cerebus colours. You saw the same atrocities as I did, you knew what they were capable of. I could have been a clone, someone brainwashed and made to look like the Commander Shepard you loved. Any number of scenarios including maybe in some small way that I had faked my death just so I could lie in bed with the enemy._

_Whatever you think, I am still the Commander Shepard you knew. I might have a few new skills, but I still remember the type of woman she was. She was hardened by life early, she was immensely afraid and hid behind anger and rough words to keep people at a distance. But I let you in, you made me feel like I could be better that maybe I was worth something after all. You made me feel that my past deeds did not define who I was as a person and that in your eyes I would always be cherished and loved. I loved you and it was not my choice to die that day, nor did I rig something up to make it look like I died._

_I died. Truly. One day you may see this as truth and realize that others were involved in bringing me back. I am not sure why, what made me special enough to bring back. But it was done and I did not consent to it. And yet now I feel like I have been given a second chance to actually be that person you saw, to be the better person and there are things happening to our colonies, no one wants to step in and help. The Council refuses to do anything and the Alliance is too busy on all fronts to lend their strength. Maybe I can save one colony out of the bunch, it may not be much but I am going to do my damn best and try to save more._

_There are also some people that need me here giving them a purpose, helping them out. Which is why I am writing. I have no clue if I am going to survive this mission. We are likely on a one way trip and I did not want to leave things unsaid between us. Because you are right it has been two years and no matter what I still care for you in some small way. I can't forget the things said between us or how I feel sometimes when I see your image or name. But I need to move on and I need you to move on too._

_As much as everyone believes I have not changed, I feel different, motivated to be different. This is my second chance and I do not plan on squandering it by living in the past. I have to close that door. I hope you understand. I spent a long time trying to find myself, be comfortable with who I am. I think I am in that place now to do all those things and maybe experience something new and scary. I want to take that chance._

_I hope you understand. I need to say good bye Kaidan, to you, to the love you gave me. I need to be away from the Alliance for now. I hope maybe one day we can be friends. Good luck, I wish only the best for you._

_Shepard_

 

 

Wiping the tears clinging to her cheeks away she put down the data pad and took a deep breath to steady herself. She could still feel the warring of emotions the anger boiling and raging wishing nothing more then to give Kaidan the lashing he deserves, the piece of her that still felt for him wished her to take back all her words and not say good bye to him, that there was still hope. But she knew that wasn't true. She had gone back and forth contemplating how she really felt. Parts of her warred in her mind and seemed to be indecisive. But something deep down knew this had to happen. If – if she was going to even approach something with Garrus she needed to figure this Kaidan thing out.

 

Getting rid of his picture had been step one. Finally getting to a point where she didn't wince or feel the sudden bit of anger at Kaidan's name had been step two. This letter was the final step. The bit of closure she needed to move on. To find a place where she could accept she might always feel something for Kaidan and at the same time realize that what they had was done and over. It had died back when she did, it just took her a long time to notice. Now there was a new possibility before her. Whether it would be fruitful or not she couldn't guess, but there was a part of her that felt confident enough to go forward and say something. If he wasn't interested well then at the very least they could maybe laugh about it after all the uncomfortableness was dealt with.

 

“Commander?” The comm broke her thoughts and she she put down the data pad.

 

“Yes Kelly.”

 

“Garrus would like to speak with you when you have a chance.”

 

Hmm maybe she would get the chance to talk to him after all. Plus she had an idea of what he could help her learn, that is if he was willing to go along with it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was made with the fact that at least in my mind Shepard would not have written Kaidan back in some way.


	17. Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garrus demands some answers after letting Sidonis go, but what Shepard tells him is something unexpected.
> 
> After Garrus' loyalty mission Eye for An Eye. POV Switches.
> 
> Note: Shepard makes more detailed reference to what happened in Chapter 6

“So what do you think?” She nudged Garrus' elbow with her own as they stood at the door of the main battery watching the bustle of the dinner crew.

 

“Hmm I guess, but are you sure? Some of the stuff is fairly boring.”

 

She shrugged a bit. “If I can sit through my own species history classes I think I can sit through whatever you can throw at me. Plus, it is not just about history, you'll be teaching me about culture, art, mannerisms, cuisine.”

 

“You're not thinking of becoming a politician are you?”

 

Laughing loudly she shook her head. “No, I don't think I would make a good politician, but you know instead of butting heads with politicians maybe there is a way to show I respect them and their culture in the proper way.”

 

He grumbled a bit, but she just smirked.

 

“Look we both know I don't have the patience to learn about using sniper rifles properly, I can't calibrate worth a damn, apparently I don't hear sub-harmonics.” She knew the last one was a lie or at least partially. She had actually started to decipher them, at least in part. How long this had been going on she did not know, but she knew it wasn't an exact science. Sometimes she felt she had the tone and meaning right and was wrong or vice versa. It also wasn't fair she had been using their combat recordings and chats in the field to test her theory and well – she flushed a bit at her own lurid thoughts.

 

“So there has to be something other then gun and armour maintenance you can teach me about.”

 

Garrus grumbled but really there was nothing else he could think of and she seemed adamant to learn something from everyone. Seeing the drell moving in the shadows of the mess. He bumped her elbow back.

 

“So what does Thane teach you?”

 

“Philosophy and religion of the drell and hanar combined with martial arts.”

 

“You learn both at the same time?”

 

“Sometimes. Other times it is one or the other depending on the day. He also teaches me the art of being sexy as all fuck.”

 

His mandibles lifted at her last comment and he shifted a bit. Glancing over to her she looked over to him and let out a loud laugh garnering some looks before people looked away. He could see her face flush at her admission.

 

“I can appreciate the look, but how sadistic do you think I am?”

 

He watched her through his visor, the way her heart beat jumped up and the pink flush travel up her neck to her cheeks. There was a glint in her eye. He wished she had sub-harmonics so he could find out if what she was saying was how she felt or just her teasing him.

 

“I don't know Shepard, you did love to torture us in the Mako – now the Hammerhead. Makes me wonder.”

 

The comment set her laughing again.

 

“Aww come on, I'm not that bad of a driver.”

 

He harrumphed a little. “No? Hmm maybe I should start sending you my physical and mental therapy bills.”

 

She snickered again.

 

“Well I can't be as bad as Alenko. I mean he drove like my grandma and still nearly got us killed.”

 

“True, but he never launched us down a mountain at break neck speeds.”

 

“I got impatient.”

 

This time is was his turn to snort and laugh.

 

“So should I be prepping for the rumours about you and Krios?”

 

“Uh no – tempted yes, going for it no.”

 

She heard Garrus grunt a little and rumble, she wasn't sure if it was doubt she heard or shock. It then suddenly dawned on her how upfront she had just been. She had just come out and told her best friend, the guy she was finding herself more and more attracted to that she found someone else attractive. Real smooth there Shepard. Sighing she watched everyone move here and there.

 

“Well I'll let you get to your lesson planning. You still sure about the Sidonis thing?”

 

He nodded his head and she shrugged her shoulder hoping that when they got to the Citadel that maybe she could change his mind. She hoped that when they found the turian in question that there might be an excuse waiting to stave off his death. She knew how much this meant to Garrus, how the betrayal went deep. She just hoped she wasn't going to be stuck standing between a bullet and a money grubbing idiot. Hmm, your luck is not so good Shepard.

 

“Try to get some rest.” But she knew him, she knew how it clung to him, she just prayed she wouldn't lose a friend over this.

 

* * *

 

 

“Shepard why? Why did you do that?” His voice was raised and she could almost feel the anger and pain in his voice. It stabbed so deep into her and made her doubt the decision.

 

“Garrus -” She tried to plead with him by her voice alone but knew it had no effect as he shook his head.

 

“Don't. Whatever excuse or lie, don't. I need to know why.”

 

She sighed and pushed a hand through her hair.

 

“Fine.” Looking over to Thane she gestured to him. “Go ahead back to the Normandy we'll be back in a bit.”

 

She could see the drell was reluctant to leave her, was it worry that Garrus might lose himself and hurt her instead? No she had to believe that no matter the anger they were good enough friends to never hurt each other physically, they might do some mental or psychological damage, but never physically. Course she could be all wrong. Gesturing to Garrus she walked away from the awaiting sky car and began to walk in the opposite direction along the upper walkways only frequented by security, maintenance staff or the keepers. Gloriously no one other then the keepers was milling about them this time.

 

Bringing up her omni-tool she had to re-direct a couple of times as the changes of the Citadel had altered the path to her destination. Behind her she could hear the deep grumble of anger and rage. She knew he felt cheated and that his chance at vengeance for the death of ten good men and women had been snatched from his grasp. The place she was taking him was a spot she had discovered the last time she had been on the Citadel and deep down in the Wards. She knew it was private and as far as she knew no real surveillance but the trip still took them a way leading to more aggravated huffs behind her.

 

Once she got to the spot she stood watching as the keepers scuttled to and fro beneath them. Gripping the guard bars of the railing tightly, she thought of what she was going to say to him. What way could she say the words, to convey that the vengeance he was denied was good? She could feel him beside her bristling with impatience. Sighing loudly, she felt the constriction in her chest. She couldn't loose him, but she felt like she was on the edge. Their friendship and everything else hinged on this moment. He may never forgive her, or may never look at her the same, he could leave but he'd know the truth.

 

“Garrus.” His name broke from her lips, but it was so weak she wondered if it even got to his ears. Gulping passed the pain in her chest she kept her gaze on the keepers moving below.

 

“I know you've heard of the Torfan story. How I sacrificed a lot of my team just to get off the planet, how I did what needed to be done to get the job done. But that wasn't the way it was.”

 

“Shepard.” She could hear the irritation thinking she was stalling him.

 

“It has context, please let me continue.” When the subdued sounds of air recyclers poured back over them she took a breath and continued. “No one ever wanted to listen to my side when I told them the reasoning behind the choices I made during Torfan. They thought I was just ruthless. It wasn't that. It was because I saw the way to get out and it not be a complete suicide mission. Because the few I could save was better then none at all.”

 

Closing her eyes for a moment she took a deep breath. “But my choices rubbed a lot of people the wrong way. No one ever says it but afterward during the time when I was questioned I had guards on me for a while due to the death threats I received. Families angry I had not brought their son or daughter, or wife or husband, or whatever back. They thought I had chosen my own back over those that died and maybe it was a bit true. I didn't want to die, but my options were minimal at best and if I went down then the others would have be right after me moments later. The plan I used was straight out of the box of convention.”

 

“Anyway, for a while I received some nasty emails from people telling me how much they were going to hurt me, but as the years passed they grew lesser and lesser. I thought they had moved on like I did, moved beyond the past that changed their current lives.”

 

Opening her eyes slowly she looked back onto the spot she had stared at earlier. Taking a few measured breaths, she could feel whatever he held in anger slipping to a dull simmer.

 

“During the lock down of the original Normandy. After running into those Terra Firma people.” Breath hissed out of her lips and she tried to think of how to say it.

 

“Old memories came back to haunt me. A couple of people in the crowd among the Terra Firma group remembered me from before. They thought I was mocking their leader when I refused to lend my support. It opened old wounds. It festered and those that sought vengeance saw a means to enact it.”

 

“Shepard – I never heard.”

 

She shook her head. “No one ever did.”

 

Gripping the railing tighter she took a breath the memories of that night flooding back into her mind. The muffled cries, the screams – horrified faces. Everything came searing back into her mind enough to make her shudder.

 

“They waited until I was alone in the Lower Wards. They saw a chance to get that a pound of flesh needed to be taken from the great Commander Shepard. The pound of flesh they had been denied.”

 

“I was attacked.”

 

She could hear him rustle as if about to interrupt her and she just waved him to wait. Soon he would understand. Soon he may look upon her with hate or disgust in his eyes.

 

“They took me and bound me in some place. Those that wanted to hurt me got their chance, they knew where to hit me so it wouldn't show outwardly. They sliced into my clothes. Some wanted to go further – to degrade me to show I was not the great Commander Shepard. It terrified some of the others they left but their faces and whispered names were scorched into my mind.”

 

The tears of remembrance brushed along her eyes. She could feel them swimming in her eyes as she tried to choke them down. The more she described the more she could not contain the tears and they fell like the silence she had held over this event. Only one other had known about this event and they had been sworn to secrecy when they patched her up. She hadn't used the Presidium doctors as the news would have traveled surely and it had been bad enough asking for help as it was.

 

Beside her she could feel Garrus bristling with anger, with empathy, with disgust at the horrors visited to her that day. Then she began to detail her vengeance on those that harmed her. How she sought them out and caused enough pain to triple what happened to her even those that never touched her she enacted her vengeance. How she became a reviled monster.

 

“Vengeance only breeds more of it. Where was the victory? Theirs against me or me against them? I feel no joy in what happened, what I did. The vengeance ate me alive, it turned me into something I thought I was above. Trust me – all the anger you have now everything you carry. Vengeance is not the answer.”

 

Slowly wiping away the tears.

 

“I understand if you don't want to follow me anymore. I can't expect – The crew needs some down time anyway. If I don't see you back on the ship in 48 hours I'll have my answer.” She turned from him quickly and started walking away at a brisk pace she couldn't hear his words, she couldn't stand to see the eyes staring at her claiming her as monster. The tears ran hot over her cheeks as she fled until she found a place to still her heart and the pain nestled there. In time the pain of losing him may dull, but she felt today was not such a day. Garrus had always meant more to her and now he knew there was a darker side to Commander Shepard, now he knew that ruthless barely fit the bill.


	18. Across the Bar - Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After his talk with Shepard Garrus finds himself in a bar on the Citadel nursing his emotions. He finds himself drawn to the dance floor and something more is revealed.

He sat at the bar, the drink cooling between his digits as his mind wrestled with a thousand thoughts. His anger at Shepard for her interference between his vengeance against Sidonis had simmered. In fact he felt guilt for his anger now, especially after everything she told him. He had no words for how he felt, how her words made him feel. It was the second time she had been bared before him, the truth of what she carried with her all the more real. She had let her guard down again and brought her emotion to the forefront. It stabbed at him how raw she had left him feeling. Her words buried deep into his hide and his thoughts of cheated vengeance gone.

 

He had been feeling since after Illium that everything between them was getting back to normal. They laughed freely together, teased each other relentlessly, ate their meals in a comfortable silence. The thoughts of her before had diminished, heck he was half a step away from trying to find that young turian woman at the bar on Illium and going for a little offered stress release. He had heard the news stories the same as Shepard had every time they visited the Citadel. How people were torn about the news of her return, how she was working with the enemy. He had heard everything that could possibly be said about the Commander.

 

But now he knew more about Shepard, more then maybe he ever wanted to know. So as his mind swirled he walked. He wasn't sure why he was here. He certainly did not have the mood for being in a bar, but his listless travels had brought him here. He hadn't been able to say a word before Shepard fled from him, likely running from his response or reaction. And he had royally messed that up by not going after her. He should have gone after her.

 

Everything he had felt during her tale, the temptation to settle the score for her. Had she said she hadn't taken care of the business he knew he would have made it his twisted mission to do so for her. But then she would likely find a way to stop him leaving him back here. He knew he wouldn't leave the Normandy, he always saw himself on the ship no matter what. The ship had more of a feeling of home these days then his actual home back on Palaven. It was the one place he felt he could be himself as much as he could be.

 

He knew for certain how his family felt about running off with Shepard a second time. He had broken the news to them after the Horizon incident and got nearly the same reactions as the first time. His mother was too ill to say much she just told him to be safe and he promised he would be back before her illness could get worse. His father saw the lie but did not say so himself. They shared their niceties but he knew the veiled disappointment when he heard it, the under tones voiced all of his fathers unhappiness at his choices and he ignored it all. His sister teased him relentlessly about the announcement, she mocked his infatuation with the 'Great Commander Shepard.' But he heard the concern at all her snide comments and teasing. He also knew she would take good care of their mother. His sister had the sense to put things on hold and go back home. Why did he not feel that tug? He had given up a lot in his life to follow his father's direction and not disobey and then in swings Shepard and his life was all over the place. He couldn't turn his back on her now. There was something noble about what she was doing that called to him.

 

A hand clamped him hard on the shoulder and he was jolted out of his thoughts as a body bumped into his.

 

“Hey Garrus!”

 

Looking over he noticed Lamont from his C-Sec days.

 

“Lamont, what are you doing here?”

 

He had been tuning out the music the whole time or what type of bar this was when he entered. It should have figured he would subconsciously pick a place that may be off the beaten path but frequented by C-Sec and other security officials. His eyes drank in the various C-Sec and other private security forces intermingled in the crowd.

 

“I could ask you the same thing. I heard a rumour you were back saving the galaxy with Commander Shepard.”

 

The place had the usual type of lighting for a place like this, although, he was amazed to see a dance floor in the far back corner near the washrooms. Definitely not a usual bar for most and he doubted that dance floor saw a lot of action, but it was a spot for those off duty looking to blow off a bit of steam and catch some drinks before heading home. The music was still loud but definitely did not have the same thrumming beats like you would find in the Dark Star.

 

“You heard correctly. Just out for some R&R while we resupply. What is new with you? Still slumming it for C-Sec?”

 

He didn't know what Shepard was doing and he worried a bit about her state of mind. She shouldn't be alone and yet she was the one who ran from him. Maybe he should send her a message letting her know he was still in this mission for the long haul.

 

“Yea, made Lieutenant though.”

 

Snorting lightly, “Took you long enough guess the human in charge isn't riding you as hard as Pallin used to.”

 

The conversation opened up after that. They shared stories and jokes of their time underneath Executor Pallin. The times they would get to go up to some of the more posh places of Presidium to break up some drunk diplomat defacing property by relieving himself all over it. The offers they would sometimes get while on the Presidium. He didn't divulge too much about the mission with Shepard just said it was important and left it at that. Turned out Lamont had even gotten passed first base with a girl and was getting married next year. Although, he had joked he had his doubts Lamont really found a girl and was secretly in love with some other C-Sec officer named George.

 

It felt good to laugh and joke. The thoughts from before haunted him, but he preferred enjoying this moment and some of the looks he was getting from some of the females further down the bar.

 

“Damn Garrus. I don't know how you do it.”

 

“Do what?”

 

“Keep the women away. I mean every time on the Presidium at least five hit on you per day.”

 

“Well – um always best to leave them wanting more.”

 

“Ha! Is that your secret weapon or are you just in the closet?”

 

“In the what?”

 

“Oh you know batting for the other team.”

 

He shook his head not getting the point.

 

“Alright, 20 credits says you can't go pick up – her and take her home.”

 

He didn't see where Lamont pointed as when he looked over the crowd that had been gathering at the dance floor closed back over the gap. Usually he wouldn't have gone for the dare and told Lamont to shove off but his mood was high and the alcohol was loosening a few of his inhibitions. In fact he was starting to forget why he had been driven to this bar in the first place. Stumbling off the bar stool he started walking toward the crowd at the dance floor about halfway there he turned back and shrugged. Even with the throng of people he was tall enough to see two asari dancing along with a couple of human guys and a turian female. But which one had Lamont pointed to?

 

Shuffling through the crowd he tried to figure out why there was even a crowd. Everyone has seen the asari dance at least once and he knew the female turian would not put her clan to shame by dancing in an embarrassing way. It seemed to be only the humans that did not count for the usual and did whatever they pleased. But there was a murmur in the crowd, someone whispering something and another saying it couldn't be. He didn't catch the name but it had been how the crowd had formed. Maybe it was a Spectre or someone else of public notoriety dancing on the floor.

 

Nudging his way to the floor he watched a few of those that were watching step out onto the floor and begin their moves. Some danced like they had been taught, others danced freely but knowing how to move with the music, some just moved frantically reminding him a bit of the way Shepard danced. His eyes watched the asari swirling, hips and hands swaying, the turian female danced to her own mantra but right in tune with the music. Their eyes caught for a moment and he gave his tilt of admiration. A smirk played over her plates and he hoped this was the one Lamont meant as he hadn't seen the man since he had left the bar or who he pointed to. This would be a nice distraction and he couldn't say he did not enjoy the view of the woman dancing before him.

 

An elbow nudged into his side and he saw Lamont at his side with a big mug of beer. The deep bass thrum of the last song died out and was replaced by some strange keening instruments.** Several shuffled off the floor or departed from their voyeuristic watch of the floor obviously they were wrong in who they thought was here. Even with the slow tempo of the song several remained including a human female he caught now with her hair down and back to him.

 

“Actually, I bet you 20 credits you won't go on the floor and dance near her.”

 

“The turian?” He felt emboldened by the challenge, but it was now Lamont's turn to shake his head and he pointed to the human female dancing. His initial inspection of the floor his eye passed over her, but now he caught sight of her still with her back to him her hips rolling back and forth in a sensual arc. Suddenly he could feel the heat rising in his suit, his mouth falling dry but his eyes refused to move. Lamont nudged him again almost as if saying come on man get on with it and he found his feet shuffling onto the floor. He saw the female turian perk and he felt himself caught. Humans had never been much of a thought for him, at least not until Shepard and she was the oddity to the norm. But now he was equally riveted by two choices. One seemed a guarantee – the other likely not, but that did not stop him from appraising her as he danced closer to her.

 

He noted the twirl of her hands circling the air, he saw her sway, bend and pivot in such a way that it called to his primal self. Heck he had not even noticed he had stopped paying attention to the female turian and was now looming closer to the human female. Well Lamont was going to miss those 20 credits. The pants the woman wore were almost tight against her flesh and had the smell of a type of hide on them. The shirt was equally tight and hugged her curves in such a tantalizing way. Her hair swayed and shimmered like silk moving like an extra appendage. She wore a special type of perfume, flowery but musky. It was something he didn't think human females would wear, it was certainly not something he had smelled before. It thrummed into his nose as another exotic part of her that made her a bit more alluring. He had yet to see her face fully and was half tempted to whirl her around just to get a glimpse.

 

But he kept his distance watching as she moved with grace, her whole body in tune with the music like she lived each day for a moment to just be free. When the music died and turned up he moved back toward the turian female hoping she did not mind his curiosity of the human female that danced as if each piece of music was shaped for her and her alone. He danced with the female turian for a bit, keeping his mind off the fact there was a very sultry human behind him. Damn it Vakarian pull it together! He felt certain he had a sure thing right in front of him, so why did the human female he hadn't gotten a good look of plague his thoughts?

 

He knew why. It was his detective nature, a piece of him always looking to ferret out information, get a person to talk in one way or another, to find the next clue to lead to his answers. There was something that kept drawing him back to the dancing human.  The music had changed twice so far since the initial song that pushed him onto the floor and for each one afterward he noticed how the female human moved almost perfectly into each change of the music.  Her dancing was hypnotic and he was drawn back.  His mind swam in all his thoughts until he turned once and noticed the turian female was no longer dancing with him. Damn. A sure thing and he had just blown it by not paying enough attention to the cues she likely had been giving him. Damn.

 

Turning about he headed to the washrooms before deciding to try and find Lamont again. The mystery woman would for now have to remain a mystery. Finding the nearest, empty stall he stepped up and fiddled with the latches in which to relieve himself of his armour and the urge to expunge his bowels. The buzz of alcohol still made his head light and he leaned a bit on one arm pressed against the wall, his eyes closed and for a moment he was swallowed by the noises of the music from the bar and the sounds of the restroom.

 

“I'm telling you that is not her.”

 

“I swear it is her.”

 

“Isn't she like six feet or something? And there is no way she is that skinny. Have you seen the vids on her.”

 

The revelry was broken and he pulled himself back together shaking his head and snapping his eyes back open.

 

“That is just the armour she wears. Trust me that has to be Commander Shepard.”

 

At the sound of her name in the restroom he felt his pulse quicken a little. Putting his armour back in place he moved slowly within the room listening intently as the two humans argued about whether it was Shepard or not. He wasn't even sure who they were talking about, but if she was here – He sighed just not sure of what he could or should say to her. Washing his hands he moved to the door but listened as the two humans bickered back and forth. As he came to the door some piece of his brain seized the moment and blocked their passage.

 

“Which one do you think is Commander Shepard?” He wondered if they would notice him at all or just think he was a nosey turian.

 

“Ha, see even the turian doubts you.”

 

The other man chuffed but pointed out to the dance floor where the one singular female continued to dance like the music was her dearest and best lover. She moved in a way that was hypnotic and pleasing to the eye. When she moved her head her face pointed up to the light and at that instant something in his stomach dropped. No it couldn't be, but the more he watched all the signs were there. He had seen her dance before, remembered the jerky arms motions and legs that only moved side to side. Watching her now she glided across the floor, her body moving in such a fluid way.

 

His breath hitched for a moment finding it hard to remove his stare. If she knew he was here and maybe that was the point after all. She had sought out a place that wouldn't be readily frequented by the crew due to their affiliation. It was also likely the one place she might not be noticed right away. Looking over to the awaiting humans he knew what he needed to say. She had come here for privacy obviously and he would not break it, even though he was tempted to call her on it.

 

“No, that is not her.”

 

“See I told you man. Commander Shepard would never be caught down here.”

 

He nodded his agreement following the humans as they left the restroom and headed toward the bar. It was only a shame his visor was on the wrong eye, he may have been tempted to film her dancing moves if only as proof of all that he had seen. When he looked over to the floor and saw her still there her body possessed by the music and moving in such a hypnotizing and erotic way it made his temperature spike again. No – he backpedaled away finding a spot at the bar where he could still admire the view of the dance floor.

 

Questions came about why she came here, what drove her here? Why was she dancing? The last he had seen her she was running away with tears on her face. Now she looked carefree, unburdened and yet as he watched her she did seem sad in a way.

 

“Hmm, I can see the allure of humans.”

 

He was brought out of his thoughts by the words at his ear and found the turian woman from the dance floor looming close. The strong markings across her face were clear to see and the way the lights hit them he noticed the green colouring. Something tugged at him that she seemed familiar but he could not place it. Either way he remembered her on the dance floor and how she looked at him. Tearing himself from ogling Shepard on the dance floor he looked over to her.

 

“What? Oh hmm hadn't noticed.”

 

The turian woman chortled. “You know if you are going to lie, you might want to try someone who isn't turian.”

 

Damn. Caught.

 

“You caught me.”

 

The turian woman stepped closer almost invading a bit more of his space the scent he had caught off of a then unknown Commander Shepard seemed to be coming off the turian woman as well. His brow plates shifted wondering if the Commander was having a liaison with this turian woman. He remembered the Commander being very casual and stating that he would be amazed at who she found attractive. Was this another mystery he simply just would not understand about her?

 

“Hmm, although, I really can't blame you. They might look all the same, but watching her dance on the floor I could see why someone might get a bit distracted.”

 

He cleared his throat a little, feeling a bit warm at the sudden candor of the turian female. The scent she wore along with her own was twisting him about. Her rumble, was saying something else that hit his ear and carried way, way down to his groin plates. A part of him felt a bit ashamed at being so suddenly turned on, another part urged him to go for it and there was the last little part that flashed him the rolling hips of the Commander as she danced. He groaned just a bit and he could see the proud face of the female.

 

“So what part of her are you thinking of running your tongue against? The hips, maybe her thighs, ahh maybe her neck?”

 

Her words were hitting him in all the right spots, if he needed to move it would be quite uncomfortable with how his plates were shifting and he could feel his cock moving of its own accord. He tried to beat down the sensation to keep calm and not be overcome by this but it had been a long time since he had been with someone and there were urges telling him to stake his claim now. Her hand touched his shoulder as she leaned in just a bit closer.

 

“She loves the thrum of our voices, just can't get enough of it. Too bad she is a bit more interested in males, although, if a certain turian on her crew doesn't make his move soon I'll give her more then enough reasons to switch sides.” A naughty smile curled on her lips as she pushed away and moved behind him. “Good seeing you Garrus, take care of my girl out there.”

 

Then she departed quickly leaving him in a sad state. His mind going over her words until the sudden realization hit him. That was the woman on Illium, the one sitting with Shepard before he wound up there. Leeta. Shit. And just with a twist of her words she had inflamed his passion for Shepard all over again. He hoped she wasn't going to go out there and tell Shepard he was here, he would be caught and have no excuse for not approaching her.

He watched the dance floor for a while almost anticipating he would be called out and Shepard would notice him sitting at the bar staring. Instead the tuiran woman Leeta seemed to be a real devil and brought Shepard close so the two could dance in a very provocative way. At least in a way that he noticed several other turians turning to take note. Suddenly his space was broken as he felt Lamont nudged him.

 

“What did you say to drive that turian away?”

 

Shrugging he shook his head. “Nothing, just bad luck I suppose.”

 

Lamont grumbled. “Join the club. Someone felt sure that woman on the dance floor was your Commander Shepard, but seeing as how you did not notice her or say anything I am out 20 credits.”

 

“Plus the credits for me dancing near her.”

 

Lamont grumbled. “Are you sure that isn't her?”

 

“I've seen her dance. Trust me that is not her.” But he pointed his visor in the direction and recorded a few things. Something inside felt the need to watch and protect her, but until only minutes ago he hadn't even known she was here. He knew she was having fun with her friend and enjoying herself. If she did not live in fear then why should he worry? But he knew he'd keeping watching for as long as he could.

 

“You know there was a rumour going on that you and her were a thing.”

 

“What is with all these rumours?”

 

Lamont just shrugged not sure of what to say. “You were always there in the vids and stuff, just a lot of people figured there was more there.”

 

“Well there is not.” Or is there? He still fought with himself feeling assured there was no way she could be interested. But Leeta had just come out and said she preferred males and even jested with him he needed to get a move on or she would snatch the Commander away. Did that mean there was a chance? What if they were more? Maybe someone saw something he did not. Could he chance it? Could he chance saying something and being horribly wrong? He tried to reason that he didn't care but he knew that among everything else that was a lie. He cared for Shepard more then he thought was right, more then a friend should given the circumstances of what they were up against. There wouldn't be another, at least not right now. He would either need to come clean about his feelings or let them remain hidden until he could find the time and place to deal with them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ** The song that starts to play is the Ubiquitous Mr Lovegrove - Dead Can Dance


	19. Say Something

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard finally decides to broach a certain topic with a certain turian.
> 
> POV shifts between Garrus and Shepard

**Text Conversation between Leeta Cassus and Commander Shepard**

**LC: So have you told him yet?**

**SH: No Things are a bit complicated.**

**LC: Complicated my hide. Just go up to him and tell him you want to ride him like a Tabuk.**

**SH: I am not going to say that.**

**LC: Or even better tell him you want to ride his Thander gun**

**SH: You mean the Thannix Gun.**

**LC: Yeah that thing.**

**SH: I just don't think it would be prudent.**

**LC: Why not? Give me one good reason.**

**SH: If he had any respect for me he certainly does not have it now.**

**LC: Still not following.**

 

**SH: I told him about a piece of my past I am not fond of. It is not a thing to tell if you wanted to be painted in a positive light.**

**LC: Did he say that?**

**SH: No of course not.**

**LC: So why don't you find out what he really thinks before you go jumping to conclusions?**

 

**SH: I don't know.**

**LC: You died. You were brought back. Most don't get a chance like that. You told me there were things you wished you said before. Why waste this opportunity?**

**SH: Because he is hurt and I have burdened him enough with everything else he doesn't need this.**

**LC: How is this a burden?**

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

**LC: I am sorry about before. I shouldn't push you. I just - I just think you are wasting an opportunity, a chance. I just don't see why you are so worried.**

**SH: What if I hurt him? What if I break his heart?**

**LC: You humans are weird. You just say you want to work out some stress. Come on, if it doesn't work out at least you got a chance to test it out under the veil of casual sex. No strings, he'd understand.**

**SH: What? What do you mean he -**

 

**LC: Haven't you ever been with someone and it has been just about sex, not what the future holds but just the moment of being together?**

**SH: Yes.**

**LC: Then go tell him you'd like to work out some stress with him and work out all the other crap afterward. You are just torturing yourself this way.**

 

Leeta was right. She had always been right. It was strange that someone she barely knew had become such a fast friend. She wasn't one to open up easily but Leeta beat to her own drum, she carved a path for herself and it often left her feeling a bit in awe of her. All the things she might hope to be, all the things she wanted to be. In a way she felt challenged by Leeta to do better, to be more herself. It was hard when there were old habits hard to divert from and of course the added bonus that she just might lose those closest to her if she really unleashed herself.

 

But Leeta had been right.  She had lived and regretted some of her actions. She had not been more herself and let her voice go unspoken. Now here she was. Garrus knew more about her then even Kaidan had known. He had seen her weak and broken, he heard of how the Great Commander Shepard was nothing but a monster lurking beneath the surface and yet he stayed on board. He was either a glutton for punishment or all those parts of her didn't scare him. He was still willing to stand beside her, so where was the issue in mentioning they start something?

 

Fear. Fear plagued her to putting an actual voice to the words that had been swimming in her head ever since Illium. The 'What if's' chased her more then the mountain of data pads she usually had to sift through. They threw all the doubt at her. Before she would have just said something, come clean but this – this she feared because she didn't know if she really had feelings for him or if her sudden inactive libido just decided to wake up and hone in on the turian. There was so much indecision and yet Leeta's words dangled like a fruit just in reach. “You don't know if you don't say anything.”

 

All the uncertainty could be for naught, maybe he looked to her and was just as interested. Or maybe he never considered her. But what was the reason in holding back if she didn't at least say something? Sure things might get a bit awkward but some how she had a feeling that even if it wasn't meant to be it would be something they could both laugh about when the time came. She was going to do it.

 

 

* * *

 

“Hey Garrus have a minute?”

 

Garrus barely looked back. “Oh hey Shepard. Come here for a second.”

 

She stepped closer and he kept gesturing with his head until she stood next to him but far enough away to give him his personal space.

 

“I need an extra set of hands with this calibration. Here put your hands right where mine are.”

 

“What?”

 

“Come on Shepard help me out here.”

 

She shifted for a moment uncertain and then stepped closer to him. The scent of the perfume she had been wearing the night at the bar had long been washed away but he thought he detected a tiny bit and it set him on fire. She reached over and put her right hand where his was, the connection of their two hands seemed to make her flush and he kept that as a good sign. Slowly moving away he backed up to give her enough room to maneuver over and reach out her left hand to cover where his was pressing down. From this angle he could see the flush rising, her tongue darting out to wet her lips, her heart racing. The connection of their hands set her pulse at a higher rate and he took a bit longer to move away, brushing himself a bit on her arm. He moved behind her for a moment and reached to the right side brushing against her arm as he pushed one spot. The line of her back went a little stiff as he maneuvered behind her, enjoying the way she seemed to have difficulty containing any reaction she had at his motions. He moved over and pushed a few panels before telling her she could stop pressing the panels.

 

Moving away slowly he could almost sense why she was here. She wanted to clear the air and make sure they were okay after letting Sidonis walk away. He still hated letting him go, but maybe she was right, maybe there was something that could be wrought of lending mercy, but there was more he needed to understand. Shepard had been pretty clear on the rules with the team. He had seen her stop Mordin from shooting his once protege, she had stopped Miranda from shooting Niket even if it meant the man died anyway. He knew more about her and yet still felt uncertain as to why she pushed others to be better but did the reverse herself. So when she opened up to see how he was after the mission his second question to her was why.

 

What he didn't expect was more honesty from her. He thought she would coat it with some type of pleasantry or tell him it was her duty. Instead her answer more mirrored someone trying to make everyone better by her actions. She wasn't looking to save them, but more looking to give them a chance to see other possibilities and that maybe in saving a life, pulling the gun first she was somehow saving them and herself. He knew she liked to believe she was the monster everyone talked about and whispered about, but he knew it was more then that. He knew she was not as battle hardened as everyone thought, that she felt remorse, guilt, anguish. Shepard was like everyone else and yet tended to take too much onto her shoulders thinking she was the only one to bear it. Maybe that was why he told her the part about turian ships and the recon scout.

 

* * *

 

 

What had just happened? She stood in the hallway outside of the main battery with a small smile plastered all over her lips. There was the barest recollection of what had just transpired. Had she just propositioned Garrus? It seemed impossible given how nervous she had been about saying anything. And then the words just flowed out of her mouth just like that. And Garrus hadn't been repelled or disgusted, he didn't look at her any differently and yet with all he knew about her now he still wanted to give it a try. She had half a mind to go back and ask him why.

 

She needed to tell Leeta this, after all it had been at her urging that she felt convinced enough to go for it. But first things first, she needed to wipe the silly grin off of her lips before anyone grew wise. Taking a few shaky breaths in she started to move again her feet taking her through the mess in record time. Calling the elevator she tried to recapture all that was said between them. She had been so nervous, so unsure of what he would say, but the minute she stepped in her worries were washed away. He was willing to talk and was open with her and everything after that just flowed away. He wasn't judging her but he had asked some very strange questions about the decisions she made. Questions no one else ever asked, that just went with what she did. But he needed to know the why and understand her actions. He may not have liked what she said or how she described it, heck she wasn't even sure what she said made sense, but she thought Garrus understood.

 

 

The fear, panic and uncertainty came later when the elation faded. All the emotions came crashing down as she wondered if this was the right course of action. Had she just done the most stupid thing ever? Pacing in the starboard observation lounge she felt torn and the anxiety was tearing her to pieces. There were so many pro's and cons to her actions. She needed someone who wasn't Garrus to hear her out, to listen to her and give her a clear line of thinking that wasn't bogged down in emotion. Her initial thought had been to go to Tali, but she felt bad for always dragging her into her life battles.

 

She needed a cool head and someone outside her small clutch of friends and someone who was neutral. It was why she sought out Samara and came to her room it seemed at the precise moment when the Justicar was not present. It was odd for the asari to be away from her room. She almost always found her sitting before the view window staring out to the blackness of space and the twinkling of stars. Each second ticking away drove the anxiety higher until she found herself doubled over and gasping for the air.

 

EDI's crisp voice broke the near silence. “Commander I am noticing you are currently experiencing elevated heart rate and erratic breathing. Do you wish me to get Doctor Chakwas?”

 

“No.” She barely squeaked out and lifted a finger to tell EDI she needed a minute, not that she was certain she could see her where she was in the room.

 

Calm breaths, calm down. The 'What if's' continued to spiral and cloud her mind.

 

“Should I get Garrus?”

 

“No.” That came out more forceful then she wanted, but having a near panic attack over this could not be good.

 

“Get me Samara – please.”

 

“Right away Commander.”

 

Within moments Samara entered her room and stood calmly at the entrance allowing the door to close behind her.

 

“You had requested me Commander?”

 

It took her a few moments to get herself under control, but the presence of Samara always helped calm her. Whenever she saw a very high emotion mission it helped to get a perspective from Samara. The asari had a calming effect and was very clear minded, had a view that was singular and different from the rest of the crew. Slowly her breath came under control and she was able to right herself. You are coming undone Shepard. It was so rare for her to show this much of herself blatantly in front of another. She should have got herself under control first before coming here. Standing up slowly she smoothed out her uniform and took another slow breath in before letting it go just as slowly.

 

“I'm sorry Samara.” She sighed feeling very much like a child letting her emotions get away from her. She had prided herself on being the one no one could read, her stony or sometimes playful expression being the mask she wore and kept others at bay.

 

“No need to apologize to me Commander. Is there something I can assist you with?”

 

“I was looking for a clear mind on a topic.”

 

“Certainly, come let us sit.”


	20. Alpha and Omega

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A private moment between Garrus and Shepard and Garrus opens up about Omega.
> 
> POV switches

He saw her lift a long bit of thread and curse once more when it became more tangled. Clearing his throat he took a step forward even as she struggled with the task at hand. He had seen her stitch her own garments before and didn't think giving her this task of creating a turian stolla would be difficult. Seeing her now though it seemed he misplaced the idea of one skill easily aiding the other. Huffing loudly she threw down the pieces.

 

“I can't do this. The instructions hardly make sense.”

 

She growled now to show her frustration and kicked at the pieces before standing up. Stretching out her limbs she paced around the space of her stool hoping anything would come to her. He had never seen her this wound up, even during fire fights she always seemed to have a bit of a cool head, even when everything did not go exactly as planned. Now he was seeing a side of the Commander likely unhappy that she couldn't just pick up something and be perfect at it. And that was the issue he supposed is that everyone seemed to think she should be perfect at everything. Her training in the special ops school meant she was trained in every weapon, in every school of combat, she was meant to be the perfect soldier.

 

Since Torfan she was cast into a certain light of perfection and had become the model for all other soldiers. Maybe this was why she was angered at her inability to do something that seemed simple. That ideal that she should be perfect did not always happen. Grabbing the second stool he pulled it up to the little work area and sat down. Picking up the strands he sheared away the tangled bits easily. Hmm time to blunt his talons again. Tossing the tangled strands over his shoulder and tapped her stool with his foot. The noise caught her attention and she turned from her angered pacing and constant growls.

 

“This is a lost cause Garrus.”

 

“You wanted to learn.”

 

“I know but this seems to be one of those things I am not good at. Like my dancing.”

 

He chuffed a bit but decided not to give it away that he had seen her dancing, truly dancing and either what she showed in public was an act or – he wasn't sure why there was a difference in her dancing. Tilting his head as if saying 'Come on', she sighed before trudging back to the stool.

 

“Turian children learn this at an early age.”

 

She plopped down onto the stool and huffed. “For what purpose?”

 

“Well before the advent of machines we weaved and sewed our own clothes.”

 

“Huh, are you telling me turians didn't learn how to make their own armour first?”

 

He could see the smirk on her lips.

 

“No we did not. Now stop trying to be smart I am trying to teach you something.”

 

She huffed again which he took as consent to continue.

 

“In the early days each family made their own version of this for when we went to service. Eventually over time it became more of a family symbol and less of a religious one.”

 

“Like your colony markings.”

 

“In a way yes, but these are more personal and there are usually three or more per family and each can vary in length.” He weaved the strands between his fingers being careful to go slowly so she could see how he placed each strand. The colours he had picked he figured suited the Commander and in a way all he knew about her.

 

“Usually when two decide they are going to join together, they begin to weave together the beginning of theirs. A part of the bonding ceremony is the the next piece they weave as well as taking their personal stolla and weaving them together to show the joining of two families. Then after a year they take part in creating a family one unique to their house, while they continue to weave the one they started before they were married. Usually the length of the house one is determined by how many children and then grand children they may have. The personal one between them may grow when they reach milestones or events in their life they wish to mark. They also make their own to wear to service. Over the years people have stopped wearing their own but it is often used in basic.”

 

“Why do they use this in basic?”

 

“Gives the commanders an idea of what type of turian you are. Someone who rushes to complete it likely set to be a soldier. Those that take their time likely snipers. There are small indicators in the way someone makes theirs that shows their true self that few others would notice.”

 

She huffed again. “And what about those that fail to do this?”

 

“I don't know, never known a turian that can't.”

 

“But I am not turian.”

 

“Hmm well Shepard this wouldn't be the first thing you broke or couldn't do.”

 

She watched him move the strands, sitting a bit more on the edge of the stool to get the right vantage point. The stilled air between them moved with their breathing. Reaching out with her one hand she stilled his fingers prompting him to go a little slower. Still she she couldn't get how he was doing what he did with the strands to create the stolla. Standing up she moved herself to look at the strings from his vantage point.

 

At some point whether it was when she touched his hand or when she stood up, something made her acutely aware of how close they were. It sent her stomach in knots and the unconscious quick hammer to her heart. The urges to reach over to cup his face in her hands, to trace the colour of his colony markings, to kiss him played out in her mind. These along with a thousand other thoughts had been haunting her more and more since she had made the proposition and Garrus agreed. Now she stood so close to him she could barely keep herself on task.

 

The heat that came off Garrus warmed her chilled limbs, even in his armour she could still feel a bit of warmth radiating from him. It drew her closer to him, the scent of him – metallic, hinted with something like the smell of the earth after a rain fall and a hint of leather. It was unlike the scent of human men where they smelled more of cologne/after shave, sweat and deodorant. Both had their pros and cons, but Garrus' scent seemed to gently tickle her nose and travel to a spot in her lower stomach that fluttered to her groin. It may may have been why she at first didn't notice the shift in the air that he was speaking.

 

“None of us ever said it but there was a bit of pride being a part of your crew on the original Normandy. A human ship and the Commander accepting all of us. You asked us questions, made us feel like we were worth more and not a burden. Even after we all left the ship you kept in touch, you kept that feeling of welcome and worth going.”

 

The air of their little area changed and shifted a bit from the lurid thoughts she had been having and simmered. The serious tone brought her the revelation that the topic of Omega might be revealed. It was enough to chase any thoughts away. Slowly she shifted away from beside him and moved back to the stool.

 

“Those of us not there felt separated from those that were. Their survivors guilt carried with it the sight of watching the ship get torn to pieces. And when you were gone there were those of us waiting on the report it wasn't true. As the weeks passed each of us clung to the hope it wasn't true, some more then others. Each of us handled our grief differently. Kaidan locked himself away from everyone and when he finally came out he buried himself so deep in the Alliance no one knew where he was. Being with C-Sec drove me to the brink, all the red tape, all the rules tying my hands. Without you around to tease me, to goad me, the will to put up with it drove thin. I found myself at bars more drinking the grief away, lonely nights spent with women I didn't know and didn't care to know. No better then Harkin.”

 

“Garrus – I...” What could she say? That dying and coming back had been her grand scheme. It had not, she knew one day she might die in space or in the field of battle, her death by the Collector Ship had been unexpected and yet when it came to her end she accepted it. She never knew the pain that her death may have caused others. When she tried to find more words she was halted with a gesture and look from Garrus.

 

“We didn't blame you and yet we did. It compiled on our feelings and the more time passed the more our hope faded away. I barely lasted a month with C-Sec, even the promise of upcoming Spectre training couldn't hold me to the Citadel.” He took a deep breath in and her eyes were squarely on his face, watching his mandibles move and the shake of his head and fringe.

 

“One day I saw this little girl hiding behind some bins on the Presidium. She had been sold to some dignitary that wanted children but couldn't have them. This young girls' planet had been raided and she had been sold and bought on Omega. No matter how I tried to keep her from her new masters she was found and there was nothing I could do to stop them. It drove into my heart thinking that this little girl could have been you, that you may have been taken to slavers and just the thought -” She could see the pain welling in his eyes.

 

“There were always things coming out of Omega, tainted eezo, merc groups looking to exploit the system, slave trade. By the time it got to the Citadel there were so many rules and regulations that tied our hands from stopping it. Omega – the place where a little girl was sold to the highest bidder. If there was a place that deserved a bit of a cleaning it was Omega.”

 

“So I cleared out my credits from the bank, sold my apartment and booked myself passage. I didn't anticipate things being easy but I didn't realize how rampant the corruption was there. Even with all of the Citadel's issues and rules it still maintained some semblance of the law. On Omega there was no law, no rule other then the usual cardinal ones you learned fairly quick. One of course was not having your money all in one place. Nearly lost my entire savings from very skilled pick pockets.

 

Finding just one place to make a difference was tough, there wasn't a corner you could turn without something wrong staring you in the face. Knowing when, who to attack without being on someone's shit list was tough. I was lost, I thought I had a plan and then getting to Omega I realized I had no idea what I was doing. I spent my days getting a lay of the land, knowing whose territory was whose, who were the big players and the little players. A lot of people took advantage of me being the new guy in town, I got gouged for a hole in the wall dwellings, got charged more for armour, more for food. I was barely scraping by and still hadn't done a thing in Omega except give it my savings.

 

Eventually I found myself at the lowest point, scrounging for credits just to make it through the day. By then I could hear you in my head just laughing at me. You'd tease me about Omega, about how dumb I was to leave it all behind and be some vigilante on Omega when I didn't have a clue of what I was stepping into. I felt like I was losing my mind and then that is when I saw my first break, my first real mission. Always knew the tainted eezo came from somewhere, just never knew which group was in charge. I guess scrounging for credits had its uses. I didn't have much of a plan but by then I had very little to lose.

 

For the next few months I scraped by causing problems for Jaroth and the Eclipse mercs. By then I had found an old hideout of a minor group dabbling in slave trade. Barely anyone noticed when they went silent. But on my excursions I was getting noticed, I never did anything big unless I knew for certain I could bug out, but there were others like me, those that lost something either because of Omega or when they got to Omega. I didn't intend for a team, but they came anyway. They saw what I was doing and wanted to help.

 

There were a good few months I ignored all of them, hoped they would get the hint and screw off, but I don't know after a while it was nice to have someone watching my six and having an extra set of hands on a job meant bigger pay back to the merc groups and more damage caused. We hit some pretty tight areas sometimes, but we pulled out with everyone still in tact. I missed you but the crew started to grow on me, your voice teasing me grew smaller until I thought that maybe, just maybe I was done grieving over you and ready to move on.

 

The team became like a little mismatched family and I was their leader and father figure. And then it all got ripped away. Sidonis tricked me away from the base, said it was personal that he needed my help setting something right. It all fell apart. I was attacked and by the time I realized it was all a setup it was far too late for the team. They thought they had me beat, alone without back up and I started to hear you again telling me to keep it together and come out alive. I was back in that dark place, with my back against the wall and merc teams out for my blood.”

 

Slowly she reached out her hand again not certain of what to say or how to say it really. For a moment there was nothing said between them and they sat in silence. But there were no words, what Garrus had gone through in her two year absence had changed him. She could see now why he buried himself away in the Main Battery, why he had been so reluctant to talk for a long time always telling her to come back later. He was afraid. He was hopped up on stims and too little sleep, afraid he was dead and imagining she was back, afraid that once he realized she was real that being close to anyone ever again might be tough. They both had their walls up and unwilling to see how broken the other party was. Now the air was open between them and something growing from the time spent together.

 

“Okay. Let me try.”

 

He moved the threads gently onto her fingers strand by strand. Taking a deep breath she shifted the thread as she seen him do and looked up to see him nod his head. Then she moved another and another until she was at the end and shifted the threads in the opposite direction. Looking up again she could see him nod.

 

“See no problem Shepard.”

 

Smiling a bit she noticed their closeness again but the lurid thoughts had been chased away. They had both shared something deep and profound between them. Clearing her throat a little she nodded.

 

“Thanks Garrus.”

 

“No problem Shepard.” He sat back a little. They sat in silence for a bit longer before he finally got up and began to adjust his armour.

 

“I'll leave you to it.” With that he turned his back and walked away. Damn him. He had no idea how quickly he could make her a puddle just by moving and speaking. But she'd give him his space and not push no matter how much a certain spot throbbed and longed to be touched. No, she could be celibate a little more for him. Two years, two weeks, she would wait a long time for him.

 


	21. A Little Something

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garrus over thinks his status with Shepard.
> 
> POV shifts slightly.

His omni-tool beeped, glancing up from the diagnostic he was running he opened up the message without even glancing at the sender. “Want to join me for a drink? The lounge is free.”

 

A subtle and yet inviting offer, one that he couldn't think of a reason to decline. Typing out his response he closed up the diagnostic he had been running and decided to head to the bathroom to straighten himself out. Sometimes he could go hours and days calibrating or working on a formula before realizing how much time had passed. Usually Shepard's training or random visits by the Main Battery kept him on track, but she had been unusually quiet the last few days. Maybe what he had told her about Omega had made her regret wanting to start something with him.

 

Looking himself in the mirror of the mens bathroom he could see the large bandage covering one side of his face, it was easy to see why she might lean to regret. There were a good number of reasons not choose him, the glaring one was staring right at him. He was turian, she was human and no matter how she teased he had a doubt that she could be attracted to him or his species. Taking a deep breath in he supposed it was time to face the music. Stepping out of the bathroom he headed for the lounge wondering what to expect. Would she try to be cool but distant, open but nonchalant, icy cold?

 

When he walked in he spotted her on the couch relaxing with her drink on the table and a poured drink for him next to hers. Her eyes were fixed on a video playing over her omni-tool. As soon as she noticed him enter she paused the video and patted the seat next to her.

 

“Come here, you have to watch this it is hilarious.”

 

She was open, warm. Maybe humans broke things off in different ways. Taking the offered seat she waited for him to get comfortable before rewinding the video. Moving closer she sat back and maneuvered her omni-tool more into his view.

 

“I poured you some turian brandy, hope you don't mind.”

 

“No, it is good.”

 

A few seconds passed in silence before the video started. Was this a roundabout way to soften the blow? Sighing he waited and watched. Before the first few scenes started Shepard was giggling, obviously she had seen this video before hand. About half-way through she was cackling out loud, her one arm draped along the back of the couch. He did have to admit the scenes and antics were hilarious, even though he saw no fewer then fifteen different Citadel rules being broken. Once the video was done Shepard wiped some tears away that had gathered in her eyes after laughing over the video.

 

“Okay, what is up Vakarian? Thought this would be sure to crack you up.”

 

He nodded slowly, but her cheery mood slowly changed.

 

“Garrus?”

 

He huffed a bit. “Look Shepard – if you want to end this you can just say it.”

 

The smile that had been on her lips shifted.

 

“What the heck are you talking about?”

 

“You haven't been by in a few days -”

 

A soft smirk played along her lips, her hand on the back couch shifting to the back of his armoured cowl.

 

“And just me not being by a few days makes you think I am ending our – hmm liaison?” He could feel her hand slip up along the back of his neck, cool fingers touching his plates and inching up to his fringe making it harder to make a decent argument.

 

“Well... wouldn't you rather have something a little closer to home?”

 

“If I wanted closer to home I would have asked them here.” A playful smirk was ghosting on her lips and her hand was steady on the back of his neck.

 

“So why haven't you been around?”

 

“I'm sorry Garrus. I wasn't trying to avoid bothering you for you a few days. You know give you a few days to decompress, plus..”

 

“What?”

 

“I have to go to Omega to help out Samara. I... I didn't want to go without you, but -”

 

“Oh. I see, that is all?”

 

Her hand ghosted up a little higher up his neck inching closer to the back of his fringe. “Well...”

 

 

“Shepard.” Her name barely left his lip plates and he wasn't even sure he had said it. “Tell me about kissing.”

 

He wasn't even sure why he had said what he said or what prompted him to say anything at all, but after days of watching vids, visiting forums and more, he had seen and read there was something about kissing that he didn't quite understand. Her hand inched back down his neck with the playful smirk on her lips.

 

“Is that what you really want to ask me about?”

 

“Well I've been doing some research and it seems you humans do it a lot.”

 

“Humans? That almost sounds derogatory Garrus.”

 

“What would you say if I asked you about turian brow touches? What does it mean in your culture?”

 

“Well it can mean different things. To a mate touching brows means you are cherished, loved, beloved, cared for. Family it can mean all those things but in a platonic way in a family way.”

 

Shepard shifted a bit in her seat nearly kneeling on the couch. Slowly she bent forward and touched her lips very gently to his mandible. He had been kissed before by an asari and never saw the appeal, now with Shepard's lips on him he felt very curious to feel a kiss again. She pulled away slowly, her voice low and thready.

 

“Well for humans it can mean the same. We kiss to say hello, good bye, we love you, good night, good morning. A kiss can be shared between loved ones, friends, family.”

 

Slowly she shifted herself so that she was straddling him, the weight of her seemed so light in comparison. He had held her before but never in quite an intimate manner and he had no idea what to do with his hands. Should he put them at her waist or further up? The vids were all well in good, but gave him no pointers when Shepard just took the rule book and threw it out the window. Her one hand was still rested at the back of his neck as the other ghosted up over his armour. Damn it why had he decided to wear armour?

 

“Feel like getting a little hands on experience?”

* * *

 

 

Damn that turian. Pushing a hand through her hair, she re-adjusted her uniform a bit before stepping out of the elevator hoping she did not give herself away. Her heart was still hammering away and she was sure her cheeks were still flushed from their little hands on moment. Nodding to Kelly Chambers she decided to do some rounds of the ship before heading to bed. She needed something to take her mind off the throb that had moved from just a dull ache to a full on aching need. Damn him. Picking up a few data pads she decided to go check on Joker.  Her snarky pilot always had a few words to share with her and give her an honest opinion, besides it was entertaining to listen to how he was dealing with the EDI situation.

 


	22. The Game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garrus and Shepard play a dangerous game. 
> 
> Post Samara loyalty quest. POV switches

“Hey Garrus – think fast.”

 

With a heft she lobbed the scope at the turian as he looked over their next few missions. He had a fraction of a second to look up and put his hand in the right spot or miss the scope all together.

 

Snatching the scope just barely he growled a bit at Shepard. “You know you could have handed it to me.”

 

“What and not get a chance to test your reflexes?” She was moving now back toward the elevator, smirking the whole time.

 

“There are other ways to test that Shepard.”

 

“Promises. Promises.”

 

Well the missions on Omega must have gone well. She had asked him if he wanted to go, but the memories were still a bit fresh and the name Archangel might still cause some of the Merc groups to enact a little revenge.

 

“I am taking it everything went well on Omega.”

 

She nodded her head lightly and the smile plastered all over her lips said there was a story, her flushed cheeks said there was more to the story she wasn't telling.

 

“Hmm you could say that.” Then just as quickly as she had lobbed the scope at him she was heading out of the mess. He was half tempted to just let things lay where they did but curiousity won out and he stood up and headed for the elevator. He supposed he should be glad no one had bothered to look at the run time of the elevator as even his brief moment of internal battle meant Shepard still lingered by the elevator waiting.

 

“You know I should get someone to fix the elevator.”

 

He came up nearly behind her and kept his hand just inches away from her back and watched as her breathing shifted and he noticed the spike in her heart beat.

 

“Hmm I am sure it is on someone's to do list.” And he prayed it wasn't him, although, she would do it just to torture him. Except he felt that he may be torturing her right now. He could hear her sigh a little bit and he had to pride himself on knowing just the right tone to rile her up.

 

“I hate you.” She muttered lightly.

 

This only prompted him to make the gap between them smaller and huffed a bit of air along the back of her neck and shoulders. The growl alone told him he was pushing the right buttons.

 

“Just getting some hands on experience.”

 

“Doesn't that require you to put your hands to use then?”

 

“Who says they are not?”

 

She sighed a bit. “I'm going to get you back you know.”

 

“I'm counting on it.”

 

The elevator doors swished open and with it a slight gust of air brought the scent of her perfume he loved and a clear scent of her arousal. She stepped in and he followed trying to figure out what had gone on just by her physical cues.

 

“So... what happened?”

 

“If you had come with me you'd know.”

 

“Shepard...” He whined.

 

“Never said I played fair.” And he could almost hear the smirk on her lips.

 

“Two can play that game.” The flush was still strong on her cheeks and he stepped in closer toward her until he had her up against the wall of the elevator.

 

“Are we looking to not play fair Vakarian?” Her brow arched and her voice dropped to that octave he loved to hear.

 

Lowering his head toward hers. “Well are you going to tell me what happened or leave me guessing?”

 

They had been playing it fairly safe since their talk after Sidonis, but the look she gave him now told him that she'd like things to move to the next level. She was always respectful when he put a stop to things going too far even with the scent from her clearly marking her need and want of him. There was no more doubt about her intentions, it was just figuring out exactly how to proceed. The vids he watched certainly gave him some clues but there were so many areas one could start and it just left him more confused and flustered.

 

“I'm more keen to watch you squirm for the information.”

 

This made him huff and he put a hand very close to her head as he closed more of a gap. “I think it might be you who will be squirming.” He heard the noise of the elevator depositing them to Shepard's floor and he slowly stepped back watching the anticipation in her face shift and contort into a dejected sigh. He could hear her groan a bit but pushed herself off the wall and headed for her room.

 

“Well do you want to hear details?” She gestured with her head as she unlocked her door and headed in. There were two choices and his curiousity was still winning out.

 

This was the game they played. He mercilessly didn't give in and she withheld information. Usually he won, but she had come close several times to breaking his resolve. She supposed her kissing or moaning at his simplest touch had its right effect. Now she held the right cards and hoped she had enough resolve to hold out to the end.

 

Usually the moment they were alone she was all over him. Which wasn't a bad thing according to what he read, it just usually meant leaving early to stop things from going too far. He wanted to take his time, make sure he had everything right, he wanted to make sure that the nights alone dreaming of her touch ended just the way he wanted with her uttering his name in pure bliss. Last he needed was to make the experience uncomfortable or less then satisfying. But Shepard had a way with words and a way with her body that certainly tempted him. He should say more then tempted, his resolve to give in had nearly been broken twice and he was starting to wonder if holding out might drive her to another or reconsider her choice. Certainly someone would give her the release she so desperately seemed to crave from him.

 

This time though she just walked into her room. The game was afoot it seemed. She walked down toward the living area and he was tempted to turn back and go back to the mess. But if the game was on then he might get all his answers and have her still begging and aching for more and he was willing to chance the game.

 

Following her down to the living area, he caught her sitting at the furthest seat on the couch. She seemed to think she had some advantages which meant she was going to make this tough for him. Sitting on the furthest seat away from her he let his confidence for the game be known. There were rules to the game, only yes or no questions. The more yes questions he got right, the more he could move closer and do as he pleased, the more no's she got the closer she could get and do as she pleased. She had stopped voicing her answers a few games back after she noticed he was using her inflections to base his next questions.

 

Think about the mission she was on Garrus. He had to remember the details she had shared. She had to go to Omega with Samara and find her daughter and likely dispose of her.

 

“Did you find Morinth?”

 

She nodded her head yes but rolled her eyes as if saying come on Garrus. It was an easy question but it helped build his base. He moved closer one seat.

 

“Did she overwhelm you?”

 

This time she smirked before shaking her head no. He should have guessed that whatever asari tricks she might have may not work on Shepard. Heck she had mingled minds enough with Liara during their search for Saren that he should have figured it in. This time she moved a bit closer, obviously banking on her knowledge to outsmart him.

 

“Did you kill Morinth?”

 

Another no. Damn it Vakarian. Shepard had been textbook on being the one to halt everyone else from pulling the trigger what had been different here? They were likely both biotics of equal skill, so what would have been the turning factor? Ah-ha.

 

“Did you have to choose between Morinth and Samara?”

 

A yes and this time it was his turn to move closer.

 

“Did you choose Samara?”

 

Another yes. So this explained the mission, but not why she had sent back Samara and stayed on Omega for several hours coming back with a flush on her cheeks and that smile that said something.

 

“Did Morinth get to you?”

 

Another yes.

 

“So this is why you were out?”

 

Another yes and he was getting closer to her and winning again. He just needed to find out what happened during her time out.

 

“Did you go out to Afterlife?”

 

This time she shook her head no and he was perplexed. Okay she didn't go to a bar and work out some tension, so where did she go?

 

“Did you go to a shooting range?”

 

Another no and they were sitting next to each other. Shit. He needed to gain ground and fast, but his next two questions had her in a prime spot straddled over him. Each question afterward descended him further under her sway. His chest piece was gone and he could feel her blunted fingernails scraping slowly down over his undershirt. He tried to keep his head together, going over the questions he had asked and what she had admitted to. She had gone out, not to a bar or a firing range. But the sighing that came out of her mouth, the next two questions out of him dug him deeper into the hole he was in. Now his hand was firmly between her legs. He could feel the heat coming off her, the scent of her arousal driving him mad and the way she rocked her hips slowly against his hand that had his plates aching. He needed to turn this around and fast before he lost anymore of his armour. They had never drawn up rules about when too far was too far, they had never gotten that far because he was always winning and able to break away. Now she had him right where she wanted him.

 

“Did you go out dancing like on the Citadel?”

 

Suddenly she stopped and looked at him. There was a sudden need to shrink away and hide, unfortunately she was straddled over him making it hard to run before she kicked his ass.

 

“What are you talking about Vakarian?” Her voice lost that lusty quality and seemed to take on a fine edge of a razor.

 

“That's not how the game is played Shepard.”

 

“Fine.” She shook her head yes and he reached up pulling her hair tie out and watching the strands drop down around her head. She barely wore her hair down, but when they were together it was one of the first things he did. He loved the look of her face with her hair down, he loved touching the strands with his bare fingers and being in awe of the feel and texture.

 

“Did you see me at the Blue Lagoon after our talk on the Citadel?”

 

This time he nodded yes and he felt one of her hands brush over a sensitive part of his waist. The feeling sent chills through him and he could feel his plates separating.

 

“Did you go out with someone from the crew?”

 

She shook her head no and he felt the cod piece of his armour fall away.

 

“Did you see me dancing?”

 

He nodded his head yes and her hand trailed a little lower.

 

“Did you go out with Leeta?”

 

This time she nodded her head yes and he removed her top watching the strands of her hair flare and then fall back down.

 

“Did you like what you saw Garrus?”

 

He nodded his head yes and her hand snaked lower as she bucked against his hand again. Damn her.

 

“Did she turn you on?”

 

She nodded her head yes and now his hand came up and gently cupped her breast. The moan that came from her was pure sinful and the way she moved against his hand gave him more clues about how to touch her down there. How her hips moved against his hand, the way she groaned when his hand hit certain places.

 

“Garrus...” She sighed and he knew the edge they were dangling on was going to make it harder to be able to resist. Slowly he pulled his hand away and heard her moan again.

 

“Soon Shepard, soon.” She sighed again and slowly removed herself from the straddled position she was in.

 

“Calling this a draw?”

 

“Calling this my suspicion about Leeta.”

 

She shook her head but didn't move to pick up her shirt from the floor. “I know too coincidental. Illium was chance, the Citadel was an oddity, but this can't be a coincidence.”

 

“Do you think she is with Cerebus?”

 

“Might be. It would make sense, put an outsider in place to manipulate things to go a certain way. Keep tabs of the mission from the outside.” She bent over and picked up her shirt. “Or maybe she just really likes me.”

 

The smirk on her face spoke volumes. “Don't worry I am keeping safe when I am around her.”

 

“Good.” It took him a while to bend over and pick up his armour. Damn her.

 


	23. Conversations Before Omega 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tidbits of Conversations on the Normandy before the Omega 4 Relay

“Hey Mordin, have a minute?”

 

“Shepard glad you came by, understand -”

 

By the time Mordin was done speaking she was starting to regret coming by. How in the universe had he found out about her and Garrus? Sure they spent a little extra time together, but no more then usual and they had just barely started.

 

“Well speaking of blowing off some steam, I was wondering if you could help me with something.” She looked around wondering where the Cerebus listening devices were. Bending very close she whispered her intent to Mordin.

 

“Shepard, I did not realize things had progressed so quickly.”

 

“They haven't Mordin, but I have started to think about what I want in my life after the Reapers and everything is over and I'd like to do something else besides fighting and war. Just don't tell Garrus what I'm thinking, if things don't work out, there is a war on the horizon – but if they do work out I'd like this option I think.”

 

“Hmm will have to do many tests, will need DNA.”

 

“I am sure you can be creative with Garrus without giving away the intent. What do you need from me?”

 

* * *

 

 

“So, when did that start?”

 

“Oh I don't know. It is hard to tell with those two. One minute they are close, the next they are barely speaking.”

 

“You didn't tell her or Garrus?”

 

“Keelah, no!” Tali paused. “We all knew how Garrus felt back on the SR-1. He ran away after her death and barely talked to us afterward. By the time I got here nothing had changed on his end.” Tali looked around. “I figured if she didn't say something or notice it would give me a chance.”

 

“Oh, Tali.” Liara exclaimed.

 

“It was a dumb crush and I knew who he really wanted.” She sighed. “I was fresh on the Pilgrimage, so young, on this new ship on this crazy mission. Lonely, without anyone like me. He was so quiet, but we shared moments. I thought.”

 

“How did you deal with her and Kaidan?”

 

“I think I always knew what was going on, I just didn't want to see it like everyone else. Now maybe it is good I never got too close. Watching Kaidan and Garrus, losing her hurt us all I can't imagine being that close to her and losing her.” Shaking her head she looked to Tali. “Come on show me the rest of the ship.”

 

* * *

 

“You know everyone knows about us right?”

 

“What? Shepard..” She could hear the condemnation in his voice.

 

“I didn't say a thing I promise, just Liara mentioned it in her visit and then when I went by to talk to Kasumi she mentioned something, then when I spoke to Mordin he brought it up.” Her cheeks felt a little hot at the admission of Mordin. She of course did not mention how the conversation had devolved from talking about the draw back of cross species liaison, the vids and pointers offered to the sudden inquiry about procreation. A part of her still felt a bit crazy for even bringing it up. Heck they had barely gotten to third base and yet she felt a certainty about Garrus she had never felt about any other. She had felt certain that she would never want kids and yet now she felt her mind shifting to the idea not being so completely horrible.

 

She had opened up to Garrus and he had done the same. There were still a lot of demons they both carried but being honest with him was a start. It was a start she hadn't tried with any other so maybe that is why it felt different, why it felt right for once. Running her fingers along his cowl she looked up to him.

 

“So now that the whole crew likely knows...” She raised an eyebrow hoping he caught her not so subtle prodding about going further.

 

His hand slipped a little further down her waist almost to her hips. She sighed under the touch, her body closing the gap between them. Every inch of her wanted him to take her to throw her against the bulkhead and have his way with her. Instead she was likely to get some over the clothes action which would lead to her needing to take a very cold shower just to simmer the throb between her legs.

 

“Shepard.” He groaned.

 

“Hey can't blame a girl for trying.” She smirked before leaning in for a kiss.

* * *

 

 

“There is nothing on the scan that indicates there is a problem with the implants and all other scans are normal.”

 

“So there is nothing to explain the chill?”

 

“No, I am sorry Commander. Have you spoken to Miranda about this?”

 

“Yes. She couldn't find anything. I was looking for a second opinion.”

 

“Maybe it is psychosomatic.”

 

She sighed and shrugged. “Seems to be the usual consensus.”

 

“I don't have anything to prescribe.”

 

She waved her hand off. “It is okay.” She hopped off the bed wondering what brought along the chill. Maybe it was psychosomatic, maybe it was due to being in bed with Cerebus and knowing her one way out may be going back to the Alliance to be locked up forever. Smoothing out her uniform she looked out to the mess and watched Garrus moving about. This new lease on life had brought him to her, had given her a new chance to do something right to do it her way. Could she leave him behind? Could she say good bye to get out of the belly of the beast?

 

* * *

 

Shepard had come over the comm earlier advising the crew that after the next few missions they would be heading for the Omega 4 relay. A possible one way trip and she had told people to use this time to contact their family. He had thought to just send a message, let his family know he was okay but he wasn't sure when he would get be back. But then she had come over their private comm and asked him if he had spoken to his family yet, when he told her his plan she had begged him to rethink it. That even though she had no family, but if they were still alive they were likely be strained ties but she would speak to them. He had considered her words knew that she had lived years without family, without those judging her actions or worrying about her and her safety.

 

When he finally made his choice he had punched up the vid call without checking the time. Just as he was about to end the call realizing that it was likely either very late evening or very early in the morning the call picked up. Shit. He only hoped it was his mother or sister that picked up. Instead it was his father, by the cup in his hand it was very early morning.

 

“Garrus.”

 

Gulping slowly he ran a hand over his fringe.

 

“Dad.”

 

“A bit early to be making a call.” He felt the disappointment almost immediately and was ready to just end the call early and do what he had initially set out to do.

 

“Sorry, forgot the time.” He could feel the heat springing up along his face. “I can call back later when Mom and Sol are up.”

 

“No, I'm glad to have a minute with you.”

 

He gulped again and he was a bit stunned at the admission.

 

“A dangerous mission ahead?”

 

He nodded his head slowly. “Yeah – don't know when we will get back.”

 

His father chuckled a little and the sound surprised him. For the second time his father had surprised him.

 

“You are a terrible liar son. Even after all these years.”

 

“Sorry Dad.”

 

“So tell me about this mission son and that girlfriend of yours.”

 

“She's not - “ But he just sighed and started to talk.

 

* * *

 

“Shepard, you will not believe the conversation I just had with Mordin.”

 

A soft sigh came over the private comm they shared. Sometimes they couldn't always meet up and this had been his secret idea to be able to at least talk to her when he couldn’t. He still hadn't built up the nerve to try to dirty talk to her like some of the forums suggested to spice up a romance.

 

“Did it have anything to do with Mordin noting that sexual tension and release is normal and that we may be allergic to each other, but he could forward vids, lubrication and creams, positions?”

 

He took a moment the shock washing over him.

 

“How did you know?”

 

“I told you a while back that the whole crew knew right?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“And that I had a conversation with Mordin about it.”

 

The light bulb was slow to turn on.

 

“You were not the only one cornered.”

 

“Did he ask you to ...” How could he say it? It seemed almost too embarrassing for him to put to words.

 

“Be swabbed, poked, prodded. Yea think he enjoyed it too.”

 

“Did he ask you for anything else?”

 

“Well he did send me back to my room to capture...” She cleared her throat and he could almost sense the embarrassment. “A live sample during... you know so he could test my potential allergy to you. He didn’t specify how he was going to get a sample from you.”

 

“Ahh okay I think I get it. Glad to hear I wasn't the only one completely mortified.”

 

She chuckled lightly and he had to admit he enjoyed the sound. She barely laughed these days the closer they got to the prospect of going through the Omega 4 relay.

 

“Trust me you were not the only one mortified. Although, I guess I am glad he went to the source. Imagine if he had asked Tali.”

 

Now it was his turn to chuckle a bit uncomfortably.

 

“Hmm yes likely best he spoke to me.” There was a long pause. “So, do you need a hand with your end?”

 

“Depends on whether you want to leave this cabin stress free and not disturb or disrupt the crew.”

 

He could hear he smirk and cleared his throat.

 

“Right. I think you have it handled.”

 

She sighed again and he wondered what she was doing at this moment. Was she in the mess cabin reading over reports, checking on crew members and walking through the ship, or he tried to pull his mind back from thinking of her in her cabin alone and in less clothes then she might be in.

 

“I could always call though right if I needed a little...” Now it was her turn to clear her throat. “Motivation.”

 

“Maybe it is best we keep to ourselves for this.”

 

She sighed this time. “Might be best.” The last time they had been alone things had gotten heated a bit fast.

 

“So how did the talk go with your family?”

 

“Good, really good actually.”

 

 


	24. If All Else We'll Have Tonight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is a high risk mission, little time for games or second guesses. Shepard and Garrus finally spend a moment together and something unexpected happens. 
> 
> POV switches. Smutty, fluffy.

Here they were, brows touching with his breath warm along her lips and chin. She had been daydreaming and imagining for weeks now how it might go. There was a part of her that wanted the release, that needed to feel something, anything other then the yawning and sinking hole of possible defeat that clawed at her. She wanted to ask him why he hadn't come earlier. Why had he waited? Actually the first thing she had wanted to say when he showed up to her room with civilian clothes on and a bottle in his hand was how impeccable his timing was. She had hoped he would have been by earlier, before they made a run for the Omega 4 relay. She hoped he would have been here before the pressure of wondering whether she had done enough to keep her ship from blowing apart the minute it got through the relay or when it came time to test their mettle against the Collectors.

 

She had hoped he would have come when her mind wasn't sodden by the thought of her crew in the Collector's clutches, with the worry she might not get there in time to save them. Every inch said she had done enough. She had forgone further scanning for minerals and Hackett's mission just to go straight after the crew. And now as they stood brows touching she wondered if all the build up, all the teasing had left her unable to commit to the moment.

 

It felt like several long moments that they had been standing with their brows touching. His hand raised and brushed along her exposed shoulder. This was it. They either crossed the line or did not. She couldn't find the right words to say. So she tilted her head up a bit and looked into his eyes, those beautiful, seeking and probing eyes. The most brilliant blue eyes she had ever seen in a turian. Fingers lifted and sought the bandaged side of his face tracing the broken line of his colony mark.

 

“If you want we could always just sit and talk.”

 

She smiled a bit. “Don't tease me Vakarian, not sure I can handle it.”

 

Taking the opportunity he nudged her a bit with his head before his mouth plates met her lips. Kissing was definitely one of those things that could get her right in the mood. After their first few awkward fumbles the first time where Garrus seemed uncertain what to do with his tongue or her tongue in his mouth, kissing had become progressively better and more passionate. Garrus had become somewhat of an aficionado when it came to kissing. Some nights after an intense make out session she would remember the way his tongue moved around hers. How he could be so gentle and soft, how his tongue could curl and rub. She thought about that tongue often and where she would like it to roam and be.

 

This time the kiss was slow, measured and her heart beat kicked up a notch as both her hands landed on his cowl. His hands landed firmly at her waist his favourite spot to roam. She loved the feel of his hands on her, loved how he was so cautious with the pressure he dealt when things got a little too intense. She could feel the bottle of wine pushing a little heavily on her side and back. Breaking the heated kiss she started to chuckle at his enthusiastic groping.

 

“Hmm is that a bottle in your hands or are you just happy to see me?”

 

Garrus grumbled for a minute seeming confused. “Hh- what?”

 

She snickered a bit and nudged the bottle of wine in his hand.

 

“Sorry bad pick up line.”

 

“Those again? How many do you have?”

 

“A lot.”

 

Garrus grumbled a bit and she took his hand and started to lead him into the lower living area.

 

“Well they worked, I got you here in my room.”

 

His mandible flared a bit and he harrumphed, but watched her move. He had to admit the dress she was wearing was certainly suggesting something and doing that wonderful thing to her waist. She plucked the bottle from his hands and placed it on the table by the couch. He had often wondered what drove his initial crush. There was the respect and admiration sure, watching her in action he could see why she had a bit of a reputation. But over the weeks it had become more, but he could never pin point the exact root cause. Now he had several reasons lined up, one including her lightning fast quips and twisted bit of humour. There were other things that had started to make his list. Her super soft skin, skin that had no right being so soft, her eagerness when they were alone, the sighs and moans when he touched the right spot. He spent weeks collating data, finding the spots that would bring her immense pleasure even when he ached to take things further like she suggested.

 

“Don't want a drink?”

 

“Hmm maybe later.” She closed the gap and her lips were on him again. His hands were back on her waist listening as she sighed between kisses. Lifting his left hand, he rubbed it along her back until his hand found the small of her back, that spot where it dipped down to her ass. Tracing small circles along her back as one of his fingers slowly inched up the zipper line enjoying the way her hands moved against his clothes and circled around his cowl.

 

She wasn't sure who moved who closer to the bed. There was a hazy moment as they kissed when his mouth left hers to begin licking and nipping along her jawline and then dipping lower. All of her previous doubts about being in the mood sank away, leaving her with the steady throb between her legs as he nipped along her favourite spots of her neck and shoulders. Now her mind was fueled by one thing and one thing only.

 

Her hands were on two different missions, one wanted all of his clothes off while the other refused to let his mouth move from its current ministrations as her fingers dug a little roughly into the back of his head.

 

“Garrus.”

 

The way she whispered his name in that tone. There was a part of him that just wanted to stop with the slow exploration of her body, turn her around and take her like he wanted to. But he was a turian on a mission. The things he had read and watched had mentioned how hard it might be to bring a human female to the peak of orgasm. If tonight was about anything, screw his feelings and everything else in between he knew what he wanted to give her. He supposed that is why Mordin had forwarded some of the vids and why he required testing his allergy to Shepard. He was more then willing to take whatever precautions or medications to watch her come undone by his hands or his tongue.

 

Skimming his fingers along the zipper at the nape of her neck he could hear her moan low and throaty. Spirits. He would never tire of hearing her this way. His mind had once pondered if she were faking it, he read human females could do that too, but after enough behind closed door sessions he knew when she was being fake and when it was her natural reaction. Pulling the zipper down very slowly he heard her groan even as her body pushed against his.

 

Fingers gripped a little harder at the back of his neck and the temptation was strong to mark her, to make her his. But he had to push the thoughts away, he had to push away the primal instincts when they reared their head every time they were alone. He knew this might be only a fling for her, a need that required a release. He had never inquired about Kaidan and wondered if the man had come along if he'd even be up here right now. So he did what all sensible turians did. He placed his emotions out of the scenario. In time maybe it would be more and maybe not. But he would not squander this moment.

 

Slowly the dress dropped from her shoulders and a bit of cool air brushed against her breasts and stomach causing her skin to raise in gooseflesh. Tugging a bit at one of his zippers she groaned a bit.

 

“Do you turians always wear such difficult clothing?'

 

Fingers ghosted up and down her bare torso sending chills through her and the aching need to feel his fingers elsewhere.

 

He lifted his gaze to hers and smirked. He knew what he was doing to her and taking enjoyment out of it.

 

“Not always. But I didn't want to make it easy for you.”

 

Growling a bit her fingers dug into the back of his fringe.

 

“I will remember that Vakarian.”

 

Then she slipped out his grasp but not before stealing the immovable visor from his face. She had always wondered what he would look like without the device on and she didn't think he would need the visor, it would likely get broken anyway. Before Garrus could snatch her back into his grasp she scooted away and flopped onto the bed. Rolling a few times she went to the far side of the bed and put the visor into the night table drawer before closing and locking it.

 

Looking over to Garrus she smirked. It was strange to see him now without the visor and almost at a loss of words. But now seeing him without the visor her eyes raking up and down the length of him, she realized how different he looked now. She remembered seeing him again for the first time back on Omega, stringy muscles, gaunt and a haunted but hard look in his eyes. Over time the eyes had softened and he became the Garrus she knew, the Garrus where gaunt turned healthy, stringy muscles turned to strong. Where even despite the Shadow Broker's intel he was her top go to person on most missions and she trusted his judgment above any others. He knew how to lead and she doubted any part of that would be hindered by her.

 

Her eyes locked with Garrus' and she licked her lips lightly. He looked so good. Every inch of him. He had no idea how much he turned her on, how a simple rumble could make her wet and wanting. Trailing her left hand down the side of her body, she sighed a bit at her own touch. Fingers brushed along the silky material of her panties, the last vestige of her clothing other then the heels she had yet to kick off.

 

She watched his eyes move along her body as his hands went to the zippers and catches that kept his civilian outfit together. Her own hand moved back up along her side and gently slipped along her left breast. Sighing lightly as her own hand kneaded her breast she closed her eyes for a moment imagining it was him touching her. The bed shifted a bit under his weight and when she opened her eyes he was next to her breathing heavily.

 

“You temptress minx.” He rumbled as his hand ghosted over her left side refusing to touch her but intent to watch as she shifted and shimmied.

 

“You like it.” She shifted closer, the heat and warmth radiating off of him. Her fingers splayed against his hide and creeping slowly down toward his sensitive waist.

 

He grumbled his confirmation of her statement before they kissed again. This time the kiss was needy, wanting. Through the kiss she sighed deeply as his hands finally touched her. His fingers trailing along her side making her jump a bit as the sensitive skin responded to the touch. Placing her right hand at the back of his head she deepened the kiss. No turning back now, not without someone's ego being hurt. But she didn't want to turn back.

 

Slowly both hands took hold of either side of her panties and watched as her hips shook and shimmied as he removed the cloth from her body. She was beautiful. There was a luster to her hair and skin that told of her recovery, she didn't look so skinny or so pale anymore. Her brown eyes, soft and lidded under his hands, the penetrating gaze making him feel more naked then he was. She saw him, she liked what she saw, he aroused her. Her scent told him she was ready, so eager and waiting, but there was the mission and as his hands roved back up her body he intended to keep to the mission no matter how she scooted forward pressing her groin toward his.

 

He heard her heels get kicked off of her feet and as he bent to lick at her naval he felt her one foot slowly trace the outside of his leg. As he bent his tongue higher her foot lifted teasing just a little around the sensitive hide of his spur. She had clearly been doing her homework. Swirling his tongue along the under side of her breast his hand moved lower teasing around her midsection and navel. For a moment her foot stopped its journey as her head tilted back a bit letting lose a very deep moan. Slipping his hand lower, her hips seemed to move as if by reflex and lifted to greet his hand as it inched closer to the spot of her undoing. Her legs shifted a bit further apart, her foot leveraging against his spur to give him greater access.

 

His plates shifted wide at the pressure of her foot on his spur and he groaned deeply as his tongue lavished one breast and then the other as his finger slipped between her folds and felt her slick and wet. Rubbing his finger between her lips he shifted it back up drawing her hips up and then her hips shifted slowly back down as his finger teased along the lips of her vagina. Lifting his gaze he could see her lips opening and closing after each pass, her sighs and moans the most sinful thing he had ever heard. His passage along the lips of her vagina began to speed up as her foot dug a little deeper onto his spur.

 

He felt his penis shift out and the urge to bury himself in her was stronger now as her flesh rubbed roughly against it. Her eyes shifted closed and he rubbed along the tender spot of her clit before dipping his finger low just to feel the wet and warmth awaiting him there. Every time he teased her she let out a long, deep groan.

 

She was so close, she could feel it. Her body ached for it, needed it. Her one hand beat down on the bed as the ache kept growing. Soon the sighs and soft moans became guttural.

 

“What do you want Shepard?”

 

Drawn out a bit she looked to see his face hovering over hers. No one had ever asked that question. She always hoped and prayed they knew what they were doing to hopefully get her off. His finger slipped low again and she moaned.

 

“What do you want?” His voice was deep, the sub-harmonics rumbling through her body.

 

“Don't stop.” She gulped out before he pulled his finger up again. “Right there.”

 

She sighed as he passed her clit again rubbing it roughly as he passed. She was so close. _Let me feel this_. And just as she thought it, the rubbing drove her to the edge and she let out a deep breath. “Oh Garrus.”

 

Her hand beat on the bed as she felt everything tighten and then release, spreading pulses and tingles up along her body and to every extremity. His hand continued to help her ride out the waves before she felt the tip of his penis gliding along the lips of her vagina. Slowly he entered he her even as her body still rode out the last crests of her orgasm. Glancing up as he shifted inside her inch by inch, she knew this was it for her. His eyes met hers and she sighed as he pulled out and then slid back in. He was the one. She knew it immediately, it dawned on her how much she cared and loved him.  Feeling him here with her, it overwhelmed her how suddenly the emotion came over her.  There was a deep temptation to say something, but she only nibbled on her lower lip as he thrust again and again his groin plates rubbing along the sensitive flesh of her vagina and clit. She could feel herself rising again toward another orgasm and she let out a loud moan not caring who might hear. Dear gods.

 

She was so tight and warm. The video's could never replicate this feeling, the way she tightened and loosened, how she gripped him. It took all his will to not lose himself the minute he entered her. Instead he kept to slow strokes, just to watch her body as he hovered above it. Her eyes so brilliant as they met his and he bent to kiss her and was greeted by a deep and tender kiss. He was half tempted to whisper how much he loved her, but knew now was not the time. Maybe when the mission was over, when there wasn't some mad dash to get the crew back he could tell her.

 

Pumping slowly back and forth into her, he knew he wouldn't be lasting long not with the way her body arched and bucked against his. He had seen her come undone, watched as her body tensed before the shakes rode over her body bringing her biotics to bloom. Being with an asari before he was used to the scene, but seeing it on her was pure bliss. Knowing he had brought her to that edge and over he'd be glad to do it again just to watch and see the look in her eyes and on her face.

 

Quite suddenly he felt her tighten and she grabbed him roughly as he pumped into her feeling the sudden second orgasm take over. Her walls clenched around him, her voice deep and throaty as the orgasm took her over and his resolve was lost.   The slow strokes were only murder as she clenched him again and again through her release.  He had barely enough thought and started pumping a little roughly into her before his own release overtook him and he was lost in the feel of her wrapped around him, moaning out as he slowly came down from his own. When he finally came down he shifted a bit to the right so as not to crush her. He could see the lazy smile on her lips before she leaned in to put her forehead against his.

 

Her breath hot on his mouth plates as the last orgasm still twitched over her skin. Drawing her close he wrapped his arms about her. Neither of them said a word, but as she touched his bandaged face she hoped that they would get through this mission and that one day she would find the courage to say the thing now lodged in her heart.

 

 


	25. Everything Is Not a Win

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After taking out the Collector's and after the Aratoht an end may be coming for Garrus and Shepard. 
> 
> Closing off Mass Effect 2. POV changes

She was used to doing the impossible and winning, getting to Ilos defeating Saren and Sovereign, saving the Citadel – win. The loss came in choosing Kaidan over Ashley, but she had gone with her gut and maybe a bit of her heart when she made the choice. She believed she had picked the soldier that best outfit the team. After Horizon she had often wondered if it had been the right choice, wondered if Ashley would have said something different and internally she thought she would not. While she didn't know Ashley well during the time she had her on her ship she did know the woman's feelings behind the atrocities they found created by Cerebus. _I would have been that atrocity back from the dead._ Either way no conversation would have gone well.

 

Death was another thing she had conquered as well. Not quite by choice, but Cerebus saw a danger coming over from the darkness and brought her back to save people, to stop colonies from going missing. She was going up against the impossible again. This time there were a lot of other factors involved, more of her team at risk. And yet she did it again. They got through the relay took out the damned ship that took her life two years ago and gave pay back to the Collectors. She saved her crew from being turned into some gray goo and got back to the Normandy with all members intact. It was a win she shared with all giving them some time to relax, seek help if they needed it.

 

When she took on the task of getting Doctor Kenson she saw the impossible again and knew why Hackett had chosen her. Her choices of the past, being with Cerebus may not have always been sound but she got the job done. Except this time the price for getting the job done was too high.

 

He was down in the cargo bay the minute she contacted the ship. It had been nearly two days without communication and he had started to worry about what was going on. He hated not being with her on this mission. He hated not being there to watch her six. Most of all he was starting to hate the Alliance for putting her in the situation in the first place. Waiting by the elevator he watched her closely as she boarded, the harsh sound of her voice as she told Joker to get them the hell out even as she ordered a warning to be sent out to the planet. 

 

Pulling off her helmet she strode toward the elevator seeing Garrus waiting there patiently. She cringed at the thought of him berating her, wondering what she was thinking not going in with a team. The thing was he knew she had inquired about bringing a team, Hackett had said that if the Batarains caught sight of an armed team they'd shoot the Doctor. One person might be able to sneak in and get the job done quietly. And for the most part he had been right up until the point where she rescued Kenson and the alarms started going off. As she stepped closer she wondered what his first words would be. Would he blame her or coddle her?

 

“How do you feel Shepard?”

 

She passed him her helmet and stepped into the elevator. Every inch of her ached, her head was throbbing, her mouth dry and the unshed tears stung in her eyes. She needed a shower, a semi-warm meal and maybe several hours of sleep. All things she knew she wouldn't be able to afford the minute she returned to the ship. Hackett would want a debrief and Chakwas would want to poke and prod her just to be sure there were no adverse effects to being in contact with Object Rho. That she wasn't indoctrinated like everyone had been on the Project Base.

 

“Fine. Just tired, hungry, and a bit sore.”

 

He nodded taking the helmet in his hands. There were a thousand and one questions he had, but her face spoke more then words. Now was not the time to press, now was not the time to smother her in a hug and hold her close glad for her safety. No, even with the subdued sniffling he knew to give her the space she needed. She would open up when she wanted to, pushing may send her far from him.

 

“Hmm alright.” Pushing the button to the crew deck, he passed the helmet gently back to her. “You go on up. I'll get some medi-gel from the Doctor and a meal from Gardner.”

 

She took the helmet back and smiled weakly. “Thanks Garrus.”

 

He nodded his head in silence and when the door of the elevator opened he left without a word. There was a part of him that hated sending her up alone, but internally he knew she needed it. She needed to have a moment and figure out a way to deal. She needed to be alone and cry if she wanted to. Him being there and hovering over her would be detrimental at best. 

 

Stopping off at the med bay first he saw Chakwas look up from her reports. Hawthorne was still laid out on one of the beds, after he had tried to protect Joker from the invading Collector forces. “I'll need the Commander to -”

 

“Later. She needs some rest.”

 

“Garrus -” She was trying to plead with him and he wasn't listening. 

 

“She'll come down when she is ready.” Picking up a few medi-gel packs he left as quickly as he came. Chakwas was still trying to say something to him but he kept most of it blotted out. His next stop was Gardner, but of course his path to the cook and janitor took him in direct line of Miranda. After saving her sister the dynamic between Shepard and her had changed. But he knew she still saw Shepard as a bit of an investment, maybe even more now that she had sided with her when they blew up the Collector base. Nodding to her, he cleared the distance to Gardner easily. She didn't move to intercept, maybe she saw the look of indignation on Chakwas face or just saw his and knew where not to step. When it came time he would have to remember to thank her for not pushing to get involved.

 

By the time he got back up to the room he could see the place littered with her armour pieces and undersuit, with the sound of the shower going steady. Stepping over the pieces he put the covered food and medi-gel packs down on the coffee table. Going backup the stairs he began to collect all the pieces of her armour and stow them away. Any pieces that needed a bit of repair he set off to the side to look at. When he was done cleaning he moved back down to the living area and started to look over the pieces of her armour that needed fixing. The shower had long turned off and he could hear her shuffling around but made no move to go check on her.  _Give her time._

 

She came out of the bathroom in a loose t-shirt and sweatpants. Her bare feet scuffed along the floor as she moved lazily down the steps. Turning down the music he listened to her move behind him. He noticed she was favouring one side and limped a bit, her shoulders were slouched and bent. Her eyes were heavy and rimmed red with the tears she likely shed when she was alone in the bathroom and under the heated water of the shower. Finding her usual spot on the couch she uncovered the meal and began to dig in making happy noises as she chewed.

 

They sat in the subdued silence of her devouring her dinner and the quieter tone of the music flowing. He continued to look over the bits of armour he was working on. Sometimes he wondered how she got herself into such trouble, how she let hits pass beyond her shields. He supposed it was her abilities as a soldier, how she always needed to be on the front lines and in the line of the fire.

 

The silence was broken as she neared the end of her meal. Her voice breaking here and there as she detailed sneaking into the base on Aratoht and finding Kenson. She took careful sips of water, noticing she was low he got up and grabbed the carafe of water she kept in the room and filled up the glass for her. When he sat down he was a little closer, but was careful not overwhelm her by sitting too close. As she kept talking he could feel his rage rising. If Hackett had let her take a team or another he doubted she would have been ambushed, double crossed or unable to get word out to the colony. Even with the history of her family on Mindoir he knew she had no ill thoughts toward Batarians, no matter their rather dicey reputation. He could see the exhaustion setting in, how her shoulders drooped and her breathing evened out a bit.

 

Patting the spot next to him, he motioned her closer. “Come here.”

 

She sighed and moved closer. Pulling his gloves off he opened up the package of medi-gel smearing the cool liquid on his finger. Pushing her hair away with his other hand he began to smooth the liquid over the back of her neck careful of the amp. He pushed the liquid down over her shoulders, listening as her breathing got a little more relaxed and her shoulders slumped a bit more. He moved her shirt up and over touching upon spots he saw red and raw or ones she was trying to protect.  He couldn't get to all her injuries, at least not without asking her to remove her pants, but at least he had soothed some of her injuries.

 

“He used me. He saw a chance of deniability and took it. If it went well it would be a win, if it went bad well he'd get a slap on the wrist for using an outsider. Me, they are going to rake me over the coals. My reputation, working with Cerebus now, losing my family on Mindoir. They are going to be coming at me. I'll be lucky if they don't throw me in the brig and forget I exist” She sighed leaning herself against his side.

 

“If Hackett had let you bring someone.”

 

She nodded her head trying not to think about it. “I know.” She moved up slightly. “Well guess I should go face the music.”

 

“You don't have to do this now Shepard. Everyone will understand if you want to rest and recoup your strength.”

 

“I know, but I'd rather get this over with. I need to do a bunch of things, make sure things are set up in case.”

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

“I'll send you the details and I'll need your help.”

 

“Whatever you need Shepard.”

 

She smiled lightly and got up from the couch.

 

He watched her get up and pull on her socks before tugging on her boots and heading for the door. At least she came back alive from this mission. The fear of never seeing her again, of all the possible things she may endure while away had consumed him. He worried about her and what was next. Surely, the Alliance wouldn't yank her in right away but eventually she would have to make a choice. She would have to either go back to the Alliance and answer for what happened or go on her own and possibly bring down the wrath of the Alliance and any Batarian raiders she might come across. Either way there would come a time when they might be forced to part. He felt sure she wouldn't go solo and that the guilt would like eat her away.  The Alliance would block him from getting too close and there would be no way for him to watch over her during that time to keep her spirits high even as they slung dirt at her.  Being apart he wasn't sure he was ready, but at least he'd know she would be carefully tucked away on Earth and not gallivanting around without him.

 

 


	26. In Darkness- Separation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard turns herself into the Alliance, she begins to feel the gnawing darkness. 
> 
> Set in the first part of Shepard's incarceration.

She sometimes wondered if she would be a better soldier, a better friend, a better colleague if she just did as she was asked. Instead she asked questions, she bucked against the convention of just doing as she was told, of not following a request simply. Would things be different if she did not ask questions, if she just did as she was told? Would she be viewed as a better person for censoring herself and thinking of others? Maybe she would be and maybe not. Maybe Aratoht wouldn't have been a disaster and maybe it would be even worse. Would she feel more or less guilty for not knowing the whole truth, for not asking the questions she needed to ask? 

 

What she thought about turning herself in was far from the truth. She thought it would be hard to walk away from the Normandy, to say good bye to everyone including Garrus, she thought it would be hard to give everything up and release herself to the Alliance's custody. She had gotten used to the comforts of the Normandy, Garrus there to support her and make her laugh when she needed it, ready meals available, a team that had gone with her through the Omega 4 relay, information ready and available at her fingertips.

 

Before she had turned herself over she had gone through an extensive ordeal putting so much in order. She knew the Reapers were coming, how much time would pass before their appearance she did not know. It could be days, weeks, months, years – but they would come and there would be many not ready for their arrival. While she had asked many of her friends to do what they could to get their people on board she knew it would be tough. The Quarians were thinking about taking back their home world, something she saw as a fool's errand but she could not halt their will to do as they wished. She knew Garrus would do all he could to get someone anyone to listen on Palaven, but she worried their relationship may sully any chances of getting some real assistance. The only real crutch she had was Liara, as the Shadow Broker, she had resources and the people to make something happen. She urged for production to be ramped up on rations dextro and levo alike, there would need to be shelters, blankets, medicine anything that could be done she urged to be done. She had offered to bank roll a lot of it but the asari refused.

 

So all she had to was say good bye, watch everyone who wasn't interested in being locked up in an Alliance interrogation room go. It should have been harder to say good bye, the comfort of her world stripped away while she was forced in an Alliance room to wait. Instead there was a bit of freedom in having everything taken away. No more messages about things she could be doing or missions that needed to be done. No more checking on her crew and making sure everyone was alright, checking to make sure they got the help they needed after the Collector attack. It was actually liberating to know her omni-tool wouldn't just go off at a random time with someone needing something from her. She still had her omni-tool while locked up waiting on word once she had released herself into Alliance custody but the tool was largely useless. She could read books on her omni-tool, Alliance approved and combed over books and articles to make sure there wasn't hidden messages being some how ferried to her. She could play simple card games or write messages that would go no where.

 

It took her nearly two weeks to finally start to get bored. There was only so much one could read and occupy your mind with. Sleeping in and relaxing would have been nice if she wasn't stuck on Arcturus with limited mobility to go anywhere. A room with a view of something other then space would be nice. She was regimented to a strict schedule and no one, not Anderson or Hackett came by. It was only after the attack on the station the Alliance saw reason to move her to Earth Alliance Headquarters. Her schedule wasn't less regimented but at least she had a view of something more then space.

 

* * *

 

Some days it was a struggle just to get out of bed. She had promised Garrus she would be strong and not let what others said bring her down. But it was a little hard to ignore the words constantly slung in her direction day after day. It was hard not to believe there was a truth to the words. Some days were a little better then others, but most of the time it was a battle she felt powerless to fight. When her actions weren’t being picked away piece by piece, she spent the rest of her time being poked, prodded and extensively examined by doctors and psychiatrists. Her only real respite was the nights and weekends when she could hole herself up in her room and try to prepare for the next war.

 

Each day was a different battle, days of being asked the same question fifteen times just to see her if story remained the same. The only two people she had in her corner were Hackett and Anderson, but their own busy schedules and debriefs kept them from being there the whole time. This just left her with a military lawyer, a woman she barely knew and whose only advice had been to tell her to keep her anger in check and stay silent when they tried to bait her with hurtful words. Right, like she was good at following orders, but she tried. It was hard to stay silent, to let the insults and barbs fly and not retort back. To tell them that they had their facts wrong. Some days her hands shook so hard that her lawyer would call for a recess if only to give her some time to cool down. The days that were really tough she'd pick at her food and then crash the minute she got to her room. Who knew being dragged through the mud could be so exhausting, could be so demoralizing?

 

There was also James, after the attack on Arcturus he had been brought in to be her bodyguard and he was the closest thing to a friend she could possibly have. Of course she wasn't too keen on the guard and had snapped at Hackett when he made the choice to bring him in. She had said a few very dark things that day, some she regretted and others were just her feelings of seclusion getting out of control. She still wasn't sure how to feel about having a bodyguard but could see why Hackett had chosen him, if nothing else he was quite imposing and may make an attacker think twice. Course if that attacker was a sniper she was likely doomed anyway.

 

She remembered the look in James eyes when they first met, that bit of worship hiding as he looked at her. He had fumbled over so many of his words after the initial introduction she started to wonder how many days out of basic he had been. Maybe the only people they could get to be her bodyguard were green soldiers and maybe those with something of a reputation like her. Either way she knew she wasn't exactly what others may expect. They wanted a hero, a great soldier, someone with the confidence to scare down any enemy. After her first few days being berated for her judgment on the Aratoht mission she was not the model soldier one expected. Sometimes she sneered at James and spit venom at him likely pushing him to the point of regretting taking the job of protecting her. She wallowed in herself missing Garrus and his ability to make her smile and laugh, missing the usual noises of a being on a space vessel. She knew it wasn't fair how she treated James but she had nothing else to take her frustration out on and he became a bit like her personal punching bag. 

 

She rolled her eyes at his jokes and his slightly flirtatious manner, she wrote him off as being only useful as a big hulking shield for attackers and bullets. The lack of communication started to grate on her nerves, she hated having no one to talk to but James and her lawyer. No one would tell her what was going on beyond her trial and she was sick of seeing her room. Eventually her anger turned to apathy, turned to depression. She just couldn't care anymore, nothing changed. She was still the same, everyone kept saying so, everyone seemed assured they knew the type of person she was. No one was interested in listening to her, all they wanted to do was affirm that she was just as bad as they thought.  Nothing had changed and the darkness came back making her feel useless, reminding her that she was nothing without the Alliance and that one day they would let go of her not the other way around.  Her thoughts of a different future for herself, her thoughts of maybe being a teacher and living a quiet life with Garrus with maybe one day kids washed away.  His words to keep strong drowned under the weight of accusation.  She would only have this life.  All the stupid things she thought of and had prepared were stupid.  This is all she would be.

 

 


	27. In the Grey - Acceptance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Days are looking a little better, maybe not the best but Shepard is finding her way through.
> 
> Garrus receives a visitor.
> 
> POV Changes between Shepard, Garrus, Solana.
> 
> Also will apologize for some of my Latin words, I am very rusty and trying to remember declensions without a book is tough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a bit of a music track that goes with this chapter.
> 
> Silence - Delerium featuring Sarah McLachlan
> 
> Fear - Sarah McLachlan
> 
> Breathe Me - Sia
> 
> Wake Me Up - Avicii
> 
> The Monster - Eminem featuring Rihanna

Maybe they were right that she could be better but honestly she was tired of trying to fit into someone's ideal of better. Maybe the dark tunnel she saw herself in now she would never leave. Maybe the light she saw was only a delusion and not really there. Maybe she would never know anything better then the Alliance. Maybe she would be stuck forever as a Commander, never raising in rank, never learning more. Maybe she was condemned to this lot. And maybe she was okay with that.

 

Maybe she wasn't meant to have better, maybe she would wallow forever always coming back to this point in her life. Maybe her life would be static, never moving, never changing. That the stars would never change for her no matter how hard she tried to change them. Maybe she couldn't affect that change. Maybe it was just time to embrace the dark tunnel, to embrace that while she changed herself, made herself strong there would be those that would strive to bring her down. There would be people that would scoff at her and think they knew what was better for her. Some days she would be her own worst enemy. Some days she would be pretending to be fine and yet be floundering. Some days she might have someone throw her a rope and other days she would be forever alone or feel alone. Maybe instead of fighting the darkness, the defeat, the disappointment she realized what caused it, what made it. That she would accept it, let it live with her until she saw a time when it held no sway over her.

 

* * *

 

“You know it has only been two months.”

 

The words penetrated his thoughts and he looked up from the grave marker.

 

“What?”

 

“It's only been two months.”

 

He nodded his head slowly, grumbling lightly. He knew how long it had been since he'd last seen or heard from Shepard. He knew the Alliance might block all communications and make it hard to know where she was or how she was doing. Even with all this knowledge it didn't mean he didn't worry or wonder how she was.

 

“I know.”

 

“So what are you doing here wallowing in self-pity and guilt?”

 

“I'm not - “ He huffed lightly making his sister laugh.

 

“Dad was right, you got it bad for this one.”

 

He grumbled again not liking the insinuation in her voice and the teasing tone. “It is not like that. It was just a casual thing. All she wanted was something casual.”

 

His sister chortled a bit trying to suppress a laugh.

 

“Dad was also right. You are really bad at lying.”

 

“Sorry I never gained yours or dads knack in hiding emotions or lying.”

 

Sol laughed a bit likely enjoying the fact she was annoying him.

 

“So is she why you turned down Mircea or Janea the primarch's grand niece?”

 

“Not that it is any of your business, but maybe.”

 

“Just admit it, you got it bad for this girl. Best prospects in the Hierarchy and you turn them down for a human you may never hear from again.”

 

He could hear her almost shaking her head in disapproval, but Sol was right he may never see Shepard again, the Alliance could lock her up for life. But he wasn't willing to give up on them just yet. Sol sighed as she stepped forward putting her in line of his peripheral view.

 

“You know Mom was secretly rooting for you two. Said you two were a right fit.”

 

“How did she know?”

 

“Come on Garrus give the woman some credit, she saw the vids, even some of the later ones before she passed. She knew what was going on and was proud.”

 

“Wish Shepard could have met her.”

 

Sol sighed again. “Yea, I think they would have hit it off. Probably drive drive dad insane by getting along so well.”

 

He chuckled lightly but knew Sol was likely right and he felt a pang of grief for his lost mother.

 

She sighed and put a hand on his fringe. For several long minutes they both stayed locked in the embrace enjoying the quiet of the moment together.

 

“Anyway, there was a reason I came by.”

 

“You mean teasing me about Shepard wasn't one of them?”

 

“Not really.” She chuckled. “There is a woman back at the house, says she has something for you.”

 

“Did she give a name? What it was she had for me?”

 

“No, refused to give her name until she saw you.”

 

“That sounds cryptic.”

 

“Tell me about it. Dad was grilling her when I left, but she's got some skills. She might be able to hold out.”

 

Nodding his head he put his hand to the grave marker before getting up. Brushing off some dirt from his tunic he followed his sister back to the sky car wondering who or what could be waiting for him when he got home. He asked a few questions about the woman but Sol's description was not pulling on any memory.

 

When they arrived back at the house he noted the rental car near the house. Most of the street was silent with most in the block off at work. But there was something else gnawing at him, the cryptic nature of this woman, the street being a bit too quiet. A sinking strange feeling started to bloom in his stomach. What if this was Cerebus looking to get a little revenge by coming after Shepard's friends and bed mates? Just as Sol was about to leave the car he grabbed her arm.

 

“Something doesn't feel right. This could be a trap.”

 

“Dad scanned her twice.”

 

“This could be Cerebus. They didn't seem very keen on Shepard going rogue.”

 

“Spirits Garrus! What the hell happened to you while you were away?”

 

“Please Sol.”

 

She sighed a bit, but the look in his eye told her he believed in a danger.

 

“There are some guns in the back.”

 

As she pulled out of the car she saw the set of his mandibles. She had never seen him look so paranoid and frightful. He didn't talk much about his near two year absence, but she heard snippets here and there. He had experienced something that had rooted deep and she was seeing it manifest now. She wasn't sure what set him off exactly but the clench in his hands told her he saw a enemy somewhere. When this mystery woman was dealt with she was going to have a sit down with her father and talk about to him about what she saw. It wasn't good for Garrus to be like this, to be sitting around and moping and seeing enemies everywhere. It might be time to put him to work even if just to get him out of the house and socializing a little. 

 

She supposed it was a good thing turians never went far without their weapons.  Popping the trunk she handed over a pistol. She could hear him grumbling about the flimsy fire arms but it was better then nothing. Lowering the trunk quietly they approached the door slowly. Thumbing the latch she went in first. The place was silent, almost a little too silent and she started to feel what Garrus was feeling. Tracking through the atrium they both glanced into their father's side office and old craft room before heading to the tablinum where she had last seen her father and the woman in.

 

Coming to the long corridor that led farther into the house and the point it turned to the tablinum, she paused for a moment straining to hear anything from the room. Sliding to one side of the doorway she paused for a moment to take a quick glance in. From her quick peer in she could see the woman standing very calmly, the mystery woman and her father seemed to be assessing one another. When Garrus looked in he could only see his father standing tall and holding a pistol at the mystery woman. Thank the Spirits he hadn't be caught unawares. Slipping into the room she held her pistol at the woman as she inched toward her father.

 

“Dad, you all right?”

 

“Yes Sol, fine.”

 

From her peripheral vision she saw Garrus slide into the room and then suddenly halt.

 

“Leeta?”

 

There was a beat, the turian woman remaining very still with her hands held up.

 

“Garrus. Glad to see you didn't go all soft under Commander Shepard's command. I'd greet you properly but you know - “ Leeta gestured with her head toward both his father and sister.

 

“You know this moecha?” It was his father now asking.

 

He nodded his head slowly. “Yea she kept showing up to places we docked. Shepard said she was alright, but I always thought she might be a Cerebus spy.”

 

“If I was Cerebus, there would be more then just me.”

 

“You could be an assassin.”

 

“That walks in and announces themselves?”

 

“You didn't give your name and obviously did something to alert my father. Still suspicious in my books.”

 

“You would be a bad turian if you didn't suspect me.”

 

“What are you doing here Leeta?”

 

“Have some news about your girl and she gave me a gift to give to you.”

 

He lowered his weapon very slowly, but didn't take it off of her. He had voiced his concern about Leeta often when he was on the Normandy. Shepard knew his concern but then later told him not to worry he had figured Liara had done some digging and cleared her. It didn't stop him from wondering what the story was behind the turian woman.

 

He sighed roughly. “Anything you have to say about 'my girl' you can say in front of my family. And the gift you can show to them as well.”

 

Leeta cleared her throat. “I took a little peek at the gift -” She coughed again and he thought he caught a hint of embarrassment. Had Shepard sent him something racy, just to remind him of what was waiting?

 

“Fine. News first then. I'll think about this gift.”

 

“News, the real type is scarce, but I heard from a reliable source that they moved her from Arcturus to Earth headquarters after an attack on the station. No one has seen her yet and they have her at an undisclosed location. I heard the Alliance have several dummy locations they claim she is at to keep attackers at bay. The Batarians want her to either be locked up for life, or tried and executed, but they have really been pushing to have her turned over to them to place her on trial on their homeworld. From what I hear the courts are torn on what to do and been delaying as long as they can on moving forward with any type of trial or verdict. If she's right about these Reapers she is the most experienced on their tactics and has the best knowledge about them.”

 

“What about the lack of communication?”

 

“Likely locked down or severely restricted. The Alliance likely doesn't want her location being tracked and to halt another potential attack.”

 

He pondered for a moment then lowered his gun farther.

 

“We can head out to the back terrace.” His father and sister lowered their weapons slowly but kept a careful eye on Leeta as she moved toward Garrus. Moving out of the room they headed down the hallway. He had often wondered why his parents kept the big house even after he and Sol had mostly moved out and were on their own. The space felt huge with only the three of them. His mother was always striving to make the place feel as comfortable as she could, she always filled the space with her laughter and light. Without his mother it was just a large space no one knew what to do with.

 

He sometimes wondered why his father and mother never sold the house, it was large for the four of them. When he and Sol moved away it seemed empty when he went home to visit. Passing through the hallway he knew even though several parts of the house would go unused it would always be their home. There were memories here, pieces of his mother in the colour of a room or the accents on a wall or table. Memories both good and bad rested in this house and if nothing else the house would always carry those pieces forward, to be a reminder that there would always be a place to call home, no matter what. Still holding the gun as they moved outside he moved to the far edge of the terrace. The sun was just starting to warm everything up as it raised higher in the sky. The warm breeze of air stirring the flowers and herbs of the garden.

 

“Okay where is this gift.”

 

“Right down to the pleasantries with you.”

 

Sighing she moved her hands slowly and unclasped an item attached to her clothes. Handing Garrus the package, she reached her other hand up to bring forth a small envelope.

 

Raising his mandible a bit he took both items but decided to open the envelope first keeping a close eye on the turian woman. He knew his father and sister were likely also likely watching from the house, keeping tabs on his six. A chip was in the envelope along with a note. How much had it cost her just to make a note on pen and paper? And when had she done this?

 

_Garrus,_

 

_If you are getting this from Leeta I am likely still in an Alliance lock up. I knew there was a chance this would happen but I hoped not. Either way, I didn't want to miss a chance to give you a birthday gift. Sorry I can't be there in person to give this to you. Hope you don't mind the gift chip, couldn't remember what you had and Leeta told me this is one of the best shops on Palaven for mods and sniper rifles. I promise I have something a but more personal for you but I wanted to give it to you in person. Look I am really crap at these. So I hope all is going well and really hope to see you soon._

 

_Shepard_

 

_P.S. You'll have to tell me what my stolla means._

 

Hooking a finger on the edge of the wrapping paper he could see Leeta getting a little anxious. Carefully he peeked and then quickly closed the paper back over.

 

“So is that a yes or no?”

 

He grumbled. “I don't think she meant it as we would. Besides don't they exchange weird things for that type of thing?”

 

“They exchange rings and that is when they marry, but an intended may give a ring in hopes of getting married in the future.”

 

“I don't think we are quite there yet. She only wanted something casual between us.”

 

Leeta snickered. “If you say so.”

 

 

 

“Dad I think we need to do something about Garrus. He's not well dad.”

 

Nodding his head. “He keeps talking about those Reapers of hers. Maybe I can do something about that, give him something to do and we'll find a way to help him.”

 

* * *

 

There was a change, she wasn't sure when it happened or how, but something happened. The rolling dark clouds still hung over her head, the weight still pulled her down making it harder to spring back up and find something to hold onto. All the demons still clawed at her and yet she felt a certain calm. Nothing had been taken away or added among the storm, but maybe it was more a realization of how she felt. It was almost as if she pulled herself out of her body and was finally able to take stock.

 

She knew the words thrown at her were not new, they were not words she hadn't heard before. Yes the words hurt, she could try to be big about it but it was a hard task. But maybe instead of being hit by the words like one would be hit in the face she could let the words wash over her. Instead of letting the words have the power she could absorb them and don them as a cloak. She would wear the words like a badge of pride because she knew no matter what she could not change opinions. If someone said that she was a murderer and ruthless it would be hard to make them think otherwise. She thought they were small minded and maybe they were. Maybe they would never see each other as they were but she had a truth of herself. And maybe some of the words were right. She knew she wasn't the best person she could be, she wasn't always conscious of her filter and said rude things. She wasn't a good friend, likely not even a good girlfriend or partner.

 

She knew she would carry this for all her days. Her fall into the darkness, her depression would come and go as it pleased. She knew all days would not be dark and cloudy, but things may happen which could trigger it. She would see two friends getting along more, see they laughed at inside jokes more and she would feel excluded, out of the loop, pushed aside. She could see someone deservedly advancing in their career, advancing in their social status and wonder herself what was the point in trying. She may be defeated, bested by an opponent. She could be grilled for not being the best and she would feel it. Maybe not strongly, but she would still be effected by it and yet none would know.

 

She wasn't one to wear her emotions for all to see, instead she would suffer in her silence. But she would struggle through, find a way to voice herself if all she saw was unending darkness. She would keep vigilant and watch when things bothered her, when she'd feel her jealousy or anger grow. She knew that she couldn't always be involved in peoples lives. That friendships grew out of commonality, that she couldn't always been inclusive of everyone and the same was for others. Sometimes she may exaggerate something and sometimes she could see things so clearly, see a truth she never saw before. It hurt what she saw, but flailing against it would only lead to further issues. So she would let it all pass, she would acknowledge what she saw, what she felt.

 

Some days the darkness would weigh her down and other days she wouldn't know it was there. This was something she would have to live with all her life. It wouldn't always be her master. Life was filled with highs and lows, it was just when the lows came to visit her they brought more then sadness or obstacles. Her lows came with depression that brought walls too high to scale, waters so deep she never found the ground and weights on all her limbs threatening to drown her. So many things could drag her down, little triggers that would send her into the darkest part of herself. Sometimes it wouldn't be bad, she could manage the sadness, the weights she could drag about. But other days it could take all her will to push herself out of bed.

 

Closing herself off from the world wouldn't help, it would just make things seem more dire. On the bad days she would make herself markers in time to get through the day. She would indulge where she could hoping it might soothe her war torn mind and heart. Eventually the dark days would go away, the dark thoughts never fully gone but she could handle them when they came. She found her way to ungracefully flounder and make it look like and art form. Not many noticed her dark time, she kept it silent and worked it through it. Sure there were those that would be willing to support her, but they couldn't be there all the time. She needed to find her center and hold to it when no one could be there. She needed to understand her loneliness if only to be comfortable in being alone.

 

James had gotten her access to more books and she spent her times reading books on philosophy, religion, spiritualism, and others. In reading books about transcending the past, letting go of certain emotions or words. She found more of herself then she had ever known. There were certain truths she now knew, things she would like to see in her life and others she could do without. She knew her heart more and while the darkness was carried within her, it didn't make her life more or less valid. She also found a book that intrigued her and she found her spark again.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> atrium - foyer  
> tablinum - meeting room, receiving room  
> moecha - slut


	28. In the Light of Temptation and Reapers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Near the end of Shepard's incarceration, the Reaper threat is about to become real and she struggles with the temptation of another.
> 
> Before Garrus heads to Menae, the Reaper threat is about to become very real and he struggles with a new recruit and giving off all the wrong signals.
> 
> POV switches.

At some point she dozed off in Garrus' arms, his soft breathing and gentle rumble soothing her to sleep. When she woke she found herself facing away from him but still encircled in his arms. His fingers gently brushed along the arm under her head.  She was not one to fall asleep or be comfortable in someone's arms. She had a long history of sleeping alone, even with her large family she always slept in her own bed and never had to share. Combined with her equally long military career of singular bunks, pods and sleeping bags, she had become accustomed to not sharing. Sharing a room with 20 or more people had been tough, but she survived the oddities and eccentricities of others. It was just part of military life. She also supposed the cramped and confined space of a singular bed and sharing a room was meant to deter from fraternization. Not that she paid attention to the policy and there were a few like her that could make the most of a confined space. Now though she saw the perks of command status, including not sharing a room with people but a larger bed to spread out in.

When Kaidan slept over in the original Normandy she would often back him against the wall or in a tight spot. If she wasn't a complete bed and cover hog she would pummel him mercilessly as she tossed and turned.  As sleep faded she could feel parts of Garrus rubbing against her back. While his one hand was trapped under her head the other drew slow, languid, torturous lines down her torso, over her hip and slipping to brush along the under side of her ass. She could also feel him gently rocking his pelvis against the curve of her ass.

 

“Mmm, you are supposed to be helping me relieve some stress and help me rest.”

 

The deep rumble rolled along her back as he chuckled. “Not sleeping well Shepard?”

 

His hand swooped down over her waist skimming down her navel and back up.

 

“Well I've had a certain turian leaving me with an aching need, it's a little hard to sleep like that.”

 

She could feel him rocking more against her back and she found herself rocking with him providing a bit of friction to this new dance of theirs.

 

“I bet if you told that turian you couldn't sleep, he'd be sure to take care of all your worries."

 

“Hmm doubtful, he's a huge tease.”

 

His hand slipped lower and she moaned gently as his fingers brushed along her mound. She could feel one of his legs rubbing between hers and deftly trying to pry them apart. Not that she was really giving him any resistance.

 

“Oh I don't know Shepard I think he could have been very accommodating.”

 

She felt the brush of mandible along the back of her neck and she gasped a little at the contact. At that point her left leg was lifted and there was a slight shift before she felt the length of him brushing along her still moist lips from their previous coupling. Her hair was brushed from her neck and she could feel him nipping along the length sending shivers straight down her spine.

 

“You are a very wicked man Vakarian.”

 

His hand that kept her leg up and hooked over his, trailed slowly down her inner thigh as he continued to rock against her.

 

“Would you like me to stop?” His hand halting mere inches from where her current ache was stemming from.

 

She couldn't resist him. Their coupling had become something of a drug she needed. Some nights she didn't get off, she just needed the feel of him in her, but other nights it was torture the way his tongue and hands moved. And once he had her quaking it was hard not to want more, to hunger for more.

 

“Mmm no..” She barely got out the words before his hand trailed back up skimming the tender flesh of her thigh making her moan. Her hips were moving now more in time with his, pushing against his hard penis and the friction it caused. His hand slid back up and she could hear him chuckle a little.

 

“You say the best things Commander.”

 

She felt him slide into her and her whole body burst in orgasmic bliss just at the moment she registered she was no longer being teased by Garrus but by James.

 

 

She woke suddenly, her body still pinging with the orgasm mentally plied by her dreaming state. Her body was flush and all she could do was sigh as the quake between her legs slowly dulled. It was sudden and unexpected how the switch had been flipped in regards to James. One day she was just rolling her eyes at his jokes, bristling with anger or plain disinterest and then the next day she saw him as more then her bodyguard. She saw him in that primal need way, in a way that tempted her and taunted her. She saw him in the way she had noticed some of the other women saw him.

 

He was wide shoulders, muscled. Thoughts of being thrown over those shoulders plagued her thoughts. She thought of his biceps, tanned skin so warm to the touch, thought of his meaty hands she longed to have roam her body. She considered his lips with those Spanish curses and words dripping off of them, how she ached to hear him whisper one right into her ear. She considered his face, rough, spattered with a few scars. Yeah she was a sucker for scars and how they seemed to dip and cut the skin, how they felt under her fingers.  Damn her mind and body for making her realize him.  The rough knock at her door told her that her thoughts for now would need to be put on hold.  The ache in between her legs would need to wait until there was not a schedule to keep and more free time to hopefully solve the problem there.

***Hours Later***

Watching him now, there was that curl of desire of want so strong it nearly drove her to the breaking point. She felt like some old lecherous woman the way her eyes raked over his torso, devouring the muscles moving under his skin. Maybe coming to the gym had been the wrong suggestion, but it might be better then being stuck in her room watching an approved vid. Her room where there would be moments of hands brushing going for the same snack or sitting through a very hot on screen make out session and realizing just how warm the room was but neither of them dared remove the extra layers they wore. No, her room had become this electric place she'd rather avoid. There was the siren call of temptation in her room and she felt almost certain James felt the same way. At least she deluded herself in thinking that.

 

She thought she caught that electric spark coming from him when their feet touched under the table or fingers brushed when passing something. She thought she caught that hungered look in his eye when he thought she didn't notice him checking her out. He was tempting, oh so tempting, but the thing was she really didn't know if what she felt was just something she was reading into. Her mind was likely seeing his flirty, show off behaviour as something it wasn't. This young, virile, scorching hot – kid. James was at least ten years younger, not that she cared much about age differences, but it was enough to cause her mind to halt the lurid thoughts, it was enough to simmer her mood and dangerous aching need.

 

But trying to pull herself away from James, put some distance between them was like resisting gravity. Once the attraction was started, the flirting and teasing became like a drug. A dangerous and very high repercussion drug. She knew it was silly how she acted around him, toying with him, daring him to make a move, goading him to action. She took note of his cocky, self-assured attitude. Was he that assured of his prowess or just thinking his good looks equated to something? She knew he was not short on admirers, whenever they were out she saw a fair share of heads turn in his direction. When he was at a different weight station of the gym she sometimes noted women approaching. At first she thought it was people looking to know if the person with him was either his girlfriend or if she was the 'famed' Commander Shepard. She soon figured out it was women looking to ask him out. Some were as brazen as to give him their numbers or contacts right away. No one was ever curious about her. No they wanted to lure James away and she knew of at least two occasions where he was tempted.

 

She on the other hand was a nobody and it was likely for the best most people did not immediately recognize her. It was bad enough her time outside or in any other facility was during a time when a good 75% of the residents were asleep. If someone did make the connection she'd likely get no outside time at all. Heck she was lucky she was getting this much free time from her room. No it was best she blended sometimes into the background, but that didn't mean her ego wasn't hurt by others dismissing her. She had caught phrases like 'dried up has been”, some even mocked her about the Reapers calling her delusional. So maybe there was a reason she flirted with James, maybe there was a reason she need to believe someone might be attracted to her even if they were likely a whole bunch of trouble. Even if she knew in some way that if something did happen she would be the idiot, she was still some how tempted. Maybe she needed to feel that deluded need if only to get through the trial and what was coming.

 

And yet when she came down of the adrenaline high that involved James Vega she felt hollow. She felt just as old and dried up as some said. Injuries she used to bounce back from were beginning to show their teeth. The youthful feeling didn't last. At times she felt dumb and guilty. Especially guilty, she knew it was just flirting sometimes on the cusp of going too far. It was either her or James that was quick to disarm things before they got too far, even if she was tempted to push the limit of where he was willing to go. No her guilt came with a name and a face she felt more then just casual about even though that is how she left things. She thought she validated her flirting by saying things between her and Garrus were just casual. Instead it made her feel more guilty and realize that what she felt for him fell way out of the realm of casual.

 

She had been afraid to rush things with Garrus no matter the temptation to latch onto their relationship status and make it more. She had rushed things with Kaidan, had latched strongly to him and when it came to seeing him again it had all ended in heart break and anger for her. There was a caution in dealing with Garrus in feeling that she might somehow break him by starting something more then casual. There was also the fact that until they slept together she really didn't know how she felt and she still wasn't fully sure. She knew she wanted to see their relationship out and not just jump when it seemed the grass was greener elsewhere. There were parts of Garrus she adored and needed and parts that annoyed her. She would be like this with all relationships, riding high on the bliss of them being together and then quickly getting annoyed. It had been tough to open up to Garrus and let him in, it was hard to voice her anger or annoyance but she had tried. And even now relay jumps away she still wanted to try.

 

But her mind was a dangerous twisting place. She found herself low and wondering if he was flirting with someone back on Palaven. She had seen the looks he got, how it stroked her jealousy when someone would randomly approach him when she wasn't there. Her mind wondered if he took their casualness more to heart, turians had the ability to parse themselves out like that. He could easily engage with her as well as another. So was that her reason for flirting with James? Was it her need to not come out of this trial completely empty handed or left behind?

 

She had given up on being good during the trial and following her lawyers instructions to remain quiet. She had a beat on the judges, knew one wanted to punish her harshly, one wanted to see her lose her rank and everything else, one she felt understood her plight, one wanted to follow the rules, and one couldn't care how they voted. She didn't care what they chose at this point, sooner or later she knew she would be proven right. And then maybe she'd figure out all the stuff between her and Garrus. Maybe she would finally have the strength to mention that what they had was more then casual for her, that she wanted them more then just bed buddies, that she wanted to be with him even if all the lust faded, she wanted him and wanted to try and make more with him. She only hoped he felt the same way about her. If not, well she didn't know but she would manage it somehow.

 

But until the point of being reunited with Garrus she decided to deal with some other things that had started to scratch at her mind. She knew that once the Reapers were dealt with she was done with the Alliance. She had drafted her own set of stipulations when it came to rejoining the Alliance. She had come up with what she wanted from the Alliance if she survived the coming war and what she wanted if she did not survive. She had her lawyer draft up better copies of her wishes being sure to cover her and her interests and close any loopholes. She also had her lawyer start on some forms that would be a very lengthy process and could all be for nothing. But she was willing to try something different if only to break the cycle she saw herself trapped in.

 

* * *

 

“Sir two of the newest recruits have arrived.”

 

Looking up from the city layouts he nodded his head.

 

“Good. Good. Send them in.”

 

The turian saluted before leaving the office work space. He had stopped telling them to not salute, to not not call him sir a while back, each of them still did it no matter how many times he ordered them not to. He supposed the infusion of military culture in their lives meant that no matter the job there was still a sense to salute a viewed superior. Now he knew how awkward Shepard felt when she was saluted and called Commander even while working for Cerebus where there were no such military structure. Some habits he supposed were hard to break.

 

Scouring the maps, he heard more then saw the newest recruits enter the office. The Primarch had been kind enough to give him a task force, he had been even kinder to donate an empty office building as a base for his operations. Most of the rooms were cluttered with supplies, his office had three other terminals with his desk and terminal at the center. It didn't leave a lot of space for privacy, not that he needed the privacy. But the terminals were barely used since he moved them in his office and he bet he would come in one day to find them moved again. Just another sign of how his team viewed him. He could see the new recruits in his peripheral vision come in, halt and salute.

 

“Director Vakarian, sir.”

 

He lifted his gaze and straightened, saluting them back.

 

“At ease.”

 

Checking his omni-tool he looked back to the recruits.

 

“Tiberus and Ullina?”

 

“Yes sir.” They said in unison.

 

“I hear you two are the best at procurement and logistics.”

 

“So we've been told sir.” It was Ullina who spoke with the strong white colony marking on her face.

 

He knew he wasn't going to get the cream of the crop out of the Hierarchy or the military when it came to his task force, but he had already received some rather odd choices. A few were trouble makers in the service and he wondered if his father had a hand in in choosing his task force as a bit of pay back. He had always been a model soldier if a little insubordinate, but he was far from the model son or investigator for C-Sec. Even Shepard had to reign him in a few times and let him know the end didn't always justify the means.

 

Thinking of her now made him miss her more. No one laughed at his jokes quite the same like she had. Her sense of humour was on that twisted reel that was just right. Some days he wished he had told her how he really felt. He was okay with the casual part of their relationship when they were about to hit the Omega 4 relay and didn't know if they would be alive the next day, but after the Omega 4 relay and the Collector's he felt things shift. He always felt deeply for her and knew that he wanted more, but he didn't want to push the boundaries. Now though he wished he had. He wasn't sure when he'd see her again and if he did there could be a lot more then missing colonies on the line. It was likely the best they didn't dive into anything more intense at the time, especially after she had decided to turn herself into the Alliance and forced a separation. If there had been more between them separating would have been harder then what it was. What was done was done. 

 

“Right well we have a lot of supplies that need to get to evacuation centers outside the major cities. We need pamphlets and omni instructions that will train ordinary people in basic first aid, Morse code, setting up tents and more.”

 

“Sir do you think that is necessary, shouldn't basic training kick in?”

 

It was Ullina speaking again and he could see her partner shocked at her brazen questioning.

 

“For some yes. For others they did their minimum military service and then went straight into the public or private sector. We can't expect them all to remember their training, especially given the stress of what they may be dealing with. We also can't expect our military to be able to be at each location. Some civilians may have forgotten their training and thus we must aid them in remembering.” Waving with a hand he moved toward the door of his office, Ullina and Tiberus fell in line after him.

 

“Did you know we sent out a bulletin about preparing a bag near the door for each family member that would contain clothes, non-perishable foods, blankets and water?”

 

“No sir.”

 

He harrumphed a little leading them down the corridor to a room two doors down from his.

 

“20% of the citizenship took notice and did as we advised and only 3% packed wisely. You won't believe the number of people that packed jewels, precious art pieces and the like. As if that will stop the Reapers.”

 

“But sir, the story of the Reapers – if you were a citizen and never seen one would you believe it?”

 

“Maybe, maybe not. We did after all tango with unknown humans 30 years ago. It is not that far in the past to make us all forget. After that I would figure anything is possible in the universe. “

 

He palmed the door latch of the room and the lights sprang on. Inside the room was stuffed with boxes all about the same height, width and colour.

 

“We started making emergency kits for people and sold them at local shops for a reasonable fee. Of the 1000 we made, 30 have been bought.”

 

“So what do you need us for sir?”

 

“This is not enough. We need more. We need more provisions, more back routes to and from cities and places not just for the military but for civilians as well. We need more of everything – especially medical supplies, food and water.”

 

Closing the door he led them further down the corridor to where they had first entered and been greeted.

 

“When the Reapers come a box in that room can sustain a family of four for 72 hours. Last we need is our people fighting over a box because we didn't have enough.”

 

Taking them through a door it led them to the re-purposed garage. Two older land vehicles were up on lifts being worked on and two others were being loaded up.

 

“We don't have a lot of money, but we have been getting generous donations from the Hierarchy, military, and local businesses.”

 

“Your jobs will be to gather the supplies and co-ordinate areas of evac out of the cities and get shelters set within the cities.” He looked around and sighed at all the work that still needed to be done.

 

“It may seem moot now but in the end we can save lives.” Pulling his gaze away he gestured again. “Let me show you the rest of the place and introduce you to the rest of the team.”

 

He had a good team, they all had their skills and he knew how to get the best results out of them. Sure he still had a few that bucked under his command but he wasn't one to hard nose a bit of insubordination. This time he strove to do better by his team, prepare them more for the day he wouldn't be around. Omega was relay jumps away and a past he was trying to leave behind.

 

He took the two through the office, making introductions when they passed other team members. Ullina was full of questions and he could see she would have a bright career as an investigator if not some type of policing role in the future. She was also easier company then Tiberus. Not that the man was a bore more his answers were terse, almost as if he gave the straight, quick answer to be done talking. When he asked Ullina something she was full of words, she had opinions on so many things, she knew her tech and her scopes. Heck she even laughed at his jokes, even the ones that were likely a little risque to even say.

 

He found himself leaning toward her as lunch rolled around. Her bit of vitality and interest in the project was something he missed from his other recruits. He had eager people glad for a chance to showcase their skills, but most were skeptical about the Reapers. Ullina had to be his first recruit to believe and want to know more. A part of him told him to beware of Ullina, he knew how his family worried about his attachment to Shepard a woman that he may never see again. And he wondered casually if she had been tapped to be a distraction to his attachment and may be a reason to think outside Shepard. Or was it just a natural attraction formed of commonality?

 

They spent the lunch chatting and laughing. He didn't notice the subtle glances or gentle brushes of her hand against his. It may not have helped his case that he mirrored the same looks and brushes of contact. That he bumped part of her leg which was more of a tell of his interest then he may have intended or not. There was an electricity between them he couldn't deny even if he was horribly bad at picking up some of the more obvious cues she was giving off.

 

After lunch Ullina and Tiberus were taken out to some of the sites they had set up so far. When they returned a couple of hours later Ullina bounded into his office with all these great ideas that he had to put most of his planning on hold. They worked hunched over his terminal or another going over different details. He should have seen more of the cues, but he was never a good turian.

***Hours Later***

Dusk was beginning to settle over the city, but there was still so much to do in order to be ready for his report to the advisory board tonight. He had done well with the resources they had given him or so he thought, but politicians were hard to gauge especially when their hides may be on the line. Working over the figures again he heard a soft tap near his door. Lifting his gaze he saw Ullina standing at the doorway.

 

“Ullina, come in.”

 

“Thank you sir.”

 

She came forward and took a seat on one of the chairs.

 

“Not going with the others to watch the match?”

 

“No. It is not really my thing.”

 

“Ah, well – I'm guessing you have more questions from today.”

 

“A few.”

 

“Speak freely then.”

 

“The things that we're doing here. Do you think it will make a difference?”

 

“I hope so. If not then our species may very well be doomed. I am not trying to make it sound dire, but the force of the Reapers we don't have a clue what we are up against and I hate having that much of a disadvantage.”

 

She got up clearly nervous about something.

 

“What is it Ullina?”

 

“Why me sir? Why me and Tiberus?”

 

“Your names came across, there were no agreements between others, no one seemed to block your transfers. Do you not like the job? Would you like a transfer?” Most never asked for a transfer, but he didn't know if many were as ballsy as Ullina.

 

“Um no sir. I just I didn't know why you chose us is all. It was a little strange to get the offer.” She stopped moving about the office and came to the left side of the desk. “When I heard it was you – sir.” Her mandibles raised and she took another step forward. “Your time with Commander Shepard is well known among some circles.”

 

He raised a brow surprised at her candor. “Is that why you are here? To ask me questions about the famed human Commander?”

 

She stepped closer and slipped her hand over his. “Actually I came to speak to you – personally.” She bumped his arm with her chest and he should have realized what she was subtly asking him.

 

“What about?”

 

“Do you have a mate, sir?” The way her voice dipped, the rumble there. Suddenly he could feel the heat raising on his neck and he had no idea how to respond. But when he failed to respond she took that as a sign to make another move and rubbed one of her leg spurs against his. He groaned lightly and she moved in closer pressing her hands over his civilian clothes. Gulping lightly he felt her nip at his throat. There was certainly a temptation to follow through, to give himself over to the urge to release a bit of frustration not just on the impossible odds he was up against but the long months of absence away from Shepard.

 

If this was her, would she be resisting the temptation? He knew her and her slightly wandering eye, she never acted on it but he found it strange how her attraction could pull her in different ways. He remembered her saying that he had no clue about who she found attractive and she was right, he had no clue what lengths she may be swayed to go. Some how he doubted the Alliance would be just throwing people at her, but she was back on Earth and possibly back with Kaidan. He knew that she had broken things off with the biotic or had at the very least given up on their relationship for the time being. But now back in Alliance's hands Kaidan could certainly take the time to hash things out and maybe put their relationship on the mend. They had said it was casual.

 

And yet doing this now with Ullina it felt wrong. He needed closure out of Shepard before he could go diving into something else with another. He needed to tell her how he felt, that he had wanted more even if she was back with Kaidan at least he could say his peace and try to mend his crushed heart. But this, doing this – it would feel like a betrayal. Pulling away quickly he pushed himself so there was a fair distance between himself and Ullina.

 

“I'm sorry Ullina I can't do this. I don't have a mate in the traditional sense, but I have someone who is very close to me even though she is far away.”

 

He could see the dejection in her eyes but then she just straightened herself out. “Sorry sir, I thought I caught -”

 

He shook his head for not realizing he was likely giving some pretty bad signals all day today. “I'm sorry that was my bad. I was just happy for an enthusiastic recruit that I may have sent the wrong signals.”

 

“I understand sir, I am sorry for the presumption.”

 

“No need to apologize recruit, lets just keep this professional shall we?”

 

She nodded her head and quickly left the room. Garrus you big idiot. A few seconds later his omni-tool pinged telling him he had an hour to finish prepping for the meeting with the advisory board. He best get a quick bite before changing and going over the data again.

 

* * *

***Weeks Later***

 

“Commander, the Council wishes to see you.”

 

“You're not supposed to call me that anymore James.”

 

“Not supposed to salute you either.”

 

“Did they say what it was?”

 

“Only that it was urgent.”

 

Tossing the data pad on the bed she followed James out of her room only to see others rushing here and there. Something had happened and her gut told her Reapers.

 

\---

 

When he arrived at the meeting with the Primarch he was quickly escorted into the tablinum with other Generals and officials. Before introductions were made the Primarch walked in and spoke.

 

“Vakarian I am going to need to pull you off your task force detail.”

 

Standing up straighter he looked to the other Generals and officials.

 

“Sir?”

 

“I need you on Menae with some of Generals.  You will be their Reaper adviser.”

 

“Sir?”

 

“We are getting reports as you said. There is already a forward base up there and I need you up there helping our troops out. Communications with the Alliance have gone dark, I suspect the Reapers are heading there first but we have reports of something moving just beyond our system. I want us to be ready.”

"Yes sir."

 


	29. Tragedy or Clarity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard sees Kaidan again, but there are a lot of mixed feelings when they try to be teammates again. 
> 
> Garrus has been thinking a lot about Shepard while he is stuck on Menae. 
> 
> POV switches, from Leaving Earth to Citadel.

“Shepard.”

 

She felt her back stiffen at his voice, that voice which was like sweet honey poured into a dark cup of tea or the feel of a cool drink on a warm, summer day. She had not been prepared to hear that voice and she cringed internally at the possibility of more harsh words between them. Even with several Alliance soldiers surrounding them her mind went to the worst possible scenario. Anderson had said this was something big and she had thought that with the information he gave her it was about the Reapers. Now though she was starting to wonder if her trial and the Reapers were not one in the same. Maybe the something big was Kaidan's testimony and that would determine her involvement with whatever was going on with the Reapers.

 

Turning slowly she tried to pull her face to a neutral mask as she moved to greet Kaidan just at the point to hear Anderson say the word 'Major'. Fuck. Her whole measured calm was about to go out the window and she could feel the nervous pit rolling in her chest. She had never known how she would feel seeing him again. After Horizon, after his message to her and hers to him she had never heard from him again. It was possible the Alliance or Cerebus had blocked her message from ever getting to its destined target. The other possibilities were that he did receive it and was too angered to respond or he had respected the message and had moved on.

 

Looking at him now there was a split of feeling. The memories of Horizon would always come out strong and she supposed she would never forget the pain of that day, or regret the words said and what it had done to her, how it cut so deep. She couldn't release the anger that seethed from that day, the anger at being unjustly condemned by the one person she had cared for most. Even now her anger rose like a horrible beast as if waiting for him to say one word so she could spit venom at him. And then there was the other part of her that remembered what it was like to kiss those oh so soft lips, to feel his warm embrace, to feel his fingers running through her hair. She remembered the pull of attraction she had for him and maybe still had, the buzz of his biotics against her skin. She remembered how strongly she felt for him, how she could feel that slight pull toward him. And yet somehow in the flash of anger and love there was this calm center that felt nothing. Her only real thought remained as to why he was here now.

 

Months after Horizon, months after turning herself in and he was here now. When she had turned herself in she had almost half expected him to be there with a gloating smirk on his face. She had run through everything in her mind those first couple of weeks just expecting him to show up and want to talk or hash things out. Most of the time her mind went with the angry scenario, the two of them yelling and saying they hated one another. There were some versions when the words got heated only for the tables to turn unexpectedly and their lips to meet, that there would be a crackle of biotics between them before they fell into each others arms and all was lost. She daydreamed of what it would be like to be back together again, wrapped in each other. They knew each other so well.

 

Now though her mind was latched to the word Major and how if he became her commanding officer that would be certainly uncomfortable. But if the Alliance were looking to keep her in line and keep her from doing what they thought of as the wrong thing they would put Kaidan in charge. Even with their history he had more of the level head then she did. She had always said he was the head of the group on the original Normandy, but he was also her heart in some ways. And she could not forget that feeling. Then in a flash of her reeling mind and conflicting emotions she was whisked into the Council Chambers with Anderson leaving Kaidan and Vega behind her.

 

* * *

 

 

She stared into the med bay, the adrenaline of the last how many hours beginning to slowly leech out of her limbs, making every pulled muscle ache and her eyes feeling heavy with sleep.

 

“Shepard.”

 

Pulled out of the haze she turned her eyes toward Liara.

 

“Hey Liara, what's up?”

 

“Just coming to see how you are doing.”

 

“Fine, I guess.”

 

What else could she say? Could she say that watching Earth being attacked while others stayed and fought didn't hurt? That watching a boy get into a shuttle to then get blown apart didn't hurt. That Anderson had designated her the one to go get the Alliance help, to get the Council's help, to get people to for once be on the same page and work together. And yet even now she couldn't stop the acid bite of anger when she looked at Kaidan now. She couldn't stop the war of trying to understand and just being fed the fuck up with Kaidan. That the two steps of ground with him ended with being pushed five steps back. That while on the battlefield they moved like a team, the minute they started talking it all fell apart. She knew Kaidan wanted answers that he was trying to understand, to come up with a way to voice what was in his heart and the doubt he felt. She on the other hand could not be bothered to justify herself. She spent six months cut off from the world, six months where he could have found her and talked to her if he wanted. He could have hashed things out as they made their way to Mars, but instead he picked the worst possible moments and it grated on her. That even now when she had a clearer head and knew that she should feel something, worry or remorse at how she yelled at him she felt nothing. She was in full knowledge that he could die with those being the last words she said to him and she didn't feel bad. Not an ounce.

 

“He'll be fine. He's strong and a fighter. Don't lose hope Shepard, you have to believe he'll be fine.”

 

She sighed raking a hand over her face.

 

“Yeah, I'm sure you are right.”

 

“You should go in and talk to him, it might help.”

 

The laugh that came out of her was pitched high and rough.

 

“I seriously doubt it.”

 

“It can't have been that bad seeing him again.”

 

“Seeing him no. It was just everything else in between.”

 

“Because he didn't join you when you went against the Collector's?”

 

She sighed again and she could feel the pit of anger rolling forward.

 

“No, I didn't care that he didn't join me. You didn't join me and I was fine, maybe a little let down, but I was fine. There were other things said between us when we saw each other again for the first time and again on Mars. A lot of things are not right with us.”

 

“But isn't it worth trying to mend that break?”

 

“Honestly I don't know.”

 

She needed to put some distance between herself and Kaidan. She needed to wash out the emotion, find her calm and find that place where she could look at everything objectively. Standing here just looking into the med bay with words she bristled to scream at Liara because she was still pissed at Kaidan would not help.

 

“Come on lets go over everything we retrieved from the mech.”

 

She needed to put her mind on a different task, she needed to keep herself focused.

 

“We have at least another hour before we get to the Citadel. You could go up and rest.”

 

“I'll rest once we get to the Citadel and talk to the Council. Once I know -” She chanced a look back at the med bay. “Come on, I'll brew some tea and we can go over the details. I want to make sure everything is right.”

 

* * *

 

 

The days had started to bleed together and each day brought worse news. Not only were the Reapers at their doorstep but he had heard that Earth was overrun and fallen. Last he knew Shepard was there under lock and key. Could she be on Earth now, gun in hand and yelling at people? The other possibility was that she may be – he always halted himself from thinking the worst. He wanted to believe that she was doing all she could in this fight, that she was somewhere on Earth kicking husk butt and finding ways to take out the Reapers.

 

He thought of her more often now, thought of what he would have changed if he had the chance. Some nights he would take out the stolla she had sent him and run his fingers over the design. He imagined her weaving it with her small fingers, growling when she forgot a step or missed a stitch. There was an art in Shepard. He had never seen it before fully, but now he could see that she had a painfully accurate measure. She was a perfectionist by nature, always wanting to do it right so she wouldn't have to go back and do it again and yet sometimes she would let mistakes go if frustrated or at a point where going back meant undoing hours of work. He could see the way she organized things, her desk was always littered with data pads but there was a method to the mess. Sometimes she would laugh and say it was organized chaos and yet each data pad she knew the importance of, she knew which one needed to be done now and which one could wait a few hours or days.

 

She saw things no other person did. There was a creativity, a willing to try new things, try a different pattern. She was soulful, there was a depth to her often hidden. She was a master of secrets and no amount of torture or coercion would likely get her to talk, if she ever meant to tell a secret it was a sign of trust. Breaking that trust was like breaking a secret vow and she would never trust again. At least not to the depth of before. She thought differently, on the left side of weird she would say. If everyone usually went one way she would be the one person to turn a different direction. Not to be difficult but to see why no one was going that way. She was an explorer, always willing to move to the next spot, he could see that itch in her, that need after a certain amount of time to move. She respected nature's beauty. She was often in awe of simple things like a rolling thunderstorm or the smell of fresh earth after a rainfall.

 

She carried her pain and hurt. She would often bottle it to the point of almost loosing her cool. She feared showing her emotions, feared that it made her weak and that someone had an advantage over her. She was learning to live beyond her past instead of living in it. She was trying to find herself, find the meaning of her life and what she believed. She had issues with authority, hated those that hard nosed insubordination or were looking for ways to screw her over. She didn't have time for political games. Small talk was exactly that, she preferred getting to know people and understand them. She accepted independence and partnership, but she loathed someone that was a little bit too clingy. She hated lies even though she told them all the time, but he had a feeling she was trying to stop. She was misunderstood greatly, her words never came out just right. She was someone that was changing herself internally and yet everyone said she never changed. He knew her now more then he thought he knew and he knew how much he loved her, how much he wanted to take things further if they got the chance to see each other again.  If she wanted him again he wouldn't let the opportunity slip.

 

“Vakarian.”

 

Pulled out of his haze he put the stolla back and turned around. Menae was crawling with General's, Commanders, and every other type of soldier. While he didn't have an official title he was their foremost adviser on the Reapers which put his status fairly high among the other soldiers. Seeing General Victus before him he saluted him purely out of respect. If there is one turian among them that might come close to having the same the same insane thought patterns in a battlefield as Shepard, it was Victus.

 

“General Victus, sir.”

 

Victus saluted back. Then made a gesture.

 

“Time to put your skills to use Vakarian.”

 

Falling into line he nodded.

 

“What are we looking at?”

 

“Lots of Reapers, more then we know what to do with and our fleet is having a tough time making a single dent.”

 

Victus pulled him into one of the small bunkers and brought up the map of the turian forces and Reaper forces.

 

“I need to know what your recommendation is.”

 

“Sir?”

 

“Do we go on the offensive or defensive?”

 

How in the world was he supposed to know what to say? A single word could put determine the fate of billions. Glaring down at the map he sighed, he didn't know what to say.

 

“How about distraction?”

 

Victus looked over to him puzzled.

 

“The Primarch is still on Palaven along with other officials. We need to find a way to carve a small enough window to get them off of the planet, off of this moon and to the Council.”

 

“Distraction. Might be tough.”

 

“I never said it would be easy sir.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Here she was again. The fate of the universe back on her shoulders. Tasked with getting a Primarch to a war summit where she might get some support for Earth. Tasked with finding any and all resources to help build this weapon for Hackett and handed the uncertain fate of Kaidan. Everyone told her she could go in and see him now that he was a bit more stable, still unconscious but at least out of the danger zone and yet here she was standing in front of the door uncertain of what to do. The war of emotions still raged and her own mind and body were struggling to keep upright on top of the itching need to keep moving after hearing the reports of Reapers on Palaven. Palaven, where Garrus resided. Could he be there now sniping geth and telling tall tales about how this one time he went on a suicide mission through the Omega 4 relay?

 

She wondered idly if Leeta had been able to give him her gift before things got bad. Not that it was anything special, but she wanted him to know she hadn't forgot about him or the time they spent together. That if she had go rescue some Primarch from a Reaper infested Palaven moon she would be looking for a snarky sniper with one hell of an eye. She likely didn't have a lot of weight to throw around if she got the Primarch but couldn't find Garrus, but she would be hard pressed to leave the system without knowing the true fate of Garrus. No matter what was ahead in her future she needed to know.

 

The talk with the Council was the same old. She had been warning them again and again about the Reapers for years and now that there was physical proof barking at all their doors they were still unwilling to make a move. If everyone survived the Reapers she had a distinct feeling the Council was going to be the first to feel the outrage of the people. At least the Salarians were convening some war summit of leaders to discuss the Reaper threat. If she could get the leaders on board then maybe, just maybe the Council might move their asses and make a decision of some type. Then again this was the Council so they would likely chime in last minute when there was no other course of action left. At the very least Udina was not being completely useless. She still didn't like the guy, but it was nice to hear for a change that he was on her side and would do what he could to boost recruiting and funding for whatever the Alliance needed.

 

Turning away from the room containing Kaidan she decided to go back to the Normandy. If Kaidan wanted to talk to her when he was feeling better then he would. Until that time she decided not to press the issue. As much as she longed to stay and maybe wait out his recovering there was so much more that needed to be done, there was so much more she needed to figure out. For now she would just take things one step at a time, she needed to get to Palaven and Menae.

 

 


	30. I Need Your Love - Reunited

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard is reunited with Garrus on Menae. But is it a reunion both of them desire?
> 
> Switches POV between Shepard, Garrus and James for the first part. Features dialogue from the game.
> 
> Adding a bit of head cannon.

When the crackle came over the comms he sighed in relief. Going radio silent was one thing, but he had been routed around the long way after being separated from his group. Using lights and mirrors could let the team know he was safe on his perch, but it would give him away to the Reaper forces they were trying to herd off Victus' left flank. The crackle came over the comm again and he flipped over to the main channel to check if his group was there before checking the channel they were previously on. Immediately he heard that smoky voice, like fire and ice that sent chills down his spine, it was raw and harsh likely from yelling over gunfire.

 

That voice, it slipped through him and made him audibly groan just at the cadence of it. He could hear her mentioning the comms were back up and he knew he wasn't far from her location. Lifting up from his perch he knew he couldn't resist the chance to see her again, maybe even join her in whatever she was doing now. Then he heard her mention the Primarch and he was the closest thing to a Reaper adviser and he might end up roped along any way. Most of the Generals had his personal comms, but he had been working mostly with Victus.

 

Switching to the other comms he signaled his group he was heading into the near by camp to check on orders. Even with the comms back up there was still a lot of disarray and uncertain orders. He told the others to keep the left flank clear. If he was unlucky he'd be seeing them again. But maybe if he was lucky he would be back with Shepard again. Well, something had to go right for a change.

 

* * *

 

If Kaidan's voice was sweet honey filled with compassion and emotion and James was hot chili’s filled with heat and passion, then Garrus' voice was cool, tempered like the feel of silk against her skin. It wrapped around her making her feel very warm and safe. There was something hidden in that voice, relief or maybe guilt. She couldn't pin it down exactly and unlike James or Liara his face didn't give her much to go on in regards to emotion. It was the one thing she tried to hide from her face but her voice certainly gave her away.

 

When they came into the system it was like watching what happened to Earth all over again just from a different perspective. The greatest military fleet, heck the best military force and they were getting decimated. Seeing the large, orange blot on Palaven made her stomach twist and drop. She wasn't one to pray or bargain with deities she didn't believe in, but at this point she was willing to wager a lot just to know he was safe. Part of her hoped he'd be on Menae, but she certainly could not ask unless someone asked her. Unlike the humans and the asari, the turians had certain rules of conduct even during war times.

 

Their mission was about finding the Primarch, but if there was a chance she'd break the code of conduct just to ask about Garrus. Unfortunately, the Primarch came first or more importantly finding the new Primarch once she was advised Fedorian was killed getting off the moon. Nothing was ever easy, but hearing Garrus's voice, seeing him again that lightened her worry. There was an intense desire to hug him, to know this wasn't a dream set to become a nightmare. The huge smirking grin refused to move, but turian decorum said a more personal greeting would have to wait until there was a lull or they were off the battlefield. So instead she extended her hand to greet him as was more customary and he in turn took her hand in both of his. She could feel the blooming warmth on her cheeks and the roll of her stomach at the contact.

 

Damn him for being so smooth, so calm, so good looking. She noted the new armour right away after she searched his face for any tell he was just as glad to see her as she was to see him. But turians didn't have those types of tells and she doubted in their current company that his rumble was saying more, at least not that she noticed.

 

“So Garrus, any plans to break your record from last time?”

 

“My record?”

 

“How quickly your face can meet with a rocket? Or maybe you'll try for a Reaper this time.”

 

* * *

 

 

Scars laughed loudly as they made their way back to the airfield. The way Shepard snickered there was something rather girly about it. In fact her voice seemed softer, a little less rough with Scars now part of the group. Was she and he - Nah couldn't be. He was likely just recognizing history between Lola and Scars, seeing as how the two were old pals. No if there were two people that had a more personal history it was Lola and Kaidan. He heard the way they talked to each other, how the Commander got frustrated at the questions about her involvement on the attack on Mars, her involvement with Cerebus. He caught the looks Kaidan gave the Commander, the pained look when she snapped at him. Those two, there was definitely something between them besides old teammates.

 

Her and Scars were just good companions, he felt sure of it, even with the known rumour that Lola had a penchant for hooking up with teammates. Then again there were several rumours about her and most he had heard were proven false when he was acting as her bodyguard. She was something of a tease and could flirt with the best of them, but she always stopped anything from going to far. He felt certain she just liked to make people uncomfortable or she liked talking to people in a tone that could be viewed as softer by other species.

 

Of course his theory about Lola and Scars being just friends was starting to slowly erode since they found the new Primarch. Of course neither were giving him good clues, just small hints in the way she smiled toward Scars or bumped his arm. There was that moment just after they arrived on the Normandy where the two of them hung back for a moment and he swore he saw the Commander blush at something he didn't catch Scars say. The only way to find out for sure was to corner the Doc or Joker. The Doc would likely be a tough nut to crack, but Joker – Joker seemed to have no qualms slipping a little and discussing Shepard's personal life when questioned. Joker after all had been the one to positively confirm the relationship between Kaidan and the Commander just by the comment he made. All it would take is working in a well timed question. Since Shepard had left him down in the cargo hold to go over the weapons with Cortez while she headed up to get the Primarch set up there was a perfect opportunity to make his move. Too bad EDI was on the fritz, but he could wait.

 

* * *

 

Victus was not like every other politician where there were flowery words to mask true intentions. He wasn't scheming or plotting to cover himself in case there was any blow back. Victus had a certain type of magnetism. Maybe it was their combined luck on being the voice for their people and rallying support. Maybe it was both of them being pulled from the fight. There was something about Victus that made her ask more questions, that made her heart rate pick up. Damn it. Her libido these days was swinging in all directions. You don't need to flirt or fuck the Primarch to get what you want. But even as she chastised herself she knew she would keep flirting. It was just her way.

 

If the way she left a conversation sometimes was not a clear indicator of how socially awkward she could get she didn't know what was. She knew her flirting gave off the wrong impression and yet she still hadn't figured out a way not to flirt. She knew if someone tried to make a move she'd be back pedaling so fast. She was too chicken to make any moves. And while she lusted and fantasized, that is all it was. Her need to hop to some other was coupled only by her uncertainty about her and Garrus. The fear that he didn't feel the same and maybe in a few years he wouldn't want her crazy, obsessive, slightly jealous, needy, and sometimes distant ass. She knew she was bossy and demanding and not the best person to be in a relationship with.

 

It was easy for her to be irked by someone, to get angry, to suddenly loathe and dislike someone. She knew some day she'd feel that for Garrus and she would feel that disconnect of loving him and possibly hating him at the same time. She would need to find a way to sort through her anger, to voice her displeasure and not let it build up and bottle it up like she had with Kaidan. She didn't want to really hate Garrus, maybe hate was the wrong word to use. She knew or at least thought she had a good idea of how she felt about Kaidan. She didn't want to hate him, but the emotion for him was deep and strong. She knew she would always feel for Kaidan, there was a past and a familiarity but she felt certain that they were over. Doubt still clouded her especially with her uncertainty about Garrus, but she felt certain that if Garrus had moved on she'd not be compelled to fall back to Kaidan out of loneliness or feeling worthless. No that would be just a toxic way to start things.

 

Victus was made for war as Garrus told her and being made for war meant he saw a possible solution to a problem, but that solution involved the krogan. Good thing she was old friends with the clan leader, at least if he was still alive. She had heard a lot of dissenting voices when she last visited Tuchanka. But before she called the summit she decided to head back and dock the ship at the Citadel to invest in some upgrades and supplies for the ship. They would likely be spending a lot of time in space with few safe havens to dock. Last she needed was to run out of good dextro or levo food while ferrying a diplomat or the crew getting cabin fever for not having enough free spaces for them to blow off steam. On top of that she had less then a full compliment of crew and no XO. Everyone on her ship was at the least doing double duty if not more.

 

Plus there were also two messages that pulled her back to the Citadel. One was from Kaidan telling her he was doing better if she wanted to stop by and the other was a rather cryptic message from Aria T'Loak. Once she punched in the coordinates she did her usual rounds, stopping to chat with Joker and EDI in her new body then she stopped by Traynor. She wasn't trying to avoid Garrus but was more giving him a chance to settle in and catch a wink or eat before she pestered him. Liar. She had been avoiding him because she was nervous, nervous about everything. Maybe the hand shake back on Menae had been just that a hand shake. Maybe she had exaggerated what she felt he was conveying to her, maybe all she had been getting was camaraderie and not steamy suggestions of being alone. But she couldn't avoid seeing him forever and if it was just a friendship, she wanted to find out now then to go blindly and get blind-sided later. After visiting Doctor Chakwas her eyes were drawn to the main battery. Ah fuck it.

 

So her reason for heading to Garrus was a bit two-fold, clear the air if they needed to and to tap him to take care of the Normandy for her while she was off ship. Until she could get someone to fill the XO void without taxing someone, she needed someone the crew might listen to. Garrus was already coordinating things for the Primarch and he was known among some of the staff like Joker, James, Cortez, Liara, Adams, and Chakwas. That knowledge would put any newer crew members at ease. He may not be Alliance but she knew Garrus would get this done.

 

She entered the main battery and could immediately hear Garrus talking to Victus. It was sinful listening to the two of them talk even when it was about the war. Geez Shepard pull yourself together. This was certainly has not been the longest dry spell she had been in. Stepping into the main battery more she waited for the Primarch and Garrus to stop talking.

 

“Hey Garrus. Didn't waste any time getting to work I see.”

 

“Whatever is wrong with the Normandy isn't down here. Besides after what I've been through lately, calibrating a giant gun is a vacation. Gives me something to focus on.”

 

“We're going to need you for a lot more then your aim.”

 

“Oh I'm ready for it, but I'm pretty sure we’ll still need giant guns and lots of them.”

 

“Can't argue with that.”

 

“Yeah – so...is this the part where we shake hands? Wasn't sure about the protocol on reunions is or even if you still felt the same way about me. The scars are starting to fade, but I remember that they drove you wild.”

 

She started to laugh.

 

“But I can get all new ones if that will help.”

 

“I haven't forgotten our time together.”

 

“Well I've been doing some more research on human customs..”

 

She gestured with her finger.

 

“Come here big guy and give me a kiss.”

 

Garrus was quick to advance and she could feel her pulse quicken at the look he gave her. Sliding her hand up his armour her lips met his mouth plates and she could feel the emotion surging through her. She had bottled her worry, her sadness, her anguish for the last few hours and days, so the only emotion left in her was anger and now relief. Tiny tears filled her closed eyes as their tongues touched tenderly. The kiss was not pressed with need, but was more a slow savour of reuniting. But the longer they stayed in the embrace the more her hands longed to feel more, her body had been aching for him since she saw him. Fingers skirted down the armour wishing he didn't have an extra layer dividing them. Fingers pressed on the seals hungry for some personal contact.

 

“Shepard.” He sighed parting their slow kiss.

 

“Mm, Garrus.” She pulled back only a slight bit refusing to disentangle herself fully from him.

 

“We really shouldn't.”

 

She groaned.

 

“The Primarch could call at any time or walk in.”

 

“Then we lock the door and turn off the comms.”

 

“That might not be exactly prudent.”

 

She sighed in exasperation.

 

“But even when he's off the ship he'll still call or message.”

 

“But he'll be off the ship. While you command the ship I am still under his direct command, even while working for you. If he told me tomorrow he wanted me back on Menae I would have to comply.”

 

She stood back and crossed her arms over her chest.

 

“Would he do that?” She tried to hide the shock out of her voice. Would they get back together just to have him ordered away? She could feel her heart wrench at the thought. Tell him. But her lips remained still.

 

“No. He knows we are old friends and have worked together before. I spoke to him about it and mentioned it might be advantageous to have someone you know on the ship. That if you stumbled upon some turian supplies or items of importance you might be willing to part with them if there is a friendly face asking.”

 

“Friendly face hmm?” She smirked now.

 

“Well I didn't want to say something else and be proven wrong.”

 

“Hmm well the friendly face is rather persuasive. Too bad mine isn't the same.”

 

“It is – more then, but there are guidelines about this and until he gives me the – hmm leave, I'd rather not presume.”

 

She sighed. “Okay, I will try to be respectful, but this definitely was not the welcome I was hoping for.”

 

“Don't worry I'll make it up to you.”

 

The way he said those words, it hit her hard and made her groan.

 

“I'll keep you to that promise Vakarian.”

 

“So was there another reason you stopped by?”

 

“You mean other then propositioning you?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“There were a few things. I was wondering if you would help me with a little project – actually several, but only if you want.”

 

“Sounds mysterious.”

 

She chuckled. “You may not think so when you hear my plan.”

 

“Alright, let's hear it.”

 

Bringing up her omni-tool she punched in a few things.

 

“Well I've been looking over the Normandy schematics there are some things I think we could improve upon, space that could be used wisely, upgrades I'm thinking of.  There is also something I need to ask you and it is okay if you say no.”

That had him intrigued.

 

 


	31. The New Game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone devised an ingenious way for the two of them to be together even while floors apart.
> 
> Fluffy, POV switches

“Garrus.”

 

“Shepard.”

 

Picking up her glass she lifted off the couch. “I should probably get going, these reports won't do themselves.”

 

“You don't need to leave.”

 

“I think I do.” She strolled to the door of the lounge, but halted before hitting the sensor that would cause the doors to open. “Oh James tries to hide the good stuff in a little compartment in the back of the bar. Saw some turian brandy back there.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

She only nodded before proceeding to leave the room. Making Garrus her XO had been a good and sound decision, only problem came in going over reports – alone. They could be adults most of the time, but she supposed it was the thrill of pushing the line of acceptable that had gotten dangerous. They could keep their hands to themselves most of the time, but all it took was one brush, one chuckle, one bump or nudge and decorum was out the window. She supposed it was good that they both ached to do more, that there was still that fire for each other that refused to be tempered.

 

There was a small humm in her ear before her personal comm turned on and she heard his voice breaking her concentration.

 

“So do you know all the secret hiding places of the Normandy?”

 

“It is a Captain's, no sorry Commander's job to know.”

 

Ducking into the elevator she could feel her cheeks burning a bit from the thought of looking weird as she talked to an unknown voice. Her ears picked up on him taking a drink and the sound alone sent her pulse higher and her stomach flipping as the elevator doors closed. Punching in her cabin quarters, she held the glass in her hands and took a small sniff of the alcohol.

 

“Anything else you know about?”

 

“Nothing you need to know about yet.”

 

“Hmm are you hiding something from me Shepard?”

 

“Maybe, maybe not.”

 

“Don't tease me Shepard, I'll find out.”

 

“You might deserve a little teasing. When I mentioned you should find a way to get the Primarch off the ship or thoroughly detained on the Citadel I wasn't kidding.”

 

“Easier said then done. I think he has an aversion to politics and meeting anyone off ship right now.”

 

She sighed as she left the elevator and headed for her room.

 

“Should have tried harder.”

 

“So I'm taking it the reason you wanted him busy was for personal reasons?”

 

“Yes.”

 

There was a muffle then a scratching type of noise.

 

“And I'm taking it is a surprise I might like?”

 

“Yes.” She sighed gently and he imagined her lithe form slowly slipping out of her pants.

 

“Is it a place on the Citadel?”

 

She could hear the echo of the lounge changing as he moved from the room and made his way to the Main Battery.

 

“No.”

 

Now it was her turn. “Did you get my gift from Leeta?”

 

“Yes.” She caught the noise of doors swishing open and closed before the lock was put in place.

 

“Will I get to take my time?”

 

“All the time is yours Vakarian.” There was an audible sounds of seals being undone and armour being removed. She could imagine the pieces falling away bit by bit revealing the under suit beneath, the muscles of his legs so strong and powerful, moving under the piece of fabric. Sliding onto the bed she got herself nice and comfortable. The room seemed so empty without him most of the time, without him to join her the large bed was huge when she didn't need to share. The eerie light of the fish tank was no more and was now swallowed by construction film and tools.

 

“Do you want to know where my hands are right now?”

 

The reply on his end was breathy and warm that made her chuckle in that secret soft way that made his plates shift. Moving over to the small turian cot, it was definitely no Shepard's wide bed that was hard when he slept certain ways. The cot did not have familiar smells but it took care of what needs he had. One current need was pooling in his lower region. Slipping off his gloves he placed them near the cot before beginning to slip out of his under suit.

 

“Tell me Shepard.”

 

She moaned a bit and he nearly had to brace himself. Spirits did she sound good. He knew it would be a short trip to the elevator and into her arms, to feel that smooth and soft skin under his hands. It was too bad his morals always kept him from taking that option.

 

* * *

 

This was their new game. Secretly whispering words and things they wanted to do to each other. It hadn't quite started this way, but it was as close as they were going to get for a while. It also helped that if her and Garrus were had to reach on the comms most assumed they were going over the changes to the Normandy. Those that didn't know they had a relationship prior to now were easily convinced of the lie. There had been a few times they were almost caught but that only made the game a bit more thrilling. Of course they both teased the other for being the perpetrator, but she really blamed it all on Garrus and his far too sexy voice. She remembered how he was joking with her over the comms and had said something in the right timber that made her audibly moan. Of course when he told to stop moaning she told him to stop using that tone. It was all downhill from there.  The game did not always start with questions sometimes there were descriptive words from both of them detailing how good looking the other was or where their hands were roaming.

 

His voice could tilt in such a way that it reached so far down it made her ache. She really had no idea he had such a naughty streak or how he knew exactly the right thing to say. When did he get so smooth? It seemed the tables were turned now. Before he was the awkward one that bumbled and made analogies that didn't come out right, now he was the one making her tongue tied and bumbling. She was never as smooth as she thought she was and it actually took her a while to get comfortable saying dirty and salacious things to him. Meanwhile, he ran laps around her saying the most innocuous things that would set her pulse racing. Damn him.

 

Time certainly could not go fast enough until the business with the Primarch was done and they had krogan support. She had been tempted to proposition Garrus with some other acts that were not exactly sexual. Yeah right. If they couldn't handle being alone in a room without touching there was no way something mildly sexual wouldn't turn into a full blown debacle. No they would have to wait if they could. Damn this waiting game.

 

* * *

 

He couldn't believe she was initially bad at this. The woman had gone against the geth, the Collectors, and Reaper soldiers of all types and she was bad at proposition. She wasn't bad more like unskilled. It took her a while to find the right words to describe how she felt, how she imagined his hands on her body, how she said he tweaked her nipples or how his fingers brushed down her skin making her shudder. At first she could barely speak but the way she moaned and groaned was enough. Now though, Spirits was she divine.

 

When she started saying his name high and throaty, how much she wanted him he was done. He groaned loudly wishing it wasn't his hand grasping his cock at this moment. He cursed loudly as he could hear her voice shuddering through her own release. He tried to visualize her face set in bliss at the release. Slowly he came down from the high to the feel of his spent seed all over his hand and body. Reaching over he grabbed the clothe to clean up hearing Shepard groaning and sighing on the other end of the earpiece. It was several long minutes of them sighing, moaning and groaning before he broke the subdued silence.

 

“Shepard -” He groaned as he passed the clothe over his cock. “The things I am going to do to your body.”

 

There was a soft moan before she chuckled lightly. “Don't promise something you can't deliver Vakarian.”

 

“Oh I'll deliver, even if it means I have to knock out the Primarch and start a universal war just to do so.”

 

“Hmm you could do that now.”

 

“Don’t tempt me Shepard.”

 

“Me? Would I do such a thing?”

 

“You would.”

 

She chuckled again in that soft only for him tone and he could feel himself being far too turned on.

 

“So about this surprise.”

 

She laughed deep and throaty. “You think I would tell you that I was planning a surprise knowing how you are? Wouldn't be much of a surprise.”

 

It was his turn to chuckle. “Or a good way to throw me off the scent by saying there is no surprise.”

 

“Guess you'll have to investigate and find out.”

 

“Tease.”

 

“Someone has to.” She sighed. “Wish you were here beside me Garrus.”

 

“I feel the same Shepard. The cot isn't as big as your bed, but it feels empty all the same.”

 

“You say the best things.”

 

“I try.” He could hear her moving around on the bed.

 

“Guess I should try to get some sleep. Lots of work still to do tomorrow.”

 

“We'll do this Shepard. You'll get us through and to the end.”

 

“Yeah. I guess.” There was a long puff of air from her lips. “Okay guess I should sign off. Good night Garrus.”

 

“Good night Shepard.”

 

He tried not to think about how distant her voice sounded, how defeated she had sounded. They had a lot of wins under their belt, but a lot of losses too. The asari refusing to join the war summit, finding a marine's body dragged into an alleyway and left to rot on Benning, nearly losing Grunt after freeing the Rachni Queen. On top of that was the nightmares she started having. Some she said were about Alchera as she gasped for air as she was pulled toward the planet. Other nightmares were about Torfan or Earth, but the most jarring ones she said were about Mindoir. Mindoir where she could hear the slaughter of her family all while running after a young boy who was killed by Reapers. He wished he could be there to hold her those nights and let her know she was safe.

 

He tried to shake this feeling she was distancing herself from him because all she saw was a bad end and didn't want to drag him down. She didn't want to ruin him if she didn't come out of this war alive. Only thing was she likely had ruined him, it wouldn't be like Alchera, but she was it for him. Whatever else came after, it would never be the same without her. He also tried to banish Wrex's blabbing about how Shepard and Victus spent too much time behind closed doors together. He knew the two shared some commonality of their positions and conversed regularly on strategy, but certainly it couldn't be more. He knew they never discussed much about where their relationship was, the topic never seemed prudent to bring up and he didn't want to screw something up by pushing for more. Did she even want more? He supposed he needed to be patient and trust in her, even if there was a part of him that warned his heart on getting too attached. Maybe he should plan his own way to bring up the topic. Stretching out he began to doze wondering what activity they could do in which he could find out about their relationship.

 

 


	32. Am I Wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard meets an old friend on the Presidium and she suddenly realizes something she hadn't before.

“You know I'm thinking you need to put out a bulletin when you are done with one turian so we can go for it.”

 

She was pulled out of her thoughts as she stared out across one of the river/lakes of the Presidium.

 

“What?” Craning her neck she looked over to the person behind the voice. The moment she saw Leeta's face her scowl at being interrupted turned to a smile.

 

“Leeta!” Turning around fully she approached the turian and embraced the woman. Screw decorum and traditional turian greetings. If there was one person that had been her cheerleader during the whole Collector ordeal it was Leeta. Heck Leeta was the whole reason she even made a move on Garrus and that had turned out better then expected. Releasing Leeta from the hug she was still smiling. Seeing a bench near where she was standing at the railing she gestured.

 

“Come and sit with me. What is going on, you know other then the Reapers?” Taking a spot on the bench, she patted the spot next to her. “And what did you say before?”

 

Leeta chuckled and joined her on the bench.

 

“Nothing is new, just different orders now. Decided to stop at the Citadel to resupply and when I heard the Normandy was here – well I thought of messaging you, but then I saw you having some hot dinner date with a new turian and decided to wait. So I'm guessing things didn't work out between you and Garrus?”

 

“Wait what? Hot date? That wasn't a date.”

 

“Yes it was.”

 

“No. No. No. Just a dinner.” She shook her head.

 

“Alone, with him at a nice restaurant? With him definitely making some moves, he filled your glass, bumped your leg, touched your hand. You seemed to be responding in kind.”

 

“I was?!”

 

She was shocked, surely the dinner with Victus had been purely friendly. The invitation had seemed friendly enough and how could she really decline the Primarch something a bit more personal. They had talked in the war room and had shared a few dinner conversations over their dinner plates or trays. Everything seemed innocent when he had asked her specifically to join him, sure he was attractive and was quite witty, but she assumed their positions and the unique war brought them together. But now that Leeta said something the pieces of those meetings with him bumping her at times, his head craning closer to her all fell into place. Putting a hand over her face she groaned. How had she not seen the signs? Fuck.

 

“I'm guessing that is not what you wanted to do?” She could hear the teasing in Leeta's voice, the coy little tone.

 

“Uh no. I mean not that he isn't tempting, but - “ She sighed. “I didn't intend to come across as actually fully interested."

 

“Hmm you sure? Because you were giving all the right signals.”

 

“As I said tempted, he is quite magnetic, but no. And before you say it, yes I am still with Garrus if what you call what we have as together.” She could see Leeta lifting her brow plates in skepticism.

 

“And yet you are out to dinner with a different turian? He must be forgiving.”

 

“He couldn't come the Primarch asked him to – no. No, no.”

 

“What do you think the Primarch would help that turian?” Leeta gestured to the long departed Primarch.

 

“That turian is the Primarch.”

 

“Oh.”

 

Moaning she buried her face in her hands. “What do I do?”

 

Lifting her gaze she cursed under her breath. “How do I tell the Primarch I'm not interested without it causing a fissure in the Alliance I'm trying to pull together?”

 

“Are you sure you are not interested? Maybe a quick roll around with you and his infatuation will be sated. I mean I don't see the appeal.”

 

The comment made her laugh, but she still shook her head in the negative. She supposed Victus would always be tempting to her in some way, but that did not diminish that she was still trying to figure out all there was between her and Garrus. They were still in the fledgling of their relationship where even time apart had not lessened what they felt for each other, but she knew the day would come when it wouldn't be all stomach flips and wanting him near.

 

“Alright, well how would you tell someone that wasn't the Primarch?”

 

She shrugged. “I would avoid them until they stopped calling or sending me messages or I'd send them a note telling them I wasn't interested.”

 

“For a woman that takes on Reapers for a living you really don't like confronting people or telling them something to their face if it is not work related do you?”

 

“Uh no.”

 

“Hmm. Have you tried mentioning casually you are seeing someone?”

 

She paused for a second surprised that what Leeta said would be the easiest answer. “No I haven't.”

 

“Well I think it is about time you did.”

 

“And if it doesn't work?”

 

“Just tell him or kiss Garrus or somebody else in front of him.”

 

Heaving her shoulders a bit, she glanced back out to the water.

 

“Guess anything is worth a shot.” Taking a deep breath in she smoothed out her shirt.

 

“Alright enough weird talk about my love life. What are you doing now? I would guess your old orders expired with the war.”

 

“Sort of. But since I was recently asked to be a sponsor to someone's application to be a turian citizen, I think the parameters might have changed.”

 

“Huh didn't think that would even reach you.”

 

“It did. And you get my definite approval. If Garrus ever turns out not to be the mate you want I'm next in line right?”

 

She laughed lightly. “You are a definite possibility, but I make no promises.”

 

“You're crushing my heart.” Leeta smirked but she lifted her arm pulling up her omni-tool and she followed suit linking the document with a new signature on the form.

 

“With our government in disarray where are you going to get the other signatures?”

 

“Well I have one turian that owes me a debt and one that is 'secretly' taking me on dates. I think I can convince them to oblige.”

 

“So have you told Garrus you are doing this?”

 

“No. In case things go bad or I don't get the final signatures or approvals I need – plus it is a bit of a surprise right now.” She paused. “Although, now that I think of it I was wondering if maybe you could help me with something else.”

 

“It wouldn't take much to persuade me.”

 

“Good I think.” She smiled glad to see her friend again. With this war she was not sure when she would see Leeta again. Of course she would try to keep up corresponding with Leeta when she could but this war was keeping her busy running here and there. There was a good chance this could be their first and last time seeing each other and she would take what time she could to enjoy this moment with Leeta.  

 


	33. The Fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The war is taking its toll and there is some uncertainties about the future. Garrus and Shepard have their first fight.
> 
> POV Switches.

Doubt was like a weed once it took root it was hard to remove no matter the means of removal. He knew they hadn't spoken much about the next step in their relationship or if she even wanted the next step. Time was becoming a scarce quantity with the amount of people or places begging for help or aid. If it wasn't the Alliance asking her to check on something it was his own government, or the krogans or the salarians or the asari. There was no shortage of people in need, which was maybe why he didn't understand her motives for helping Aria T'Loak. Her time could go to better use, he felt certain there was a genophage that needed curing and something super secret the turian government was involved in on Tuchanka. Surely those two things trumped anything that Aria could offer.

 

His doubt was not on her fully, he understood the need for time and he had pretty much rebuffed her on any physical activity until the Primarch was a little more away. Could he blame her for seeking companionship in others when he couldn't offer it? If her time wasn't monopolized in finding resources and helping others, Wrex and the Primarch gobbled up the rest. But it was more recent that the Primarch had been hoarding his time with Shepard. He had tried to ignore Wrex mentioning the Primarch was making moves on Shepard. But the more he tried to ignore the comments the more they became obvious and true. He doubted Shepard even thought it was more then Victus being himself. She wouldn't know certain things were overt cues of interest, she didn't have the ear to notice the change in his sub-harmonics or what the bumps meant. He couldn't blame her if she didn't have a clue right?

 

“Aria T'Loak? Going to Omega alone? Are you insane?!”

 

Buckling her grieves she looked up to Garrus.

 

“This isn't exactly by choice. I told her my team could be discreet. It is me or nothing. I can't pass up the opportunity.”

 

“Like hell you can't. Haven't you done enough for her? Giving her the Blood Pack, Eclipse, and the Blue Suns wasn't enough?”

 

She knew how he felt when she mentioned helping bring the mercenary groups under Aria's control. Even under different leadership there were still old memories from his Omega days that would never go away. She didn't like the thought of working for Aria but the resources of the mercs groups and Omega were hard to turn away. If Victus was willing to try brokering peace with the krogan then working with Aria was a small price to pay. Plus there was the advantage of stealing something from Cerebus, taking away valuable resources. She had already taken from Cerebus' grasp the Prothean artifacts and she had made sure they never got their hands on the Grissom Academy students they were after. Anything that would give her advantage over Cerebus she'd take. They were all making concessions and she couldn't expect leaders to do something while she did not.

 

“Would you have me leave Omega to Cerebus? Let the Illusive Man reap the rewards of its resources.”

 

“I'd prefer you bomb it from space and be done with the place.”

 

She smirked a little. “Not going to happen. Trust me I don't like this, it reminds me too much of Aratoht going alone, likely still end up court martialed, but we all need to make concessions.”

 

“Is that what you are calling it Shepard?”

 

She looked up and could see how he fidgeted, that his mandibles were close to his face. There was something on his mind, maybe more then making deals with merc groups and Aria.

 

“What is up Garrus?”

 

“When does it become not a concession. What price are you willing to pay for the resources you need? If Cerebus came up to you and said they'd give you everything you could ever want but you had to stab the turian people in back.”

 

“Garrus I've committed myself to making this alliance work.”

 

“And yet you are taking your time finishing sealing the deal on the alliance between the turian and krogans.”

 

“Because I need the Normandy ready.”

 

“Is that it? Or has another offer come across?”

 

“I can't send this ship from place to place for weeks or months on end and not know the toll it will take. I have crew doing double duty. Is it a sin to give them place to kick back and relax? Is it a sin to give dignitaries a place to sleep?”

 

“No, but where are you getting the funds to do these upgrades?”

 

“You're joking.”

 

“No Shepard. I know the Alliance is paying you for some of the resources you find. Don't see why you wouldn't make other back room deals with Cerebus or other human aligned groups to get the funds you wanted.”

 

“Is that what you think I've done? I took the Grissom Academy students from Cerebus, took the Prothean artifacts too. What deal did I make out of those?”

 

“I don't know, but each benefited the Alliance in some way.”

 

“And yet the other things I've acquired have not helped the turian Hierarchy? The Banner of the First Regiment when I let you retrieve it with Victus and James. The one that nearly got you all killed twice because you were messing around.”

 

“And now it is mysteriously missing.”

 

“Seriously? Who did I give it out to that wanted that? Maybe the General in Purgatory who thought it would be best used for recruitment and remind the turian people there is still hope. Something the Primarch cleared. Was that self-serving?”

 

“No it was not.”

 

“This war is going to force me to make some hard decisions going forward but I promised your Primarch I would follow through on brokering peace and get him the krogan help he needed even with the asari bowing out at the mention of it. But I will keep my promises.”

 

“Then where are you getting the money?”

 

“Besides hacking Cerebus files?”

 

He nodded.

 

“I had a lot stowed away from when we worked for Cerebus and even before then. I had Liara hide the money out away from the Alliance and Cerebus. But I get the sense that is not really why you are here. So what is going on Garrus? Why the fifth degree examination?”

 

“I saw you.”

 

“Not following.”

 

“With Victus on the Presidium. I've noticed the way you are together.”

 

Shit. Fuck. Before the Reapers, before this war she thought she knew what would come of her future. She had started the paperwork to become a turian citizen, figured she would spend some time doing Alliance work and then leave and settle down on Palaven. She thought she knew what she wanted, but in reality she didn't even know if her and Garrus were more then friends. Sure they had kissed here and there and they had their version of verbal sex, but when she tried to push to subject of anything more physical she was turned down. It seemed like he had no time for her. She knew he had his mind on helping with the war effort and worrying about his family still stuck on Palaven, but he still felt miles away even when he was right next to her.

 

* * *

 

 

The yelling got to a crescendo neither of them could ignore. It was hard not to think that blows were being traded just verbal ones. Even with the sometimes misconception of turians being rather violent he knew it would never come to real blows between the Commander and Garrus.

 

“Huh didn't know the two of them were an item.” James whispered.

 

“You mean you didn't notice?” He looked over to James wondering how the marine was so oblivious sometimes.

 

“I mean I thought, you know her and Buzz were a thing.”

 

“Buzz?”

 

“Yeah Kaidan, when he was on board he was always buzzing about Shepard, his biotics always made it sound like he was humming some odd tune. Buzz. I mean it was easy to tell those two had history.”

 

“Maybe so. But the Commander and Garrus, it is easy to see the two of them have something going on. If you have seen the way she looks at Garrus there is more there between them. ”

 

“Think they are fighting over all the trips she makes to the Citadel? Heard she always stops off at Huerta Memorial for a long trip.”

 

“Well from what I hear there is more then one old teammate at the hospital.”

 

“Yeah but doubt they have personal history with the Commander.”

 

 


	34. A Posteriori

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard muses on what is next for her and Garrus after their fight. Does she really want more or will this be it for her?
> 
> POV switches. Present and Past mingle in this chapter.

Exhaustion was pulling at her nerves, making her anxious to be out of the shuttle and on her own ship. Her eyes felt so heavy but she didn't trust closing them, Aria could vouch for her people under her all she wanted but that did not mean she trusted them. She just hoped Aria kept her end of the bargain or the whole trip to Omega was for nothing. The fight with Garrus, the strain it put there – if Aria didn't follow through then Garrus would be right and she would be the fool for trusting Aria.

 

As the shuttle banked to the right toward the docking bays she tried to make out her ship amongst the traffic and those ships docked. She loved seeing her ship, every time she was gone for a long enough time seeing the Normandy was like seeing home after a long journey. It let her know the trials she suffered and the road she traveled were coming to an end. Seeing the Normandy meant that her safe haven, the place where she felt most at peace even in this war was not far off.

 

The Normandy would be a symbol, it was the reality that humans and turians could work together even with a war not 30 years ago. It was a beacon for many, a second home for others, and a great beauty. One of the most beautiful ships she had even seen and served on. It had changed her life and so much more. Turning the corner she could see the belly of her ship up ahead and knew they were close to the docking bay. She was close to getting out of her armour to soak in a hot shower and then sleep off the last few days. The minute the shuttle was on the ground she was pressing the lever just to get out. Her skin crawled, her muscles ached, her mind felt foggy, but she couldn't leave the shuttle fast enough. When her feet hit the ground pain in her feet shot up her legs, she had been sitting too long but when she sat down it felt good to finally be off her feet.

 

Waving away Bray she slowly hobbled toward the docking bay door. The Alliance News Network was tallying where the Reapers were now but she couldn't be bothered to listen or pay attention, all she wanted was to get back to her ship, get back home. Her head hung low as the decontamination cycle ran, she was on edge just to get on her ship, being closer only made the edge more fine. As the cycle finished she moved toward the door, as soon as it swished open she saw Garrus standing there and she felt her heart flip. Fuck she wasn't prepared for this. His arms opened and she sighed.

 

She shook her head from the day dream when the doors of the ship finally opened and there was no Garrus standing there. She knew she had fucked up, the chances of mending anything were low. There was no chance Garrus would be anywhere. She knew his feelings about Omega, she knew how he felt. They had argued before she left and when she had tried to talk it out with him it had gone no where. She could feel the urge to go down and talk to him, but at her current state nothing would come out right. No it was best she rest and maybe formulate all that she wanted to say, figure out how she felt about everything.

 

* * *

 

“Garrus please don't shut me out like this. I don't want to leave here without things being settled.”

 

Her whole stomach had been in knots since they fought. She hated how her words came out, how nothing was said right. The more she fumbled the worse the arguing got. He had left the argument fuming. For several minutes she had sat trying to run over everything said, how she had tried to explain but failed, how her hurt and anger got in the way and pushed petty issues to the forefront. It was a down hill struggle from there.

 

Their first real blow up fight and she felt sick, that wasn't how she wanted it to go. When she had tried to seek him out in the Main Battery it was locked and he barred her access. When she tried to message him he never responded. The clock was ticking down to her departure to meet up with Aria, but she couldn't leave things and not say something, anything. This was her last ditch maneuver, their personal comms, if he didn't responded – she felt sick.

 

“Garrus please.”

 

There was a crackle and her ears strained to hear even a single sound.

 

“I don't know if I should be concerned or not care while you are gone. Should I care if you never come back?”

 

His words were like a knife slashing at her. She hadn't been kind in her backlash when he questioned her 'involvement' with Victus.

 

“Garrus.”

 

“Don't. I need some time Shepard. Maybe this is all going a bit too fast. This war might not be the best time to make any lasting plans.” There was a long pause and she could feel the tears in her eyes stinging hot.

 

“You should go.”

 

Her chest felt heavy and she hung her head. This wasn't what she wanted. This isn't how it should have gone and yet it did. She hadn't been able to say a word right and it could cost her him. Had she only reigned in her anger, had she only been less of a coward and told him how she felt. But she was scared, scared her heart had already fallen in love with him and didn't know what she would do if he didn't feel the same. She was scared if she pushed too hard he'd walk away. She feared if she grabbed and reached for more he'd reject her not wanting more then what they had discussed. She feared in time this would all turn to dust, that in time she'd grow angry with him and that would be it for her, that she wouldn't feel that lust again.

 

She knew she wasn't one to be in love in the common sense forever, that her body and mind betrayed her with being attracted to others, that she would fantasize about the possibilities with another. But just because she lusted, just because she fantasized didn't reduce her ability to be in a relationship or retain one. But she knew they both fucked up and she was the biggest fuck up for not being more honest. She had told herself before she wouldn't be the first to declare love, that how she handled things before she wouldn't do them again. She wouldn't hold herself back, she wouldn't hold in her anger until it became bottled rage that all her feelings turned sour.  But she was drawing close to a point that she may give up. She hated this uncertainty of where they were with each other, she hated the possibility that he didn't want more, that his refusal to do more was because he really didn't want her anymore. She hated being this person so into him and worrying that one day he'd just walk away because they were nothing more then fuck buddies.

 

She was tired of that being the only thing people were interested in her for. That all someone wanted was pleasure, that she wasn't valued high enough for someone to not just fuck her but to get to know her too. She wanted to try to have a relationship again. What she had with Garrus in the beginning had been perfect because she wasn't sure what she even wanted in life, she wasn't sure she wanted to date again or be with someone. It had gone so wrong before and she wasn't ready to chance it again. But there was a depth to what they had, it meant more to her hell she was secretly trying to become a turian citizen and had asked Mordin if he could make them babies. Had she been insane during that blissful moment not to see the truth?

 

Because she wanted to feel more, because sex was just that. She needed more then that now and she could feel herself drawing close to the point of walking away from Garrus. She didn't want to walk away from him, but she couldn't keep doing this and feeling worthless at the same time. There were others she knew wanted her and maybe her chance at more was with them if Garrus didn't want her.  He was right though, maybe this bit of being apart would give her some clarity she needed to make that move – to finally say she wanted more and if he didn't then it might be best to split and try to be friends. She needed to decide when she would lose hope and give up. She was so scared to walk away and yet it may be the only way to save her sanity and her heart.

 

 

 

By the time he calmed down and he was thinking a little clearer she was gone to help Aria take back Omega. They had survived being separated, survived the Omega 4 Relay and the Collectors all to be taken down by a petty fight. He didn't like having her leave and there was still a lot unsaid. He didn't like not telling her what was really going on, what really bothered him. It wasn't just jealousy over Victus being able to do the things he couldn't. It wasn't just about her flirting. It was about feeling unsure, feeling that he could be left at any moment. That she really had no need for him, that she could go without and it wouldn't change her life. He knew the war was changing their priorities and that she had some odd views on partnerships.

 

Shepard was far from a traditional mate in the turian sense. They never talked seriously about certain topics, but he heard enough off the cuff comments to see where she might fall on a topic. He already knew she wasn't heavily religious, mostly in part due to her strict religious upbringing. She wasn't a huge fan of marriage, she wasn’t against it but she didn't need it to cement that she was committed to someone. She wasn't the type of person to have a ceremony of any type for others, other then maybe as a joke. He knew pieces of her past well enough that he could guess her response on some topics, but he knew there were still secrets she held and she may hold onto them forever. Just as he had secrets that he held, things that would haunt him to the end of his days. He couldn't grudge how she made him feel, how her actions made him wonder. Was it worth it? Was missing her and all they had gone through worth wanting more, trying for more?

 

* * *

 

 

It was late into the night cycle by the time she headed down to the crew deck. He could be asleep or not even in the Main Battery, except she had checked with EDI and she had confirmed he was still there. She did not inquire whether he was awake or not. This is dumb, go back you can try in the morning when he was awake, but the ache in her chest would not rest, she knew what she needed to say. Passing through the crew lounge she nodded to the crew still up and milling about. Looking down toward the sleeper pods on the way to the Main Battery she saw the door was lit green. It didn't mean he was awake. Just pull it together Shepard.

 

She walked slowly toward the Main Battery her heart hammering strong in her chest. She palmed the door and entered. The lights were turned low and she thought of turning back. There was a creak of the cot and she cleared her throat a little.

 

“Garrus?”

 

There was a long pause before she heard another creak and his voice tired rumbled.

 

“Shepard, just a minute.”

 

“No. Please stay where you are.”

 

There was some more creaking but he stayed near the cot. She took a deep breath.

 

“I want to apologize Garrus. What I said before I left, it didn't come out right, it was the heat of the moment and I just thrust back. I said some very hurtful things, some I didn't mean and I'm sorry.”

 

Rubbing her eyes, she felt bare even though she was fully clothed.

 

“I also wanted you to know that nothing happened between me and Victus. Not that it should – look I didn't even know he was interested in me in that way until well after. I guess I didn't give off the right impression. I told him earlier that I wasn't interested in him that way. I didn't tell him about me and you, but I don't think that should matter.”

 

Fuck stop blabbing. She took another big breath and then let it out slowly.

 

“I just – I don't – One day very soon I am going to want more. I understand this war is shit timing to take whatever it is we have together to the next level but I want that. If you don't want more I understand.”

 

“I – are we okay Garrus?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

She sighed feeling relief flood over her, the knot in her stomach loosened a little.

 

“I would like to go over the upgrades you did while I was gone and do a thorough walk through. Then I would like you to join me on the next mission.”

 

“I would like that too.”

 

She sighed. “See you at 1300. Good night Garrus.”

 

 

 


	35. Conversations Before the Tuchanka

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bits of Conversations captured before the final few missions on Tuchanka.

“So I heard an interesting rumour you have been altering my ship.”

 

She snickered lightly. “Don't believe everything you hear, besides it is my ship, I'll do as I please.”

 

“The Alliance lets you get away with that attitude?”

 

“For now. I'm sure they'll court martial me later.”

 

They smiled in unison at the comment. Reaching out her hand she continued to smile.

 

“Good to see you Miranda.”

 

“I could say the same about you Commander.” Hands were shaken before they began to walk to an area not busy with people or refugees.

 

“What brings you back to the Citadel so quickly? It can't just be my message.”

 

“What? Don't think you have that sway?”

 

“Are you saying I do?”

 

“I cannot confirm or deny.”

 

“How very political of you Commander but I still know the answer.”

 

“Picked up a new skill while out from under Cerebus?”

 

“No. The Citadel has crap security and there are cameras everywhere on the Citadel as well as reporters. They seem intent on filming you.”

 

“Ah. Well don't believe everything you see.”

 

“So you and Garrus?”

 

She nodded. “Although, you know how I like to keep people guessing.”

 

“That you do Commander.” Miranda paused. “I did also hear about Earth.”

 

“It was rough leaving. Seeing the destruction. Not sure Anderson picked the best person to come ask the Council for aid.”

 

“I don't know Shepard you do have a great yelling voice that demands attention. Eventually if you yell enough they will see you speak reason.”

 

She smirked. “Hmm maybe.”

 

“So what can I help you out with Miranda?”

 

* * *

 

 

“Kelly! You changed your look.”

 

“Yeah thought I would take your advice and I still get a chance to help people.”

 

“About that-”

 

“Shepard I can't come back to the Normandy. I hope you understand but I just can't.”

 

“Actually, I was wondering if you could help me with something else. Come here for a moment.” Walking away from the cargo container stacks she led Kelly to the hallway bridging in coming refugees and where they shuffled into.

 

“What do you see?”

 

“Refugees, people looking for family, others sick and injured.”

 

“Look up.”

 

“Windows, lights.”

 

“Space. Places to put more refugees.”

 

“I don't understand Shepard.”

 

“There are people here, engineers, botanists, construction workers. Waiting to hear about family, but anxious to do something. The Council knows their resources will be straining soon, but they won't say it. People here have things, can make things work with minimal resources. Give them a chance to build something so that others can be here in comfort. Have something that is their own in this war, give them something work on. “

 

"I don't have the resources to do anything like that Commander."

 

“The Council gave me some ancillary money. There are others willing to help too. I think you can do this Kelly sorry Felicia.  I know you would be great.  If this is a success the Council will look at the other plans I've submitted.  Please tell me you will say yes.”

 

“It is really hard to say no to you Commander.  All right.  What do you need me to do first?”

 

* * *

 

 

“Hey Bailey have a moment?”

 

“Sure Garrus how can I help you?”

 

“I want to plan something a bit special for Shepard.”

 

“What do you need me for?”

 

“Well what I have planned you might get calls.”

 

“You're not planning on blowing anything up are you?”

 

“I'd like to say no, but with Shepard you never know.”

 

“Hmm that is true. So do you need clearance or something?”

 

“I just wanted to give you a heads up, that way you can field the calls and don't need to send out a team.”

 

“What should I tell the public if there is a complaint?”

 

“Special Spectre Training.”

 

“Right. Should I ask what this plan is?”

 

“It is best I keep it a secret.”

 

“Understood. Well if it will help the Commander I'll send out a notice to my people.”

 

“Thanks Bailey.”

 

"Do you know when you are planning this surprise?"

 

"After Tuchanka and I get the Primarch settled on the Citadel."

 

* * *

 

 

Watching Thane now, it sent a pang through her chest. She remembered a time when she had fancied the idea of being more to the drell then just a friend. Even in his current state he was still so poised and far too good looking. But being with him would have meant what? That one day she could wake up and be told he was really dying, that his last breath was about to be taken. Seeing him now as a friend it still shuddered her to the core to think one day he wouldn't be in her life, that one day his name would adorn the memorial on the Normandy.

 

Taking a slow breath she turned her back on the drell and made her way to Kaidan's room. Last they had talked, well it went well enough but she still felt there was a huge gulf between them and while he said he believed in her and trusted her and had no doubts she really wondered. She wondered if Horizon would always make it impossible for them to sit for long periods of time together. She wondered if they could ever be friends after everything had happened. Her track record with exes was not stupendous, nearly half she left broken and guarded against her never wanting to see her again. The other half, they talked but she always felt awkward – like the there was a huge gap and neither were willing to build a bridge to friendship. What would they become?

 

He knew about her and Garrus during the Collector mission. She wasn't sure who he heard it from as it wasn't something she broadcast all over the place, but she supposed the videos during that time certainly painted the two of them in a different light. Although, she would peg her money on Anderson. Anderson knew her, knew that even though she never said a word there was more between her and Garrus then just friends. Now though. She knew uncertainty was on the horizon and if he didn't want more – well she'd respect that. Her fear could raise its head worried her chances and options were dwindling, but maybe in finally setting her course she would set herself straight for once, find what she needed in the end and see everything through. Even if it meant a lonely road up ahead.

 

 


	36. Tuchanka

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bits of conversation revolving around the missions on Tuchanka.
> 
> There are some hard decisions ahead.

He could see the hardened look on her face, the glitter of tears she did not shed. She hadn't said a word since they left the bomb site other then to tell Joker they were heading back. Her voice when she spoke wavered and was rough and raw from yelling. No matter how he tried to spin Tarquin's death, he knew it had shattered a small part of her. Until this time there had been close calls and skating by the edge of their teeth. This was the first and likely not the last death they'd have first hand experience of. But this was her first in a long time and it carried some weight seeing how close she was with Victus.

 

The reality of this war was hitting too close to home now, one day it could be either one of them set to lay their lives on the line for freedom from the Reapers. Her eyes placed her a thousand miles away but she was jostled awake as the shuttle docked with the Normandy. Her eyes still held the pain and she didn't look ready to stare down the Primarch and tell him his son was dead. As soon as the final docking procedure was done he moved toward James and Cortez.

 

“Can you give us a minute?”

 

He knew how Cortez was about maintenance and cleaning the shuttle after every dock, but as each of them looked to Shepard they could see her still sitting on the bench. It was usually not standard for her to dawdle in the shuttle and they both seemed to know why he made the request without inquiring more. As soon as Cortez and James were gone he closed the shuttle door. She had still not budged but he could tell she was working through something.

 

“Shepard.”

 

She didn't look up so he stepped closer.

 

“Shepard.”

 

Peeling out of her own thoughts she looked up and their eyes locked.

 

“What happened down there was not your fault.”

 

“Wasn't it?”

 

“No you couldn't have known that Cerebus would trigger the bomb to go off if we tried to by-pass the trigger mechanism. We couldn't know that the one release catch would require a manual hand to release it.”

 

“But I should have known. I should have -” She buried her hands in her face.

 

“You couldn't know, by the time we even realized what happened he was already on top of the structure. You couldn't have predicted he'd make that choice.”

 

“No, but I may have had a hand in it.”

 

Pulling her hands from her face she looked to Garrus.

 

“I yelled at him Garrus. I told him to suck it up and start acting like the son of a Primarch. I said – What if what I said made him think he needed to sacrifice himself? What if I pushed that on him? Made him feel worthless so he saw that as the only means to show he was a true soldier.”

 

“I was there Shepard. What you said to Tarquin was no worse then what half our drill sergeants yell at us in basic. And if Tarquin hadn't made that choice we'd all be blown to bits and this alliance would be dead in the water. He saved us so we can fight another day and may have saved his family name the shame of his prior poor decision. You made the unit proud.”

 

“Most of the unit dead or severely injured.”

 

“But those alive will have quite the story to tell on top of their honour renewed.”

 

Raking her hands through her hair she sighed.

 

“How do I tell him Garrus?”

 

“Just give him the facts. He'll respect you for being honest.”

 

“This isn't going to get better is it Garrus?”

 

“We could always hope the Reapers get bored and leave everyone alone – but I don't think we are that lucky.”

 

“We are not.” She covered her face again with her hands. He could hear her taking long deep breaths before she moved her hands.

 

“All right. I think I'm ready.” She moved slowly from the bench stretching out her limbs as she moved.

 

“If you want I can tell him.”

 

She shook her head this time.

 

“No it should be me.”

 

Her face was more resolute but he knew she would likely carry the guilt of Tarquin's death with her. This war wasn't going to make things better or easier. It was a small victory against Cerebus, but they were not making a dent against the Reapers. He could hope bringing in the krogan might make a difference, might give them a chance to push back, but the size of the Reaper forces gave him little hope. For now they were still taking their shots, but he doubted how long all forces no matter how supported could last against the Reapers. Very soon some hard choices would need to be made.

 

* * *

 

 

“She did not!”

 

Garrus chuckled at Traynor's exclamation and looked over to Shepard.

 

“She did. Jumped right into the fray and nearly got herself pummeled to death by the leader of the Blood Pack and his cronies.”

 

Shepard finished getting him and herself a refill and returned back to the couch.

 

“Hey it wasn't really my fault I was still mostly untrained in my biotics.”

 

Passing Garrus his drink she sat down next to him, but left enough room so it didn't look like they were getting too cozy or forgetting who was still on board.

 

“Untrained or not that was a bad move. I was half asleep and I didn't make a move like that.”

 

“No you just thought you'd stop a rocket with your face.”

 

That caused Wrex to belt out a loud 'Ha' and she smirked.

 

“I wouldn't be laughing Wrex, remember that Alliance simulator we were in where you tripped over a step and broke the railing.”

 

She had to swallow her drink quickly or be forced to spit it out as the image of Wrex falling and then flailing as he hit the bottom.

 

“That nearly cost me a nice little vacation spot.” She piped up. “Haven't been back there in a while. If it is not covered by Reapers I should visit it some day.”

 

“Don't think there are many places left not crawling with Reapers.” Wrex mentioned.

 

“Mmm true.” She smirked.

 

“Plus from what I hear you have quite the vacation spot already.” She tried to subtly tell Wrex to cut it out but she could see Garrus caught her hand motion.

 

“Holding out on us Shepard? Is this why you've been taking so many trips to the Citadel?” She could feel his scrutinizing gaze upon her.

 

“Maybe.”

 

“That surprise you were talking about?”

 

“You'll have to do your own investigation Vakarian. I'm not telling.”

 

“Oh but you are.”

 

“Care to wager on that?”

 

“I wouldn't do it Garrus, she's got that look and she's been spending a lot of time with Eve. I swear the two are conspiring against us all.”

 

She smirked before lifting the glass. “I'll never tell.” Taking another sip the smirk stayed on her lips as she swallowed her drink.

 

“Oh I think I could get you to talk.”

 

This time Traynor laughed.

 

“Well how about something more high stakes?” The comms specialist gestured to the poker table.

 

“I am not participating in anything that involves the word 'strip' or any variation.”

 

“Afraid you'll lose and be forced to wear your unmentionables in front of a subordinate Commander?” Now Traynor was smirking.

 

“No. But I prefer there not to be a political incident when I force Wrex and Garrus to walk around pant-less when I win.”

 

“Alright then, loser must answer one question by the winner.”

 

All eyes pivoted to her and she shrugged.

 

“Those are terms I can live with.”

 

Lifting off the couch she moved toward the poker table. She stopped at the doorway when she noticed no one else had moved.

 

“Come on Wrex you can squeeze in. Or is everyone afraid of the Hero of the Citadel and soon to be curer of the Genophage will pants you all?”

 

Garrus was the first to shake his head in disbelief.

 

“You know you can't lie or tell half the truth, right?”

 

“Scary right?” She picked a seat at the far end of the table. “Come on, I have more to lose if I lose. Going to ante up or fold Vakarian?”

 

It was a challenge and he wasn't one to turn it down. Getting up swiftly he looked over to Traynor and Wrex.

 

“We have larger things to worry about then a few secrets shared among friends.”

 

“Commander maybe it's best-”

 

“You came up with the idea Traynor think you should stay to reap the benefits.”

 

“Or be horribly undone by them.”

 

“Nothing worth it comes without some risk.”

 

 

**Hours Later**

 

“That was unexpected.”

 

“I thought we had her.”

 

“That's Shepard for you.”

 

“Aren't you bothered at all Garrus?”

 

“Umm no. That was -” Garrus cleared his throat. “Excuse me I think I have to get back to some calibrations.”

 

Traynor and Wrex shared a look before Garrus walked off.

 

“Remind me to never to ask and never do that again.”

 

“I told you her and Eve were conspiring.”

 

* * *

 

 

 

“That was a nice ceremony. Mordin would be proud.”

 

“Think so?”

 

“Know so.” He stepped a little closer. “How are you doing Shepard?”

 

The exhaustion and sadness was plain to see. She wasn't wearing her mask at this moment and everything was raw and at the surface. Her eyes seemed dull and a million miles away.

 

“Tired. I'm so tired Garrus. Getting through each day was rough before this war. Now it is hard to lift my limbs. Some days I just want to stay in bed and forget everything. I feel like I could sleep now, but I need to power through to get this report done for Hackett so I can catch some sleep. Three cheers for krogan-turian alliance begin solidified. Hip hip – ugh.”

 

She rubbed at her tired and drooping eyes and then patted her cheeks with her hands hoping to wake herself back up.

 

“I could get you some coffee.”

 

She just shook her head no.

 

“Well there may be a silver lining in all of this.”

 

“Oh?”

 

“The Primarch will be off the ship soon.”

 

“Mmm.”

 

She had to be tired if she completely missed the point of Victus being off the ship. He stepped closer and placed his hands on her shoulders gently kneading at the sore and tense muscles.

 

“With the Primarch off the ship we can do more things like things like this, but in private.”

 

“Mmm that is nice.”

 

She didn't even sound excited, the woman who had been driving him mad with her want and need to have him in some very lewd ways. Definitely too tired to think of the implications of having a Primarch – less ship might mean.

 

“Is there anything I can help you with Shepard?”

 

“Can you get us to where we're supposed to meet up with the turian flagship?”

 

“Sure.”

 

“Going to miss having them on board.”

 

“Who?”

 

“The Primarch, Wrex. Even when they were a pain in the ass it was nice having them on board and seeing the lengths we were going to, to broker peace. A thousand year old feud and those two are now friends. That is a win.”

 

“A good win.”

 

“Wonder what else I'll be called to do. Hold hands with the Reapers.”

 

“Marry one to stop the war?”

 

“Pass. Besides it would likely be Harbinger.”

 

“I know you feel this Shepard.”

 

She started to laugh high and throaty.

 

“That is horrible you remember that.”

 

“How could I forget. I kept hearing it nights after the Collector Base.”

 

“One of the more memorable missions.”

 

“Yeah.” Hitting send she let out a breath. “Thanks Garrus.”

 

 


	37. Dark Horse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Priority: Citadel, Shepard contemplates the next move while remembering the losses.

She went over the battle of the Citadel, scouring over each move, each conversation beforehand that should have been a clue. At this moment she felt like a detective over a crime scene, except the whole Citadel was her victim and the ones caught in the fray could be on either side. Did many have a choice if confronted by Cerebus and C-Sec far from being able to help? She knew a common citizen down on their luck or those in the Wards would have little in the way of support or a real choice if push came to shove.

 

Her eyes were drawn to the rich citizens, those that could lose a little and still chose to side with the wrong side just so they'd be less inconvenienced. The hardest part of dissecting each move was in realizing all of her own fumbles. That she did not move fast enough to save a citizen in the crossfire, she held pulling the trigger when she should have reacted to an opening. Instead she stood by and watched one of her friends get taken down because she wasn't even reacting, she was a spectator too slow to catch on that she should have been doing something, anything.

 

Maybe Thane would be alive, maybe she would have seen Udina's traitorous leanings. After finally feeling like they were on the same team after the Council's refusal to lend aid, now this. How had it come to this, to aligning with Cerebus? Would his answers be any less valid if he had lived and they could interrogate him? Would the answers sound like she had when she was working with Cerebus saving human colonies and going against the Collectors? He said he would do what he could to get her and Earth the resources they needed. Was Cerebus the only real offer out there? Could she fault him for wanting to go around the bureaucratic red tape? She didn't like Udina, thought he was a bit shifty but he was the only one on the Council that supported her – the rest did not. No matter though.

 

_I failed you Thane_. She wasn't better, she wasn't the angel he deserved. He had said once that she saved him, gave him a chance to bring a little more light in the universe, reunited him with his son. Saved him from what, saved him from death? From having to suffer? He may have lived a few extra months, he may have had more time to be with his son. Had she and Thane been ever more then a flirtation could she have convinced him of having a lung transplant?  Of saving him of that final pain?

 

Instead she felt useless. She couldn't stop Kai Leng, she couldn't save Thane from being stabbed and dying. Slamming her hands down on the side of her work table she could feel her frustration, her sadness mounting like a dark horse. I failed. And yet everyone was still clamouring for her to do things. They were still asking her to do the impossible, find resources, get others to sign on to the fight and give aid. Nearly everyone in the damned galaxy either had the Reapers on their home worlds or the Reapers at their doorsteps.  She was starting to see the reason behind the asari and salarian reluctance to aid. She understood now why the Dalatrass had proposed sabotaging the genophage. Had it been any other krogan then Wrex in charge and she may have been swayed more to not curing the genophage. Eve would calm his tempers to get the clans working together. Out of all the horrible things done to those women and the suffering and death of Maelon's research something good had come of it. Maybe her chasing across the whole galaxy, bringing people together would bring some good out of all the losses. Right now though all she saw was the bleak reality of this war.

 

First Mordin, then Thane. Who else would be next? Miranda? Kaidan? Jack? How many more deaths would there be, how many memorials would she attend? The memorial wall was showing the cost of this war. And each death a reminder of all the others dying by the hundreds, thousands. Earth, Palaven, so many other worlds burning. And yet all her mind kept circling around was the near loss of Kaidan and the anger flared at his words.

 

The last time she spoke to Kaidan everything felt sorted, the air between them clear. And then in the heat of the Cerebus attack he was at her again, questioning her. It was in that moment, if she had ever considered they could be more it was washed away. The words he had shared saying he still cared became a smoky fog that obscured all except the truth. In that clarity of touching the trigger with her finger she knew the certainty of her feelings for Kaidan and Garrus. Garrus there to defend always even if she made some shitty decision he saw her reasoning and he argued his points but her worth and reasons were never on trial. She was not less in his eyes for siding with Cerebus when they took on the Collectors and she wasn't less for aiding Aria even when he thought she was giving up too much.

 

When faced up against Kaidan she was tempted to pull the trigger, her anger at the accusation with the smell of Thane's blood on her gloves overwhelmed her. She told Garrrus of her temptation, but she still felt unsure if she could shoot a friend even when he was pushing her to the brink of frustration. Seeing how she hadn't shot Joker yet she didn't see how it would be fair. It had been nice to keep the subject light in case she sounded like some horrendous person by feeling the urge to shoot an ex during a very stressful moment. She supposed a rash thought could be allowed and maybe that is all it was, a momentary lapse – letting her anger get the best of her. By the time it came to head back to the Normandy the anger was diminished, but not enough to have this urge to say no to Kaidan when he asked to join up.

 

She supposed it was her other self, the one that saw his worth on the ship and her desperation for any Alliance soldier that she'd take one that clearly out ranked her. And yet while he out ranked her, she was still in command of this mission. She could see the Alliance's hand in that maneuver, likely to keep Kaidan's track record clean should they decide after this war to throw her back under house arrest or just court martial her, try to sweep her under the rug. She knew she wasn't the best poster child for the Alliance, not with her record.  Besides having Kaidan on board meant she could shuffle around a few duties, maybe lighten Garrus' load. He, like the others took on the extra duties without complaint, but she felt guilty for laying it all on him. She wouldn't steal his XO status from him, but there were some Alliance duties and forms that both of them muddled through just to complete. Having Kaidan on board who had his own biotics group would likely have a better handle on these things. Plus if it freed up Garrus' time a little, time she selfishly hoped she might enjoy.

 

She had asked Kolyat if he wanted to do a service for his father and he had mentioned he was trying to honour the old ways as per his fathers wishes. He said once that had been done he would not mind holding a service. For now though she had several missions on her docket, she had a summons from the Quarian fleet, something up with an asari colony, ex-Cerebus scientists being hunted, a scientist finding something that may have defeated a Reaper, and a mission to Eden Prime.

 

Each mission had its merits, going to see the Quarians could mean more resources and seeing Tali possibly – but if the rumours were right the Quarians were getting into their own war with the Geth. After being around Legion her perceptions of the Geth had been altered. Besides anything with Quarians would not be simple. She could use simple, something to make the Illusive Man regret his move against the Citadel. Down to two options then, something Prothean or the scientists.  The something Prothean could help the Crucible – so could the scientists. But one – one she could use now, the Prothean item Cerebus dug up could take weeks or months to decode. It could be another damned beacon and she would rather avoid that. That left the scientists and an opportunity to bring Kaidan back into the fold as a team member and test out his mettle. Would he shoot first after the Citadel debacle or find his own reasoning? She had some other things to plan for and that meant having a busy turian. Looks like she'd be testing how her ex and current partner would get along sooner then usual.

 

 


	38. Well Laid Intentions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard has been planning something for a while, she has a special night all laid out for Garrus she just hopes she can keep him in the dark long enough. But well laid out plans sometimes do not go as planned. 
> 
> Taken from the game where Garrus mentions over the comm to Liara that if he moved some rugs into the Main Battery it would be quite cozy. And I couldn't find a reason for why Shepard wouldn't take advantage of a great idea.
> 
> POV Switches between Garrus and Shepard. 
> 
> Fluffy

“Okay on three. One. Two. Three.” She moved into view with her arms out a little. Her eyes looked to Leeta and then Kasumi searching for any tell that would let her know this was a good or bad choice. Slowly she lowered her arms to her sides.

 

“Say something already.”

 

Leeta cleared her throat. “The answer is yes. Whatever it is, yes.”

 

She glanced over to Kasumi and thought for sure even with the hood drawn up the thief was blushing.

 

“I always knew you could dress up Shep.”

 

“It's not too much?”

 

“No. Not even close.” Kasumi lifted her hand in an appraising motion.

 

Leeta still looked shocked or riveted.

 

“This won't send the wrong message?”

 

Leeta cleared her throat again. “What is the plan again?”

 

“Liara will distract Garrus, I'm going to move in some plush rugs and big pillows to the Main Battery, then sneak in some turian meals made by hand, perfect romantic evening.”

 

“Could you turn around for us?”

 

She thought asking Kasumi and Leeta for advice on the dress was sound seeing as how Kasumi had picked out her last dress and Leeta knew turian customs. Now though, she wasn't sure if the two of them were mocking her or throwing her through some hoops for fun. Slowly she turned around giving a view of the back of the dress. There was some not so covert whispering and she huffed loudly before turning around.

 

“Alright whatever the joke is get it out already and then tell me the truth. Is this too much?”

 

“It's perfect Shep honest.”

 

“You won't be breaking any turian protocol or sending the wrong message – unless the message is how hot you look in the dress.”

 

“Honest?”

 

“Yeah. You're good.”

 

She smiled a little.

 

“Do you think he'll like it?”

 

“If he doesn't he's an idiot.”

 

\------------

 

Operation Distract Garrus was so far going off without a hitch. Liara was keeping him entertained as they swapped stories of their adventures apart when Liara was still on Illium or being the Shadow Broker. She had left the two of them alone and had started moving the rugs and pillows into the Main Battery. She would definitely have to do something special for Steve later, maybe get him a nice bottle of Tequila for all his help on getting the items on the ship without James of Garrus getting too nosey about the contents. Steve was also helping her ferrying the items from the hangar to the Main Battery. The turian meals would be coming later after she had everything set up, she just hoped Liara could keep Garrus entertained long enough.

 

 

* * *

 

He felt assured Shepard was up to something. She was playing it coy but he knew her better then that or he thought so. After the game of poker though, he hadn't thought anyone could look so good with a smirk on her face the whole time. She had played them all perfectly and hadn't given anything away. When Liara asked him into the lounge he felt she was for sure up to something, especially after she came by and then 15 minutes later Liara checked her omni-tool. But then they got to talking and sharing stories. The minutes flowed by quickly and they were several drinks and hours into their conversation. If Shepard had been up to something she was either successful in keeping him occupied or he was jumping to conclusions again. Maybe he just needed to make his move and then the big secret would be revealed. He knew she had work done on her cabin and she was doing something on the Citadel, of course she could be doing weird things just to throw him off the scent.

 

After the poker incident he felt his detective skills put more to test and she was likely doing all this shadow business just to vex him. He would need to find a way to give her a bit of pay back. Entering into the Main Battery his scenes were overwhelmed by the smells of his favourite foods from home. Glancing about he didn't see immediately the reason behind the sudden waft of smells. Had she sprayed something or left him a little treat with a possible invitation to her quarters. He checked the terminal and his omni-tool but there was no such invitation or clue. Or maybe this was the invitation but protocol and his respect for her privacy demanded he at least ask for permission before assuming.

 

Typing in a hasty message he sent it and immediately heard a ping within the Main Battery. Shuffling to the one side he didn't see anything, but as he moved to the other side of the gun the smell got stronger. Peering down the long corridor he spotted her slowly waking up, among a mound of pillows covered in a thin blanket. Spirits she looked divine with her hair slightly messed and the top or whatever she wore with the dark red piping among some of the seams. He watched her slowly stretch out the blanket covering her slipping a little lower.

 

“Hey you. Have a good time with Liara?”

 

How long had she been waiting for him here? He took a step down into the corridor her motions distracting him from finding the right words. There was an urge to just go to her and run his hands over her and see what else she was wearing and how quick he could get her naked.

 

“Yeah. It was good.” When had his mouth gone so dry?

 

The blanket was moved exposing the rest of her outfit which was a very nice dress with the red piping running along its length. It reminded him of the dress she wore for the mission with Kasumi, the same dress she wore the night before the suicide mission.

 

“You're not planning a suicide mission, are you?”

 

She smirked and moved to the little set up of containers attached to the railing of the Main Battery.

 

“I'm not planning it, but it wouldn't surprise me if Joker launched one just for fun.”

 

He watched her uncover the containers feeling the urge to touch her bare arm or the small of her back. There was something completely erotic in this moment her voice still a bit hazy from sleep as she grabbed a plate and started to uncover the food.

 

“Hmm, so what is the occasion?” If she was a turian she would know exactly his feelings at this moment, aroused, surprised, hungry.

 

Bringing out a pair of tongs she began parsing out pieces of each of the containers.

 

“Yours is the top here.” She passed him a plate covered in food and a pair of utensils.

 

“Also no special occasion, just thought it would be nice to have a dinner to ourselves. No Primarch on board right? So no reason to not indulge a little.”

 

The glint in her eye told him she was definitely up to something, but he took the food and moved to the little area she had made with plush rugs, pillows, and blankets. She covered up the food and made a meal for herself out of the containers beneath his.

 

“It is my understanding that turians don't usually go on dates.”

 

“Do what?”

 

“Go out or stay in for personal partner time, at least not in the traditional human sense.”

 

He nodded slowly watching her move. She had picked a dress that definitely caught the turian eye, especially in the waist area. He was half tempted to forgo the meal and go right for her instead but something held him off, something was important in doing this – in having this shared eating experience together.

 

“As I understand it, turians have a making intentions known meal or something like that. Something before any bonding ceremony or formal copulation.”

 

He nodded his head slowly understanding how she was trying to make this 'date' make sense for him or how it would equate in the turian sense.

 

“And what intentions would you like me to know?”

 

“The way you say it makes it sound silly.”

 

“Hmm it does sound a little – odd I'll admit. Never saw the point, most unions are arranged on Palaven. This type of thing is usually reserved when one party is feeling unsure about going forward with the ceremony. It is a way to see what benefits are in the arrangement. Mostly for those who have the ability to turn down an opportunity.”

 

“Can you see any disadvantages to this? To Us?”

 

“Hmm other then you being human?” He chuckled lightly seeing her cast down her eyes a bit. She had no idea she was probably a better turian then him. “No. Your name is well respected in some circles probably more respected after what you've done to help the turians.”

 

She lifted her eyes to watch him take a bite of the food. She had heard the tone of his sub-harmonics earlier the needy and lustful urgings, they had died a bit when she didn't follow through on giving him an opening or turning to respond to the verbal responses, now she could hear the sub vocals change from amused to pleased. She shifted her food around before taking bite.

 

“So is that what this is about? Wondering how the turian people will react if we come out and say we're dating or more then friends?”

 

Trying to find the right words she knew she should have written this down.

 

“Not really. I - “ She huffed not sure how to phrase what was on her mind exactly, why she wanted to do this. Not just for some personal time, but to set things straight.

 

“I just wanted you to know that I care for you Garrus a lot and I wanted you to know nothing happened between me and Victus.”

 

He paused eating and swallowed what he had in his mouth.

 

“I – uh.”

 

“And I wanted you to know that even though I invited Kaidan on board I'm not going to pursue anything with him. He is a piece of my past, we care for one another but that is all.”

 

She said the last part so quickly he wasn't sure he caught it all correctly but he felt sure he understood it all. Reaching over he touched her arm making her look at him.

 

“Hey. I – I know there have been a few jokes but I'm only interested in you. There isn't another.”

 

She slowly let out the breath she was holding.

 

“Okay.” She smiled a bit. “This is hard for me so – thanks Garrus.”

 

He nodded his head slowly.

 

“We are a regular bunch of irregular people.”

 

She smirked. “Yeah. Right weird.”

 

“So do you like the food?”

 

“It's the best. How did you get this all on board without James catching wind?”

 

“Steve is a really good requisition officer and a great secret keeper.”

 

* * *

 

 

The dinner was nice, actually more then nice it was perfect and exactly what both of them needed. There were still a lot of unshared words and he felt certain she was on the cusp of saying them and then backed down. But she had said enough tonight and he was the fool for not saying more, for not doing more when the opening was there. She had dressed up and had some of his favourite foods prepared for him. The opening had been there before she moved, when she was still in that drowsy state to lavish her, to show her how much he missed touching her and being able to kiss her.

 

Instead he had followed her lead and maybe in the end it was for the best. If he had pounced on the opening would she have been as candid with him afterward? After dinner they had sat and talked. It was nice just to talk and whether is was a combination of a good home cooked meal and the drinks beforehand or just having a moment to really unwind and relax he started to doze.

 

He felt her move a couple of times from where they had sat back among the pillows. She had kissed him twice along his neck and told him not to fall asleep before she burrowed in closer but his eyelids refused to take the advice. A small part of him knew that if he fell asleep before she did he wouldn't hear the end of it, especially after all the planning and keeping him in the dark. She had meant this to be special and here he was dozing away. This just meant his plan to do something for her would have to be extra special, maybe he'd stop being the fool and just tell her how he really felt, how he really loved her. That was his last coherent thought before he started to fully drift off.

 

* * *

 

There was something about the way Garrus looked at her when she woke up that was pure predatory. The glint in his eyes, the crane of his neck. It was enough to settle something deep in her stomach and lower that made her distinctly aroused. While the look faded as she moved, his sub-vocals said more then enough and throbbed with a certain bit of desire. While they had figured out an ingenious way to get by on words alone there was something to be said about getting a true hands on experience that felt far more rewarding.

 

She had picked the dress mostly for him. She knew where his eyes roamed and his favourite places to linger. By design the dress accentuated her neck, shoulders and waist. She knew he had been slowly coming around to having some appreciation of her breasts as some of her former human partners were but she did not mind them being ignored in favour for other areas being lavished. Damn him for being so good looking with just one glance. She was just glad that tonight he had foregone the armour for more civilian styled clothes. At least the clothes were a little easier to navigate then armour that had weird latches and catches. Because if there was one thing she was anticipating more then the end of this war, was a Primarch-less Normandy and a real chance to spend some well needed personal time with her favourite turian. That is if she could keep her hands from wandering through dinner.

 

She had double checked with Leeta just to be sure some dinner alone didn't send the wrong signal. While dating may not be universal, dinner with the person you were with did not mean more at least not to most turians. Turians were rather plain and straight forward. No special dinners planned to declare love or propose marriage. It wasn't that they couldn't do flourishes it was more the parties and events were for different aspects of their life then humans.

 

It was something she could get on board with especially the more muted hoopla over birthdays. Not that she dreaded her birthdays or worried over her age – it was more that she was tired of all the stress from birthdays and being sure she had a happening event for everyone and everyone equally entertained and validated for their appearance. What she wouldn't give for not having to ever worry about the planning or hosting and just let the day pass just as any other. If her birthday wasn't broadcast all over the place would anyone even know it passed? Sometimes she felt as though birthday messages were only sent out as some dumb obligation and not an actual care that it was supposed to her 'special day'.

 

As they sat cuddled together talking she could feel her eyes drooping. The meal had filled her up for the time being and after worrying over dinner and opening up to Garrus and setting up she was a bit taxed, even with the slight cat nap she had when she had been waiting for him to arrive. She had never considered the Main Battery comfy but with the rugs, pillows and blankets she could feel the appeal. She knew she should get up and start putting things away but a certain turian trapped her with his long limbs and sleepy sounding voice. She didn't even notice she had dozed off until she woke suddenly with her right arm asleep and a need to go to the bathroom. Worming out of a warm turian embrace she slipped away.

 

* * *

 

He felt her move about a couple of times and heard the Main Battery doors open and close a few times. He felt bad for just zonking out on her. She had dressed nice and set up the Main Battery and had a great meal all set and here he was unable to keep his eyes open for more then a minute. When she had come back the third time he felt her nudge him a bit and he opened his arms. She wasn't one to cuddle or share a space for long but he'd let her be close when she wanted to be.

 

“Are you asleep Garrus?”

 

She said the words soft enough that if he were truly asleep he wouldn't have been disturbed. He groaned a little and felt the warmth of her lips at his neck, her smaller hands skating along his cowl. Fingers slid down over his chest, delicately running her fingers over his upper body.

 

She had considered heading up to her cabin and cleaning up the plates and packing the remainder up for later. Clearly her well laid out plans which included doing more then eating and chatting were well out the airlock. The last little while had been rough and they were both exhausted if they couldn't keep their eyes open for more then half an hour. Staring down the corridor she saw him peacefully snoozing and had the urge to go and join him again. The food wouldn't keep that long and it seemed a waste to let good leftovers just ruin. But by the time she was done packing things up and cleaning up and her previous sleepy feeling had disappeared and she was surprisingly very awake and very horny. Even with all her movement in and out of the Battery Garrus hadn't moved much and she felt guilty for wanting to rouse him.

 

* * *

 

He felt her fingers skate lower and he grumbled a bit wondering what she was up to. It wasn't until he felt the soft probe at his pelvic seam that he became more aware of what she was doing. Fingers gently sliding along the plates and then he felt the swab, slow and wet as her tongue glided over the seam and he was suddenly very, very awake. The fog of earlier lifted and he felt more acutely of where her fingers moved and the second skim of her tongue that set his plates aside. Glancing down he was greeted by a very mischievous grin that set his heart racing. Her fingers smoothed along his inner thighs as she bent her head down and her tongue flicked against the edge of his opened plates.

 

The kneading maneuver of her fingers against his thighs made his cock spring from his plates. He had seen before in the videos he watched this maneuver of this type of foreplay, but had never really encountered it beforehand. After the Collector ordeal and after the initial first experience over with their usual pairing was either fast and frantic or slow and needful. He had never quite got a chance to test out how his mouth might bring her to pleasurable heights or how it might work exactly. Since he hadn't reacted adversely to the tests Mordin did, he knew there was no reasoning apprehension not to try.

 

Small, warm fingers wrapped around his cock and he could feel himself stiffen more as her head bent. Spirits he did not deserve her. It should be him ravishing her after everything she set up and did. Instead it was her head bent with her tongue running along his length and in this moment he knew exactly what he needed to do on his planned 'date' and what he promised to say, damn it all if she didn't feel the same about him.

 


	39. Of Prothean's And Leviathan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The missions between Eden Prime and finding Leviathan. Shepard finds her world widening and some truths coming through.

Eden Prime had once been a place she had considered one day retiring to. It was a nice planet, good temperate climate. Some had called it a paradise and for good reason, it didn't have the usual issues some other colonies had like constant raiders, less idyllic temperatures, rough soil and land to work. Eden Prime had been established for a long time without anything happening to it and she supposed there was a sense of complacency in the settlement. Eden Prime had enough bustle for her in some of the main towns with the quaintness that had yet to boom. In fact Eden Prime was one of her top spots to vacation to whenever she got enough time and credits. So maybe it was just the luck of the draw that Eden Prime had become the place that started it all. Now it seemed destined to be in the middle of something and she knew the minute she tried to settle there something else big and bad would come out of the shadows just to prove her right.

 

There was a tangle of emotions in this place. It had been her first real mission since becoming Commander, it was the mission that defined her career and the last three years of her life. So maybe it was fate or just her luck that everything would come full circle back to Eden Prime, back to something Prothean being unearthed and back to the planet under attack. She felt bad for those that had gone through the initial attack just to be forced through another one years later. Looks like we're both cursed.

 

And yet even among the destruction and Cerebus troops there was still a beauty to it. It often reminded her of that one planet, fuck if she could remember the name, if she was back in her cabin she could call up the mission that sent them to the planet. It was one of the planets they landed on back when she flew in the SR-1 chasing down Saren. She remembered the planet only as a memory, as she stood on one hill glancing out to the horizon without a helmet. Other rolling hills were all around her, with the sun shining through the cloud cover, the scent of a storm strong in the air. She was lost for a moment in the memory, in that moment remembering those hills and saying one day she wanted to live there.

 

Gently Kaidan touched her shoulder and she was brought back to the present where the Cerebus threat could be anywhere.

 

“Are you okay Shepard?”

 

She nodded her head slowly. “Yeah , just remembering our first mission here.”

 

“Where it all started, the Reaper threat, chasing down Saren, saving the galaxy.”

 

“Losing Jenkins and finding Ash.” She sighed turning from the ruins. “I wonder what she would say about all of this.”

 

“I don't know, but she'd likely be telling you to kick ass.”

 

She smirked a little. “Sounds like Ash. Alright lets go see what Cerebus dug up and hope it is not another beacon.”

 

“But it could have more information, something to help build the Crucible.” Liara piped in.

 

“So my luck it is a beacon.” Groaning she looked to the prefab buildings. “Lets go check in the buildings and see if there is any information on what they were excavating, maybe it will give us a clue as to why Cerebus is here.”

 

“Something important enough to get Cerebus' attention.” Kaidan's voice echoing her thoughts.

 

“Right. Let's see what we can find out.”

 

* * *

 

 

“Liara I told you to wait.”

 

“I know, I just thought I could be there when you question him.”

 

“Except I'm not questioning him.”

 

“What?”

 

“Liara, you said it yourself it has been 50, 000 years but for him it was yesterday. I am just going in to see if he needs anything and get him settled, stand down the guard in the room.”

 

“But shouldn't we be asking him about the Crucible? What he knows?”

 

“In time – yes, but barraging him with questions just doesn't seem right. We don't know what he's been through or how he is acclimating and I'd rather not push it.”

 

“But all the things we can learn.”

 

“Not now. In a day or so we can quiz him/it all we want. Right now it is just about introductions and making him or it comfortable.”

 

Liara sighed. “Okay. No questions.”

 

“Good. Now let's go in and greet our new guest.”

 

 

“Liara! Outside now!!”

 

She looked over to Javik trying to convey her apologies, the Prothean seemed unmoved by her attempts. Grabbing Liara by the arm her grip tightened as she moved to the doors of the room. She heard her yelp in surprise but did not provide much resistance. Hauling her to one of the newer rooms she had constructed but remained currently unused she waited until the door sealed before she said a word.

 

“What the fuck Liara?”

 

“I'm sorry Shepard, I just let my enthusiasm get the better of me.”

 

“Fuck your enthusiasm. You deliberately started asking him questions even though I told you explicitly this was an introductions meeting only.”

 

“He didn't seem bothered.”

 

“I was bothered. You have no idea, no fathoming of what he has been through.”

 

“And you do?”

 

“I can relate.”

 

“Ha. Not everything revolves around you.”

 

“You don't know what I saw down there on Eden Prime. And you don't know what it is like to wake up years later and find everything has changed. People have started to move on. Amplify that for him by 50,000 years. Where everything he cared for is dead and buried, his race is more myth then truth. But the Reapers still exist and are threatening the galaxy again and we have been dragging our feet making an opposition against them even though a beacon told us three years ago the Reapers were coming. We must be silly children to him asking silly questions.”

 

“I – I didn't know Shepard. I'm sorry, I promise I will not ask any more questions.”

 

“Not good enough. You've broken the trust.” Bringing up her omni-tool she punched in a few commands.

 

“Lowe, Rollins, can you please come to the secondary quarters on the Engineering deck and escort Liara back to her room and ensure she doesn't come down to this deck until I say.”

 

“Shepard! You can't do this.”

 

She typed in a few more commands. “EDI please block Liara's communication access to Javik and ensure she doesn't find a work around.” Breaking off the communication after EDI's affirmative she glanced toward Liara staring down the asari.

 

“I can and will do this. You are on my ship. You don't like the rules I will drop you at the Citadel – just give the word.”

 

She saw Liara pale and step back a little.

 

“No. I won't argue. I'm sorry Shepard for what it is worth.”

 

She huffed feeling the need to hit something and hard. The doors to the quarters opened and Lowe and Rollins came to escort Liara back to her room.

 

* * *

 

 

“Hey you, so what is this I hear about you banning Liara from the engineering deck and talking to the Prothean?”

 

He looked over in time to be greeted by a deep glare that many knew as her angry glare. The pure anger rolling over her was something that he could nearly taste.

 

“Seriously Garrus, you too?”

 

He had two options, get down to the bottom of what had her so riled or try to push back. Sometimes pushing was not the right choice not with the anger at the height it was. He was lucky to notice it sometimes he couldn't even tell when she was angry and that got him in more trouble then what it was worth.

 

“I'm not questioning it, although, I am curious. I just wanted to know if I heard right.”

 

The glare simmered, but he knew she was a hair trigger flaring back up to full anger.

 

“You heard correctly. I asked Liara not to ask him any questions. Meeting with him was purely introductory. She decided to not take my request to heart and did the exact opposite of what I requested. Hence the ban.”

 

“Do you think that is wise?”

 

“I couldn't give a fuck if it is or is not. I am tired of not being listened to, of my commands getting second guessed when we are in a fire fight or anywhere else and people thinking my orders are something to debate. I'm done! Fuck everyone who doesn't like it. The Alliance can get somebody else to finish this fucking mission.”

 

He had been noticing some strain lately and a lot of lax behaviours about the ship. It was his job to stem some of that but he had been slipping in his duties as an XO due to the other tasks for the turian hierarchy. Kaidan had suggested to help him out when he was floundering, but he had been too prideful to ask for assistance. Maybe it was time push away his pride, stop trying to prove himself and let a few things go. He knew most of the non-Alliance staff didn't fall under the rules of the Alliance, but they all still followed the rules. He could understand Liara's excitement especially given the object of her schooling and her career focused on the Prothean's. So maybe both Shepard and Liara messed up, let things get too hot. He stood back and listened to her get some things off her chest and was helping diffuse some of her anger. Saving his algorithm he looked over to her.

 

“Okay so what is the plan with our Prothean friend?”

 

 

* * *

 

“You ever get the feeling that the next mission is going to bigger then what you thought it would be?”

 

“Don't know, but then things with you tend to be bigger then what we think it will be.”

 

“Ha ha. Very funny Garrus.”

 

“I try.” There was a long pause over the comms. “So what is the next one?”

 

“Doctor Garret Bryson and this Leviathan thing.”

 

“You have been burning through these missions pretty hard.”

 

“We need the resources Garrus, we can't keep dragging our feet.”

 

“If you say but it might be time to have a bit of a break.”

 

“After this one.”

 

“Promise me Shepard.”

 

He could hear her sigh and then huff. “Alright Garrus, just send me a reminder. I promise.”

 

“So what are you going to do about Liara and Javik?”

 

“Don't worry I already have that figured out.”

 

* * *

 

 

“You never heard about any Leviathan during your time?”

 

“No Commander. We were the apex race during my cycle, I heard of no other race “

 

“And there was no other race that mentioned being controlled?”

 

“They were all of the Prothean Empire, there were no reports like this.”

 

“Are you sure about this?”

 

“No Commander.”

 

“Liara, what do you think? Do these drawings mean anything to you?”

 

“No. I've never seen anything like this.”

 

“Well take a few snapshots and then we got to go.”

 

“It is too bad we couldn't study them longer.”

 

“Maybe when we get Ann you can ask her about the drawings. For now, first order of business is not getting hit by a Reapers or blown off this thing. Let's get moving.”

 

* * *

 

 

“Sir I think we need to talk about Leviathan.”

 

Garrus had urged her to take some time off after the mission, but the sick feeling deep in her stomach after meeting the original race – the one that started this all wouldn't go away. So she suffered through the blurry vision and feeling like everything was moving. Her equilibrium was shot and yet lying down would likely make the nauseous feeling worse. Chakwas had berated her and she had forgone the poking and prodding to do this, to warn Hackett. Bracing her hands against the console she began to lay out her worries to Hackett, she just hoped she wasn't going to be ignored like she had been with the Reapers. About halfway through her imploring she was seeing two Hackett's and the bile at the back of her throat was becoming harder to choke down. She had so many experiences with the Reapers so far, but this latest mission had brought the horror and past of the Reapers to light. It also made her acutely aware that the Leviathan or whatever could have secret agents all over the place.

 

She didn't like the feeling of their intrusion in her head or how with just the right suggestion they could take over someone and make them lose hours, days, years from their lives. The thought alone sent a shudder down her spine, gods what she wouldn't do for a long hot shower and the ability to sleep a full eight hours without being interrupted she'd be golden. But after this, she would have her physical and mental examination and then – ugh maybe she would take Garrus up on his advice and just rest. The paperwork and everything else could wait, plus if she had been indoctrinated like Ann Bryson she wouldn't be able to resist the commands if she was given one.

 

* * *

 

“You know I think Javik is right.”

 

“Oh?”

 

“About Leviathan. That whatever they are we can't trust them. They've been exposed and can't hide now so they'll work with us. But when the time comes they'll turn on us.”

 

“That's a rather gloomy take. Maybe you are wrong.”

 

“My gut tells me I'm right. Only problem is getting everyone on board with that thought.”

 

“They are on board with the Reapers I don't see why they wouldn't consider this.”

 

“They are on board three years too late. I feel like they won't listen until it is too late. I feel like the boy who called wolf except I'm actually telling the truth about the wolf.”

 

“Should I even ask what the boy who called wolf is?”

 

She smiled lightly. “It is an old Earth parable about this boy who is tending some sheep and falsely yells 'wolf' several times. Each time when people hear him call it they run to him only to find there is no wolf and it is all a joke. Except this one time he does see a wolf and cries it but no one comes and he loses his flock. It is meant to be a cautionary tale in telling lies or raising a false alarm.”

 

“Ah.”

 

“Except I haven't been lying.”

 

“I know I've been there.”

 

“If I raise an alarm about Leviathan I fear all I'm going to get is a lot of exaggerated sighing and disbelief. How can I convince them that while we are comrades now they won't be if we can get rid of the Reapers?”

 

“Well.” He nuzzled his face closer to her hair. “How about getting someone else to raise the alarm.”

 

“Mm. Got a candidate in mind?”

 

“I could think of a few.” His hand slipped lower brushing along her forearm before slinking lower.

 

“Hey we are in the lounge mister.”

 

Garrus chuckled lightly. “Never stopped you before.”

 

“True. But I figured you'd prefer an invite upstairs.”

 

“I like where your mind is going Shepard, but won't that ruin your little surprise.”

 

“Well it is all ready now and I miss having a certain turian lying next to me.”

 

“Hmm never could turn down a good invitation.”

 

 


	40. More of Something

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Between the date on the Citadel until the final mission on Rannoch. 
> 
> Moved the Memorial of Thane while not the party.

She just missed on purpose, no matter her skill with a sniper rifle he knew she could have mad that shot and yet didn't. She missed so he could gloat, so he won but it wasn't about not bruising his ego it was much more then that. Garrus you big fool. How had he not noticed it before? She had been giving him signs for a while now, telling him she wanted more, prepping that nice dinner, the studio she had made for him in her room. Why had he waited so long to make this happen? Why hadn't he just asked her weeks, months ago if she was ready for more.

 

Pulling her in close he placed he mouth plates to her lips, his hands finding their place on her waist as he deepened the kiss. One hand slipped up her back and he heard her moan as her tongue danced against his. Moving slowly he tipped her back, a move he had seen in of the romance movies he had watched back when he was still learning about human behaviour. He felt her grip tighten but she did not pull back from the kiss, but he did catch a slight gasp leave her throat. You damned fool. Breaking the kiss he looked down into her glittering eyes.

 

“I love you Shepard.”

 

“I love you too Garrus.”

 

* * *

 

“So when did that start?” She mouthed almost into his back as her fingers slid up along the sides of his waist.

 

Only the most discerning eye would even notice she was there. They had both been a bit too emotional and too angry hours ago. She was absolutely insane going up against a Reaper on foot, alone. They fought the whole elevator ride up to the crew quarters. She was ecstatic at the time riding high on adrenaline, she was trying to make him understand the impossibility of what she had done. All he saw was another moment left behind, left in the Geth vehicle to listen and watch as she did the unimaginable. Taking out the Reaper back on Tuchanka had been insanity too, but at least he had been with her during the mad dash to get the hammer’s up and running. He had pleaded with her after the whole Leviathan business to not risk her life again to promise she wouldn't go without him. She never made the promise just as he could never make the promise not to worry and also not to sacrifice himself for her.

 

And yet not only had she destroyed the Reaper but she had yelled the Quarians into peace with the Geth. Insanity but it had all fallen into place. A home world for the Quarians and peace. But she gambled a lot and could have lost the Quarians, Tali in the process. He called her out on it, asked her if she would make the same deal if it was humanity on the line. If it was Earth and she needed to make a deal between the Reapers and all of humanity. Would she make the same risk? They yelled a lot, the crew gave them a wide berth as they trudged off to the Main Battery. They tried to keep some of their squabbles behind closed doors, it wasn't right for the crew to see the Commander and the XO at each other throats. It might lower morale and it wasn't good, but the argument was so heated neither of them were seeing straight. When they got into the Main Battery there was more yelling, she slammed and threw things something she did only when she was quietly angry at him but wasn't telling him why.

 

He was worried about her and what she was thinking. She had been running on adrenaline and anger and both were zeroed in on him. In the end it was the sudden reality of what they had been up against that caused them to peel off armour in lightning speeds just to feel hands roaming over their bodies, to feel anything then the cold sting of a possible truth. The truth that one day she'd go some place he couldn't follow and that she may never come back.

 

Now though the haze was lifted, words had been shared in apology. He had sneaked in some food for her since this wasn't where they usually bedded for the night and waited for the morning shift to be done in the dining area before she slunk back to her cabin to freshen up before the debrief and orders for the next mission. Of course if her tempestuous hands kept on their path she wouldn't be leaving any time soon.

 

“Huh? What are you talking about?”

 

“Tali and Kaidan.” She said so casually as she rested her head along his back.

 

“What about them?”

 

“You honestly -? I thought I was clueless.”

 

“So what is going on?”

 

“Kaidan is flirting with Tali.”

 

“What? Why?”

 

She chuckled lightly. “Why not? She's cute they have some things in common, health issues not barring it could work out.”

 

“What about Kel?”

 

“Kal'Reegar? I guess they had been dating but then he broke it off before the Reapers attacked.” She sighed. “Then after the report. I told her what happened. Maybe there can be some happiness in all this sadness.”

 

“You're not jealous?” He turned a bit losing the touch of her hand on his right side.

 

She chuckled. “What is there to be jealous of? There will always be memories, but that is the past, we've both moved on.”

 

“Even after that little lunch?”

 

She snorted. “Almost sounds like you are jealous, mister spars with James a lot. Should I be worried you are going to leave me for him?”

 

The comment made him laugh and turn more from the door. “Don't worry he's only my second choice by default. Didn't answer the question though Shepard.”

 

“It was a friendly lunch. Nothing more. Nothing for you to be jealous of, I promise.”

 

“Hmm, not sure I believe you. Someone must first get her due.”

 

The door closed and a few minutes later there was a short, high pitched yelp before a bit of laughter.

 

* * *

 

 

“This is a nice place, how did you score it?”

 

“Anderson. It is, was his.”

 

“Was?”

 

“He gave it to me.”

 

There was a sound Garrus made she equaled to a whistle. His hands went to her waist.

 

“So is this the place you have been slinking to without me all this time you have been visiting the Citadel?”

 

She smirked a little. “No. I was telling the truth, there were others I was helping out. Checking in with Kelly and the school I donated my fish and fish tank to. This is actually a recent acquisition.”

 

“Do we get to break it in?”

 

She swatted at his roaming hands. “Not yet. I'm having work done to it.”

 

“Looking to become a secret decorator?”

 

“No. Just - I don't know. This place could be all of ours.” She turned to look at Garrus. “Not just ours, but everyone's.”

 

“I understand.” Hands landed back on her but didn't stay there for long.

 

“I mean Kaidan and Tali need a place to stay when they become councilors. You know until they find their own place.”

 

“Councilor's? Know something I don't?”

 

“I talked with Kaidan about the open position after Udina's well you know. I'd give the position back to Anderson, but I don't think he would take it. Kaidan is someone I trust, he has a good track record with Alliance, but definitely not corruptible. I heard after the war the Quarians are likely going to push for their Council seat back, same with the Krogan. I hear Tali is the top nominee to be Councilor. After this war a lot of things are going to change and we need to have the right people in the right positions to make that change become reality. No more hand holding, no more waiting.”

 

“You always hear the best news.”

 

“Yep.” Swatting away his hands. “Go get yourself ready for the memorial, the others will be by soon.”

 

“So no breaking in the apartment.”

 

She smirked. “Maybe later.”

 

 


	41. Once You Go Strange

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> From Thessia to the date in the casino.
> 
> POV may switch. Some smutty goodness.
> 
> And this will be the Penultimate Chapter.

Goddamn the asari. Goddamn them all to hell. Before they had even got to Thessia her rage at the whole situation had been dialed up. They knew for fuck who knew how long about this beacon, this potential clue and they hid it until what? Until the Reapers weren't just in their space but literally on the ground destroying the planet. There weren't as many as she remembered on Earth or the reports from Palaven, Dekuuna or Irune. But it didn't matter there would be more until they blotted out every major city and crushed the asari. And still her jaw was clenched, her fists bound tight.

 

And then there was Liara and Javik, after Leviathan she had rescinded her previous ban, but was starting to regret it. The two of them were like an old married couple the way they bickered. Javik being his usual no verbal filter self and Liara all – she didn't know what it was about Liara that has set her anger to a new place. There were a thousand other worlds burning or nearly destroyed. The reports were never good, just more places the Reapers were attacking, more refugees fleeing to wherever had a safe haven. What did Liara expect when the Reapers landed? Sunshine and Rainbows?

 

Fuck she didn't know why she was pissed off or even what had been the trigger. All she did know was that if the asari had told her about this big secret maybe she wouldn't have had to fight through Reapers to get to it. Maybe she would have been ahead of Cerebus and had some back up. And yet the minute she was on the Normandy she had to stop Javik and Liara from ripping a hole in her ship with their powers. Javik was being insensitive, but Liara was taking it out on the wrong person. She understood the reality of all she knew being burst like a giant bubble. She thought she knew the world, the universe well until Saren, until the Reapers became the bane of her existence. So she could relate to Liara's anger but Javik wasn't the one she should be angry with, it was her government, the politicians all holding back.

 

If the Council survived the war she had a feeling there would be a reckoning from the people – that is if they didn't piss them off more now and end up being lynched. The time for debate, maybe later's, and refusal was soon to be at an end. They wouldn't be able to delay much longer not with Cerebus in control of the final key – The Catalyst. And maybe that was another edge to her anger, being bested by Kai Leng again, by not being able to circumvent his usual defenses that she had come in contact with back on the Citadel. How had she not been able to stop him?

 

By the time she was done with Liara and Javik her anger had simmered but was not gone. She was not in a place to be morally supportive, to not lash and bite at the wrong person. Sighing she shuffled to the new Library and Garden feeling the need for a tranquil location or something to clear her mind. She supposed she was lucky when she entered that no one was around. Sighing she took a seat on the plush couch and just stared at the garden through the see-through pane, she watched the petals and leaves bustling under a spray of water.

 

She was lost for a moment, her brain shut off and then there was a crackle in her ear and all the weight of Thessia came back down on her.

 

“Hey Shepard. How are you doing?”

 

She was glad it was Garrus speaking to her, anyone else and she may have chewed off their head and spit it out.

 

“Angry, tired, trying to put my mind in a good place before I talk to Liara.”

 

“Things down there that rough?”

 

“That's putting it lightly.” Rubbing at her eyes, she could feel the anger rising up, barking at the back of her throat.

 

“You know I thought I was getting somewhere with the Council, but it seems no matter how I go above and beyond people still hold back, people lie.”

 

“What happened down there wasn't your fault. You couldn't predict Cerebus would be there.”

 

“No, but if the asari had told me about it earlier maybe I wouldn't have fought through the Reapers. Maybe I would have been more prepared for fucking Kai Leng and his tricks. Maybe I wouldn't feel like all this was a consolation prize after putting up with the Council's crap.” She huffed feeling her anger surge up again.

 

“Or maybe I went around it wrong. Instead of asking for aid I just should have handed in the report and just urged the others to get their shit together.”

 

“But then you might not have been asked to save the Primarch.”

 

“Don't worry Garrus I would have still come looking for you one way or another.”

 

“Promises, promises.”

 

She took a deep breath. “Alright, I'm moving.” She moved off the couch.

 

“Coming by tonight?”

 

“You need to ask?”

 

“Just checking.”

 

* * *

 

 

“Okay, so creepy facility with Cerebus and Miranda's father somehow tied up in this, plus Reapers. Standard creepy horror flick rules apply. No splitting the party, no running off ahead – I'm looking at you James.”

 

“Hey I resent that comment.”

 

“Whatever James you run ahead and get clobbered.”

 

“Reverse psychology won't work either.”

 

“Just – just don't be a dumb ass or I will shoot you.”

 

“I'd listen to the Commander's rules if I were you James, makes things a lot easier.”

 

“For you maybe. I'm not reaping any benefits after the mission is over Scars.”

 

“Sure whatever you say Vega. If you don't think I don't know who you are flirting with on the Normandy you'd be sadly mistaken.”  She dead panned.

 

“Damn it Scars I thought we were solid.”

 

“We are. I didn't say a thing, but if she didn't know you just confirmed it for her.”

 

“Son of a - “

 

“As I was saying. Aim for the head, oh and always double tap when we are clearing a section. I don't need whatever creepy ass thing Cerebus has concocted coming back from the dead and jumping us because we didn't do this right the first time.”

 

“Okay.” She saw James check his clips a second time before ensuring all seals on his armour were set and his shields were up.

 

“We are coming in toward the main entrance.”

 

“Thanks Cortez.”

 

* * *

 

“You know I would have figured Miranda being so tight with the Illusive Man in the past that she would know exactly where his base was.”  She said plainly as she sent her report to Hackett about Horizon before dropping the data pad onto the coffee table

 

“Maybe he moves it around.”

 

“It's a station, not a ship.”

 

“Maybe it can be a ship and he just hops around.”

 

“Or maybe she is just holding out, doesn't want to compromise his position.”

 

“She chose you over the Illusive Man.”  Garrus chimed in countering her argument with finesse.  He always saw things from a different perspective and made her step back and look at things a little more rationally.

 

“Doesn't mean she doesn't have some loyalty to the man or doesn't want to be further targeted and thus doesn't want to tell us.”

 

“The Illusive Man could have been threatening Oriana in some way if she blabbed.”

 

“Yeah. Okay I'll give her that.”

 

Arms wrapped around her a bit tighter.

 

“Mm guess I shouldn't be too hard on her. She's lucky to still have her sister.” Slipping her fingers in between his three she sighed.

 

“Do you ever miss your family Shepard?”

 

“No. Not to be harsh. I mean at times, holidays, birthdays it can get lonely and depressing, but I never had the best relationship with them. There is still some anger over all I went through with them and how much it shaped me. If they were still alive now I'm not sure I'd be worried about them being used by the Reapers or Cerebus to get at me or make me worry. It sounds bad I know. I just wish you could have met my grandfather. He's – he was the only one who let me, be me. I loved him with all of my heart.”

 

“I get it Shepard. Me and my father never had the best relationship. I think we only started to really mend things during the whole Suicide Mission. Missed my sister tons though.”

 

“Have you heard anything from him or your sister?”

 

“Yes, I got some news they were picked up by a ship and were on their way to the Citadel.”

 

“I'm glad they are safe or safer maybe.” She shook her head a little. “Okay enough sad stuff for now. Are you ready for the movie?”

 

Garrus groaned and she felt it all through her back.

 

“Hey if you don't like it we can always start making out.”

 

“Making -?”

 

“Kissing a lot or for an extended period.”

 

“Ah.” She felt one of his hands trail up her arm. “Can't we just start that now?”

 

“What? No faith in the bad movie selection from James?”

 

“The way you say it. No.”

 

“Well lets just see.”

 

* * *

 

 

“Have I told you lately how good looking you are?”

 

“Hmm, yes but it is still nice to hear.”

 

She felt his talon slide along her back causing her to shudder slightly. There was a distinct urge to push him to a darker corner and kiss him long and hard. Especially after he called himself her boyfriend over the comms and she wanted to kiss him then and there. Fuck. Maybe she shouldn't have wore such a slinky dress. She bought it on the fly for the event, but it was definitely clinging in places which meant having to wear some slip of fabric to cover her instead of going commando like her original plan. Going commando would have just made her feel more exposed. At least she had been able to secret a gun in or she would feel really out of place.

 

A finger gently moved one of the loose curls from her shoulder and she was starting to regret bringing him along. Maybe if she hadn't done up her hair in curls or wore a more demure dress. Yeah right. Somehow she had a feeling she could wear a burlap sack and Garrus would still be pawing at her. She blamed the atmosphere, dressing up for a mission, the heightened emotions of being attacked. But she couldn't let a lead squander. His tongue slipped along the edge of the strap of her dress and shoulder blade. Fuck. The dark corner was starting to look real good right about now.

 

“Garrus.” His name came out as a near moan. “We are still on a mission.”

 

“Then you shouldn't have dressed in such a slinky dress. Should I even ask if you are wearing any underwear?”

 

She rolled her head back. Fuck. If they didn't have this mission and it was just some random invite, would they even make it out of the apartment?

 

“Garrus.” Damn him for knowing just the right spots to get her thinking in a naughty direction.

 

Brooks voice broke through the comm pushing her mind back into mission mode with a deep throb, a need she so craved to be sated.

 

* * *

 

 

“A clone Shepard?”

 

“Not a word Garrus.”

 

“But a clone.”

 

“I'm going to smack you so hard if you keep going.”

 

“I thought you were one of a kind.”

 

“Still am, nothing has changed.”

 

“So did Miranda forget to tell you something when you woke up?”

 

“Don't know, I will have to ask her, but first things first lets deal with these mercs.”

 

“A clone.” She heard him huff over the gunfire. “Wonder if she'd be interested in a little turian side action or maybe a little – ow hey that hurt.”

 

“Next time its an incendiary round. Besides I don't think she's in the mood to chat, but you know if you really want to head down that line of questioning you can be my guest.”

 

“Now I'm really considering running after her. Maybe I'll get treated better.”

 

She laughed loudly. “Good luck with that besides you like the way I treat you.”

 

She could hear a little grumble just barely over the comms.

 

“You are so mean and I like it.”

 

“I know.”

 

Smirking she shifted out of cover and fired at the mercs. Their conversation got drowned out by more gunfire, but the barbs they shared was part of their usual conversation, the two of them joking and trying to make light of a weird and not so normal situation. Then again this was Shepard, weird was on par, in fact not weird would be strange but definitely normal at least to some others standards. Of course he wouldn't even know what to do with normal. Their life had been made up of doing the impossible, fighting against all the odds.  She had said she was done when the Reaper threat was over, but he wondered if that was true. He wondered if she would get bored trying to live a normal life. Heck he wondered if all they had been through meant having any type pf normalcy would be off the table. He supposed they could always hope for normal.

 

* * *

 

She could feel her body tense the moment it was dragged onto the dance floor. Public dancing with people she knew watching had become something everyone teased her about and she didn't care. But Garrus knew she wasn't always awkward on the dance floor, he knew she had the potential to be alluring, possibly even a good dancer by some.

 

“Looks like I'm not the only one who has been keeping secrets. Should I ask where you learned to tango?”

 

His head dipped “I'll tell you later if you're good.”

 

“Which is never.”

 

“Hmm we'll see.”

 

He spun her out and toward the crowd she hadn't until this very moment noticed had formed. And of course who other then Vega to catch her not fumbling on the dance floor. She feel the heat brushing along her cheeks before Garrus took her hand and spun her back toward him.

 

“Best be not getting any ideas Shepard.”

 

“Who me? What could I be getting ideas about?”

 

“Still don't believe you.”

 

“How about we go back to the apartment and I'll show you the ideas I have.”

 

He nuzzled his face close to her neck while his hand drifted to give her ass a solid squeeze.

 

“Deal.”

\--------

 

There was something to be said about being so eager to get back to the apartment or their room just to peel their clothes off. She had momentarily forgotten about the deep ache set in her pelvis after their little casino debacle, when Garrus had been a bit too handsy and she was a bit too needy to not get carried away. They had never gotten a chance to really quench that need. They had gone from one frying pan to another. But the dance, their awkward trying to be normal date, the way Garrus' hands moved over her back during the dance. It was only when he had her cradled in his arms, steadily holding her in a dip that everything came back in tidal wave. The things she thought of, the memory of trying to act normal during a charity event and feeling more like a bunch of horny teenagers surged back.

 

She had whispered they should head back and it had been enough to leave their drinks barely touched. They had by-passed the invite from James to have a drink at the bar, which she had a feeling it was excuse to grill her or Garrus. They faded into the crowd and rushed out of the casino without making it too obvious. The moment they were in the apartment she grabbed the remote and triggered the shutters.

 

“What afraid of a little voyeurism?”

 

“More like I don't need my naked photo all over the Alliance News or Fornax.”

 

“Hmm I think you'd make a great cover girl for Fornax.”

 

“Pass.”

 

The first kiss was slow and measured, neither wanting to rush even though they had nearly raced here. In a few days this large haven would no longer be just theirs. She was seriously starting to regret inviting others from the ship to enjoy the amenities the apartment had, but here was no other place on the Citadel they could get a nice shower and a place to kick back and unwind that didn't cost them. And it was large enough space that surely they wouldn't all be tripping over each other. She supposed it was just good insight she had thought to make extra bedrooms and add an extra layer of soundproofing through the place. Even with her invite she had a feeling some would still not take her up on the offer fully. She supposed it would break the ideals they had about her. Some might just be uncomfortable to know how long she spent in the bedroom with Garrus, sleeping or not sleeping.  She felt his finger hook low under the hem of the dress and her body jolted a bit at the touch before the wanton moan took over. Her body was very aware of his finger as it passed over the small slip of fabric that kept her from accidentally flashing the world her parts she'd rather not have all over the news.

 

“Mmm what's this?” His mouth plates murmured against her lips, the knuckle of his finger making a slow sweep over the cloth.

 

“Some infernal contraption meant to show no panty lines but is wholly uncomfortable.”

 

His knuckle slipped a little lower over her mound.

 

“And you have been wearing this thing the whole time?”

 

She couldn't stop her hips from rolling, from the deep throb that needed a release forcing her pelvis to push a little against the probing knuckle.

 

“Yes.” She breathed out her lips mere inches from his mouth plates while held in this holding pattern they now had.

 

“And you didn't tell me?” He sounded almost hurt but she recorded an edge of being turned on.

 

“Hmm though you might like the discovery instead.”

 

She heard him groan through the sub harmonics as his knuckle continued on a slow circle just touching the edge of where the throb was strongest. His other hand slipped along her lower back holding her almost tenderly. Then his feet started to shuffle and she wondered where they might land at. The sofa, end table, kitchen counter, or would they make it to a bedroom? There were at least two on the main floor now, but one significantly closer and less awkwardly from the foyer area of the main door. She could feel the end of his finger sliding around the edge of her panties. He was always so gentle even with his gloves on. Just the wrong edge even from blunted talons and they could be spending the night at the hospital versus a warm comfy bed. The finger hooked under the seam and she moaned into his mouth.

 

There was really very little she could do other then kiss and run her fingers along his cowl and up to his fringe. Her other hand was on his bicep to keep herself from losing her balance since she was being led backwards. His finger slipped under the fabric and she gasped slightly at the contact, even as they continued their slow shuffled steps. Every inch of her ached to feel his finger lower but she had a feeling he was out to torture her, to make her ache and long for that one spot dying to be touched.

 

Ever so gently she was lifted and she could feel the edge of the bed pressing into her calves as the finger that had been making it slow rounds gently retracted. When she opened her eyes back up she swore she caught him smirking, smug bastard, before he prodded her shoulders forcing her to fall back onto the bed. She fell back and once landed situated her legs a little wider to accommodate him when he maneuvered onto the bed. Instead of moving though he seemed to be admiring her as she lay sprawled on the bed. The careful way his eyes raked over her sent a chill right through her at how down right predatory he almost seemed.

 

Slowly he lowered himself over top of her and they were back to kissing. Her hands were at the back of his head, pushing blunted nails into his fringe. To say she was eager, to feel more of his hands on her, to feel him pressing against her so hard and ready was an understatement. Her tongue lashed against his wondering how long it had been since they'd been so hot for each other that everything else faded away. He broke the kiss first and she groaned as he nipped lower, sending his tongue to lap at the length of her neck, but no matter how she moaned as his leg bumped along her lower area he took his time with her. He nipped and licked through the fabric of her dress making her moan all the more.

 

She felt his hands hike up the skirt of her dress a bit more and part her thighs wider with a slow pass of his hands. When she looked down she could see his gaze so intent on the small piece of fabric and what was covered beyond it. His finger hooked under the band again and the act was enough to send a bolt of energy through her, the deep throb such a needing ache. The fabric was pushed aside and she could feel him lower. Gently his tongue lathed out, slow like testing as it moved against her outer lips. Fuck.

 

She supposed turians didn't do this type of thing in their usual mating practices, at least not from the scant bit of turian porn she had been able to acquire. No, they had different erogenous zones, different places one could touch or lick to bring one to orgasm. Had this been why he had been timid about being down there before? His hands knew keenly the way to touch her and bring her to the brink, sometimes his face would get close to that spot, his mandible rubbing just enough as he licked along her inner thigh to make her lose all sense. Her hands were clenched about the blankets, her hips curling just at the point his tongue slid along her clit. She could feel herself so close to the edge, just a few more passes and she would be gone. His tongue his beautiful tongue. Garrus could not be faulted for his dedication or his sometimes inscrutable passion to watch her come undone by his very own hands or his plates. Every lick was his dedication to her, to showing her how he had studied so well.

 

Her whole body was on fire, her nerve endings screaming and then whoosh, his tongue swathed over her and she was lost. Lost as he pressed his tongue onto her more and more while she hit the wave again and crested into oblivion. There was something to be said about fucking like it was your last night in the galaxy. It could soon be theirs and it seemed such a waste that they didn't do this more.

 

 


	42. The End of Strange

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the final chapter folks. This will take up from the party up until the point of the final choice.
> 
> Also a bit of an internal soundtrack for this final chapter.
> 
> Rather Be - Clean Bandit ft. Jess Glynne  
> All of Me - John Legend  
> Roads - Portishead  
> Spectrum - Zedd ft. Matthew Koma  
> Maps - Maroon 5

“Hey Shepard, truth or dare?” Tali asked in a bit of a sing song voice.

 

Maybe starting out the party quiet had been a bad idea. There had been some early mingling, but now it seemed that the girls and boys had divided themselves. Not quite what she was hoping for in regards to a good old fashioned party. Looks like she'd have to set the tempo up a bit higher.

 

“Uh truth I suppose.”

 

“Not feeling daring Shepard?”

 

“Uh no. I'd like to get through one party and shore leave unscathed.”

 

“Okay then.”

 

“What was the secret you and Mordin kept during the Collector mission?” EDI asked.

 

Her mind halted trying to think of a secret she had when they had been going after the Collectors. She knew there had been the initial crush on Garrus, but that secret stemmed from the SR-1 and her overall attraction to turians in general.

 

“Uh the tests Mordin had me and Garrus to go through just to make sure we didn't need an injection or special pill before you know we got a little more personal.”

 

“Eww.” Tali exclaimed.

 

“Well EDI asked.”

 

“I knew about that one Shepard but there was something else you two conspired about in very covert whispers.”

 

“Hmm, sorry that isn't ringing any bells.”

 

“You are not lying. So I suppose the question is answered even if it is a poor response.”

 

“Oh I know. When did you fall for Garrus?” Tali piped in.

 

She smirked. “Well I have always had a bit of a crush on Garrus.”

 

“Ha. Told you Liara.” Tali exclaimed.

 

“But when I fell for him-” She looked up to see him in the balcony area having a conversation with Kaidan.

 

“Illium, there was – well lets just say EDI isn’t the only one with a sexy voice.”

 

Tali snorted. “You have some odd ideas about what is sexy Shepard.”

 

She smiled. “That I do.”

 

 

 

“She loves you, you know.”

 

Shaken out of his own internal thoughts as he stared at Shepard he pivoted toward the voice while vocalizing his confusion.

 

“Hmm?”

 

“She loves you. No matter how she might deny it or pretend she hates you, she loves you.”

 

“Mmm I know.”

 

“Good don't ever forget that. I uh- “

 

“Look Kaidan you don't need to -”

 

“But I do.” He watched the biotic sweep a hand through his hair obviously showing how nervous this talk was to him.

 

“When I heard about you and her before – well I was jealous and angry at the time. It took me a long while to cool my head and see things in a different perspective. By that time I'd blown it with her, I could see it. If there was a chance I had lost her a long time ago.”

 

“Kaidan - “

 

“I'm just – I'm glad she has you. The two of you fit and I just wanted you to know there are not any hard feelings or anything like that.”

 

“Oh well.” He extended his hand as he thought was appropriate. “No hard feelings then. And I guess sorry if it felt like I stole her away.”

 

Kaidan smirked taking Garrus' hand and shaking it. “There was no stealing, can't steal what I didn't have. Besides we both know it was her choice.”

 

“Hmm true enough. Thanks Kaidan.”

 

He nodded his head. “Yeah no problem.”

 

“Now if you will excuse me, something tells me that we need to break up what is going on down there.”

 

Kaidan looked to see where Garrus was pointing and he caught a sly grin on Shepard's lips.

 

“Lets before they get any bad ideas.”

 

* * *

 

 

“That was -” He couldn't find the words to describe what had just happened. Mind blowing intense? Hot as hell? Thinking about it set his pulse a little higher and he could feel a flush along his neck.

 

“Yeah that was – hmm.” Her hand came up stroking along the plates of his chest. In this moment he couldn't feel more in love if he tried.

 

“I uh wasn't too rough was I?”

 

She smiled and shook her head. “No. And of you were it is nothing medi-gel can't cure.”

 

Fingers lazily traced their own patterns on his plates and he could heel himself shifting a bit. Spirits what she was doing to him, but he'd be the last to complain. Other then the odd meeting here and there the last few days had been mostly theirs. Which meant sleeping in, eating whatever they wanted when they wanted and ending up back at the apartment to enjoy watching whatever wasn't the news, but mostly ending up in bed screwing away. But shore leave was drawing to a close, the party was the marker ending this lazy moment and signaling the last push to the end. An end to the Reapers, Cerebus, and anything else in the way. Slipping one of his fingers through her hair, they stayed staring at each other for a long moment.

 

He loved the dip in her waist, the rise of her breasts when he bent to slide his tongue along her nipples or the under flesh of her breast. He loved the sound of her breathing so soft only the moans or groans any real indication he may be hitting his mark. He loved when she was needy, when some part of her couldn't contain herself and she wanted him. No matter how far away she was mentally or sometimes physically, it was this needy want that let him know she still wanted him. Because there were a lot of good reasons to think she didn’t need him. She did not show her emotions well all except her anger which could go from a quiet, seething monster to full blown in his face yelling. But when she was sad or gloomy it was hard to tell with her, she kept things well under wraps and he wondered if that was the military's doing or her families. Someone had come along and made her feel that showing emotions or being emotional was bad.

 

She didn't exist within the normal behaviour for the Alliance or Cerebus or anything. His time in C-Sec and on Omega showed him varied cases of humanity and depravity, but she always fell out of the spectrum of certain truths. And he supposed that was what attracted him to her. That she was just his right kind of weird. So he forgave her flirting because he knew she knew no other way to deal with people sometimes. Her flirting never went anywhere anyway no matter the temptation. And he understood that she could be attracted to other people. That did not mean she loved him less, in fact he may be more worried if she was less vocal about her attraction and hid it. He would worry that whatever fantasy she had might drive her from him. So they spoke a bit about their attractions as a way to clear the air and not feel so burdened.

 

He forgave her sometimes dismal of him not because he saw it as a deflection but because he knew she was scared. He knew she had been burned in the past, suffered heartache by those closest to her and had built walls around her so that she would never feel that sting again. That she would never find herself utterly alone in the universe with no one to care for her or care about her. She was afraid of letting someone in, of depending on them and then they failed her. He forgave her this because he felt the same sometimes, because she wasn't the only one broken and maybe this was why they fit so well when they shouldn't have.

 

Her fingers on his chest, his in her hairs. Then she carefully shifted closer the movement making him very aware of how aroused he was becoming even though it seemed just moments ago they were in a heightened state of bliss.

 

“Hope we didn't disturb anyone.”

 

“Hmm if we did they'll either chalk it up to a night of drinks and revelry or learn to bring ear plugs.”

 

He chuckled letting his hand slip through the strands to land on the back of her shoulder.

 

“You did start it.” She sighed.

 

“Me? I think not. I was not the one filling my glass the whole time.”

 

“Mmm okay I might have been looking to take advantage of an inebriated turian. But I think you deserved it.”

 

“And what about you? I saw you nursing the same drink all night.”

 

“Well someone needed to stay sober, plus drinking has never been a big thing for me. Now with the Cerebus upgrades and the biotics it just seems moot to even try.”

 

“But did you have fun Shepard?”

 

She smiled wistfully. “Yeah it was quite the party.”

 

Her leg bumped a bit against his as she shifted, the motion sent a thrill through him nestling in the plates as they sprung a little wider. His hand slipped lower down her back reveling in the feel of her silky skin.

 

“Too bad shore leave couldn't last forever.”

 

“And what would you do with your free time Shepard?”

 

Her fingers splayed out against his chest. “Sleep. More of this.”

 

“Hmm that would be nice.”

 

“Yeah.” She shifted again and he couldn't contain the slight groan that rolled through his body. But the reaction from the groan was pure sinful. Spirits.

 

He could feel himself sliding from his plates even before she moved closer to give him a kiss. Her own moan an echo of his, her fingers raked down his chest and he grabbed onto her with his free hand. This is the dance they did, sometimes they were both eager like earlier and sometimes it was a collision of bodies, a joining to stave an ache slowly building. Nothing was ever perfect and he supposed their coupling wouldn't be like the movies or shows. That was an unrealistic goal and he knew it. It still didn't mean he didn't feel guilty when he couldn't get her to those peaks she always drove him to, but sometimes she needed an ache deeper scratched then the usual one. When he slipped his hands lower he heard her moan, throaty and still so needy.

 

There was a whimper from her when he slid his hardened penis against the soft skin of her thigh. He could feel her thighs widen a bit as their available hands roamed each others bodies. Her breaths became shorter when he slid himself teasingly in the space between her thighs. She was still slick from their last romp, but their was an added moistness due to her heightened arousal. Her hips shifted as he slid away from her and she whimpered again.

 

Only one third of his length was able to glide against her, the strange position meant being a little harder to be truly pleasing for them both. But he held back from the urge to switch the position and claim his own pleasure. It was delightful to feel her hips bucking slow at first over the bit of his penis that passed over her clit and slipped to her slippery lips. It was divine watching as her face lifted and the way her breathing shifted as she found the right spot and rhythm that was building. She rode him faster, her hips rocking back and forth until she peaked, shuddering her release. Spirits.

 

* * *

 

 

She looked out to her ship and felt this deep pang nestle a little in her chest. There was a sudden bout of exhaustion that the shore leave had gone too fast and she hadn't rested enough or done enough with her time off. She felt like she had spent too much time being lazy and yet she knew the minute they pulled from dock she'd be wondering when she could take the next leave. This war was grounding all her edges, making her feel worn out and dead beat tired. Would this war ever end? Could she do the thinkable and survive? And she supposed it was the last thought that pulled in the sadness. It dragged her down that it could be the last party she ever attended, the last time she might hold Garrus in a warm embrace.

 

The sadness came in harsh thinking this could be the last time she ever got a chance to look at her ship, her home. Could she really give up the Normandy when this was all over? The ship hadn't just been her home but it was her safe harbour, her beacon of hope. She remembered clearly each time she saw the ship. How the Normandy had tugged at her heart strings when she first boarded her so fresh faced, new position as Commander and XO. How she had marveled at the turian and human designs had come together to this great ship. She remembered her palms being sweaty as she approached Anderson, a man she saw as a hero, mentor, father figure and how she felt for sure she'd screw this up and get herself demoted.

 

And yet here she was years later, still with her ship and crew. How could she turn her back on it? How could she leave her crew, her ship to another? She knew the back pedaling, the fear of leaving was due to her fear of change. She had been used to her life in the Alliance, there was a rhythm, a certainty. But she also knew there was no growth, no potential. She felt stuck with them, that getting out from the Alliance shadow and their need for her would never diminish. Even if she sought a civilian life within the Alliance she knew she would still be under their yoke at their beck and call.

 

She knew her fear was more about Garrus. He handled coming with her for each of her missions well, seemed to enjoy being away from C-Sec and Omega. But could he adjust to a life not running or looking to defeat an enemy? He existed in the past sometimes and pulling him out of the heyday of that time was hard. There was also the question of where they would live after this. If they went back to Palaven she'd have to wear an environmental suit a good portion of the time. She thought about Earth, but would rather stay away from Alliance central. There were other plants and possibilities but she hadn't made up her mind on which one would be best and what they would do going forward. Maybe they could be pirates. And maybe the decision was best left until the war was over, when she knew how much more the Alliance would try to squeeze out of her until it was the last straw. Feeling Garrus coming up behind her she sighed and saw the rest of the crew coming up. Good crew, good ship.

 

* * *

 

 

“So, what was the covert conversation with Chakwas about?”

 

Slipping her fingers in between his she smiled. “Nothing.”

 

“You are lying Shepard.”

 

“Okay but if I tell you, you can't freak out.”

 

“Now you have me curious.”

 

“Okay. Well back when we were chasing the Collectors I asked Mordin if he could look into something for me.”

 

“You are being vague Shepard.”

 

She sighed. “I asked him if he could make us a baby. Parts of both of us.”

 

There was a long pause and she cringed wondering what he could say. She was purposefully avoiding looking toward him. A hand came under her chin and lifted her eyes.

 

“You felt that strongly back then?”

 

“Yes.” She twined her fingers around his. “I wasn't sure if we'd be more then what we were at the time, but I thought if there could be more then why not take the chance and see if it was possible.  I forgot I even made the request until Chakwas mentioned it.”

 

“And?”

 

“Chakwas got a visit while we were docked at the Citadel from somebody in the STG. Apparently, our potential children are being kept securely and when we want to we can go get them.”

 

“Our children?”

 

She smiled as she saw the glittering tears in his eyes. “Yes our children.”

 

* * *

 

 

She couldn't do this. Give her a thousand Reaper soldiers, give her brutes and banshees but she could not say good bye to Garrus. She could not say the final words before the next push. What could she say? Don't die. She couldn't bear taking him farther and yet it would wound her greatly not to have him at her side, but the chances in the next push, she could lose him from a stray bullet. Her heart was wrenched in two. She could hear him speaking and she had to turn away. The tears in her eyes burned. She needed to be strong, she needed to push forward and finish this once and for all. But the path ahead was rife with uncertainty and she did not want to die, she did not want to lose Garrus. Standing a bit taller she walked over to Adrien hoping the emotion building inside of her wouldn't give away how wounded she would be when she said good bye to Garrus.

\-------

 

She looked ahead at her choices. Control, Destroy, Synthesis. Death likely with each one. Was it selfish that she did not want to choose? That she would rather go back and deny this all, deny the chance to have a choice, to be forced to choose. She did not want to die. She wanted to grow old with Garrus in her arms, have a chance to carry their children and watch them grow. The possibilities of the future were infinite and she could hear his words telling her to come back alive. But this choice, this meant that future might not be possible. Squaring her shoulders she took her first step forward, then the next. I love you Garrus, but there was only one choice, one that made any sense, the one she promised she would follow through on.  An end to the Reapers once and for all.  Let some other choose to Control and have the machines under the beck and call, with no freedom in sight.  Let some other be a god and change all life.  If they were truly meant to become Synthesized then let evolution and nature take its course and find its way there in time.  She would not be the vanguard of that choice.  But what she could choose  even though it meant killing the Geth and EDI and many others she would do.  The Reapers had been at the forefront of guiding civilizations for years only to harvest them.  Without them future would devise its own plan, its own method.  Raising her gun she could feel the hot tears on her cheeks.  They had the possibility to rebuild the Geth and EDI, to let life restart and maybe that is what she hoped would come of this.  Garrus I love you.

 

 

 

 


End file.
